azsdiary

[azsdiary]

it’s about boys. again.

it’s really just me & JC vs this freaky deaky world:

i have added items to my man wish list suddenly!

respectful, endlessly kind, gracious & superhandsome superfly and superfine (sparkles)

0% petty except for comedic reasons then 100%

an extrovert i can listen to talk abt his day that will encourage me to talk about mine bc i find that hard sometimes - and who knows the bible well so i can ask him questions bc i still don’t have anyone to ask or discuss much of what i learn :(

someone who will not tell me i’m weird when i do hair or styles they don’t see every day

someone with a calming smooth voice :)

someone very very very very very very generous (cash moneyyyyy) who takes care of me 100%

someone who does some things i like too so that i don’t have to constantly do his interests to hang w him like all my friendships now. i have never been able to share my interests likes with others :(

someone who understands manipulative behaviour and will call it out. but also assumes the best of ppl and helps me to. just a balance.

someone funnyyyyyy with a big friends/family group

who thinks i’m beautiful although i guess that’s obvious.

someone who knows random facts is cool too!

was having a really tough season and kind a still am. but i’m grateful God has kept me so well. let me know through verses and messages that He’s w me. felt like i musta bumped into Chris Pine or something

well. it’s cold these days everybody stay warm! working on those black cinema reviews. sorry :(

[azsdiary]

girlfriends

there’s a totally y2k valentines hangout this weekend. i’m looking for some girls to go with, trying to live

i think i’m going through a hard time. many deaths & family secrets came out these past months. but i don’t feel anything except anxiety. tears are rare.

i’ll try to start blogging about black & 2000s cinema soon, bringing an academic analysis and memorialising the healthy love lessons imparted to me by 2000s culture through the academic field

bc if it’s not written formally it might not live forever. idk since i have no academic rep yet idk how i’ll become respected in the field - but i’ll try. please support me! i’ll announce when it’s out.

i also think this will show people that academics are for enhancing and improving all of society - not just the parts that the diversity lacking group of current academics decide to write on (altho they pick gr8 topics 2!!)

i mean think about it - all of the historical works that we know today came through books. anything that the educated group in society at that time didn’t value enough to write about was just lost in history.

i can’t let that happen to the love i found in 2000s cinema. it needs to live on.

peace out yo!

[azsdiary]

Tears

i don’t know how to open this message, but it has been a heavy week with a lot of bad news. and yet my only concern is the fear i feel that i might have offended someone who i tried to communicate had hurt me. am i kind? i seem kind my thoughts are kind but i don’t know why i doubt so much. well i do, but i think it makes no sense to doubt.

i need to go take a walk.

others see my beauty and kindness but i see a prison of fear tiredness and pain from ppl who couldn’t see me for who i am. including me.

1 john 4 says the world is full of the spirit of the antichrist dictating to believers and us all that we are not able to be saved and kind and better things. but we can and we are.

🎼you know the world can see us in a way that’s different to who we are .**.’*🎶

uh whoops who put that picture there?

[azsdiary]

Love, Life and Football

maybe it’s the 1am getting to me, but i think i’m going to have everything i want. not bc of me - bc of Gods love aligning my desires with His.

Gods setting up the assist

usually i pray i score

but tonight i know i’ll score.

[azsdiary]

when did music stop being so beautiful and dramatic? i miss that about the 2000s. before piracy made budget cuts… but i feel like they also just don’t care much anymore.

mood: should be nicki winning the same award 5 years in a row announced by my favourite actors and micheal EALY.

instead: burnt out. like i can taste ashes in my throat.

i don’t even have time to express my thoughts. i keep trying to catch up to make time but i never do.

also can i just say i love people but i hate carrying conversations, why can’t i just sit there and nod?

and people think i’m being dramatic when i say i don’t like talking to people because they’re always telling me their thoughts about me that I NEVER ASKED FOR and tell me why 3 separate MEN came up to me to tell me i’m alone all the time asking stuff like am i lone wolf HUH?

i DON���T LIKE UUUUUUUUUUUU!!!

No i love them all i really do love every single one but also at the same time i don’t enjoy carrying the conversation every time and yelling over background noise i’m so tired

i want a honeymoon in hawaii honolulu !!!!🏝️🍹Mai tai’s PEOPLE. I wanna SIP ON MAI TAIS !!!

[azsdiary]

VIVA LA 2010s

BRING IT BACK I WANNA SIP MAI TAIS UNDER PALM TREES IN MIAMI WHILST MUSIC DRIFTS THROUGH THE AIR WAVES W MY MAN DECKED HEAD TO TOE IN SWAG BLASTING MINDLESS BEHAVIOR SO WE CAN PRACTICE OUR MOVES FOR THE TOUR WITH THE SNAPBACK ON FACING ANYWAY BUT FORWARDS UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGG!!

God will keep you, but you must keep to Him.

[azsdiary]

Who’s your fashion inspo, and what’s your favorite piece of fashion.

everyone i’ve ever seen that wore something i liked is my inspiration

what about you?

my favourite piece - i’ve never had one. that’s really hard to pick just one. but it’s these 2 lately:

they look like this song sounds:

[azsdiary]

It’s cold out.

I’m crying about Lucas Coly again.

With him, and Cameron passing all those years ago.

Just feels like nothings left alive of my ability to be attracted to men like it might’ve died too.

Trying to live a good life regardless and hide less.

Until next time 💕🥸🌴🌺

[azsdiary]

I’m so sad I’m just going to turn in for the night

I don’t know why these days have been so hard.

I’m exhausted also :/

Really need a break

It’s all weird. God will deliver me.

[azsdiary]

Literally ❤️

I love these photos. They make me feel warm.

I am so sadddd rn for seasonal and grieving and who knows what other reasons - but this helped:

Especially this one^

I love how this song sounds like it doesn’t want to end.

[azsdiary]

I love these photos. They make me feel warm.

I am so sadddd rn for seasonal and grieving and who knows what other reasons - but this helped:

Especially this one^

I love how this song sounds like it doesn’t want to end.

[azsdiary]

Mood: Neymar Jr’s fanclub 🎢

Hurting, but still praying, still working. Still here. Still wondering how Neymar jr got to like… everyone.

[azsdiary]

Men & Other Things

Watching best man holiday

And I’m thinking life’s too short to act like I don’t want what I want. But this is the courage that only comes when alone in my room with a good film… How can I get that courage outside with me…?

I want that man God. What can I do?

I realise now Im probably battling social anxiety. Sometimes I just want to leave and go home in the middle of church - and I make it all the way outside when I thought I was going to the toilet. And then I just stand there staring at the winter evening thinking why can’t I go now? Run away home now and try again next week Sunday instead? Because I’ll do the same thing every week until I am lost. I must stay and stick it through.

Last week my own shadow actually struck fear in me because I thought it was another person entering the same space as me. What am I scared of?

Last week also I turned to my left as I sat down and a male friend was next to me I’d made just recently. I was so spooked and couldn’t shake off the feeling. I hope he couldn’t tell. I hope he left straight after the service because he had important things to do and not because I dashed out the room as soon as they said hold your neighbour’s hand (for unrelated reasons)

I was brave for some of this Sunday but not enough. Next time.

Dear God, please say there’ll be a next time.

[azsdiary]

where are my friends?

I stopped trying to make some.

sigh.

[azsdiary]

I can’t even lie it’s just me and dem boyz at this point

And We’re honestly on our last legs.

No honestly why can’t I talk to a man without community feedback and mass suspicion. You can’t tell me that any girl talking to a guy gets community questioned.

And I’m constantly scared my crush will be told I was talking to a man and I’ll lose any chance with him forever. Which my home girl says is silly. But is it?

The Bible said to lift up one another and that’s what I do - through uplifting God filled conversation. But no apparently that’s not the moment idk I’m tired of typing

Bye Xo

[azsdiary]

Me, speeeding omw ina Time Machine to whichever year next brings the revival of the swag era:

N I’m driving fast !!

ZEEeeOOOOOoooOoOoOoOEUUUuuUMMMMM 🏎️

[azsdiary]

What can I say. I sleep I wake I try to serve right. I love Jesus. He is my friend. I really have nothing else to say. That’s jet li’s wife by the way.