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[amazing-aria27]

[amazing-aria27]

my life will end eventually,

and so will yours.

but when i’m a mother,

and my daughter asks me about my teenage years,

i want to be able to tell her about the beautiful,

smart,

strong,

amazing,

boy that i was able to call mine.

[amazing-aria27]

she saw her old prom dress,

and she ran her fingers across the silky pink fabric.

she brought it to her nose,

and inhaled the scent of her old perfume.

and then suddenly,

it was as though she was 17 again.

crying on the floor of the bathroom,

mascara forming black rivers down her cheeks.

asking god why,

why she couldn’t find one good person.

and suddenly,

she was gasping for air again.

trying to stop her body from shaking,

trying to stop the never ending tears.

and suddenly,

she was covering the bruises in concealer again.

she was holding ice to her swollen eyelids,

and patting powder over her splotchy face.

and then suddenly,

the world was going black again.

[amazing-aria27]

I watch her,

And I know why she’s perfect.

I see all of my flaws in her perfections,

I see myself do the opposite of all of her actions.

I see her thin waist,

Her ocean blue eyes.

I see her honey brown hair,

Cascading down her back like water down a brook.

I see her long legs,

Thin but toned thighs.

I see her manicured nails,

Her long and slender fingers.

I smell her blossoming floral scent,

I hear her angelic, soothing voice.

She looks like a doll,

Porcelain skin and long, black lashes.

Seeing these things in her,

I force myself to pick out everything wrong with me.

I see my pale, freckled skin,

I see my arms dotted with self-inflicted bruises.

I see my boring dark brown hair,

I see the curves of my stomach.

I see my calloused hands,

I hear my voice hoarse from crying.

I hate all of these things in myself,

And I know you must have as well.

I know why you chose her,

She has everything you longed for in me.

[amazing-aria27]

[amazing-aria27]

the sun shoots you rays of warm smiles,

and the moon watches over you while you sleep.

the wind waves to you,

and the grass looks up to you.

the ocean invites you with it’s waves,

and the trees ask you to come sit under them.

the mud wishes to be on your boots,

and the flowers want to be picked.

the earth loves you,

it’s just trying to help you get through.

[amazing-aria27]

***TW SU!CIDE***

when i was in second grade my grandpa had cancer. my mom was almost always gone so that she could stay with him. i remember trying to learn how to do my own hair because my dad didn’t know how. i always wore strange outfits because my mom wasn’t there to help me pick them out.

then my grandpa d*ed.

a few weeks later my parents told me they were getting divorced.

i never felt happy.

i googled how young the youngest person to k*ll themselves was. i wanted to know if i was old enough yet. i was 8 years old then, but i told myself i could d*e when i was at least 10.

now, years later, i remember that age. i think of everything that has happened since then.

what if i had d*ed then? what all would i have missed?

i wouldn’t of met my best friends. i would not get to see all of the mountains and oceans and lakes and forests. i would not have crushes and boyfriends. i would never do cheer, never do theater. i would never dye a streak of my hair pink. i would never go on runs and experience runner’s high for the first time. i would never go camping. i would never start writing poetry. i wouldn’t get to watch my younger cousins grow up right before my eyes.

so what if i had k*lled myself when i wanted to? my parents would still be grieving for me. my sister would grow up alone. my best friend would have no idea that i even exist.

so i didn’t k*ll myself then. and now, whenever i want to, i remind myself of what all i could miss. there are endless possibilities out there. i still have a whole life to live.

and you do too.

[amazing-aria27]

🌕

A poem I wrote after fainting at work and seeing the reactions of those around me. Someone had made an insensitive joke and inspired me to write this. I put a lot of heartache into this so I hope others who ache too can enjoy. I personally think it's some of my best.

-Michael

[amazing-aria27]

attack

my body got hot,

and i started to sweat.

i sat down,

and my fingers started tapping.

i sat on my hands,

but that just made me more hot.

i set my hands out in front of me,

and they left sweaty marks on the table.

my stomach started to cramp,

it was as though a giant fist were squeezing me tight.

my hair fell in my face,

and i struggled to get my shaking hands to push it away.

i could no longer breathe,

the air was too thick.

count,

i told myself.

1

2

3…

the shapes blurred in front of me.

breathe in,

i told myself.

breathe out,

i tried.

“you are dying,”

i thought instead.

“this is it,”

the voice wouldn’t shut up.

i felt like a fireball,

sitting right there in the classroom.

i counted again,

1 2 3.

then my breathing evened out,

my hair remained tucked behind my ears.

my fingers could bend again,

and my sweat started to disappear.

the tears behind my eyes started to appear,

i was embarrassed of myself.

i wouldn’t die,

i thought.

how stupid was i,

to even think that.

[amazing-aria27]

the water runs down my face.

the tears mix with the shower,

washing away all my insecurities.

drip

drip

drip.

my clothes start to stick to my skin,

my mascara streams down my cheeks.

drip

drip

drip

i start to liquify,

and i glance at the empty pill bottle beside me.

drip

drip

drip.

my brain starts to swim,

and i start to swim in the pool of my tears.

drip

drip

drip.

the door bursts open,

the world goes black.

[amazing-aria27]

a half-remembered dream

Maybe you are nothing more,

than a half-remembered dream.

Nothing more than a half-cracked door,

Or perhaps a silent scream.

I wake up,

Go about my day.

Until I think of the past we tried to cover up,

And the memories that have now turned gray.

I try to remember the joy,

I try to remember the jokes.

I can’t so perhaps it was decoy,

Nothing more than a hoax.

[amazing-aria27]

painted nails and pained smiles

curled hair and curled lips

bejeweled adolescence adorned in blood diamonds

a slap, a stroke

a whorish rumor

glitter eyeshadow and glittering switchblades

red lips and red blood

slit skirts and slit wrists

glimmering sweet 16

spiked punch and bruising punches

beautiful and charismatic girls

violent and delightful

rich and terrible

soulless and charming

gorgeous and eternal

[amazing-aria27]

the leftovers (a poem i wrote)

I cried last night because I hated how I acted,

And I hated how my mother responded.

I cried because my father was not there to comfort me,

I cried because I couldn’t make myself get up to apologize.

I cried because I knew I could not tell my father about this,

Because I couldn’t risk him hating her anymore.

And then I cried because I compared myself to the other people my age,

With their still-together families.

I cried because I imagined that we were all in a factory,

And before me I watched all the perfect families get pieced together.

But when it was my turn,

I was stuck with the leftovers.

I did not have the mother and father that would always love each other,

And I did not have the sister that understood me.

I watched all the other families laughing,

And exchanging warm hugs. 

I looked back at my own,

Who fit together likes pieces from 4 separate puzzles.

I watched my family yell at each other,

And I listened to my own snide remarks.

And once more I cried,

Because I was stuck with the leftovers

[amazing-aria27]

love is a betrayal

Heat filled my face,

My traitorous heart, what a disgrace!

Why must it betray me,

Even if it brings me glee.

Why must it expose me,

It makes my questions sound like a plea.

Although my love is true,

My heart shall not embarrass me in front of you.

[amazing-aria27]

play pretend

Let’s play pretend,

Shall we?

Let’s pretend you never left,

We never stopped talking.

Let’s pretend you aren’t gone,

With your new group of friends.

Let’s pretend that I don’t sit alone at lunch everyday,

I don’t avoid your desperate glances. 

Let’s pretend you never hung up that day,

Maybe we’re still on the phone.

Let’s pretend you didn’t yell through the speaker,

You didn’t curse or freeze me out. 

Let’s pretend we’re still best friends,

We still hang out every Saturday morning.

Let’s pretend everything is okay,

Our friendship still shines in it’s glory.

[amazing-aria27]

the oceans love must drain

*PART 2 OF 2*

But, for some reason, 

I fall out of the whirl pool. 

I float up to the surface,

And the sea begins to drain out of my ears.

The intimate thoughts drip,

Flow back into the one and only ocean.

“Come back!”

I tell them as they carry me down a stream.

“You said I could trust them!”

I curse at the brine.

But it offers no support,

It is silent but for my shaking sobs.

And the water pouring down my cheeks,

Is it my tears?

Or is it the remains of the salt water,

That once clouded my eyes with love?

The water carrying me turns into a stream,

And I bobble over rocks.

The rocks hurt me even more,

Yelling at me.

“You are too fickle!

You can’t just bounce around like this!”

I choke on my sobs.

The words get caught in my throat.

“I know,

I didn’t mean to.

It was the ocean,

The ocean tricked me through this.”

But no one will hear me,

No one will listen.

The stream ends and I am alone,

In a puddle of what used to be. 

[amazing-aria27]

the oceans love

*PART 1 OF 2*

The ocean’s love swallows me once again,

But this time, will I be able to get out?

In come the wistful waves,

Pulling me in slowly but surely.

I am bound to the sand,

I cannot escape.

I must wait,

In the calm before the sparkling storm.

Now the sea fills my ears,

And pours into my head.

It takes control of my thoughts,

It whispers to me.

“Look at them,”

It breathes.

“Notice how you feel,

You can trust them, I promise.”

It sweeps me up,

My legs kicking and all.

No sense in fighting anymore,

I am stuck in the current.

Dizzy, I become giddy,

I’m spinning around. 

The water still talks to me,

“I was right, can’t you see?”

“Yes, you were right,”

I murmur as the salt fills my eyes.

It makes it so I can no longer see,

I only follow the sympathy of the sea.

I spin into a whirlpool,

Down, down, I go.

Never did I imagine I could go further,

In this tornado of trust and love.