allmylovesignedme

[allmylovesignedme]

📜🖋

Day 338

I don't understand why I keep letting you hurt me. I told you that your lie two months ago did a number on me. You remember two months ago, when all I wanted was open communication and you said sure... only for you to then lie about having a girl around while you shopped for intimate items. Lied about the fact that it was the same girl you'd be leaving your stuff with. Even now it seems kind of sketch.

I told you that communication was key and you threw it in my face just before you left for two months. It felt like you left me there to bleed out if I'm honest. But if I'm really honest I thought about exploring my options. In those TWO months of nc I died and rose again a completely different person. I don't need you. In fact I don't need anyone.

Well now here we are completely out of fucks for me to give. There you are with still the worst fucking thought process a person can have. I literally love you so much I could kill you. Not that I would, of course, too much work.

I just want to snap though. If I am brutally honest I want to dust off my hands and walk a way. I don't understand how we can say space is good but when I say you have to plan to see me on my time not the other way around for once suddenly I'm nothing? Suddenly its more important to be with the boys?

We had maybe two hours together 3 days ago which isn't even a 1/4 of the time we normally spend together on your days off. But right after you said your brother wanted to hang out so I said cool I had plenty of things to do any way I came home 5 hours later and told you so. You didn't call like you usually would so I assumed you were busy and that turned into hours of waiting and that turned into time for bed. I stayed up until 1am waiting. I thought you would have called any second because you knew I had to go to bed early to get up at least by 5am . But time came and went and I had to prompt you to say goodnight.

That's when you called telling me you were hanging with your brother still and you'd call to hang out LATER ... WHEN later???? When I was sleeping? When I was awake less than 4 hours later to get ready for my day trip with my friends?

How can someone be so smart and so incredibly inconsiderate? How can you suck fucking balls and still give my heart butterflies? I just want a good healthy relationship and you make it so difficult. I literally just can't any more. I have nothing else to give and I'm afraid something so small and insignificant is going to break the camel's back and I am going to say I'm done with this relationship that feels so one sided right now .

[allmylovesignedme]

📜🖋

Day 219

I feel like I am screaming into the void. Crying, kicking, tearing my lungs as I scream into the void. You aren't hearing me. You aren't understanding. I am tired. So tired. Trying to get you to hear me as I drown in the deepest darkest lake is like trying to name every species on this earth by memory. How do I convince you to hear me. Really hear me. How am I okay with you continually disrespecting me but not okay with others doing it? How have I found myself only to lose myself within the span of 7 months? How are you okay with it?

[allmylovesignedme]

📜🖋

Day 165

It's so hard to talk to each other now. We literally worry about hurting each other too much and its getting in the way of open communication. I'm scared. So scared. I love you and yet I'm always so sad whether its just because the 4th anniversary has arrived or because I remember what you did. I literally struggle so hard to forgive you for what you did. And believe me I'm trying my hardest.

Ever since then I've kept you at arms length but you saw that and distanced me even further. I recommended the sticky note method to help revive communication lines and develop a system that helps us Express hurt that the other has inflicted and yet you brushed it off like we didn't need to work on it.

Brushed me off. It feels like going in circles and I'm tired so much so I told you. I blatantly told you I am not physically tired I am emotionally and mentally. You said nothing and once more we moved on without discussing anything. It hurts to be brushed off. I'm so. So. Sorry, I do it but I'm tired.

Please just let us talk about it all this weekend.

All my love,

Me ❣

[allmylovesignedme]

📜🖋

Day 88

I'm not mad. Truly. I'm not. I... I just don't want you to poke and ask what's wrong because I don't know how to tell you I feel like I am nothing you want in your life. I love you and I want the absolute world for you. It just seems like you don't want me or don't really care about me. I feel unlovable, unwanted and most of all ugly.

You see a week ago I did something I wish I hadn't... I peeked at who you followed. I was curious about how someone could follow over 500 accounts. Surprised I was when I saw more than a handful of accounts that were just girls showing off their bodies with links to their only fans.

Now I'm not a prude but fuck did it hurt seeing that they looked the complete opposite of me. They had these curves I could only dream of. I also don't care about you watching porn. Hell, we've had the discussion about it multiple times.

This though, this is different you've been liking half naked pictures of girls barely 18 since the beginning of our relationship. How am I not supposed to feel worthless and unwanted. Ugly and heavy.

All my love,

Me❣

[allmylovesignedme]

📜🖋

Day 59

You told me you loved me for the first time today. You said it first and I knew you would. I teared up because I couldn't say it back. I have such a problem with those three words. But with you I feel like the world has finally come alive and I know I love you but how do I tell you that without being clingy. I wish I just said it back like anyone else.

All my love,

Me❣

[allmylovesignedme]

📜🖋

Day 50

If you love something set it free

Maybe this is it. Maybe what they always say is finally something I have to do. Maybe we are just too young and dumb and useless to each other right now maybe in the future we'll be better? Either way we should probably figure it out now rather than later if I'm honest.

Honestly I'll admit I'm kinda ticked off. Here's the thing. I mean what I say most of the time especially when it comes to moving and long distance. You don't seem to get that I will not follow you across the world if it means I leave my family behind at the end of the day. Especially not when your plans involve doing your military thing and then following your parents to Texas. If you want to then go for it sure I don't care. Just don't ask me to give up my family for yours. Which you are doing. I'll admit when you first told me I was a bit shocked but told you my feelings on Texas, how I just don't see myself living there which is true. But you've brought it up twice more since then and honestly if I hear us and Texas in the same sentence I will end all of this. This relationship this journey with you. Everything. You don't seem to understand how deeply it hurts me for you to keep making the decision for us that you and your family unit is more important than me and mine. If we moved somewhere neutral like I don't know Canada and your parents were Texas and mine in California I'd be fine with this yet you want me to leave California for you and a family I don't know and at this point care to. Because you've made it so clear it'll always be your family over mine. I really fucking like you and this honestly might be a deal breaker. I'm sorry.

[allmylovesignedme]

📜🖋💖

Day 37

I'm not sure how to say this but you said something that irritated me today. I'm not sure why but I am just mad that you don't see the issue. We've been dating 37 days and I have only every really thought about breaking up with you when you told me you preferred Del Taco to Tacobell. You knew it would hurt me yet you did just that. In anycase I grew past it but I explained why it hurt me. I also know I hurt you by telling you that it was rude you didn't introduce me to your parents ever even though we've known each other for 13 years. I was mad and I hurt you in return. I get that was fucked up and I owned up to it. You on the other hand, you just said I've upset you 4 times, which I'll admit is pretty specific. So I asked if those four times were in our relationship or if in the 13 years. You blew me over said yeah. I just want us to grow and grow together. Me asking you isn't to hurt you yet somehow that's exactly what you did to me. Telling me to forget about it is telling me that it isn't worth addressing when we've hurt eachother's feelings and that it isn't worth addressing all our problems so we can tackle them together instead of attacking each other. God I feel like such a fucking idiot for caring so much. For telling you how much I like you and believing when you said you felt the same. Maybe I'm just a fucking idiot. If you want to be childish in addressing us I don't mind pretend I'm not hurt by you and crying later. Also now you want to talk about it an hour later and honestly I just feel drained, I don't want to talk, I wanna go to bed and forget this conversation.

[allmylovesignedme]

the 1 / t.s.

[allmylovesignedme]

💌

18 October 20

Dear you,

I am dating someone else now and he and I mesh so well together it almost overshadows us. If I'm honest I can see a future with him but there is a niggle in the back of my mind that refuses to let you go.

I hope you leave me alone. Let me move on and I hope I can stop wondering what if. Stop hoping you were the one. I love you but it's finally time to let go and move on.

All my love,

Me❣

[allmylovesignedme]

[allmylovesignedme]

💌

8 October 20

Dear you

It's been a couple days and I'm still reeling. I sent you a text on your birthday and the red little heart you sent back had my actual heart skip a beat. I could have flown to the moon with how happy that small little heart made me feel.

Of course reality set in and I had no clue what you meant because why would you send a heart when we haven't spoken in months. I thought the heart was a mistake but in that moment I truly didn't care.

A day later I waited patiently for my text even got up earlier than usual because I didn't want to miss it. It never came and I'll admit the high that I was feeling the day before crashed into millions of pieces. I honestly don't know why I thought you'd text me but I held hope only to be crushed.

Now I sit here and wonder what you meant, if you were drunk, if you ever cared? Because if you did, how could you miss my birthday when I went out of my way to wish you a happy one the day before. I hope you never talk to me again. You make me feel like I am not enough that I'm worthless. But I am enough and you're the actual asshole.

There is still a glimmer of hope like a candle flickers before it goes out. It tried to stay bright to stay on but it just can't. That is what I'm feeling. I wish I could message you and tell you that. Have you give it to me straight whether or not you can/want to be with me. The other side of me is just tired and nags at me to just let you go. Tells me that our time came and went. But the flicker of hope keeps me here. And there is nothing more dangerous than a flicker of hope.

All my love,

Me❣

[allmylovesignedme]

[allmylovesignedme]

💌

3 October 20

Dear you

My mind has immediately raced back to you time and time again the last few days. Tomorrow is your birthday then the next is mine and honestly I am miserable without you. I used to love how close our birthdays were. Treasured that we could celebrate us, and each other back to back. That we could call this month our month.

I just want to tell you I miss you. Tell you that maybe in a different world we'd be celebrating our birthdays together again this year. I hope you still care enough to have a even just a glimmer, a fleeting, an insignificant thought of me these past few days. It would suck incredibly bad if I have been the only one of us to have given the other a second thought these last couple days.

All my love,

Me ❣

[allmylovesignedme]

Happier // Ed sheeran

[allmylovesignedme]

💌

24 September 20

Dear you,

It's your favorite time of year. Fall / Halloween. I went to your social medias to see what fall themed memes you had posted and I was honestly shocked to see you deleted me. You actually deleted me. That shit hurt like hell.

I was actually surprised because it was only one platform but it made me question whether or not I should just delete you entirely. On the one hand it probably would help me get over you and us but on the other I just love seeing your random pieces of thoughts.

I drank a bit of wine after seeing that. I haven't drank alcohol in months and I could do anything but crack open the bottle and drown in it. It made me question myself. Killed me to think how much I am still in love you because you are pushing me entirely out of your life. The wine helped me sob for a bit. I would have kep drinking if it wasn't for the empty bottle and lack of other alcohol in the house.

I keep wanting to write everything on here, tell you it all but this will never reach you and that shit sucks.

I hope you are happier than I am. I also hope you love yourself the amount I love you because God damn do you deserve that.

All my love,

Me❣

P.s. I hope you know everything in my life comes back to you.

[allmylovesignedme]

[allmylovesignedme]

💌

2 September 20

Dear you,

I've been thinking about you a lot recently. I guess you've been on my mind more than usual simply because I crave attention and tenderness from someone outside my circle. I've been thinking about how we used to talk for hours, I'd have to charge my phone multiple times a day because our conversations would single handedly drain the battery. I miss that attentive conversation between us.

I saw your story about you being busy and wanted to let everyone know it wasn't intentional to block everyone out these past months. It made me hope, if I'm honest, it made me pray that was a sign for me. I wish everything was simple. It's not possible either and that is what upsets me the most.

I just want to be close again. Even if it is just talking and friendship. I miss having you around having a home that was so constant I could breathe without scare of everything fading away. I miss us listening to each others thoughts and heartbeats. The closeness I felt with you was so exclusively beautiful. And if I am real honest I miss the way you face scrunched up in a perfect smile as you chuckled at all the lame jokes I had. I just miss you.

All my love,

Me ❣