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this tweet hasn't left my mind once in the two years since it's been posted

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My friend was recently at work and a customer left her number for him unprompted. What should he do?

Wow, congratulations to your friend! It appears that he has successfully navigated a Flirtative Encounter, which is a wonderful accomplishment. Bravo!

It depends wholly on your friend's intentions/reaction. Does he plan on pursuing this unexpected potential romance? There are several paths he could take. 

1. Serious

Sometimes love at first sight happens and that is a beautiful thing. This is something that should be immediately pursued and chased before it can escape. What does he know about this customer? He must take all of this information - phone number, name, etc, and find out everything he can online. It must be assumed, of course, that she is doing the same thing, because this level of true love can only be mutual. Finding everything possible about her before properly meeting ensures the speeding up of the dating process; it allows them to skip all of the tedious and boring getting-to-know-you stuff and skip right to the classic and passionate romance! 

Only until he is an expert on her (and, it is assumed, she is an expert on him) should he actually call her.

2. Apprehensive

What, you expect him to actually call her?! Why would you make him do that?! Worst. Idea. Ever.

3. Hopeful but Phone-phobic

Do enough research to find out where she lives, at the very least. Instead of calling her, he should instead stand below her window, teen romcom style, and blast something romantic. This will make her fall madly in love with him. No call necessary!

These are, at least in my experience, the three main paths to follow once one receives positive results from a Flirtative Encounter. However, if your friend has some sort of different, unnatural reaction, let me know! And we can try to figure out some different path to take. Together~!

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it's my significant other's anniversary tomorrow - how can i make the sex extra romantic?

It's almost springtime... the flowers are blooming... the sun is shining more... the birds are coming out to sing... all around us, the miracle of life is happening. What's more romantic than life itself?

To make your sex extra romantic, consider choking your partner to death. Not too much, though, or the next part won't work. Give them CPR (try to resist the urge to use tongue, though!!), and when they're properly revived, say "Hey baby, if that's what my mouth can do for your lungs, just think what it can do for your genitals."

Your partner will fall in love with you all over again.

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If you eat like crap, you're going to taste like crap. But if you're terrible on top of that...

A rather drunk patron sitting next to me at the bar I went to tonight, who happened to give this nugget of wisdom while warning me about the dangers of sugar, corn syrup, and diabetes.

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Troll.

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Try cockfighting!

It's like an Eskimo kiss but with your penis.

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how is babby formed?

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I'm a gay dude, but that's not really important except to add a joke to the following sentence. I'm a meat eater and I always will be. It's a part of who I am. However, I keep landing people that are vegetarians or (dare I say it) vegans. Should this be a deal breaker or is there a way I can work around this?

Hm, it's always an issue, figuring out how to have your vegetarian/vegan partner join you as sexually carnivorous. It's a matter of sort of easing them onto it, like exposure therapy really.

You need to take advantage of bacon's roll as the gateway meat. Tightly roll up strips of bacon to put in his mouth. This will take some time to accomplish, of course. When he can comfortably do that, take a few bacon strips and wrap them around your penis. Make sure to wrap it in a way that no skin etc shows through. When your partner can comfortably put your bacon-wrapped penis in his mouth, then you can finally remove the bacon and have him eating your bare meat.

Does anyone have any personal experience, good or otherwise, at getting your partners to start eating meat??

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Would you make an exception for James T. Kirk? What about Batman?

Well, for Kirk, honestly I'd just ask him to please take off his clothes and then sit in a chair in front of me so I can stare at him for hours.

Batman I'd consider, but he'd probably wanna break my legs or punch me in the face or something and honestly I'm really not into that.

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What should I listen to during sex?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mbj27i3HPeM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbGkxcY7YFU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPnGPIMUnus

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcUi6UEQh00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUwvhOaojoc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_izvAbhExY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obgswSg292c

and then just finish with the entirety of this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6-KspZegsE

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what kind of condoms should i buy? i can't decide if i should get flavored or ribbed or studded or glitter or what

buy all of them for an extra special variety! but be aware of the pros and cons of each:

ribbed

pros: it feels good and shit

cons: your partner may mistake you for a shark and call animal control on your penis

studded

pros: it will make you feel like a stud

cons: you may end up turning into the asshole kind of stud who wears sunglasses indoors, which can be dangerous, if the sunglasses fall off in the middle of sex, fall in between your bodies and stab you in the organ

glitter

pros: you will feel sexy like a vampire

cons: you may be attacked by rabid Twilight fans mid-coitus

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What's the best way to seduce an older woman?

Check out this book, it's always worked for me!

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I'm ace, but my beloved is sexual. I was wondering if you had any advice for ways to keep myself interested during sex?

thrust to the beat of various songs

while orgasming, yell expletives in different languages

discuss politics

thrust in morse code

dress up your partner's genitals

play solitaire

compare the sex to various battles throughout history

count to infinity

write and shoot a sexual education video (learning through doing!)

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best way to perform oral? curious minds want to know!

it's all trial and error, really. bend over and suck on shit. if your partner makes a yummy noise, keep licking. if they make a blechy noise, suck on something else. rinse and repeat

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yo dude how the fuck do i put on a condom

Usually it's best to practice with something phallic, like a banana! First, take the condom, put the bubbly bit on the stem, and unfurl it down the body of the banana. Be sure not to stretch it too tight, lest you rip a hole in the condom! Then, establish the coordinates of the banana in relation to your body, and beam the condom from the banana onto your penis. But don't forget - one of these things is curvy and the other is not! And then you are free to come where no man has come before...

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Also I should mention that you are more than welcome to ask/submit your situation for some advice, I'd love to help. :P (Anon is on.)