ahlnandco

[ahlnandco]

Day 36 - 37: The Darkest Days

Life isn't dark, if anything it is a lot lighter than most, however it is possibly too light. As I started to try and declutter, I am realizing I have begun making a better mess! I do believe with all things, it is important to break before you build. In the sense, when u break, there is no where to go but up, and when u break you begin to learn why you broke to begin with, and with that you begin to learn how to become stronger wiser better! Thus is life!

Currently, although the breakage has begun, I am so unmotivated to finish tidying leaving perhaps a debilitating mess in my living room, which with daily use is starting to flow into my kitchen! However, the one place that is extremely in sync and optimized is my bed room! It was so in sync that I was in fact so motivated to actually start studying for mcat! However that was 1 day, and it's been 2 days since I have studied! To be honest there are many things holding me back and I believe it's my concern for other opinions and the imapact I am having. For instance my coworkers know, this is my goal, although they believe it can happen, they don't know when or how, and I think my concern is whether in pursuit of my goal whether I will offend those I work with in saying they are not good enough or simply try really hard simply only to fail, and them witnesses to my failure. But to be honest, it doesn't matter. As Gary Vee says, if you know what u NEED to do just go and do it and stop making excuses.

But before that... Gotta tidy... Wish me luck!!!

[ahlnandco]

Day 33-35: Don't Let It Slip Away

Olly Murs - That Girl. Speak up if you love somebody, is a lyric from Olly Murs song. The last couple of days have been a mixed of self gratifying and lazy days. I cheated on my intermittent fasting, failed to go to the gym for 3 days, and binged a dubbed Mexican show on Netflix Canada called Always a Witch. However, on the plus side I did a weigh in at my gym for the weightloss challenge and I am 194.5 meaning I technically lost 3lbs in 3 weeks, about a pound a week, and I am starting to officially declutter Marie Kondo style, almost it was a semi clean and declutter in the bedroom but I am realizing there NEEDS to be a designated space for everything be it stationary and etc. Today is Sunday, and although as a religious person, Sundays are typically meant as rest days, as the saying goes there is no rest for the wicked. But as far as things go, I feel like I'm getting a sign constantly, the number 21, I see it everywhere and I wonder if it's a sign from Allah that something magical is coming in 2021 or what have you! I hope my medicine game is on point though.

So my checklist for medicine:

Ace the MCAT

Ace the CASPERs

Calculate my AGPA

Update my Resume

Fill out Application

Gather Transcripts

Gather References by writing a really beautiful email that highlights my current application, agpa, and possibly past accomplishments.

Be the first applicant to submit my application.

Whilst doing my secondary goals for 2019:

Lose weight and get abs, and able to do 10 chin ups and 100 push ups

Save Money!!!

Also, on a side note, I open up with the Olly Murs thing because tbh there is a really cute doc, and something about him seems dangerous like he is a big flirt. I thought he was straight but there a subtleties that make me think otherwise, mentioning having had worn high heels, lol I am pretty sure he crosses a line lol. But with all the television I consume, like watching Will and Grace they normalize being gay so much like when a cute guy talks to them, Will is just so comfortable going for it, but I guess growing up never have dated etc... How do you know when someone is interested and on that same note, growing up I learned to not make eye contact to avoid confrontation and I guess exposure of my feelings, ugh another skill I must learn I guess, learn to be creepy and stare at people... Ugh the struggle is real! Anyhoo wish me luck!

[ahlnandco]

DAY 29-32: Just Do It

As I begin to reflect on my life and where I am at in life, it is becoming extremely apparent that I NEED to make some extremely tough choices... Like extremely tough! FOR INSTANCE, Studying!

I booked my Mcat again, my weight is fluctuating because I continue to binge I feel to fill this void of companionship and career fulfillment, and as much as I think I need a break I need a massive slap in the face!!!

But I booked it!

The pressure is on Pray for me!!!!

[ahlnandco]

Day 22-28: Ughhhhh

I wrote a giant post... Accidentally exited but this week was a fail, because of this moment single handedly, I watch too much TV, gym got a bit lazy but good personal training session which I have to do the exercise today to remain accountable, work sucks it was slow but got to plan my Disney trip a bit, and ended up scheduling to a conference at the beginning of my Disney trip so got a free 500 flight from work and a day off to attend the conference which gives me educational credits for my license which I was audited for this week, however did have to move my flight to Disney to either that evening or the next day will keep. U posted. Piano was great, and sad thing I did this week was eat pork for the first time in the last 14 years intentionally, and I hate myself but ugh had a long post describing in depth everything, but I exited out of the post so eff it! Ugh..... Feels like I'm being punished! And it's dumb I think this way. #Frustrated

[ahlnandco]

Day 21: The Perfect Date

So the point of writing daily on a semi public forum is for 1 or 2 reasons. First writing publically has the benefit of helping other by providing another means of perspective but also opening yourself up for hopefully "constructive" criticism in order to further learn and grow in the journey of self-improvement. The second which would be a far far stretch is to randomly inspire a stranger, that enjoys reading and getting to know the writer, such that if they ever met they would kind of already know about each other.

So on the dating front, I write this as a clear deviation from my New Years Goal of self-focused development, but here are my struggles with the whole dating concept.

For starters, being a mid 20-something Gay Asian-Canadian Muslim that is set on getting married before sexual intamacy is really tough. Growing up, already it was a semi-challenge to conceal my sexual orientation, and by I suppose not openly owning it subjects one to a loss of encountering a potential mate. Secondly, being Muslim, obviously the struggle with religion and sexuality is a huge debate and especially major for someone who whole heartedly believes and feels bless by Allah. But here is my take on religion, all religions however specifically in Islam, judgment is a right that only Allah (aka God in Arabic incase you are wondering) possesses, and to make blanket judgments are not only prideful (aka a sin and one of the 7 deadly ones) but can also lead to wrath and envy that forces people to do hateful acts in the name of their lord (which to sin is a sin, regardless of how "self-righteous" you believe your intentions are). Which then buckles down to the point, religion is individualized in that we all have different temptations and things we struggle with, if you honestly care about someone then yes reach out, but at the end of the day it is up to the person whether they choose to do good or bad, and you know when a decision is semi-okay when you don't violate another individuals right to choose.

But given this plethora of knowledge, I still love Allah and fear Allah, such that I believe one should be married before sexual intamacy, and in reality if you never had something great before and then you do isn't great because you have nothing to compare it to! With being in a loving and hopefully creative relationship, there are literally an unlimited array of ways to spice up one's love life - but at the end of the day trust and communication are in my opinion key to having hopefully an incredible monogamous sex life.

Now here is the challenges I face, already being an Asian guy, are statistically less to be liked in the general online dating market. So the pool is semi small already for being gay, then even smaller for being Asian, now imagine more than half the people I meet online are opened to dating, half are looking to hook up or have me watch them, which being a virgin maybe incredible tempting at times, then the other half are the desperate half like me, some of which it is evident it is due to a lack of self maintenance or just overtly open to any one. Which then leaves me with the potential candidates maybe 5 people, some don't talk, others do, and find that I chat a lot and lose interest, and then I am back at ground zero. Tbh, I have yet to meet anyone in person, and this raises another issue, me, with wanting to get abs get fit and get into medicine, I honestly don't even think I have the time to meet someone, half of me is hoping to meet someone in med school, the other half of me knows that I like studying alone. But with the signs, I am seeing maybe this is Allah's way of telling me you better study, cause your soulmate is waiting.

So in addition to wanting to be a Dr. My soul mate is waiting for me.

Lastly, when I picture the ideal person, I want to meet someone smart (like they have to love learning or have learnt something completely left field of me) , passionate (loves life and what they are doing and willing to make the changes they need to pursue their dreams and goals) , athletic (my dream would be someone who could carry me like a baby and or give me a piggy back ride but understands the importance of gym life) , practical (a skill I am semi-lacking- honestly everyday life stuff like how to hang a photo, change tires on a car, jump start a car battery), adventurous (someone to go bungy jumping with, six flags and ride roller coasters and rides continuously, travel, teach me snowboarding or skiing, spend long weekends making trips around Canada, someone to explore the city with go to festivals, go dancing, Rockwall climbing, hiking), someone that has good hygiene and smells soo nice I just want to hug them, and lastly someone who knows how to save and be frugal (not cheap but frugal and knows how to budget, like the sexiest thing ever). To be honest, If I want to find this person I got to be this person and hopefully this person finds me too!

When I was 15,16,17 I prayed hard to have a least met my soul mate at one point in time before I was 18! So let's hope, that special someone is waiting for me somewhere! And then we would have that no way I was there, and the if only we had met sooner speech but tbh with life and Allah's plan there is a time and a place for everything. #AllahBless

Ps: also last note Sadly, in the gay community I have encountered people are either all about sex or their pets and I don't like pets, like my friends have them and they are cute, but when there are children that are less fed and less sheltered than pets, well I personally don't think that's right but I know that is a very contentious topic. SO Lastly, I hope I find someone I feel safe enough to protect me from avid animal lovers. Protect me! Jk

[ahlnandco]

Day 18,19,& 20: When Allah Calls Your Name

With New Years Resolutions the intention is to usually be the best version of yourself. As I continue to see and know what I should be doing, the struggle is I see the plan but why can't I execute it. With the ongoing struggle I face to wake up early, clean and tidy daily, intermittent fast, work out daily, and work on personal development by studying. I FIND DISTRACTIONS DAILY THAT INTERFERE WITH MY GOALS.

For starters, yes I joined a weight loss challenge at the gym, however the classes which were at 6pm got moved to 7pm. If my goal is to wake up at 5am daily whilst getting 8 hours of sleep I need to be asleep by 9! But who the eff, works out and falls asleep an hour later! Ugh!! SIMILARLY, my piano lessons are at 815pm, so already that goes against my goals.

However, as my schedule begins to change I am finding moments in which I end up doing nothing. Which could be filled with moments of studying or reading or just some overall productivity. Which then I see the signs, quotes about habit building, patience, and sacrifice. Especially, last night, Legally Blonde was on TV, although fiction, the premise will forever hold true you can do and be whatever you want to be if you work hard, and that life is one giant problem waiting to be solved.

As I reflect on my optimistic goals for my life I continue to examine the things that have shaped me. Legally Blonde, you can be both smart, pretty, and an overall great person. Devil Wears Prada, you can be smart and hardworking, but unless you adapt and commit 110% you may be your own worst enemy, and although tempting opportunities arise unless they are aligned with who you want to be, the most important thing is to be true to yourself and take a chance on yourself. Lastly, Boy Meets World, the one where Topanga and Corey are married and move into their first appointment, the biggest thing about growing up is that life has challenges and realizing that there may be times you may not have the support you need but with time, hard work, and patience everything will work out and you can always make the best of a really cruddy situation.

Although, I don't know what Allah has in store for me, but being a relatively wholesome gay 20 something virgin Asian Muslim, I hope I get to experience one heck of an interesting life by working on my self, and hopefully get to meet my soul mate in the process!

P. S. #SavingMyselfForMarriage #NeverDated #MiniApartmentsExciteMe #FYI

[ahlnandco]

Day 16 & 17: Minimalism and How do you dump someone you aren't even dating?

Saying no! I find that my issue is I want to work on myself but occasionally it is apparent that I get lonely or coerced into doing something that may or may not be beneficial for me. Like today, I seemed to have accidentally gotten myself invited by a few coworkers of mine for drinks just by simply asking where are you guys going? Gawd, why did I ask!

Secondly, although beneficial, I joined a 8 week weight loss program at the gym that has got us doing 1 hour classes twice a week and a 30 min personal training session! But not only does this take away from my evenings, my plan was to be in bed by then so I could go to the gym earlier in the morning!

Next, piano lessons, so I started piano lessons about 6 months ago, and to be honest the amount I have learnt is going pretty quickly. I started taking lessons because I had the opportunity to see my friend who has completed all the levels of the Royal Conservatory Of Music, play any song by ear, such a beautiful skill, as well as play any sheet music that comes her way. #Goals but with an hour a week of piano and a few hours plus of practice a week, plus really really wanting to write the mcat, I did not know how to tell my piano teacher that I would like to change my lessons to once every other week! So I didn't.

Now back to me over indulging a committing to activities outside my goal, I agreed to run in this - 20 plus degree weather for 30 minutes tomorrow after work.

LASTLY, FROM THE WEEKEND, I literally took all my books and miscellaneous desk items and put them on the floor of my bed room so I could personally declutter Marie Kondo style and yet to have touched it! Gawd why did I do this to myself.

But the end result, in many ways, is you need to break in order to build! And slowly I feel like I am, so hopefully you guys pray for me and wish me luck!

#focus2019

[ahlnandco]

Day 14 and 15: The Art Of Tidying

So It has begun, the mess of my life! So this weekend was very productive and yet unproductive. I ended up going to the gym for 2 hours and then went grocery shopping only to be so exhausted and basically did nothing all day with a mid day nap. Then Sunday I was invigorated with energy only to spend half the day cleaning and the other half tidying and watching Marie Kondo show on Netflix. Which that show in many ways was therapeutic with lessons on parenting whilst creating good habits! Half of me is wanting to go through the KonMare process, anyhoo wish me luck! I DID TALK TO MY FRIEND THROUGH ANZ SHE IS THINK OF GOING BACK TO SCHOOL, SO HOPEFULLY EVERYTHING WORKS OUT THERE!!

[ahlnandco]

Day 13: Dream Named Desire

So yesterday another semi failed day... Did not go to the gym because I had planned to go swimming for my friend's daughter's bday party, but that ended up falling through cause a child had vomitted in the pool! Work was okay! I GOT MY FUTON IN! Then my friend messaged me about my mcat goals and once again I'm realizing how I'm just don't seem to ever be in the right place for it! Help me! So I spent my evening playing with other people's kids and realizing how in many ways how I am not ready for my own just yet, but how I have baby fever! Such a distraction!!

[ahlnandco]

Day 12: Squandering Time

Literally wasted time. I wake up I live, and emotionally die! This is me, I know I need to change I know I need to focus, I know I need to study! Then, I should just study! But what do I do everything but... Today I hate myself just a little, I keep eating binging and hoping for the weekend when I know nothing is really going to change until I do it! Pray for me friends, that I focus!

[ahlnandco]

Day 11: A World Worth Shaking

It's hard to imagine how fast life can change and how little changes or even what ifs can easily change your environment or world.

Today we I had an epiphany or awakening. At work, we played the what if, and the question was what if my coworker became pregnant. With working in a rural hospital pharmacy we supply drugs including chemo, and recently new positions were formed and certain individuals in our department have specific tasks, which if pregnant they would no longer be allowed to do.

In which, I supposed my manager has thought about, currently we have a position for a technician that needs to be filled, and has yet to be filled because of the under qualified applicants and living in a rural community you don't have access to many qualified applicants either. Basically the outcome of the conversation was, that my coworker basically, if wanting to get pregnant, had to let my manager know well in advance, possibly 5 years in advanced whether she had intended to have another child. On a tangent, he alluded to my situation, if I was serious about going back to school in the fall of 2020, then by Sept 2019 I should let him know, but if I intend to stay longer than a more robust plan needs to be made.

Which got me to think, my delaying my mcat, and application to medicine, puts strain and uncertainty amongst my coworkers because they are aware I am leaving but are uncertain as to when. Although I have considered this myself, it hadn't occurred to me the impact it had on my work team because even if my other coworker wanted to have a kid, I could cover a bit, with new hires they require training, reviews, and etc. Also, if I did want to stay this would change the way my manager views my role, currently I do not sit on any of the committees that govern our organization, the con is that I usually do not participate in the changes, the pro is I get paid the same and have less work. Currently, I love my situation, but today it occurred to me that it sadly cannot last forever, and if this wasn't the rude awakening needed to force me to take my medicine application seriously, I honestly don't know what would.

So today, I had an epiphany, in which I realized how my decision to apply for medicine effects those I love and care about around me! I hope, I sincerely hope, when I look back on this I will have made a change, that propels me on the trajectory I desire!

The passion is real, and we must pursue! The sooner the better!

[ahlnandco]

Day 10: Self-deprecation

Sometimes you really just got to fake it to make it!

Ughhh wrote a yuge post, and accidentally exited out of it! Fail!

Basically if u self depreciate sooner or later the others around you will start believing it, so be confident and be a prouder version of you! And sooner or later you will be the ideal version of yourself, actualize it!

Me on the other hand if, I had posted the original post, well you could've have seen how I failed!

But for 2019 let's fake it to make it and hopefully by next year, our dreams may be actualized indeed.

[ahlnandco]

Day 9: The Fall

So I tell myself my top 3 focuses this year should be:

1)writing the MCAT

2)Going to the gym to hit target weight, and physical goals, and prepare for a spartan race (oh yeah I'm planning on doing a spartan race)

3)save money at least I think a third of my income

Overall today I fell, I woke up on time only to an excruciating back pain! Did not go to the gym! Next I fell extremely behind in work! Fail! Then I signed up for a weight loss challenge at my gym but paid 110 bucks to participate! Came home ate a whole pizza! Started watching The Bachelor, did not study! Fail!

Hopefully tomorrow is better day, I hope!

[ahlnandco]

Day 8: Little Victories

So last night, I did the opposite of starving my distractions and feeding my focus, by binging all of Netflix's show "Elite", I did learn a lot about myself in the sense where I absolutely abhor ignorant people, and to be parent one must balance education with personal choice and creativity, and you cannot force your kids to do things, the best you can do is cultivate and motivate them to make the right decisions by providing your personal prospective and experience, and they have the choice to take it or leave it!

But back to the update, so last night I slept at 4am! Literally Netflix binges are the worst, sometimes! And I woke up around noon, well rested and motivated to be productive today. First thing I did, laid in bed, then when I got up, I chose not to procrastinate and went to the gym roughly from 1-245pm! Then, I came home, first thing I really wanted to do was laundry, so I took apart my bedding, and did laundry! Meanwhile laundry was being done I finally ate after roughly 16 hours of intermittent fasting, and basically prepared food for the week at the same time! Then I finally cleaned my kitchen did probably 3-4 days worth of dirty dishes put them away and everything, in between folding clothes and drying laundry and remaking my bed! Which cause I had to do 3 loads took me about 3 hours or so which takes us to 7pm ish. Although I was productive, meanwhile I was doing these chores, I was watching Seven deadly sins the anime on netflix! So it wasn't the most efficient use of focus, but it made doing chores a lot easier. Today felt like a mini win! Because as I had made that list of things I wanted or needed to do before studying for the mcat, I was able to knock off a few things. Right now, I think the last things I need to do are to declutter my desk, decide how to rearrange my apartment to fit the futon, and clean the bloddy floors and also my bathroom is starting to need a clean as well! Today I read 1 more page in my mcat book, so slow and steady! But the most important thing is to be steady! Tonight was a win! Wish me luck!

Self care is important whether it is sleeping in one day and doing absolutely nothing, or in my case binging Netflix, WE ALL NEED THOSE DAYS, once u feel over rested then it's equally as important to wake up not think and just do! Some Amish girl on shameless said the Bible says "Chores help cleanse the soul" and to be honest, I do feel cleansed, motivated, and ready for tomorrow! Hopefully, that statement is true!

[ahlnandco]

Day 7: Procrastination

You should never procrastinate. I MEAN I KNOW IT'S MORE EASILY SAID THAN DONE. But... You should never procrastinate. As an example, today I woke up, and because it was a weekend took my sweet ass time, getting up. I ate earlier than I should have because even the most minimal type of intermittent fasting requires at least 12 hours of zero calories. Secondly, I ended up making food on top of a kitchen that need to be clean, which 24 hours later is still a mess as I say to myself it is tomorrows problem. Then it's the whole to do list I said needs to be done prior to actually studying for the mcat. To top it off, I'm going to Disney world in a few months and after my sister researching night and day for prices, she ended up getting a 5 day pass with flight for 700$, yay!! But, I was asked to create an itinerary for the park itself with shows, time lines etc!! So in addition to everything else, I have on my list, life keeps adding more!!! I'm tired and exhausted af! But I guess that is tomorrows problem, gosh I hate myself sometimes.

Rule of thumb: Don't think about doing something you already know how to do, just do it! Simply because in the blink of an eye, IT becomes shIT.

[ahlnandco]

Day 6: WillPower

To reflect on my day, I woke up at 545, got to the gym for 635, ended up doing a short workout until 710, then got home got ready for work for 8am and went, at work my boss the regional pharmacy manager called me in first thing to ask if I would cover for the pharmacists in another town that is about 1.5 hours away, I said sure and went, the drive was beautiful and I recently got a dash cam on boxing day for 10 bucks, and boy the regret I have cause this would have been the perfect time to use it because the views and scene were gorgeous!! Work there was great, but I supposed waking up energized today with a kick in my step, I found that some things were slow and others were fast and the worst part was not the work itself but the organization of the work flow! To bore myself, any more with the details is too much. But I ended up binging for lunch and stayed longer than I should have at work Then I drove 1.5 hours home. When I got home, I did nothing, nothing, nothing, and nothing! No goals accomplished, no maintenance tasks or productive task performed, Just mindless TV! And also, the deal for Disney went up so that is up in the air!

Although it is a struggle at times to wake up, dust yourself off and start a new day, every little bit counts, make a habit, even if u have to fake it to make it, because the more practice even if it's 2 minutes or 12 hours, practice makes excellent! Wish me luck folks, also oh gosh so many people are traveling on Instagram, I think I need to quit a bit! Fomo, the fear of missing out is definitely a thing!

[ahlnandco]

Day 5: SlowNSteady

So today, I made it to the gym! Win! My Disney trip, details pending! Boo! Work was slow! Lunch, I watched The Masked Singer! After work I ate and took a nap, and then I woke up ate and finally got to study for the mcat! Only a small step, but every little small step adds up, so watch me world! Here I come, and just finished watching The Nanny on Amazon Prime! My heart!!!