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A cup of milk followed immediately by a can of carbonated energy drink truly is my best idea to date

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I just had 1/2 a coffee and 1 pancake and I’m about to give my works bathroom the worst time it’s ever had

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Old boss: “if you don’t like this job, you can quit”

Me: *quits*

Old boss:

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The moment when you write a beautiful DnD campaign, but you know your players are gonna tear it up

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“Don’t kill innocent civilians!”

“Ok, I won’t kill the innocent civilians”

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“I feel like I don’t get to talk to you as much as I talk to [mutual friends]”

That’s bc I’m avoiding you. I don’t want the ‘I need to tell you something’ conversation

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Is in language class and have to talk abt what I want in the language to practice

Teach- what do you want?

Me- *thinks she means like souvenirs when traveling* “I like to get rocks when I travel”

Teach- ?no what do you want? Time? Money?

Me- I want food

Teach- you want to eat?

Me- I want books. Many books. Library :)

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Work: “We’ll start at 5am so we should be ready for your part at 6am so you should come in then.”

Me: *Arrives at 6am*

Work: *Is not ready for me until 7:30*

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Me- “Why do I feel sick and shaky?” 🤔

Me- *has consumed only 300mg of caffeine in the past 16 hours*

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Boss- “Thanks for coming in early”

Me- “No problem”

Me- *Did not sleep the night before bc of anxiety of oversleeping*

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“I can say goodbye in Spanish”

“Howdy hoes”

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Sis: “Do you wanna be hydro-homies?”

6-year-old nephew: “Ew”

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My coworker (a professional scientist man): *is making a massive turkey balloon with his nitrile glove*

*clients peak into our window moments after he’s done*

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Foods that hurt my tum tum: cheese, bread, red sauces

My favorite food: pizza :)

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i don’t have a “dream job” but if i did then it would be to live underneath an opera house and regularly terrorize and extort the managers. but for some reason that’s not a “realistic career plan” or something

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“I don’t cheat, I fail honorably!”

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“Did you have the forethought to bring a folding chair”

“Don’t underestimate me, I have five thoughts.”