anonyoungmom-blog

[anonyoungmom-blog]

July 28, 2017

These past few nights I have been putting my son to bed in his twin bed and laying down with him until he fell asleep. Last night was a rough night because he REFUSED to enter his new room and definitely didn’t want to sleep in the big boy bed. So I placed him into his bed and rubbed his tummy until he calmed down and eventually fell asleep. 

Tonight he casually walked into his new room when I asked him to and even climbed into his bed when I asked him to. SUCCESS!! Since he willingly went to bed and was accepting of the fact that it was bed time, I decided I didn’t need to lay with him. 

In his toddler bed in his old room he always got into his bed on his own and I could kiss him goodnight and leave the room knowing he would be asleep shortly. Tonight he made that same choice in his new bed and I was so excited! He amazes me almost every day, and he makes me question if I can really love another son in the same manner. 

Now that he is fully into his new room, I’ve shifted all his clothes into there and now have an empty closet to fill with baby clothes in the now nursery for the new baby! I’m 34 weeks and getting bigger everyday, so I figured I need to start cranking out the baby stuff from storage and get everything settled ASAP!

[anonyoungmom-blog]

July 25, 2017

Today marks the first day of my son sleeping in a twin size bed! He still fit perfectly fine into his toddler bed, but now it’s time for me to turn that toddler bed back into a crib for the new baby! :)

I was surprised it only took me an hour to get my son to sleep in the bed. I laid down with him and just gently scratched his legs, arms, and tummy until he fell asleep. Now I’m a little nervous when he might wake up.. I’m hoping he will wake up at his normal 7am. Cross your fingers for me! 

And hurray for being able to set up the baby’s nursery tomorrow! :D

[anonyoungmom-blog]

July 22, 2017

I forgot to post something the past couple of days, just because I’ve been really into my school work and finishing up my assignments.

However, yesterday was actually a really eventful day for myself and my son. My dad invited us to go to a local (well like an hour away) water pad for kids that has a bunch of sprinklers and hoses and stuff. It was such a good idea because it was like 91 degrees here. But anyway, I actually have a 3 year old brother who gets along with my 2 year old son amazing. They’re so cute together and I love seeing them interact.

Before we went to the water pad, we ate lunch at McDonalds with a play place. While my father and I were eating we let the boys play in there with other kids. My son is clearly younger than the other kids and doesn’t talk, so they didn’t pay much attention to him other than saying “Hi!” or other friendly quick things. 

During their time in there I heard my brother say to an apparently 7 year old boy “I might be 3 but I’m big and if you try to be mean to me or my brother then I’m going to beat you up!” My dad immediately scolded him for picking a random fight with another kid, but I couldn’t help but be really happy inside at that statement. Although my son is his nephew, he still was sticking up for him even though the situation didn’t call for it. I could visibly see my son standing in the same area of the play place as the other kids and he was just smiling ear to ear at the fact that he was interacting with other kids. Sometimes I think my son is happier to watch another kid have fun and be happy than actually doing things himself. That’s how I know he’s going to grow up to be such an amazing friend / husband some day. 

Also knowing my little brother who is a year older than my son has his back is a great feeling. I know he’ll always have a friend in this world who looks out for him like a little brother. When you know your child has Autism you can’t help but be concerned for their social life when they get older. But day by day I’m feeling a little more confident that there’s no real reason for me to worry. <3

[anonyoungmom-blog]

June 19, 2017

I didn’t bother posting yesterday and wasn’t going to bother posting today, because again it was a day filled with doing basically nothing but sitting inside.

My husband had the day off, and I begged him to go to the lake with myself and our son so that we could get out of the house. But he works until 1 am and doesn’t usually sleep until 3 or 4 am, so he refused to get out of bed.

I decided to just drive to the lake with just myself and my son After I picked him up from therapy, because he loves swimming and it was like 90 degrees here. However, I realized the lake it 40 minutes away and there’s no cell service there. I would only know how to get there from a GPS whereas my husband knows the area because he grew up there.

Determined not to have another boring day, I decided to go back to our neighborhood and use the neighborhood pool. I don’t usually like going there because there’s always a handful of other people and I’m too antisocial for all that neighborly crap.

As we drove up to it, I saw the pool was completely empty!! I was so excited I pulled right into a parking spot, dressed my son in his swimsuit and swim diaper and told him we were going swimming. As we approached the gate to the pool he got very excited, because he realized what we were doing there.

BUT OF COURSE. When we got to the gate there is a printed piece of paper stating the pool is closed because someone pooped in it. Now this is 11:30 AM and I’m almost positive this sign wasn’t posted today. So how long has this poop problem been going on and no one has cleaned the pool??

I looked at the pool and it looked perfectly clean to me, but I’m not about to risk swimming in any feces. So I had to bring my disappointed son back to the car and go back home to sit inside all day. He wasn’t upset anymore once we got home, because he started playing Mario Run on his iPad.

A few hours later my husband woke up and said lets go get a late lunch at a local diner. Again I was excited to leave the house. So we drove all the way there. Waited for about 10 minutes and decided to just order takeout from somewhere else and eat at home. See, with a 2 year old boy there’s a small window of waiting time you have at a restaurant before a meltdown occurs. There were also two parties ahead of us waiting to be seated and I being a hormonal, uncomfortable and hungry pregnant woman didn’t want to wait any longer. If my son is stressed, then I’m stressed.

So we ordered takeout, picked it up, and ate at home. Again, spending the day at home.

—-

After I put my son to bed, I asked my husband to watch a movie with me. He was too preoccupied with playing video games with his friends. So I’ve proceeded to just lay in bed watching stupid cat videos on Facebook.

-Update- My husband just walked in and told me he was going to go to the diner with his buddies. I immediately started crying, which he then accused me of trying to make him feel bad and not go. But what he doesn’t understand is how he has these friends to go hangout with, but he’s basically my only friend and I’ve been trying so hard to spend time with him.

Partially why I created this blog.. telling him my feelings always gets twisted around into how I’m just trying to “make him feel bad”.

*Update the next morning* I looked through my hubbys phone and found that he texted his friend he was supposedly meeting last night "Hey I'll be back in an hour or so." If you don't understand what that means, it means he lied to me about where he was and who he was with. No evidence in his phone told me who he met with for a couple hours last night.

[anonyoungmom-blog]

July 16, 2017

Ever read something over and get completely embarrassed about it? That just happened when I read over my previous entry. I did think about deleting the post, but I realized I wrote all those words true from my heart while in the middle of a breakdown. Why hide it?.

Today was a much better day. I picked myself up and took my son shopping with me to grab some cleaning supplies. (Side note- I think Dollar General is my new favorite store!) Once we got home I let my son and our puppy play on the porch while I got into some heavy duty mopping.

My laziness and depressive states have made me neglect the house for the past couple of days. The cats liter box was due for a change and resulted in the cat peeing on the floor of our extra bathroom.

It’s crazy how a mood can just make you forget about basic cleanliness.

But I can’t stay knocked down for long, and I have to force myself to get up. As much as cleaning is an annoyance (1 toddler, 1 puppy, 2 cats), it feels great to sit down and just know you’re in a clean home.

Tomorrow my son will go back to his therapy for two hours (5days a week) and I’m excited for that. We took a break from it last week because we went away for vacation, but had to cut it short because his sleep patterns were being too affected. I’ve noticed that his screeching has gotten worse over the past few days, and I believe it to be because he hasn’t had his therapy in his routine for this past week.

I’d just like to talk about his therapy for a moment since I got a couple of PMs asking about it. I was actually shocked to learn here on Tumblr that ABA treatment is frowned upon by most people. I had never heard about ABA until my son was diagnosed. But what I can say from my own personal experience is that my son absolutely loves going to his therapy.

We call it “school” because it’s basically like a daycare for autistic children. It’s only young kids, and they’re given a therapist to work and play with them during there time there. My son is amazingly smart with his ABCs and 123s. He can identify any letter as well as identify and count to 20, then by 10’s to 100. And he’s only 2! But while he’s at “school” they will do puzzles with him (something else he absolutely loves doing) and get him to try new words while playing.

They allow you to observe any time you want, and every time I’ve gone all I could see was my son having a blast, all while learning to communicate.

Today was a much more positive day, and I’m sad that tomorrow it’s supposed to storm here because I was thinking about bringing him to a local lake to swim. Oh well. My husband has the day off so we will see what the day brings us!~

[anonyoungmom-blog]

June 15, 2017

Do you ever just look at yourself and wonder, “Why do I keep trying?” 

I do that a lot.

I was just doing this, and decided to write my feelings down here rather than sitting on the couch, crying, and watching my son play with his toys. 

But he’s the reason. He’s the reason I get out of bed each morning. Is it bad that I’m glad he can’t recognize the feeling of sadness yet? If he did, then he would see a lot of sadness from me. And the last thing I want him to ever think is that he’s the reason I’m sad. Because in truth, he’s the reason I’m alive.

The horrible thoughts of how my husband would manage raising our son if I was gone has crossed my mind multiple times. He works too much though. He would definitely need help.

My husband’s family is basically nonexistent. They’re not the best of people, and we’ve had to cut them out of our lives since it’s just drama and madness all the time. Not something we want around our son.

My family would probably help.. But it’s been over a year and half since my family has actually asked to spend time with my son. You know. Alone. Like the grandparents that everyone else has, they ask for their grandchild to spend the evening at their house. Or maybe even the night. My family doesn’t ask me for that. I think the fact that since my son has Autism and isn’t the easiest child to watch completely justifies it in their mind to not ask to spend that quality time with him. 

Don’t get me wrong, they still see him on a somewhat regular basis. Probably a couple times a month. But only if I’m there, and only for a few hours. Only if I ask.

So how could I possibly leave this world knowing my son wouldn’t be properly taken care of? He would have a broken family.

But who am I kidding. Most days consist of bringing him to therapy for two hours, then coming home to sit inside and watch TV. I blame this laziness on the fact that I’m very pregnant and don’t have the energy to take him outside and play with him. Or even to the park to just watch him. If it were up to me, I would just lay in bed all day until I gave birth.... God. Who am I to think it’s okay to bring another child into my sad world? I can’t even explain the feeling of disappointment in myself for not being that super mom that every child wishes for and that it seems like every other mother is.

I’m really hoping that once I give birth I will feel more comfortable walking around and can actually be there for my children. 

I’m just so tired of thinking. My head hurts so much right now. I think I’ll just go back to laying on the couch watching my son, wishing I could build up the energy to take him somewhere or do something fun with him.

[anonyoungmom-blog]

July 13, 2017

A meaningless day here in our home. We basically say around all day watching TV and my son played his iPad with the educational games he loves so much.

My friend and he 3y/o daughter was supposed to come over today, but since they’re leaving for vacation tomorrow, we decided against it. The weather was awful today anyway.

On the plus side, I was able to clean up some of my son’s future bedroom to prepare for the room switch once the baby is born. I’m moving my 2y/o into a bigger room with a big boy bed! I’m extremely excited to decorate everything for him, but I’m nervous how he’ll react to sleeping in a different area of the house. He’s always been a great sleeper for me, as long as he has his routine.

When it comes to my pregnancy, I’ve been feeling a large amount of kicks and somersaults inside my stomach, and it’s extremely entertaining to watch all these wiggles from the outside.<3

But, I did have a scare today.  Backstory: Before I had my 2y/o I was pregnant a couple of years prior with our first son. At 20 weeks my water randomly broke, and that resulted in us having no choice but to induce labor and lose our son (since his lungs weren’t developed yet).  The scare today is that I randomly had a lot of wetness in my underwear at one point during the day. It scared me immediately because I was afraid my water was breaking. Luckily, it wasn’t. I was just overreacting. But still.. not a fun feeling.

[anonyoungmom-blog]

July 12, 2017

Well today was overall a successful day with my baby boy. I was able to sweep my house, pick up the trash, and take him to the grocery store without any issues! 

Although we did leave the house, I still feel like I’m a terrible mother because I hardly take him places to have fun and interact with other kids. I’ve tried, but he just loves running from me the second I let go of his hand. Chasing after him while I’m 32 weeks pregnant is not ideal, and always gets the stares from any people around us.

Why is she having another baby when she can’t even control the one she has? It’s all I can imagine them saying inside their heads.

I’m excited though, because my basically one friend who has a 3 year old daughter will be coming to our house tomorrow. It’s always nice because I love seeing my son interact with another child, but because he can’t talk very well so it’s tough. 

I know my son is only 2.5 years old, and that he is in ABA therapy to help him progress faster with his diagnosis.. but it’s still so scary to think about his social life in the future. I’m doing the best I can, so hopefully it will be enough in the end.

[anonyoungmom-blog]

Introduction to my blog.

So, after nearly 3 years of being a mother, I’ve decided to start my own Tumblr dedicated to expressing my feelings about motherhood. If you’re a mom, then you know that being a new mom has both its high moments as much as the lows. However, the high moments always outweigh the lows. But sometimes it’s just easier to actually talk about how you’re feeling. Something I have done so little of since I’ve become a mother. 

Unfortunately, when you have a child at the age of 20 your friends become very limited. They’re all away at college creating their own memories with new people, and you’re stuck in your hometown raising a little boy with your boyfriend (now husband). Honestly, I’m not angry that my high school friends are basically nonexistent in my life now. They still check in from time to time, but I’ve learned that my son is my life and that my motherhood experiences are just as valuable (actually, probably even better) as their college experiences. 

Everyone goes at their own speed in life, and I get that. But life is less stressful when you actually have someone to talk to openly.. and congratulations Tumblr- that’s you!

With this blog I intend to do just that. Get my feelings out in the open and off my chest. I don’t expect really anyone to read my posts, but you never know. If I can make one other young mom out their feel like she’s not alone, then that’d be enough. My name, as well as anyone I post about will remain anonymous, so I apologize if a post ever becomes confusing. But I will try my best.

My son is 2.5 years old, born in October, and has been diagnosed with Autism back in January. I love this little boy more than air itself, but sometimes he drives me crazy.  But I mean come on, what little 2 year old doesn’t drive their mom crazy? I am also due in September with my second child, another little boy, something I’m looking forward to and so excited to see how my 2.5 year old reacts to and how they grow up together.

On top of that excitement/craziness, I’m also in my final months of online schooling for Game Design, something I’m very passionate about. But, I’m scared I will be a month and a half short of graduating due to my baby to be born. If I don’t graduate in October as planned, I probably never will. Schoolwork would only get harder as my boys got older. This would be my second time dropping out of school. The first time was for Psychology- but that’s a different and more depressing story. 

My husband and I just celebrated our one year anniversary of marriage, but we have been dating since 2011. He’s my rock, my best friend, and also another pain in my butt, haha. He supports me financially now that I’ve been out of work for the past two months. A choice we made so I could stay home with our son to bring to and from therapy, and save the costs of childcare. I won’t lie, we actually do a lot better financially than most people our age, and rent a beautiful 3 bedroom townhouse. But times are always tough for any young couple, and bills are an added stress onto my shoulders. Especially since I officially can’t help earn money.

But overall, this blog is for me to treat as a diary and hopefully help my mental health. If people read it, that’s great~ If not, at least I will have been able to vent.