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I've been extremely cold lately, only now remembered not eating will do that to you

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I had forgotten how sick I feel when eating only one time a day. I need the nutrition for work, but I can’t seem to get a whole meal down...

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I can lose 10kg and still ha a normal BMI. That’s depressing.

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I’m the highest weight I’ve ever been. That’s why I’ve started obsessing again, and I think it’s worth it. Just for a little while, I’ll stop in a month, when BF is back. Then we’ll both be healthy, and continue losing weight till I’m pleased. 

I know obsessing helps, I’ve seen it already. I just have to have the will to do it this time

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The one thing I was proud of myself for (my grades) are gone now, as my younger sister proved once again that she is smarter than me

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There wasn't pain, only the unpleasant sensation of the resistance of her flesh.

I never promised you a rose garden

[alegas]

My head jumps between «you really need to stop eating» and «I want to get rid of this shit» all the time. Now I’m convinced that I don’t need to starve to be beautiful, 30 minutes ago I was crying because I was too fat but couldn’t get myself to work out. My mental health in general is pretty fucked up nowadays. I was having a great time painting my grandpartens’ house yesterday, but after a couple of hours I’m sitting in a closet, hiding from everyone, tears streaming down my face. 

I don’t know if it’s this place, or these people, or maybe I’m just getting bad again, it’s terrible either way.... And I’ve been needing to cut for a couple of weeks now, feeling the urge every day, several times a day, but I’m tired of the scabs and scars, and I’m scared he is going to start hating me if I do it. I know he wouldn’t if I slipped, but I know I can control it, and then having to admit that I could have stopped but didn’t want to, that would make him hate me. Guaranteed. 

[alegas]

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short not to enjoy it.

4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.

5. Don’t buy stuff you don’t need.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Stay...

[alegas]

I am sick. I know I'm sick. Usually, I don't notice it: days seem normal, I smile and laugh and look like every other young adult out there. The vomit is swallowed, the nausea ignored, the pitch black darkness suppressed for another hour or two. On the outside, I'm totally normal, and I almost get lost in this dream, this fantasy, where I'm like them. Later, when I'm bent over the garbage can, my hands sticky with chicken fat I'm not allowed to keep down, that's when I know.

[alegas]

[alegas]

I was at a party two days ago. Pretty drunk. as I walked into the kitchen to get some more to drink, I grabbed the bread-knife that lay on the counter and tried to slit open my arm. The knife wasn't sharp enough, and now there's just a tiny red line there

[alegas]

 L’ecole des Femmes

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Wasn’t puberty supposed to make me hot

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[alegas]

also, I bought something insuranse thing for the house I'm living in for the next 3,5 years, and I'm only living here for the rest of the year.... that's 40£ out the window....

[alegas]

things are going really bad now... food is really disgusting, my mind keep telling me to kill myself, I tried to cut but it doesn't help, my grades are really bad and I have no hopes or dreams for the future. I really don't see any point in continuing... I don't even want to die, I just want to lock myself up in my room and never have to deal with life again. Expectations, they're actually killing me, yet I cannot blame anyone other than myself...

my friends has been sick all week, and keep "bragging" about how little she's eating (she's really saying that she's so good she managed to eat a whole baguette today even though she knows it's not much). I know she'll have lost a lot of weight when next week comes, and that she'll rub it in my face, and I hate that. I just want to be skinny like all the others, why must they ruin my "recovery" (though there was never an actual diagnosis therefore I couldn't get any real help) when they know I'm still knee deep?! they should know, but they don't care, so why should I keep going on? I've been telling myself that I'm doing it for someone else who might want me here on this planet, but I'm really just being selfish and stupid. So what's the point? what's the fucking point?!

[alegas]

if there isn’t a hair ruffle in the last episode, I will be very disappointed…!