asterinblythe

[asterinblythe]

a cup, an ounce, a pint

“ Marianne... I’m not a religious person but I do sometimes think God made you for me. “ 

is a passage from a novel called Normal People by Sally Rooney. Ironically, I have not read a single page from this book but a single quote from it made me stop to think about it more. How much can you love someone? How much of yourself can you offer to someone to the point of believing in the existence of a deity? How much is too much when it comes to loving someone? How much is enough, not enough, many, too many, what are the exact measurements? 

from everything I have seen, one commonality I have observed is that everyone seem to be keeping track. there is this sense of adrenaline that comes with constantly checking to see if they have passed “the standard”. it’s like a race, except nobody is putting up a finish line. doing certain actions or uttering certain affirmations earns you a badge, a medal, a sash, a kiss from your lover that can be erased with the wipe of your sweaty palm. everyone holds a different checklist and it changes constantly, nothing of it is ever consistent. It’s always do this, do that, and if you don’t, then, was there a point of it all? was the love that you’ve said and done to me, meaningless? was there ever a time where all of it was sincere and honest? 

however, I am not here to condemn the romantic actions and words you have given to the people you love. in fact, I believe that they are all important and beneficial for the growth of your relationship. it can only become unhealthy if these rules and standards are the ones that are keeping your relationship together. there is not one way to love someone. to love someone means to listen to the one that’s responsible of it all, your heart. to love someone means to have every single part of you express the feeling of love and leave them no moment to question about it. “I love you” and every ounce of my soul can say the same. don’t be afraid of the things people say about how you’re not being the good lover you are supposed to be or how you are not doing enough. we are never the same person and to understand the characteristics that makes them unique and different from others and using that as a tool to better express your love for them is more than enough. this is a conversation between the both of you; only you two can truly understand how you define love in your relationship and not anyone else, not even god. therefore, choose to love them in a way that is true to your heart and soul and not the echoes of whispers floating around the air. 

to answer my question earlier, no, love doesn’t contain a measurement. it never has and will never have one until the end of time. 

[asterinblythe]

affair of the heart

hello ! long time no post. this is me procrasinating all my school works. my posts have never been constant so maybe, if you enjoy the things i write, just visit my account every 6 months. today, i have another love problem. 

as someone who has never had a lover since the day they were pushed out of their mother’s vagina, i can say that i never want to go through the excruciating experience that is love. i’m sure every hopeless romantic can relate when i say that we enjoy the idea of love. we love watching, reading, thinking about love. it provides us with the feeling we have been wanting for ever since we discovered the existence of it. yet, when we encounter love, we feel intimidated. we are confronted by love and suddenly, the world turns gray. it’s not like the illusion we have been looking at our entire lives. it’s messy, confusing, scary, all the feelings we never knew could be connected to love. we then say, “love’s not for me”. 

if you can sympathize with what i just said earlier, unfortunately, i’m not here to give any advice. i am here to talk about a side of me that deals with all the romance in my life. i am here to talk about my love life. it’s just pure delusion but honestly, if it fuels the hollow and empty parts of my life, so be it. 

i have been liking this person ever since they started to occupy a portion of my time during the day. i remember enjoying every part of it. i enjoyed spending my time talking to someone other than the people surrounding the four corners of my house. i imagined it was like those romcoms where they would text back and forth and then, they lived happily ever after. unfortunately, mine wasn’t like that. i would describe it as a show that is just full of cliffhangers and never coming to a conclusion. it was confusing. in the end, i just had to come to a conclusion myself. 

i concluded that they weren’t really interested in me. they were probably just using me as pastime. they were never really interested in me in the first place. in fact, not a speck of romance was found in our relationship. the label found was acquaintances. no matter how often i go through this experience, i will always find myself to be disappointed and bitter. when you play a game and you have this level you can never seem to beat, you would think to yourself that “this is the day i will beat this level and advance through the next”. you know what to do, you know what’s going to happen next, and then, you fail and have to repeat the level all over again. you always fall right into the trap that is obviously laid out in front of you. would that be the moment you would consider yourself a failure and stop playing the game overall? yes but also, no. 

as much as i hate feeling hurt everytime i fail in my experiences with love, i can’t help but be hopeful that the next might be the one. i have always seen the bad side of love, thinking that the good ones are only found in pieces of fiction. however, as i go on this journey in life, i realized that i was completely wrong. love is beautiful. love is amazing. it’s such a beautiful thing to witness. i love seeing couples find different ways to express their love towards one another. i love seeing the different ways to love someone. platonically, romantically, you name it. love can be exhausting. it can seem like a grayish world with no trace of color to be found. yet, it doesn’t look that way forever. when the love we deserve comes into our lives, i hope we keep in mind that this is not some just shooting star moment that just comes in because we are extremely lucky people. love will come to us at the perfect moment even if it isn’t in your desired schedule. it may be right in front of you. who knows? 

[asterinblythe]

5.3.22

if i were to be more honest with myself, would i feel better or worse? 

i never really came out to my friends or family. if they ask, i do tell them. i don’t want to make a big deal out of it. but is that really all there is to it? if i were to be honest, coming out, the idea of it, makes me uncomfortable. rather, it scares me. 

if i were to tell my parents right now that i am queer, would their perception of me change? of course it would. would it be a good one? i don’t think it is. i imagine they would say they accept me but then proceed to gaslight me into thinking that this is just a phase and i would get over it. the thought of that scares me more than not being accepted and loved. there are times when i do want to tell them because it’s quite suffocating for me to keep this a secret... but then maybe its for the best. maybe it’s best that i just not formally tell them and let them find out in their own accord. and when that time comes, i hope they would still be the same loving and caring parents i have come to know my entire life. 

[asterinblythe]

i was the one at fault. i expected too much. i wanted something to happen between us. i exaggerated every single one of your stories and post you shared on your feed, tricking myself into thinking that this is dedicated for me. and i could’ve never been more wrong. im sorry 

[asterinblythe]

calling out anderperry shippers!

pls recommend me the best anderperry fic you have ever read! there are no tropes off limits !

[asterinblythe]

into the future

5 years from now, im gonna look into this account (if i haven’t deleted it already) and say wow... what a fucking laughstock

[asterinblythe]

to let a good thing die

a day before valentines day, i told this person that i liked them. before doing so, i was anxious. extremely anxious. i was burning up, my heart was pounding faster than the wind and i even contemplated on not doing it. but i knew that if i don’t do it now, i would hate myself the next day. so, i texted them. and they rejected me. 

despite the fact that i just got rejected, i felt calm. i felt okay. all those hours of overthinking whether or not my confession would be a good one were all useless because in the end, they still rejected me. and you know what?, i felt satisfied with the fact that they rejected me but that’s what i would say... if i was lying.

i was already used to rejection. since the moment i first had romantic feelings for another human, i was constantly rejected. mutual feelings never existed in my life’s dictionary and i never really wished for it to have a place there. so whenever they would like me back, it felt foreign to me. why? are you sure? is this prank? those were the kinds of thoughts running around my head everytime they would tell me they liked me back. and it was a constant problem whenever an opportunity of me having a partner comes by. i feel as if im not worthy of having my love reciprocated by another and its sad to think about. 

so, when they rejected me, i felt okay at first. and then, a few days pass by and i realized... im not okay. it hurt. i’ve never felt this before. i thought that them rejecting me would satisfy me but i didn’t. i was dissapointed. i thought they would like me back considering all the hidden little messages they were showing but that was just me and my assumptions. what’s so special about them to the point where i can’t seem to let go? by this time, i should have moved on... but unfortunately, im having a hard time moving on. they were special to me. they were supposed to be the one. but the universe is just as cruel as they say and  all was just a figment of my mind. 

[asterinblythe]

letter for c

hi C, im writing this letter because i like you. and i dont know why. you dont really have anything in you that stands out nor do you fit my ideal type in a person. my feelings for you, im not sure if its all an illusion i created for myself or if its actually real and i dont really need a valid answer as to why i have these feelings. the longer i try to find the answer to this question, the more i pay attention to the things you do. i try so desperately to find some things we have in common in order to strike up a conversation with you but in the end, i still cant do it. every day has been a day of suffering because of these feelings i have for you but then again, i dont hate you for it. 

[asterinblythe]

Bye 2021, you can go now :)

As the year 2021 is coming to a close, I have a few things to say.

 First, the year 2021 was filled with good and bad days but if i were to be honest, I don’t remember anything in the first half of the year. I can’t believe it will be 2022 and I still haven’t met Seventeen, really dissapointing to be honest.

 Second, I would like to thank myself. Self, thank you for everything. Thank you for being my best friend and therapist at the same time. You really made the effort to become a better person and I appreciate you for doing that. You may not be the best version of yourself right now and that’s okay. The challenges you will be facing in the upcoming year will probably be much worse or maybe it will be the same. Just know that you are enough and I want you to enjoy your life while you still can. 

 Lastly, I would like to give a message to the person who may be reading this post. You did well my friend💟 It was probably exhausting going through a lot of hardships and obstacles this year but you being able to read this is enough evidence to support the fact that you were able to push through those challenges and stand proud. To those who are struggling and are not having a good time right now, you will overcome that struggle and emerge victorious thus proving to everyone that you are that bitch. Love ya ❤️

Happy New Year to all and may 2022 be filled with goodluck and a Seventeen concert ticket in my hands 🎉

[asterinblythe]

sure, war... sad.

Shane Madej

[asterinblythe]

i let out the biggest wheeze i’ve ever let out in my entire life. they make me so happy <3 

[asterinblythe]

yes this is true because black maria is my wife and we were just kissing earlier so..

bisexual lighting

[asterinblythe]

having this playlist as bgm while reading anderperry aus is my therapy ♡

[asterinblythe]

they were inlove, your honor. 

random question before i start, do you guys spell honor with the letter u or without?

Since we had no internet, I had to resort to watching the movies I had in my laptop and the only movie I could find was the Dead Poets Society. To be honest, this movie made me feel a little nostalgic because I discovered this movie on my 8th grade English class. When I first saw the movie, I was captivated by the handsome white men that appeared on my screen and most especially the dark academia aesthetic. Also, I fell inlove with Neil Perry the moment I laid my eyes on him. He just looked so dreamy. Definitely had a crush on him not knowing what would happen there after.

Watching it for the first time made me super emotional. It felt like somebody took my heart, squeezed it tight, making it hard for me to breathe, tore it apart like a piece of paper, and I spent the last few minutes of the movie crying. Watching it the second time didn't make it less emotional either.

Although, watching it the second time made me realize a few things and also changed the way I saw the movie. First of all, Neil and Todd were most definitely inlove, I think everyone can agree to that. I mean, the scene where todd was reciting his poem during class, that was when neil had hearts coming out of his eyes. Also, they were roomates... should i elaborate? Neil was such an important person to Todd considering the fact that he was always there for him, inviting him to group studies and always reaching out to him, letting him know that he's not alone.

If you think about it, the movie can actually be considered done when the play came to an end and the curtains were closing. After the play, Todd confesses his feelings for Neil and he reciprocates those feelings and they lived happy ever after. The End. But unfortunately, we gays don't deserve a happy ending :(

Neil died and Todd was the person most devastated about it. He ran into the field of snow screaming his name, trying to convince himself that it isn't true. He knew that no matter how much he puts the blame on Neil's father, no matter how much he would call out his name, he would never come back. ever. but despite that, he stands on top his table, an act of rebellion he never would have done if he was still that anxious Todd he was before. He says goodbye to Mr. Keating, who made him realize what he was capable of.

Also, some things I would like to add, nox's story made me a little iffy. Considering the fact that the girl he was trying to court already had a boyfriend but well, his boyfriend was a jerk so i guess it's okay... carpe diem bitches! Charlie wasn't an exception either. He was very much a womanizer and had a very rebellious attitude but still loved him tbh (very much anti-women of me jk). Mr. Keating was personally a likeable character. I enjoyed the way he does his classes and I liked how he was also like a father figure to them. I definitely learned alot from him. Overall, I can confidently say that this is one of my favorites and I shall remember it until my last carpe diem!

[asterinblythe]

a convo in my head

brain: so.. what are you trying to do?

me: im trying to find this guy's spotify account.

brain: oh.. the guy you have a crush on but know nothing about?

me: EXACTLY ! !

random brain cell: you know, why not ask him directly what his account is? isn't that easier?

me: DO YOU NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME?? I will do anything but THAT.

random brain cell: oh.. im sorry.

brain: HOW do you not feel embarassed? 🤦🏻‍♀️

[asterinblythe]

mysterium

no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to remember the reason why I have fallen for you. I can’t remember the first time I laid my eyes on you nor the first time I talked to you. 

strangely enough, you feel like someone familiar. someone full of mysteries and familiarities. you seem to belong in this place in my heart that I have always thought was empty. 

maybe it was your voice that calmed me in days filled with anxiety. maybe it was your smile, one that can easily outshine the sun that’s above me. maybe it was your touch that felt gentle, like a lullaby my mother sang to me as a child. 

maybe, I will never really know the reason why. whatever it may be, I’m thankful it was you, the one whom i loved mysteriously.