avadacandelabra

[avadacandelabra]

Dear Georgio,

I'm still in love with you. You're the love of my life. I know it. I understand why the 3D version of us had to be disappointing, lacking. We had to know, it was for something more, to get us to a certain place which is exactly where we find ourselves now. What was the alternative? Infinite happiness in a dead place? The two are not compatible, in fact they're combustible, which is basically what happened. We created what happened. I felt it as it appeared and through to the end of it, I knew that it was my own artistry that caused our decay. I wanted it. I was tired. I just wanted everything to end and it felt like ending us was the answer. In a way it was. I'm sure it served you to accept certain things too. We had to die to be born again from the ashes. When I close my eyes the energy between us there as strong as ever. I realise today that I have no choice but to trust in it. The truth lies inside of us, in unguarded moments where we can't tell ourselves untruths anymore and in dreams, when we are most defenceless. I shall never love again as I love you. As far as memory can stretch itself, before it has to come back again, full circle. I think that finally, I cannot deny it anymore and keep going as I have. To make it small and compactible, to pretend, at times, that it isn't there, is to settle in this place. I want to explore it. Release it from the cage, a strangled bird. I want to open myself to it completely, letting it fly. I want to know what lies at the base of it. More love? I suppose so. When can we start to create things, in the name of our love, instead of using it to thwart the unwholesome things that have come before? When can love be the new, clean slate and the chalk that writes on it?

Yours forever, Katherine

[avadacandelabra]

Dear Georgio,

Even if I forgave you, understood entirely what happened and came back to you, what exactly would I be coming back to? I don't want more of what we had, some lesser vestige of a long gone forgotten pass-time that the humans liked to do, to fill up time... I want it to be different. I don't want to stay here with this version of you and I. It would inevitably lead to the same thing happening over and over, the definition of crazy. I don't want to break my own heart anymore, for no gain, just for the sake of feeling it. The truth is, I still want to leave with you. My heart yearns for you, even as I fight against it. I love you still. Despite everything, I know that we would be impossibly happy somewhere new. I believe we could be so happy that we cannot even fathom how much. I still want to soar with you, to heights and depths so far and wide, as big as our love could be. Will be. I see it so clearly when I close my eyes. I want you every day. I want you with me, always. I want our love to permeate everything that we do. So I will no longer struggle against what is trying to be anymore. I know that we are clawing our way to get back to each other and I won't fight it, but I just pray that this time it's because it's the end. I can't be here anymore.

Yours forever, Katherine

[avadacandelabra]

Dream from 9/8/25

The bus was dropping us home from camp, and I was saying bye to everyone I just wanted to get off the bus asap but ppl I think meg wanted hugs so I turned around to hug everyone, the main ppl and jack from primary school was the last person I said bye too I said you’re a good dude, don’t stop being a good dude , and he said I was one too. But then he got off the bus at my stop? Or was it someone else, another man? And the behind the scenes ppl had smth to ask him like where’s the spreadsheet for the shots? Like alcohol shots for a party. And he was like idk but then went to go help them I was looking from inside my house glad I didn’t have to do anything

-

I keep trying to find the right clothes to wear for school tomorrow like I just can’t figure it out. I was going to uni. Like I have no clothes and I’m trying to settle for plaid leggings and baggy t shirt but I want other options . I had bleached my hair but dyed it black but it was the next day now and the blonde bits were ever blonder like a peekaboo highlights I kept stressing like wth.. should I just rock it? Or dye it over with some other colour? There were a lot of options. My hair looked thin and sparse and I couldn’t see my scalp which I was self-conscious about but there was a tuft of new hair growing at the back of my crown. Had I been walking around with it looking like that?

[avadacandelabra]

Dream from 8/8/25

I was at my school dorm and I had to go get my gross pillow from somewhere and I walked back with it so embarrassed trying to hide it and make sure no one sees I had to get it back there otherwise I’d have no pillow to sleep on. I was walking really fast and people kept trying to pull my focus or ask what I was doing, it felt like I was avoiding them cos they annoyed me but also cos I was embarrassed about my pillow.

[avadacandelabra]

Dream from 6/8/25

I was at a party at the temple, like the lunar new year festivals, we were looking at a small bedroom with a view of the ocean and I thought damn who’s room is this? They're so lucky to have such a nice view. Someone said Franny. I was like where is he? Then I walked out of the room and he appeared, I jumped to hug him. I was so glad to see him. I could feel him. I had missed him so much. He asked how I was, I told him I had been at a different party yesterday thinking he would be there but he wasn’t but I was glad he was here today. I said that haven’t been bothered with this party. Not any of the rides, couldn’t bear to be outside, can’t talk to any of these people just like 2 girls and 2 other ppl I was with I can talk to them and now him and that’s it. We were walking around as we talked, whispering into each other ears. Some guy I think it was William, we were gossiping about him. He was standing right next to us and wanted to know what we were saying but we pretended it was smth else. I was affectionate with Franny. I think it was time to go or smth, like the party was ending. I couldn’t find my bag I looked for in a room like a cloak room with everything on the floor but someone promised me my sister or my friend had it, I trusted them, we left.. I met up with that friend who was with some other ppl and indeed she had my bag..

[avadacandelabra]

Dreams from 5/8/25

I was leaving through the back door like of school or work and I knew he was waiting for me but I was resisting and avoiding. I hadn't gotten to him yet but I knew he wanted to drive me to Maccas but I said I’ll drive myself, since I’m hungry, I’ll get a burger or smth I could get there myself. I kept fiddling with my bag for some reason

-

Stress dream. To swap the mediation I had to log into a game with the patients birthdate and stuff but I just couldn’t get it. I was at Northcote plaza. I had rung the mum to come meet me I had given them the wrong medicine and she sighed exasperated I was going at it for hours and she never showed up but I kept trying. It was almost midnight. They were going to close soon. I thought the password would reset after midnight. I kept panicking. I kept trying different machines, I was forgetting her son’s birthday. I kept thinking of her car arriving. Then the thought occurred while I was deep in it, I realised it didn’t matter, it wasn’t real. I could just make it go away by telling myself it would be fine and it would work out and everything would be fine or I could just stop it entirely. I stopped and woke up from the dream

There was chocolate I was trying to order what flavour combination there was a lot to choose from like 2 of what flavour together and a biscuit base. I went with Bischoff base then I wanted to change it to something much more plain, Graham crackers.

Another stress dream of doing something repetitively but needing to stop but not stopping....

[avadacandelabra]

I wish you would leave my heart. I want to be free of you. I don't want your energy there, hiding beneath the surface, waiting for me. I deserve better. I want to know completely and to let it sink in, as truth, that I deserve better. You're not the person that I want, this isn't the type of connection that I want. Just let me go.

I wish things could be different. I wish they could have made linear sense. Why does it have to be like this? Why did you have to betray me? Why couldn't I have been enough for you? Why did you never feel guilt as you did it? Why didn't you think of me? Why did I have to find out like that? What was the point of all of this? To make me believe you were the one? WHY HS? WHY? How could you do this?

[avadacandelabra]

Dreams from 4/8/25

Aggy was shuffling all these booklets of papers and organising them, like CMIs and stuff for a customer, she was hard at work, she was going to be some time with this customer. I was wondering why she was working so hard but I felt kind of proud that she was. That she was handling it. I left the dispensary. I was standing in the aisle and Angela appeared. She was back. I was like omg how are you and hugged her she looked so happy, radiant and smiling. She asked about Natalya. It was still kind of low vibe, like she wanted to gossip but I was fine with it, happy to see her happy. Mike and Justin were standing at the front at tills and Aggy told me wanted them back since they were the preceptor for some student or smth. I replaced them, standing up there. And we were giving away little Christmas key chains to customers, like anyone who was nice to us. It was fun. I was feeling appreciative of people, we even sent emails sending well wishes and to customers we knew. Mike pressed paste and the email appeared to send. If someone was nice I asked Mike if I could give them a little keychain he said yes most of the time. It felt like I was playing both fields like I also spoke to Natalya and her mum who were against Angela and I told them Angela was saying stuff about them, like I couldn't lie, and they already knew, but I told them I was just playing along nodding and laughing and they understood. They said I would never mean it. Someone was asking about George like he only works 3 times a week here cos he has a new shop. Then I went upstairs, like it was our milkbar house. And there were two ppl flirting like co-workers? Reminds me of the movie I was watching last night. They were reading a book or something, like poetry to each other. I felt a tiny bit jealous, or perhaps, like Idk, I could have gotten this guy if I wanted him. But I didn't, even though I sorta wanted the attention. But I was happy for them. I thought I should sign out and walk out the front of the milkbar where Mike can see me leave so I can tell him goodbye but I thought what is the point? I’ll just leave out the back door. I didn’t even say bye to the lovers, I just left feeling no need to say anything to anyone. I felt peace. -

I was at the cinema watching Harry Potter but it was all weird but I didn’t care like a cartoon and it was 3d looking like all curved depending on the angle I was watching from. I wasn't immersed in what I was watching, it was a pretty bad rendition. I was with a group of people, they were talking about something but I didn’t care . I just wanted to leave the movie. Two professors of different houses in the movie were doing speeches and giving people awards?

-

I showed up to work but the shop was closed. It was a surprise. Some floor person was there from the past and he was sitting there telling people to leave, as if he had ben instructed to do so by the owners, but was giving everyone some token first. I tried to do a handshake with him. It was someone I had been chummy with. There were some tradies there and they were putting ladders until into the second story which was where the medicine was, as a block, so people couldn’t get to it. The whole place looked closed down or out of business. It was like wartime or something and people were reuniting with each other, there was some miscommunication, Bathilda from far from the maddening crowd? Like she had to do some demeaning stuff to survive? And two men wanted to marry her to save her or smth. But she didn't have to do that, she was coming back. We were standing out front for some reason..

[avadacandelabra]

Dream from 3/8/25

I had a dream I went in Instagram and I could see his conversation with her, I knew that he had made it so that I could see it. He kept referring to her as me. It was a very benign conversation, they were talking as if they were bros and I knew she wasn’t there and he was just talking to me. The things they talked about seemed disjointed and not make sense. There was nothing between them. He kept talking about me, and so did she. She kept mentioning my name. He kept saying he was in love with me. At the end of the conversation he was pleading like please katherine I love you etc he knew that I could see it. The background to their conversation was some masculine puppet thing

[avadacandelabra]

I don’t want to hear your voice or look at you

But underneath what am I really hoping for…

Why do I still have it?

[avadacandelabra]

Dream from 2/9/25

I was with Matt? We were leaving some place, like school, but there was a few stops, like a tuck shop that Amelia ran, she gave me few raspberry gummies. Or was I with gr? No it was gr… we left at the same time and I almost didn’t care that ppl saw, I think Evang saw but I didn’t care and she didn’t say anything either.

And someone else and he kept wanting to go shopping, at first I went along with it. We had gotten ice cream, and I was too absorbed in some shop that when I came out it had melted and Shawn new said u spent too long, one hour, so I course it melted and he asked if he could throw ir out, I was disappointed since I wanted to eat it. And I felt really cared for that gr had got me treat Then they were looking at shoes or smth and I was getting impatient I just wanted to go home. I started thinking I should have driven myself so I could have left anytime I wanted. It felt like I was with my parents, a man and a women, and like stuck with them like I was a small child

Some other scene where, he made sure I had signed out of the games or computers I’d logged into while I was at work? Like he even interrupted some kids playing a game for check and make sure we had both logged out so we could go home . I felt really cared for, like he was my bf looking after me.

I was in Vietnam and I thought I should go to Europe, just go why not. So I went and I was walking outside and enjoying myself and I thought I should take pictures to record the memories? But I didn’t really feel the need, just felt like I should like it also felt like there wasn’t much going on to even document

[avadacandelabra]

Did you enhance my life? Was it all worth it, to have love?

I am undecided.

I remember feeling a sense of burden, not feeling like I was enough and forgetting who I was…

When I knew you, I lost myself

When I knew you, I forgot what I was doing here

And where I’m going

/

How can I gaslight myself into coming back to you?

[avadacandelabra]

Dreams from 31/7/25

I was at work at Northcote, standing in the SMS shelf area and the violin teacher was like when r u next free for another lesson and I thought about it and said I don’t want to do it anymore cos he was kinda creepy and I didn’t want to pass time anymore and I didn't even enjoy it.

I found jai again and we were talking and then my ex found me and we started texting and then gr was in the back of my mind also I think and then after awhile of MP and I exchanging a few messages I think I agreed to get back together with him or something.. so MP changed our relationship status on tinder and I was embarrassed. I was afraid jai would see. I hadn’t replied to him in a few days, I should say something. I was going to date all of them at the same time to pass the time. I was getting ready for work, I knew I could do it. Before going to work I was gonna get a coffee and I was looking back to see if MP was following me

I had woken up I think and I was avoiding messaging him, trying to convince myself he wasn’t that bad… I think it was MP.. I kept putting off texting him but I knew I had to and it kind of felt like we had broken up already and things had already been left alone or if I did leave it alone, we would be broken up for real and it would just fade away but was I trying to find a reason to keep going? I was convincing myself he was fine, like thoughts were spiralling in my head trying to make it okay.

[avadacandelabra]

It's not over Georgio. It's not the end, it hasn't even started. I'm in love with you and I don't think I'll ever stop. I just want to move forward with you too. You're the one for me. You're my heart and soul... I'm always with you even now, my focus is not here anymore... It's with you. I just want to be with you forever.

[avadacandelabra]

Dream from 30/7/25

I was at my house, I was about to get ready for work. Or I was at work already and there was some egg shell we had to get ready for a customer and it was always the same, we had to form a mould over the shell to give to them and I was really over it.

Then he had come to hug me and I was really resisting it. Like we were on the couch but it was work but I really didn’t want anyone to see i could hear ppl about to walk past and I shoved him off me like how could u do that, blaming him and stuff. My dad had something to say about the pimples on my face so I had a go at him and was like repeat what u were going to say like I dared him to say smth rude to me . He didn’t repeat it except said I should go to sleep. Then I went to go get ready begrudgingly for work.

[avadacandelabra]

Dream from 29/7/25

Sm is waiting for me, we were at a restaurant waiting to leave and it’s like we couldn’t talk properly yet. I was also loosing track of where my bag was, where I was originally sitting there were other patrons there now. I needed to get it before leaving .I was also at home waiting to leave and at work waiting to leave. The waiting energy felt really uncomfortable and one where I was at home with no underwear on just kneeling and waiting

I was at the old house. And it’s like we were locking up with all our bags to go but I had to go to the toilet so just as we were about to lock up I said hang on I just have to go the toilet really quickly I said I'd be like one minute, I was getting my period and I had to put on a pad I looked in the bathroom for one but the cupboards were empty I didn’t want to use a wad of tissue but then I found a pack of pads right there and used it, a smaller size but I knew it’s be fine. Then I heard voices of my comrades in the house again and I felt like I had to hurry because they were waiting for me

[avadacandelabra]

It’s been a week and I’m realising you really broke my heart. I wanted to believe and I tried to believe as best as I could, that you loved me as much as you say you did. I thought it was all a part of the slow unfolding of the truth and that we would be together forever, that it’s all happening for a reason but it was all lies. Even now, I don’t know why I still hope you’ll drive past, or be there for a shift, or appear in my dreams. I guess despite it all I still love you. Isn’t it what I asked for? For you to leave me? The truth is I couldn’t handle you and I couldn’t handle us and if it kept on for much longer I was going to burn out. I was already burnt out.

Did it have to happen like this? I know I was never sure about you but why did it have to happen like this…

I’m tired of waiting for some man to want me the way I want to be wanted. I’m tired of all this low-vibe and striving and continuance of pain and frustration. I wish I could be free. I wanted to be free with you, somewhere new, but if we couldn’t have it here, if the representation of us wasn’t where it’s supposed to be in this place, then there was never any hope for us. No more hope. The foundation was broken. I have to accept that the now is all we have.

I hope you’re okay. But I don’t think I hope for you anymore