alkeadora

[alkeadora]

I'll wait for you, even when it has to be done in another life.

— some guy with bright red flags, too bright that blinds my eyes.

[alkeadora]

obtuse october

draft

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should have gotten my nails done before taking pictures. however, yay!

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stunning september

at the library in the first fall,

[alkeadora]

a life update, i guess

oh, my, freaking, god.

hello??? is anyone actually here???

I can't believe that I really (finally) got the chance to be here again after shamelessly making a few drafted posts.

to think that getting my lazy ass back here is something worth celebrating. so I'm celebrating now by making this update post.

may, june, july, august were crazy. but hey, I managed to stay alive until september. and I'm graduating next month which is also fascinating, considering that this journey was initially done half-heartedly. LMAO.

and now, I have the responsibility of reliving this place, dusting away drafted posts with new more varied (hopefully) poems. I have a few themes for the poems, not necessarily events in my boring sad life. thinking about making it more fantasy, we'll see about that.

at last, it feels great to be back again.

cheers!

[alkeadora]

appreciative august

uncovering the red curtain, revealing my own new version, finally got to see me accomplishing, greeted by beloved people smiling,

colorful flowers are on my path, birds chirp, showing no wrath, the warm wind breezes in my hair, taking agony away with the air,

crossing the broken bridge, barely made me flinch, tightrope walking with eyes closed, did not even get me rolled,

I made myself stand on my feet, up high here in the summit, cuts and bruises keep me alive, blood shines like new year's light,

the sun sneers as if it's celebrating, to the milestone that I stepped in, the clouds hide, taking away sadness, passing nothing but warmness,

looking down at my past struggles, and all those who gave hurdles, could do nothing but be grateful, they helped despite being painful.

[alkeadora]

I did it. 🥹

[alkeadora]

i'm going to make this post related to heritage buildings in malacca!

[alkeadora]

jocular july

fireworks were witnessing, the vow 17-year-old us making, in my father's garden you were whispering, the journey we'd be living in,

we gave summer blissfully, first tattoos were Jessie and Woody, you painted my dark sky beautifully, for once I didn't at all feel lonely,

I read the pages of letters you sent, messy handwritten on sheets swept, I could recall how each day was spent, at the park with secrets we shared,

you picked the brightest flower, placing some all over my shoulder, saying it would make me stronger, if we had to part away sooner,

sooner is later that now you're in front of me, chestnut hair and dark orbs with beauty, I glance to see the tattoo became hazy, but that pretty beam remains sunny,

seven summers feel like nothing, the talking, laughing, hugging, they're there as if never leaving, that I could keep until spring,

I drown myself dreaming, that I hardly notice one thing, you have your own ring.

[alkeadora]

juberous june

standing there by the dock, wishing nothing but time stops, summer is coming now it's clocked, memories recalled where I got caught,

in the corner was an exquisite man, eyes away outside in the garden, full of blooming flowers and plants, and a snapped recollection out of sudden,

he talked about love and together, I only heard about the weather, he explained the life we'll have forever, I cracked that it will never ever...

the next second it was over, guests wishing him pleasure, reassuring him to feel better, not with me but with her,

now I'm standing by the dock, watching his yacht sail in the dark.

[alkeadora]

living the unliving life

telling white lies to my friends, to save them from the tears, being untrue to my parents, to shield them from despairs,

staring at the dead in the mirror, laughing, yet the reflection's still, feeling the end at my fingertips, losing senses through my shrill,

where did you learn your magic? what spell did you employ to turn a lively-spirited soul, into one devoid of joy?

grasping to reality with force, helping myself as best I could, so they can hug me once more, so my cats still see me... in the mortal woods.

[alkeadora]

extraneous feeling

asking myself, who have I been? wondering now, where have I been?

putting myself before you, that's what you always do, in just a matter of hours, one push and you'll lose,

then pages turned, and all eyes on you, afraid of the truth, you choose to skew, you see me in your past so clear, but I see you in my future near.

asking myself again, after all this time, who are you?

[alkeadora]

moony may

I just met you yesterday, with that smile being away, but it's enough to feel okay, because I know you'll stay,

sometimes we're no odd, like two peas in a pod, cut from the same cloth, cast in the same mold,

we share the similar laughter, as alike as two drops of water, our heart has never been better, we're at best when together,

but our roots beg to differ, just like fire and water, yours shines clearer, brighter, mine stays bitter, darker,

we have our own goal, lays in a different whole, stones are in the path we stroll, like a square peg in a round hole,

question is all in me, asking how it will be, to keep you within, while quelling everything,

[alkeadora]

may rant.

okay so this is actually not an appropriate way to make a Tumblr post, but I'm still going to do it anyway.

in Indonesia, we have a proverb that goes along the line of "regret comes too late" and guess who's experiencing it now? HAHA, yes, it's me, baby.

I (actually) kinda anticipated it, knowing this day would come, but hell? I was still unbothered to do something to prevent it? and hell, I just let it slip away just like that?

which is also why I haven't been active lately in posting poems. look at this post that's being drafted and I have to edit it later HAHA. however, I'm still trying to figure out my life and prioritize which is more important than others. and basically the one that I'm focused on more is way more important to the point that I might lose moola LOL.

hence, wish me luck!

[alkeadora]

fool's paradise

my therapist told me to write, all the beautiful things in life, but she didn't know quite, you're all I got in my life,

the air is tainted with miasmic, but you're the air that I fume, the water is polluted with toxic, but you're the water that I consume,

my therapist said our tale was done, a fresh chapter, a new one begun, but little did she know, on my own, tears penned new pages, each one undone,

they say you're a walking red flag, but baby I'm a goddamn colorblind, if you say "jump," I'd say, "how fucking high?" if you say "leave," I'd say, "I'd rather die,"

stupid me would lament, over you who could care less, stupid me would blame, over me who could do less,

how did I end up like this? which part of the mistake I did? when all I know is just loving, and all I get is just losing.

[alkeadora]

admirable april

drawing a line, setting a new goal, leaving the girlhood that he stole, declaring myself with a new soul, and completely having me as a whole,

one last step, I reached the peak, the icy cold wind slaps my cheek, one moment and it tried to speak, "darling, you're no longer the weak,"

six months of living in hell, day by day when I couldn't tell, would my life eventually be well, or would it end with a farewell,

those gray times come to color, and I woke up again to discover, saying, "goodbye to all the suffers, I'll be ready for this new summer,"

I'll bloom in with my own crown, that nobody can take it down, I'll dance all summer in my gown, with blissful people in the town.

[alkeadora]

de moi, à moi

this wholesome post is dedicated to myself because I love myself that much. feel free to read (or not).

hello there, my dear self,

congratulations on finally outliving your own birth date! I'm so proud of you. I can't believe that you made it to this day, because looking back, what happened these past few months has been very, very rough on you.

you have been through a lot, and when I say a lot, I really mean it. this is one of the milestones of your life that you have succeeded in passing. remember the last four months in 2023? yes, those "-ber" months were out of your mind, right? I can understand that. I understand how you first reacted to that, how anger got the best out of you, how you struggled to overcome it, how you barely saw something good in life to the point that being dead sounded way better than being alive, yeah it was horrible. I can still feel it even up until now.

but there's nothing more grateful than seeing how you've gotten it over, that you have made yourself this far. thank you for not giving up, for the never-ending hopes you've built, and for all the support you have received.

I'm glad that I can see you reaching the last stage of grief that you've been through, without losing yourself, in fact, you've gained more than you ever knew. I'm so happy for you. and with that, I'd like to remind you: you have me—yourself, the one who will never ever abandon you, the one who will always stay by your side, the one who will never stop supporting and loving you. thus, you can still do whatever you want, you can still reach whatever you dream, and you can still love whoever you please.

don't give your dream up. heads up, champ! let's do this together!

yours, h.a ♡