azzahrahumaira

[azzahrahumaira]

the worst pain is getting hurt by the person you explained your pain to

the worst pain is getting hurt by the person you explained your pain to

the worst pain is getting hurt by the person you explained your pain to

the worst pain is getting hurt by the person you explained your pain to

the worst pain is getting hurt by the person you explained your pain to

the worst pain is getting hurt by the person you explained your pain to

the worst pain is getting hurt by the person you explained your pain to

the worst pain is getting hurt by the person you explained your pain to

the worst pain is getting hurt by the person you explained your pain to

the worst pain is getting hurt by the person you explained your pain to

the worst pain is getting hurt by the person you explained your pain to

the worst pain is getting hurt by the person you explained your pain to

[azzahrahumaira]

Monday, June 24, 2024

You know why you got to where you are now? Because you just have no idea how badly you needed a supportive community and to be around people who are just like you—have their every second thinking about Palestine—and to talk with them, organize with them, speak up about Palestine with them, cry and together with them, learn about Palestinian cause with them, and just be a normal human being whose day never passes you by without you remembering Palestinians.

You never completely realized how being around your so-called friends has drastically screwed up your life. Anytime you connect with them, all they do is give you excruciating pain and disappointment over and over again because you keep hoping one day they'd change, one day they'd support Palestine with every fiber of their being, one day they'd be like you—but hell no—the more time goes by the more you realize that you just CAN'T be around these people. I know how much you wish you could just magically make them become better but hey, you did try your best to educate them and that's it.

I know you are afraid of letting them go because I know you love them so much and you wanna "save" them but lemme tell you, it's okay. It's okay to lose some people. It's okay to close this story and create a new better one. It's okay to prioritize yourself first because if you don't stay away from these people, they'll keep driving you nuts and you'll end up losing yourself. Because they DON'T CARE about your people, they don't. So I promise you, you won't regret letting them go because at the end of the day, no matter how hard you try, they will always remain the same.

It's okay, it's okayy. You've got this. 🫂🤍

[azzahrahumaira]

Domingo, 14 de Abril

My grandma. I miss you. I miss you so much. I wanna see you and talk to you. Life has been really tough and I have no one but me to talk with. How I wish you were here. I wanna tell you about everything. I wanna listen to your stories. I want you to give me advice, because I am just a 19-year-old girl who knows absolutely nothing about everything. I want you to tell me what to do, my grandma. I am afraid. I am sad. I am frustrated. I am enraged. I am lonely. I am sad. I am annoyed. I am filled with a bunch of emotions all at once and I don't know how to distress. I need you to be here, I swear things have been really tough for me. I know I am not a good girl but at the very least I never have any intention to hurt anyone. My grandma, why did you have to leave me all alone? I miss you, I really do. I want to go back to my childhood and eat your meals again. I want to hear your voice. I want you to guide me to the right direction. I want you to be here, my grandma. I miss you so much. Please come back. Even if it's just in my dreams, please come back. Tell me something, anything, in my dreams. I am begging you please visit me in my dreams, please

[azzahrahumaira]

April 8, 2024

Ya Rabb, I know how sinful and despicable I am and I know I don't deserve any of your blessings, but please let me tell you about everything. I know You are the All-Seeing and the All-Hearing, but still, let me be like a 7-year-old now and pour my soul out to You. Because You're the only one I have. Because I know that despite everything, You wouldn't judge me like those people. Because You are always willing to listen to me. Because unlike people, You have never hurt me. Not even once. I know You love me so much, You always have.

Ya Rabb, I know there's millions of people who love Palestine and are trying their best to support Palestinians reach liberation, but why, why do I feel like I am the only one in this journey? I know this is incorrect, I know I am saying this because I am feeling sad, but ya Allah, I always feel like everyone around me DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK about Palestine. It's not just about one person, not two, not three, but many people—they say they love Palestine, they say they wanna be part of Palestine liberation movement, they say they wanna support Palestinians, they say this this and that but look, what TF have they been doing? Where TF have they been? I know. I know they still love and care about Palestinians (to some extent) but what's the meaning of love if you aren't willing to put in the effort? I am not saying I am perfect. No way!! I know precisely how awful I am but at the very least I always try my best to always remember Palestines in my day-to-day life. Those people are way better than me. They're more fluent in English. They're smarter. They're older. They're braver. They're more knowledgeable about everything. They're more mature. They're more stable emotionally. They're WAY BETTERRRRRR than me but why, why they aren't trying harder? Why they don't want to be all in? Why they much prefer to talk, listen, watch, read, consume "normal" stuff (whatever normal may look like to them) than about Palestine stuff? Why do I always have to be the one who brings it up first? Why do I always have to be the one who have to take the initiative? Why do I always have to be the one who does everything by myself?

Ya Rabb, I love doing the things I do. I am grateful my humanity is still intact and I still deeply care about Palestinians. But sometimes it just feels so tough. Sometimes I feel so lonely. Sometimes I just want to give up. But please, ya Allah, when I am going through a low moment, don't ever let me quit. Don't let me abandon Palestinian cause. Don't let me ignore their excruciating ain and their generational suffering. Don't let me forget their faces and their voices. Don't let me be a hypocrite. Don't let me be a coward. Don't let me be a loser. Strengthen my Iman, ya Rabb. Purify my soul. Help me be a better person. Help me learn English Spanish and Arabic. Help me educate myself and others about Palestinian cause. Help me raise awareness 24/7. Help me encourage myself. Help me follow Jenanmatari's footsteps—because I really wanna be like her. Help me get through all of this. Help me be a better friend for Palestinians. Help me be a good person, ya Allah. Aamiin

[azzahrahumaira]

Wednesday April 3

YOU SHOULD'VE TALKED ABOUT PALESTINE ZAHHHHHH LIKE HOW DUMB YOU WERE!! THEY DID LISTEN TO YOU AND YET ALL YOU TALKED ABOUT WAS SHIT :/ YOU KNOW I AM REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, YOU COULD'VE REMINDED THEM ABOUT PALESTINE BUT LOOK, YOU MISSED THAT GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY :/ WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING ABOUT??? WE REALLY DON'T KNOW WHEN THEY'LL EVER LISTEN TO YOU AGAIN YOU KNOW THAT :/

I am sorry. I know I messed up. But I didn't mean to do that. I don't know, I was in mega rush so I only talked about whatever appeared in my mind. I really am sorry

IT DOESN'T MATTER YOU KNOW YOU WERE REALLY SCREWED UP I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY

Zah I know you're feeling disillusioned. And I admit I should've talked about Palestine. But I am just a normal human being, I make mistakes too you know? I messed up, yes, but trust me, I never forget Palestinian people :(

TELL ME ZAH, WHERE THE HELL IS THIS DISAPPOINTMENT SUPPOSED TO GO?! YOU CAN'T GO BACK AND CHANGE THINGS. IT'S OVER

I promise I'll try to do better zah

Really? Pinky promise???

Yes pinky promise

I am sorry for being infuriated

It's okay zah I understand, no worries :)

Thank you zah. Love you:)

Love you too

[azzahrahumaira]

Tuesday, April 2024

Thank you mom, thank youuuuuuuuuu (notice how I am using the word "mom" here? It's been ages since I last did that, usually I'd just use the word "her" instead) Thank you for allowing me to go to that event. You have no idea how much it means to me. I know we have never gotten along these past couple of yours, but today, by giving me the permission—you are rekindling my hope. For far too long, I always thought we can never go back to what we once were—a mom and a daughter who loved and care about each other. I always thought that never in a million years things will ever change. You always said no to everything and anything but today you said yes! I really wanted to hug you when you said that but I couldn't. When was the last time we hugged each other mom? Prolly some years ago I can't recall. All these years all I could think of is how you shattered me and my dreams into millions pieces and how much I hate you, but hey, who would've thought that I would be feeling so much affection towards you today? I love you, I always have. It's just that, I haven't been able to forgive you for the bad things you have done to me. Can you see it now? That I am just a simple daughter who wants to be understood. I never demand you to buy me things, I never want you to coddle me, I never want you to give me a "luxurious" life, no I don't want these things. All I have ever wanted is for you and dad to listen, understand, and see things from my lens. I just want you to let me do the things I love and blossom into the person I have always wanted to be. I just want you support me and my dreams, that's all. Nothing else. I swear there's really nothing else. I know we haven't fixed our problems, I know you still hate me and my passions, but that's okay. I honestly still hate you too, so I guess it's fair? But you know what, despite everything, at least today, you did something nice that I will never forget. Thank you mom. Thank you so much. I wish I could show you how thankful I am. Eventhough I still haven't been able to eradicate the hatred I have for you, but you know I still love you too. I always do. May Allah bless you mom.

[azzahrahumaira]

Tuesday, April 2, 2024

Today has been a really tough day for me

There were many things happening at school

I was alone; weeping buckets of tears upstairs

Nobody was there to tell me it's gonna be okay

Nobody was there to patiently listening to me

Nobody was there to say "you've got this zah"

Nobody was there to uplift and cheer me on

I kept crying and crying for what felt like eternity

I ended up thinking about jumping off building

But somehow I remembered Palestinian people

I remembered their cute faces and their voices

I remembered how unstained their hearts are

I remembered how unbreakable their faith is

I knew my pain was nothing compared to theirs

I then remembered my purposes and my dreams

That I must stay alive if I really want to help them

I can not give up if I wanna be part of their cause

I can never quit if I wanna help liberate Palestine

I know your hearts feels so heavy right now,

But I am here, I have always been here for you,

So, let's break it all down, shall we, zah?

[let's just omit the desire to jump part] here it is:

Today, a lot of bad things have happened. She is one year older than me and is my fella teacher in this school, but she did something to me that hurt me so much I couldn't stand it. So I selfishly left my responsibilities, ran upstairs as quickly as I could, and then I cried in another teacher's classroom. Nobody was there so I could ugly cry and let myself drown in the ocean of sadness for hours. I am sure as hell I looked like a wrecked ship—no spirit and absolutely no hope. I cursed her and many other people repeatedly, as if I am angelic and has never made mistakes in my entire life. [She did make a mistake, but it doesn't mean she's devil. She's just a normal human being, remember zah? But yeah, I know it hurts. It does hurt when someone did something like that to you. It's okay, zah. It's okay. I understand] I lingered in that classroom a little longer and then I went downstairs. With the remnants of my energy,I cleaned my messy classroom [you rarely clean, organize and declutter your bedroom but you clean your classroom every single damn day, why? because you pretend to be a good girl and don't want people to know how messed up you are? anyways forget it] and then head in the parking lot. When I was about to leave, I couldn't help but crying some more. Then all of a sudden I was caught by the janitor. He asked "what are you doing there?" He saw me crying! It was one of the most embarrassing moments in my life. I'd rather disappear than experience embarrassing moments like this. I ignored him, and I started driving my motorcycle. On the way home, I didn't stop crying. I was crying so much today it almost felt like I was running out of tears.

You know, I hate a lot of people. I hold resentment and grudges for many people for years like my life depends on it. Believe me or not, I never, not even once, forget the bad things people have done to me. That's why I have never been good at forgiving people—not because I can't, but because I don't want to. Once I hate someone, I will give my all in making sure I will never forgive them. But you know what, no matter how evil people are, in all honesty, no one has ever been more ruthless than I have been to myself. Isn't it ironic, because I am someone who loves encouraging, uplifting, and advocating self-love to other people—and yet I am also someone who has always been doing many despicable things to myself. I deeply care about a lot of people but more often than not I just treat myself like shit. I always check in on people and ask how they've been but oftentimes I just don't give a damn about myself. I love some people so much I could die for them if needed, but I barely even take care of myself.

Yeah, a bunch of people have done evil wrongdoings to me, but none of them has ever tried to literally kill me. I was the one who kept feeding the suicidal thoughts that were inside of my freaking mind and acted upon them—I was the one who ran away and almost jumped off of the bridge in the middle of the night in my own volition, I was the one who tried to get into motorcycle accident multiple times, I was the one who always wanted to jump off of tall somethings but never got the chance to do so, I was the one who intentionally overconsumed a plethora of random medicines for 5 days straight , I was the one who "made" dangerous (you have no idea how dangerous it is for human body) toxins and then drunk it with utmost willingness, I was the one who used to literally scratch my arms with a small knife, etc—I was the one who tried to commit suicide many many many times.

But in those moments of agony, despair, and hopelessness—God always saved me. He never let me die by committing suicide in any shape or form. He has always been there when I needed Him the most. He sent me kindhearted people to to prevented me from going down the wrong path. And even when I had nobody to turn to, He has always been there when I needed Him the most—He always listened to me, He always consoled me, He always calmed me down and wiped my tears, and most of all, He always washed the pain away. Why? Why He didn't just let me die? Why does God keep giving me "the second chance"? Why He keeps taking good care of me? Why He never stops unconditionally loving me, even after all the minor and major sins that I have committed (and still do)?

I have been dealing with some personal problems and I am continuously struggling with my mental health (I still have suicidal thoughts from time to time). That's why sometimes I tend to push people away. That's why I always choose to be alone, because I don't wanna get hurt by anyone and I don't wanna hurt/harm anyone either. Despite everything, I am still here—by God's grace. I am grateful I still survive up to this point after all the traumatizing and harrowing experiences I have gone through in my life. I am grateful because Palestinian people always hold me accountable. I am grateful Palestinian people have made me become stronger than ever. Always protect, provide, and love them, ya Allah. They are one of the reasons why I refuse to give up on myself. Ya Rabb, please forgive me. Forgive me for everything. And please always guide me to be a better person. Give me Your light, and don't ever let me walk this temporary journey called life alone. Aamiin.

[azzahrahumaira]

March 29, 2024

To you who killed me alive

I hate you, I really do. I could really see myself changing them for the better, you know? I swear I could've opened some people's eyes but you got in the way, paralyzed me and stabbed me unhesitatingly. You split me in half and stabbed me within seconds. You ruthlessly hurt me in a way nobody ever did and I am still carrying that excruciating pain up until now. You dashed my hope, you really did.

What's your problem? You are afraid of losing your so called friends if I present the truth to them? You are afraid of losing some "worldly materials" if I keep attempting to shed the light and steer people in the right direction? You're afraid of watching your palace crumble if I keep encouraging them to break break the chains and do the things that they're supposed to be doing? So, "profit" over community, huh? Is that it?

If only you can see the things I have seen (and keep seeing). If only you can hear the things I have heard (and keep hearing). How I wish you could feel the things I have been feeling, even if only once. I never asked you to be on the frontline and fight for the things I care about, no. I was simply asking you to let me do the things I deem important and be the person I have always known myself to be. I only wanted you to have some empathy and try to put yourself in their shoes. Is that too much to ask for?

There was someone (who has a soul, unlike most of you all) telling me that what I did was quite life-changing for them and they were in the process of connecting the dots and discovering the truth. Slowly but surely, that person was really going to finally see the reality and understand why people like me do what I do. But you stopped me, you hindered them from going forwards and you ruined everything, you literally did.

My effort to convince you and make you see things through my lens went in vain. I tried to make a bargain with you but the result was totally unfair. By the sake of God, you were supposed to support me all along. You were supposed to give me encouraging words and uplift my spirit. You were supposed to give me the green light and pave the way for me. Ya Rabb, they were really supposed to be by my side but they chose the opposite. They willingly chose to be a hindrance in my journey and that's why I hate them with every beat of my heart.

I know I shouldn't hate anyone. I know I should try to forgive them but I can't. Or maybe I don't want to. Or whatever. I just wish they'll find their way back home soon. God, please wake them up and help them see the truth, gradually. And please, help that soulful person to Your light and be in the direction. Please help them all to do the things they're supposed to be doing all along. Aameen.

[azzahrahumaira]

March 25, 2024

I was eating iftar together with my fellow teachers and I couldn't help but wonder how you've been. It's insane because even after all this time, little things still remind me of you. I was eating some traditional meals and as soon as I ate the greens, I remembered you. I was worried about you and your health. I so badly wanted to know if you are all right. I wanted to know if you've eaten your iftar. You always eat sahur and iftar right? Do you still hate greens? For heaven's sake, you should always eat some greens and fruits. You know people may looked at me and thought that I was eating my foods enthusiastically, but deep down I really wanted to share my iftar with you. I wanted to see you eating well next to me. I wanted you to be there. I wanted to hear your soothing voice. I wanted to talk to you.

It's been nearly a year since I last met you and it's been ages since we last talked. You're okay, right? How have you been? How's life treating you? How's your Ramadhan going? How's college? Do your friends treat you properly? Can you do the assignment and exams with flying colors? Just tell me one thing, how do you feel? There's just so many things I wanna ask you, but I know never in a million years will I ever get the answers. I know I am dumb, because I still deeply care about you. I still think of you from time to time, eventhough I am not even entirely sure if you still remember me at all. Maybe I am only a thing of the past to you, right?

It's okay. It's not like I want things to go back to how they used to be. I know our lives have significantly changed and I know you never remember me. I know for a fact that you just don't give a damn about me, I know all this, but why the hell I can't stop remembering you? How am I supposed to forget you when everything never fails to remind me of you? How am I supposed to close this chapter of my life once and for all? How do I move the fuck on??? How????

Sometimes I wish I could get into an accident and then I get amnesia, that way it would instantly erase all high school memories. Because it hurts, it does hurt to be someone who remembers things. It sucks to be someone like me, a girl who cares about a guy who never took a glance at her, let alone loving her. Who the hell do you think you are? How dare you take up every corner of my mind? Can't you just get out of my mind and give me peace of mind? For God's sake, please just leave me all alone. I don't want your silhouette to keep following me everywhere I go. I don't wanna keep writing about someone who has hurt me millionth of times. God, please tell me how to forget him. Please tell me how to get him out of my mind. Please tell me how to move forward and never look back on the past. I am begging you, please guide me to Your light. Because I am freaking tired of all this. Because I don't wanna chase him and get tangled up in any stupidly pathetic love story again. Because I only want You to help me be a better person. Because all I need is Your love, that's all.

[azzahrahumaira]

March 8, 2024

Lemme remind you about something. There's no such thing a futile effort when it comes to supporting Palestine and Palestinian people. Every post related to Palestine that you give a like and share, every thought about Palestine that's swirling inside your head, every word you write and speak to raise awareness, every person you try to educate about Palestine, every feeling you have for Palestinian people, every tear that streams down your face anytime you watch Palestinian people being shot, tortured, butchered, shot, bombed, massacred, and starve to death, every remembrance of Palestine and its people in your day-to-day life, every prayer you make, and any other thing you do for Palestine—will never go in vain.

Because Allah is The All-Seeing and The All Hearing. He knows everything you've been doing for Palestine and its people. He knows how much you want to help and support Palestinian people. You know what, He'll reward all good and sincere deeds you do. And He'll help you to do better, He definitely will. So please, don't ever give up, okay? Because if you truly want to be a good ally, if you truly want to be a good friend for Palestinian people, then you gotta keep yourself going. Palestine needs you and me and all of us, always remember that.

[azzahrahumaira]

March 7, 2024

A letter to you who claims you love us

You say you love us, but really, is this really what you call as love? You remember us for what feels like barely a minute and then you instantly forget us in the next one. You have some empathy and solidarity for us for a day but then the next following day it all vanishes into thin air. Every single damn day you get distracted very easily and you forget us the way you forget where you put your motorcycle's key. You think we are just a mere content that you watch on social media and when you get bored you'd spontaneously switch it, is that it? You think we are not actual human beings that are constantly being bombed, killed, slaughtered, and vanished into death? You think we are just some sort of "current trend" that will fade away soon?

We've been experiencing this occupation, colonization, genocide, ethnic cleansing, forced starvation and a whole other shit for more than 75 years and yet all you do is dilly-dally and roam around like a total aimless person all day long? You have never taken any real action to help the Palestine liberation movement, have you? Needless to say, your so called love and solidarity literally means nothing if you aren't even willing to do the bare minimum for us.

You always say you love us, right? So tell me, where have you been all this time? Where are you when we need you the most? Why don't you try your best to educate yourself and the people around you about Palestinian cause? Why don't you try your best to raise awareness and let people know what's currently going on here?Why don't you go out there and tell people about the continual atrocities that Israhell has been committing on us for more than 75 years? What's hindering you from supporting us? What's stopping you from speaking up? Why don't you do something, anything, to help us? For God's sake, please, just speak up.

[azzahrahumaira]

Feb 24, 2024

I got an orange today and when I looked at it, I remembered you. As bizarre as it sounds, simplest things like a freaking orange had the power to give me a glimpse of you. You've never been a fan of greens and fruits and I don't know if you've changed. If only you know how I wish I knew how you've been. I had this sudden urge to know your physical and mental well-being. I really wanted to make sure you are okay. But there's no way I could ever reach out to you. There's no way we could ever talk again. And that hurts. It really does.

I was extremely hesitant to even touch that orange because I knew I really wanted to halve that orange with you. I wanted us to eat that orange together, bc they say everything is easier when it's done together. So I was contemplating how beautiful it would be if only I could share that orange with you. Because maybe then you wouldn't feel that hard to eat that orange. Your eyes would prettily glow and you would tell me that it's really not that bad to eat an orange when I'm by your side. You would tell me that it does feel damn good when you're eating an orange with me.

I got drown in my imagination until the truth slapped me back to reality. That you weren't there with me to eat an orange together. That you really weren't there. I wanted to share and eat a orange with you but as always, I couldn't. You left an indelible remark in my heart that can never be erased. Because eventhough I am claiming I no longer head over heels for you, I still think of you every so often. I still wish you well and I still mention you in my prayers. I still care about you. So much so I really could die for it.

[azzahrahumaira]

Feb 24, 2024

It's been ages since we last talked online. I wish I still had our last convo but it's long gone. I wonder if you still occasionally reread our messages, I wonder if you still save my gifts, I wonder if you still think of me from time to time. You know what, I guess I just wonder if you still remember me at all. You might've tried your hardest to eradicate our memories from your life, but tell me, did it work? Or are they still crossing your mind every now and then? Have you been able to distract your life away?

Mind you, it's been almost a year since we last met face-to-face in our beloved school. I don't know if we still recognize each other if we happen to accidentally meet somewhere. I don't know we'll get to meet and talk to each other ever again.

I know you'll never ever hold grudges for me. I know you'll never hold any resentment for me. I know you'll never hate me. But still, it hurts anytime I remember how easily you let me walk away. You didn't even try to stop me and tell me that it's unnecessary to cut all ties like that. You didn't look gloomy, not even a tiny bit. You let me go the way you let your kite fly into the open sky.

You are never missing me and that what hits me the most. That's what makes me feel like everything never mattered to you, not even once. That's what shatters my heart into pieces. That's indisputably what makes me sink into the pitch-dark abyss. That's what makes my tears stream down my faces. Again and again and again.

[azzahrahumaira]

Feb 23, 2024 (22.24)

They say we ain't a good match. They say we should never be in a committed relationship, aka marriage. They say there's just too many differences between us and we wouldn't make it. I know what they mean. It's not like I think we're flawless and things will always go smoothly. It's not like I love forcing things and aren't willing to accept God's decrees. It's not like I am 100% sure he's the right person whose name has been officially written for me. I know what exactly what they mean. But still. Can't they try to see things from my perspectives? That I see him as the most sparkling star I have ever seen and felt in my life. That life feels all right when I imagine him being part of my future. That he truly is a pure-hearted perso who always tries to better himself. That he makes me feel at ease. That he is the epitome of kindness and peacefulness. I know, I know he's got many shortcomings. I am never saying he's perfect. But don't they know what a rare diamond he is? Don't they know he feels like a tranquilizing rain that is being poured in the middle of a scorching day? Don't they know how I went the extra mile so to get to where I am today? I don't harbor feelings over random people easily. It wasn't easy for me to fall for him. But people say it's just teenage contemplations, it's a puppy love, it's a mere infatuation, it's a temporary feeling, and whatnot. But who do they think they are to judge things? Most people only see things in black and white, they can't even imagine to put themselves in my shoes. They have no clue what it feels like to go through the things I went through. They just don't know. But they think they know what's best for me and that's nonsense. I just wish they could see things from my lens, because only then they can completely understand me.

[azzahrahumaira]

Feb 21, 2024 (20.30)

Some people have claimed that they care about her and they are willing to listen to her and be there when she needs them by her side, but in all honesty, she has never felt like she can tell them about anything and everything. There's always an invisible barrier between her and them. This may be because a lot of people have shattered her heart into pieces and she is just trying to protect herself from getting hurt again, in any shape or form. It's not her fault that some people are just so mean, right? She can't deny that she is emotionally traumatized by some of the things that happened in the past, that's the very reason why she doesn't want to ever get too close to someone. And eventhough she is quite happy and content being with herself, sometimes she wonders what it feels like to have someone kind by her side. Someone she can talk with every day, someone who's willing to patiently listen to her stories, sermons, rants, rumblings, and whatnot. Someone who wouldn't let her indulge in self-deprecating and self-destructive behavior, someone who wouldn't even let her cross a puddle without them being by her side. Someone who's more than willing to go to great lengths just to make her smile and laugh uncontrollably like a ten year old kid. Someone who supports her and her meaningful dreams with every beat of their heart. Someone who allows her to do the things that bring her joy and fulfillment. Someone who lets her blossom into the person she's always meant to be. Someone who loves her unconditionally and cares about her with every fiber of her being. Tell me, will that someone will ever come to her life?

[azzahrahumaira]

Feb 20, 2024

I used to call you my home, but nothing about you feels like home anymore. I don't know if this is because of the ongoing distance that makes things feel so faraway, or because things have drastically changed to the point where you feel unmitigatedly foreign to me, or because of how my heart hasn't been functioning properly lately. Or who knows, is that because I am starting to get used of the fact that your presence no longer exists in my world, so much so that now I barely think about you? In other words, slowly but surely, I am moving on, is that it? You know, after all, it might be because I have been snowed under at work and how my mind has been occupied with a plethora of miscellaneous things.

The very realization of how the intensity of the remembrance of you has significantly diminished over time, makes me feel like nothing matters anymore. My younger self never thought I would ever reach this point— in which you are no longer a huge part of my life—and yet here I am, slowly moving forward without you being here by my side. That day I told you it was probably the last time, but who would've thought that the last time really meant the last time? Who knew the notion of forever was just a mere illusion? Neither of us really knew how naive we were. We saw things in black and white, not realizing that we really should have given it a whirl. We should have tried to make things work, but we didn't. We were raised to believe that making things work is the equivalent of crossing the line, hence we had no guts to even question it. We learned it the hardest way that it's crap but it's too late now. It's too late because we kissed our story goodbye ages ago. Rewriting our story is nothing but a total pipe dream and nothing we do can change that.

We've officially closed our old book that day and we've taken different lifepaths. In some ways, we are both writing a brand new story in our respective book— I know my name can't be found in your book and neither can you find yours in mine. I don't know where I am going but I have made my peace with the fact that we are not what we once were. Sometimes hings come to an end for some good reasons, that's just how life works, right? While I may not know what those good reasons are, but I am sure as hell you've found someone new who's way better than me, and trust me, I couldn't be happier. Thank you. Thank you for being one of the nicest things of my past. I genuinely hope you are good. I hope life showers you with much love and care and kindness, because you deserve it. You really do.

[azzahrahumaira]

Feb 19, 2024

Somehow you were out of sight and I thought I lost you forever. Without a farewell and a heartwarming note, you left me. For a split second, I thought it was really the last time, I really thought I lost you for good. In one of my lowest moments, I had this inexplicable feeling that I wouldn't be able to reach out and talk to you again. I did feel like you were permanently gone and you'd never come back. The thought of losing you forever was so scary and it kept haunting me. There were times I was drowning in the ocean of tears because I wanted you come back. I really wanted to see you again, even if it was only in my dream. I kept wishing for your return and I was patiently waiting for you, but nothing changed.

So I continued living my life from scratch. Without your presence, nothing felt right. With teary eyes and broken heart, I kept sailing the boat of this life. I got lost anytime a storm came my way, but when I remembered you, it gave me a strength to keep going. Every so often, I looked at the keepsakes you gave me and somehow it made me become more resilient. I was filled with gratitude because eventhough you weren't there by my side, but your silhouette kept me company all along.

Then one day out of nowhere, you showed up again. I was started when I saw you, I was in a total disbelief. And it turned out that you were purposefully taken away by them, they wanted to crate a distance between us. But hey, who do they think they are? Are they seriously thinking they are capable of fooling us and tearing us apart? Do they think we're brainless and heartless and hopeless? Do they think by persistently attempting to separate us, we can never find our way back to each other?

We will always be together in this lifelong meaningful journey, because we are inherently inseparable, because we are connected to each other. No matter what they do, they can never tear us apart. Someday I'll catch you and we'll do things together. But for now, I'll be fixing some stuff and I'll be focused on bettering myself. Until then, please, stay safe. May God bless you.