azsdiary

[azsdiary]

I’ll be home soon I think.

I’m feeling so confident and scared these days. I don’t know why God. Time to sleep :)

[azsdiary]

Mood today: “Where mark, where mark”

It’s been 25 days since I was “on top of the world” just before Lucas died, I gave up my crush and just crashed. I didn’t even know this could happen. 25 days passed like a bad weekend. It’s been so hard every day. I’m not sure why. I’m trying my best.

Nehemiah 8:10

Then Nehemiah Told them go and eat what is rich, drink what is sweet, and send out portions to those who have nothing prepared since today is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve for the joy of the Lord is your strength.

I can do it I can pick myself up with His strength.

[azsdiary]

Kinda numb kinda stunting on em ngl.

[azsdiary]

🙏🏾

[azsdiary]

Its my birthday soon and I’m trying to have a casual dress fun party with a crazy tiered cake like the 2000s girls used to have.

I’m trying to stay above water :l nothings been the same since that second week of October. I’ve been on my knees more than ever head messed up. God’ll do it :)

Justin has such a beautiful voice. Pharell is so cool so LV so talented so awesome:)

[azsdiary]

Rest in power Lucas Coly

This was my teenhood crush. He was so fine to me back then i had to block him for my mental health. Long after the crush faded, His personality and vulnerability helped me understand my own. His girlfriend showed me girls like me could be loved. Hard to think about. Difficult to accept. I’m scared. Love those around you. I need to do that before it’s too late. Real wake-up call. Now I can’t sleep.

My sister once said my type in men is boys with cold emotionless eyes and I tried to explain that they aren’t. That there’s actually none such thing.

It’s 2am and I’m shaken. God have mercy.

[azsdiary]

I feel on top of the world.

Glory be to God who delivered me from the pit. Who set me above my enemies. Who made a space for me and guided me to it. He is to be praised.

[azsdiary]

Everything is Okay.

I don’t know what to say exactly thank you God. This picture reminds me of God & Myself these days.

I learnt that God is really always replacing what He removes with so much better - just like in the Book.

Not for a minute was I forsaken. I feel like I broke through a wall that I can never return through.

Like Jiang Han in Dreambreaker: Unawakened city. Neo in the Matrix. Something has changed and I am a new person.

I took no revenge. I Know He will avenge me.

Do not take revenge, dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath - Romans 12:19.

and I still want my ride or die.

[azsdiary]

Just Wright 🏀

loved this movie, I remember watching it as a child. I rewatched it this year and loved it all over again. My <3 feels so full it might explode. What can I do, God?

[Just Wright, Queen Latifah, Common, Paula Patton]

[azsdiary]

Good afternoon to everybody except this specific low taper-fade Afro edition of Bryce Wilson because WHY doesn’t he exist anymore OH the INJUSTICE of it all-

It’s a taper fade and it’s a moustache & it’s a goatee combination that’s going to do it for me every single time friends. Every. Every. Every.

Soft loving

I’ve found myself watching Donnel Jones, Jon B & Tevin Campbells’ BET performances - and I’m so and warm inside & happy. Now a Luther vandross tribute at Black Music Honours ugh I feel like I’m ready to live life loving everything and everyone again no matter how painful it might be. And next is Keke Wyatt tributing TAMIA!!? I’ll melt through this floorrr.

Dear Godddd I need to listen to this soft sweet soul music more often. Soften and sweeten me up for this hard hard life. Open my heart up to love. Just need to Gospel and Luther Vandross my wholeeeeeeeee life.

I feel I should note that I’m not attracted to Bryce at all, it feels nice to pretend to be normal girly with more than just one crush every decade - sigh.

I still think he looks good though in this one specific version of him and that deserves a shout out as it’s not spoken about enough! I just wonder a little why no other version looks good to me at all.

Oh well. Make a schedule the night before each day, really sets you up to make the most of the time God gave you.

[azsdiary]

I’m making friendssss HAHA. And it’s tough but I’m still going. Perfectionist where? I’m saved by Christ and working on, forgetting the bad that happened behind me. Here, listen in:

And I’m taking it slow. Trusting depending on what I learn, figuring people out before I share the depths of my precious thoughts & plans.

It was soo hard feeling the pain of being imperfect and having to not shut down but move forward, not repeat the same mistakes. I fight for things I don’t care about when I should take time and revisit them when they’re meaningless. I forget that my mistrust should be overlooked by love, covering a multitude of things - because to love is to trust. And I take out old friend issues on new friends.

But I’m trying. And I won’t quit until I’m throwing annual girly staycations with games nights and Bible studies. Never give up never WHAT?

[azsdiary]

Fairytales

The other day I saw a white horse drawn cart. And I thought I heard God say ‘ fairytales do come true.’

Friends, I think, it is time to start a new K drama.

I want to grow this plant at my marital house. It’s so super pretty. I found it on the floor face down, in the rain. she just like me fr. A flower on the pavement.

I think I avoided dramas because I feared comparison to my life. But they gave hope -soo I’ll try again.

Life updates? I’m grateful for those around me. I’m so grateful to God. Don’t wait for the right time guys, do it now.

I looked in a child’s eyes, and they were sad for me as I asked about you… I didn’t know why back then. But Oh well. We all know now.

Until next time tumblr xo

[azsdiary]

Good morning tumblr.

It’s my 1 year anniversary finding my church. I’m wearing a comfortable casual dress down superdry bedazzled teal tee with denim slacks, black pumps & a tennis bracelet. Dangling from my ears are two diamond string earrings. Brown lip liner, clear gloss.

I gave a full character description because I feel like this is the start of a story book. I’m expecting big things from today. Even if public transport is trying to stress me out having left my house 32mins ago and only got on my first bus now. Sigh.

Blessed is she that has faith that the Lord will fulfil His promises to her. Luke 1:45

Playing: IMX, Maxwells tinydesk concert, meet the browns (Tyler Perry).

I’ll fill you in later x I’m dreaming - of a good man. I mean - I was watching Tyler… what else would I be dreaming of?

xoxo

[azsdiary]

Goodnight tumblr

[azsdiary]

I think I messed up, tumblr.

It’s raining and I’m wearing barely any layers.

I didn’t check the weather. I should have let him know. Instead I was a coward scared that he would feel uncomfortable if I attempted anything above platonic conversation. And it’s all I can think about.

That I couldn’t get it together in time to have him meet my grandmother so she could she see what she had to go through wasn’t repeating itself in my generation. She is buried tomorrow.

I have no time to cry. And my shoes are soaked through it’s at 9am I haven’t even started the days work. The rain cries for me, I feel.

I forgot to eat I forgot to bring food - knowing I brought no money for food, I forgot to bring money and I forgot to check the weather. My mind was full of my mistakes with him. I’m sorry.

I still really like him maybe it’s not too late. Is there such a thing as too late? I wouldn’t know, this is my first time doing this. I’m sorry. I’ll try my best to fix it.

Who knows, Maybe this is the dramatic turnaround. Maybe God will do it.

[mask girl - 2024]

[azsdiary]

Me looking 4 da will, colorised 2024

I hated my hair now I’m trying to fix it. But both yesterday and the day before when I wasn’t wearing makeup even, I got just as many compliments and stuff as normal if not way more.

I had to live my nightmare of going out in a flat hairstyle and no makeup when my headshape just isn’t the one for it ngl.

I turn to childhood memories that female celebs were always paparazzi snapped and remembered as their ugliest pictures being the ‘real’ them.

So I thought the ugliest I appear in public will be how everyone will think I look no matter how much nicer I ever look.

But I was wrong and I’m confused now. I still looked good? Or the compliments are bc of my skin / hair creativity not my actual beauty? Or am I… actually beautiful? Am I allowed to believe that? … Inner confusion.

Anyway I need to go. I need to go praise the Lord. Psalms 95:1-2. I want to go on a date today. The last 3 Sundays in a row I set up other couples unintentionally. Couples that swore they didn’t care whether they were in a relationship or not. Whilst I saw nothing in my own life.

I feel like a side character. But I’m clearly not. My life would make a great movie. I’ll explain that next time. And if I see a fine man 2day imma grab him like this:

[azsdiary]

at the salon getting braids did for the 1st time in 10y!

Feeling like torrential rain storm is pouring down heavily on the inside of me. It’s random idk why. I read back in my diary and turns out I’ve been dissatisfied for a year at least. I thought I was happier before. Nice to know I am just as okay now as then.

But I’m thinking we can make it like a beautiful tropical storm instead of a cold day in some real miserable rainy place like Wiltshire no offence I’ve never been it just sounds like the type of place idk.

Today I went to the corner store and the man said to think of happy things only even if they’re just memories. I am struggling to find many in the past 4 years I just wanna go home cry into my jerk and rice

So I’ll be trying to make some now, like i said, even if it’s alone bc no one is safe enough and I have tried to wait until people came. But now it’s taking too long.

So I’ll go and let them join me on the journey instead.

I’ll be seeing you soon.