anonomaly

[anonomaly]

Hey, I figured it would be a good idea to start a journal and actually continue using it. So this is my first entry I guess. It's currently 2:12 am. I've been awake since 1. I smoked a small one and took a few hydro, not as if that's going to help me with any pain. It never does. I've been dying in pain recently. Since my procedure I've been in wincing pain. Constant horrible pain, it feels as if there are literal knives in my vagina. As if they were still cutting me down there. I've been breaking out in tears for absolutely no reason whatsoever at least 10x a day for the passed two weeks. I have had absolutely so desire to get out of bed leg alone leave the house. I haven't been eating. Maybe once a day if I feel like doing anything. I'm still taking care of my babies though. It's very tough though with the way I'm feeling. I have no will power to even shower. My depression has never been this severe before. I don't exactly know what this is called, because I'm pretty sure it isn't post partum depression, but very similar. Getting pregnant after being told you will never get pregnant. (NEVER using a condom with Craig) Then years later, magically become pregnant. Naturally I would be really fucking happy, so excited. Craig and I finally get to have the family I know he has always dreamed of. I started crying when my doctor told me, (tears of joy) but then reality set it. This baby that's I never dreamed of in a million years... was killing me. I had been bleeding heavily for 5 weeks and it had been draining me of everything I had in me. That's when it hit my. The world suddenly shattered into a million pieces. I didn't even know how to tell Craig, who was waiting in the waiting area just outside my room. I couldn't even bring myself to actually saying the words alous, as the stung like a thousand bees. It still hurts just thinking about it. And the worst part, I find myself spacing out, forgetting the current world completely, and I think about it. I think about it to the point that I break out in streams of tears. It makes me feel so terrible thinking about what could be going on in Craig's mind lately. It's scaring me. I feel as if he resents me now because I crushed his dreams to have a child of his own. Im just feeling very insecure around him. Like I'm ugly, gross, lazy, chubby, depressed, bipolar, unhealthy, needy, useless, a klutz, psychotic, manic, the list goes on....

I just know my medications need to be revised and raised or changed asap

[anonomaly]

My GoFundMe

I don't think anybody has even viewed my GoFundMe page yet. Come on guys, please help out. All you really need to do is share share share, that's all I am asking. I am in dire need of help at the moment. Trust me, I am not looking for just handouts I genuinely have a problem and I am currently still working on the solution. So until I can get this solved all I am asking is that you share and possibly donate. I could use all the help I can get, every penny counts....

Ask questions if you would like to know more, or help connect me with the right people..

https://www.gofundme.com/medicalliving-expenses-temporary

[anonomaly]

I have hope

Is there anyone out there who can help me?

I am 22 years old and have never had parents, no support. I was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor that split my brain 90% of the way down the middle, as it spread down my spine and grew on my tailbone. I have gotten brain surgery, chemotherapy and both proton and photon radiation. My treatment has caused a lot of damage to my body. Both physically, and mentally. I am in a constant state of depression as well as a constant state of pain.

Why am I am in desperate need of help? Well, I have a lot of physical and mental limitations from my treatments. I cannot work, but I have been tryin to get SSI or SSDI for over four years now. Denial after denial, I hate this state... I cannot get SSDI, but Division of Vocational Rehabilitation won’t even help me because my doctors will not send them approval for me to work.

Another really messed up thing is that I was once receiving General Assistance from Social Services, but the second they found out I was pursuing my education and taking on college class per semester, they dropped me. They told me if I take one college credit or more, they cannot help me. I think that is awful and in makes absolutely no sense that they would stop helping me because I am trying to make something of my life. Sadly I will not be going back to school now. It is only $200 a month, but every penny helps. I don’t even know if I will even be approved for the GA this time though. I really hate living in New Jersey, where the government cares about absolutely nobody....

You can see my dilemma here. Also, I cannot drive, and traveling alone gives me severe anxiety. I am currently living in my friends house rent free because I have no family or anyone who will help me. I need help with getting assistance and an income of some sort. 

I will be starting a gofundme to hold me down temporarily until I can get help. If everyone could please share and possibly donate, I would appreciate it so much! Also, please don’t be rude about any of this, I’m in extremely hard times right now...

Please message me if at any point you would like to know more, and help!

[anonomaly]

4/28/18

So right now it's 1, and I haven't been in a great deal of pain today. It's been a pretty good day so far. I woke up at about 9:30 a.m. and got ready for the day, then did some of my math homework. I think I'm going to take a nap, my chest is actually starting to hurt a little. I have nothing else to do so napping seems like the best plan.

[anonomaly]

4/24

Hey guys, so today was another pretty anxious day for me. I finally reached out to my doctor, well not my doctor specifically but my Oncology Clinic. I spoke to my nurse practitioner about the issues I've been having lately and my doctor is concerned and I have to see her on Tuesday. Great, what else is new? I have been in severe pain because of my back for the past few days and I'm having the same symptoms that I had when I first discovered my tumor. I know it could be absolutely nothing and I am probably just freaking myself out, but my anxiety is through the roof....

[anonomaly]

4/17

Today has been another awful day for me. I have to write a 6-page paper on something that I literally know nothing about, I'm not even sure how to Elle on this paper. I also have a math test in the morning and I am not completely sure I know what I'm doing with that either. Actually no, I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to my algebra. I feel like I am going to implode. I don't even know what to do with my life, I am so stressed out. I feel so stupid, like why am I even alive right now. I can't do anything right and I am useless. I just wish I could get a job, but I am clearly too stupid to get one. It sucks being disabled and stupid. I guess I'm going to be a big waste of space for the rest of my life. Unless anybody wants to help me with my problem, which I doubt anybody will. I just need a good Advocate, because I don't even know what to do to help myself. It makes me more and more miserable everyday, I just want to cry 24/7. I just wish somebody could help....

[anonomaly]

My life now.

Currently I'm living a pretty shitt life. I mean it's great I have a roof over my head I have food I have water I have all my necessities. I have my boyfriend who I've been with for 3 years and he still treats me like his Queen and he is my best friend and he is everything I need. But there are a lot of downsides to my life as well. I am extremely depressed 80% of the time. I can never see the good in myself I just put myself down all day almost everyday. There is always something I can point out that's terrible about me. I really think I hate myself and I don't understand why. Ever since my brain surgery I have been clumsy and my memory is awful I do everything wrong. And actually, it's not just because of my brain tumor and surgery but it's also because I just don't care about myself. I wish I could a little more. It's not that I just don't care at all, I really want to help myself and become healthier and last week and not in pain 24/7 but I have absolutely no motivation. I am so depressed I don't even want to help myself, I don't eat I feel like shit all the time I barely drink I'm almost always dehydrated. I am always in pain because I always miss my doctor's appointment because of my memory. I lose shit all day, everyday because of my memory. People comment on how irresponsible I am and how I'd never pay attention and how I'm basically useless. It hurts me so much and I don't think people really understand how bad they are hurting me. My boyfriend is one of the worst offenders he is always making me feel s*** about my memory or because I have slight selective hearing so like I zone out sometimes and I can't focus and I don't remember what people say to me sometimes like right after they say it. I don't exactly know how to fix it, I've been using a brain drain and have every day and I've been getting some pretty decent scores and I've definitely been progressing but I don't think that's enough, I feel like a failure and a disappointment everyday of my life and I even question why I'm alive I don't understand why I'm here. Almost everyday when my boyfriend comes home and we talk I feel like he hates me. He is always extremely angry with me and she never wants me. When we first started dating everything was perfect I knew how much you loved me and I knew how much I loved him and I know we still both love each other a lot it's just really hard. It seems like almost every day we are arguing about something extremely stupid and it hurts me so much because this is why I've been on my last boyfriend like my ex boyfriend and we were together for 3 years and it just went to shit and I left him but I don't think I could ever leave my current boyfriend. I love him more than life. But she works a lot and all I do is sit home and lay in bed and watch TV and color. I really wish I had online friends again I just disconnected from everybody because of my depression I honestly wish that somebody would talk to me and be here for me. Even if it's a little bit, at least you tried. I just want friends who care about me. So please if you are reading this, please message me and try to connect. It would help me so much and who knows maybe it will help you too, I am a great friend I promise....

[anonomaly]

My posts

I was actually just thinking about how I never post on here. My memory is such a cluster fuck that I never remember to hop on. But hopefully that's going to change soon. I know I say it a lot but I think of this time I'm actually going to stick with it. I needed to get my feelings out there somehow even if no one knows who I am. But I'm pretty sure some people probably already know who this is. I just really don't want to make friends and to not feel lonely anymore. I need to mute people even if they are just online friends. I need friends and not many people like me because I am just too nice and people take advantage of me and then drop me from their lives once they get what they want. I just want someone to be here for me and help me when I need to talk to someone. I am so lonely and I'm a really great person so I don't exactly understand why no one talks to me. It could be the fact that after my cancer I became antisocial and very socially awkward. You could almost Place me on an Autism Spectrum with my social awkwardness I barely know how to speak to people. I'm great with talking to people online and meeting people who are nice and inviting but that's about it. If anyone would like to reach out to me even just to give some moral support that would be amazing. You guys are amazing thank you so much for reading.

[anonomaly]

G4/14/18

This morning has been a pretty good morning so far. It's 10 a.m., I woke up at 7 and I'm not in that much pain today so I'm hoping it will be a good one. I know I have some homework to do and I have to clean. My stomach is actually hurting a bit, but I will live. I took a Xanax because my anxiety has been a bit much for some reason. I may actually take a nap and then do some cleaning and start one of my homework assignments. I have three assignments all together but I finished half of one yesterday so hopefully it shouldn't take me that long to complete. Seriously if anyone wants to talk please message me. I am so lonely and obviously you know this if you are following or just reading this. Thank you so much for being part of my life, and being interested.

[anonomaly]

Day 1 of my open honesty.

Trying to be honest and expose all my feelings, starting today. Already off to a terrible start. I told my boyfriend how shitty I feel everyday and how sometimes he says really hurtful shit. Now he's contemplating breaking up with me.

As if my life weren't enough of a shit show.

I feel like a failure with everything I do. I literally feel like everything I do is wrong. If I try to do something, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much effort I put into it, I screw it up.

And here I am, yet again, fucking shit up. My therapist keeps on telling me to focus on the good components of my life, but I feel as if I'm way too blindsided by my failures to be happy. It like I am in an eternal bout of severe depression I can never overcome. I want to die all over again. I wish I let my cancer kill me honestly. I just really need support and I have none...

[anonomaly]

Update

Hey guys, so I'm sure you guys can tell I am not really good at uploading new content. It's because I'm always busy. It's not like I have a really hectic lifestyle and it's just crazy, it's just that I am very stressed out and I honestly feel like I have no time to even breathe. When in reality I have a lot of time on my hands. I'm just very very very stressed out. Currently I'm stressing about school and how I'm going to do this year oh, and another thing I'm stressing out about is these fibroids. My fibroids have gotten so severe that I can hardly function. I have just gotten a prescription for ibuprofen from my doctor hopefully that will help with the fibroids. I'm really scared because I feel like they're growing and I may have to get a myomectomy or a hysterectomy and I don't really want to do that at age 22. Ever since my fibroid started growing I haven't been having the recurring nightmares anymore. I actually have been waking up a lot more during the night so I haven't really been having such vivid dreams. Some nights though, I actually do have nightmares but I usually wake up in the middle of them so they're not bad. If anyone could give me some advice on the fibroids that would be awesome. Also if anybody could help me with maybe the nightmares that would also be helpful, please let me know, thanks in advance!

[anonomaly]

I'm done.

So, today was my breaking point. I woke up at 5 p.m. It was horrible. I have been sleeping all day for the past few weeks, it's really terrible for me. And it would not be as bad if I were maybe staying home up all night but I'm not. I sleep all night as well. I do not eat I barely drank I barely do anything with my life. And every day and every night I have excruciating nightmares. I die every night. I don't know what to do anymore. And I know my behavior is starting to get way worse. My anxiety is out of hand and I don't think my boyfriend can take me anymore. I'm getting scared that I may lose him, I can't let that happen I try everything in my power to not let this get the best of me. It's truly crippling and I'm not sure how much longer I can handle this.

[anonomaly]

I don't understand.

I don't understand how I can get through the day, each and every day. I have no clue why but I am so miserable. I am just so depressed. I know my boyfriend tries really hard just to make me happy and I feel like s*** because he thinks it's him. It's not him at all, well maybe a little. I don't know what to do anymore. It's getting out of control, I try and try but I can't control it no matter what I do. I just wish I could talk to to him and get him to understand, but the issue is he never wants to hear me, or he gets angry when I bring up the topic. I just wish he would listen to me, he's always on his phone and it hurts so much. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I can't help it, I can't help but feeling like he doesn't want me anymore or that he's just with me just because he feels bad. I know he loves me but I know he also hates a lot of things about me. I just wish you would be honest and tell me what exactly it is because every time I ask him he just gets very angry at me and he basically yells at me and tells me to stop saying that and tells me that he broke up with his last girlfriend because she was like this. So it scares the hell out of me, it's not something I can help. I just don't want him to leave me because of my insecurities. I don't want him to leave me because of how I feel I just feel so lonely and depressed and I feel terrible that he feels like it's his fault I don't know anymore I honestly don't know. I'm really confused as to what I should do I'm thinking I should start trying harder to get his affection and everything. But I don't even know if that's enough.

[anonomaly]

What this little blog is about.

This blog is basically just a Blog about how my life is going and what's currently going on. I have named it on anonomaly because I want to remain anonymous. Please leave questions or comments each visit! (: