atin-talks

[atin-talks]

[atin-talks]

Love and intimacy is terrifying. Or perhaps it's more, the thought of being vulnerable. Maybe a little bit of both. Being loved, unconditionally. But I want it so fucking badly...

[atin-talks]

Sent by a friend, and if this isn't me I don't know what is

[atin-talks]

Things I like, inspired by idkman's video

Music, all sorts. Maybe that's another post music I like.

I like the moon

I like cold mornings when the blankets are chilly and crisp

I like hot soup

I like smoking Djarum Blacks

I like playing ttrpg with my friends

I like talking with my friends

Gaming with my friends

I like having my blanket that I was wrapped in when I was born, and using it to soothe myself

I like watching stars

I like my job

I like driving in my car

I like looking out airplane windows

I like painting my little miniatures

I like writing back stories for OC's as short stories

I like making playlists

I like wearing my Poppy I Disagree jacket

I like home cooked meals from my mom

I like sitting in front of a wood stove

I like collecting vinyls and playing them

I like laughing

I like feeling happy

I like being

I like existing

I like Skittles and sour Skittles

I like cheeseburgers

I like citrus fruits

I like juice

I like my wubby

I like drinking from my canteen cup

I like being silly with my friends

I like making them laugh

I like thinking of tattoos I want to get

I like.

[atin-talks]

What about being flawed makes me feel like I'm unworthy of unconditional love. What flaws make me feel unworthy of unconditional love. And how can something I crave so badly cause me to run and push away?

[atin-talks]

[atin-talks]

Why am I afraid to put fault on others. Why can't I relieve myself of the blame, bearing the responsibility of failure for others. Why can't I believe that maybe it wasn't just my fault, that I was wronged, and maybe didn't deserve this.

[atin-talks]

[atin-talks]

[atin-talks]

my insides feel rotten, i dont feel like a real person

[atin-talks]

[atin-talks]

On trauma, tw: suicide, self harm

Trauma, it's something I never realized, acknowledged that I had? I don't know what term to use, but I digress. That was always something for other people, people who had it worse. I have had nothing to complain about, which I still believe. I've been very fortunate. But terrible things have happened, and they don't just wash away like I thought I could do.

I've attempted to attempt suicide I like to joke. In truth I had full intention of ending my life. But I couldn't find the keys to my dad's gun locker before one of my closest friends was able to talk me out of it. I don't think she realized what she had stopped.

But for me it was only ever an attempt of an attempt. I didn't go through anything, sure I had cut myself before, but it was only nicks never deep like on tv. I wasn't actually depressed I wasn't fighting anything I was over reacting to a breakup. At least that's what my parents tried to explain to me, my counselor.

It wasn't their fault I knew the angle they would come at, and I just eased their minds. And I let myself believe, because I had no reason to be sad, I've had a good life.

Later in I would reflect on those months, how silly I was an edgy teenager who was overreacting. Yet I can't watch self harm or suicide on TV. Because it brings me back to those times when I would have myself. But that's not trauma or a trigger, because I'm supposed to be stronger than that.

Last June work held a seminar on prevention of the suicide rate in my occupation. They talked about triggers, how it's not this overblown freakout like the media (especially conservative) portrays. No it's anything good or bad, any reaction. Of course I dismissed that as ridiculous, I don't get triggered by anything, I'm a matured adult, I don't let that affect me anymore.

But it's a lie, I can't spend weekends, vacation away from work sober. Because I am damaged, and I've never had the knowledge or acceptance of anything else other than being "normal". And it took all of this, and the greatest of friends to understand that.

I think modern stoicism has tried to detach itself completely from emotion. Or at least that's how I've interpreted and used it. But maybe it's just me.

Yes it is good and virtuous to weather hardship and life with your chin up. But is it just as virtuous to pretend that it does hurt, and to try and run from that pain though deeper stoicism? Granted I'm not one to follow with this. The only way I can allow myself to speak about what I feel with the closest of friends is through memes or through jokes. Having some kind of separation from what I'm feeling and myself. Or a feeling of anonymity (hence this blog).

Though I don't think this is solely on my learning and implementation of stoicism in life. This, also builds from trauma, I imagine. I don't know for sure.

[atin-talks]

I think modern stoicism has tried to detach itself completely from emotion. Or at least that's how I've interpreted and used it. But maybe it's just me.

Yes it is good and virtuous to weather hardship and life with your chin up. But is it just as virtuous to pretend that it does hurt, and to try and run from that pain though deeper stoicism? Granted I'm not one to follow with this. The only way I can allow myself to speak about what I feel with the closest of friends is through memes or through jokes. Having some kind of separation from what I'm feeling and myself. Or a feeling of anonymity (hence this blog).

Though I don't think this is solely on my learning and implementation of stoicism in life. This, also builds from trauma, I imagine. I don't know for sure.

[atin-talks]

[atin-talks]

I crave affection, connection, with a passion and need that can feel all consuming. But I can't let myself become open to that. Let myself be vulnerable. I'm afraid of the thorns in the roses with a fear that shames me. And yet I'd run into a thicket bush without a second thought just because it's familiar.