agentpenis

[agentpenis]

Have fun, everyone!

I Expect You To Date: REBOOTED

OOC: Well, you asked for it, and it's back! There's still a few things to work out, I need to figure out how to format it to avoid burnout, but the server's ready! So without further ado, welcome back to I Expect You To Date!

The way this works is a mix between a dating sim and freeform rp. I'll usually give the player one or more options to reply with, but they'll almost always also have a [Custom] option, which allows them to write their own response.

Basic plot is, the Agency finally discovered Zoraxis's main base, and there's no one better to send undercover than good old Agent Phoenix. There are 3 Acts in the game, and 8 routes, selected at the end of Act 1- 6 familiar faces and 2 secret routes.

With all that said, I hope you'll join me in foiling Zoraxis's top brass's most dastardly plot yet- remaining single.

Ta-ta, agents! Roz will resume posting soon.

[agentpenis]

She displayed it here.

[OOC: This is a letter from Agent Phoenix ( @agentpenis )]

Calling all agents and observers.

I’ve been fighting and studying Roz/Zor- by now, I’m sure many of you are aware they’re one and the same- for a while now. I’ve been looking into things on my own, but I’ve hit a wall. I need your help. What are your theories on Roz? Scattered hints have been dropped across her activity, but I can’t quite piece them together.

With burning curiosity,

Agent Phoenix

[agentpenis]

I’m not interested in that. That’s standard Agency fare, we’ll figure that out. I want to know more about HER. For example, I think it’s weird that she seems to have telekinesis, but I can’t figure out what that means.

[OOC: This is a letter from Agent Phoenix ( @agentpenis )]

Calling all agents and observers.

I’ve been fighting and studying Roz/Zor- by now, I’m sure many of you are aware they’re one and the same- for a while now. I’ve been looking into things on my own, but I’ve hit a wall. I need your help. What are your theories on Roz? Scattered hints have been dropped across her activity, but I can’t quite piece them together.

With burning curiosity,

Agent Phoenix

[agentpenis]

I have my reasons. I’ve been putting together a private file with everything I can possibly learn about her, and my theory has some… interesting implications.

So I think Roz might be going insane? I have no idea how to handle this. Do we just let it happen? What am I supposed to do in this situation?

[agentpenis]

I don’t know, I kinda… feel bad.

So I think Roz might be going insane? I have no idea how to handle this. Do we just let it happen? What am I supposed to do in this situation?

[agentpenis]

So I think Roz might be going insane? I have no idea how to handle this. Do we just let it happen? What am I supposed to do in this situation?

[agentpenis]

Favorite zoraxis employee?

Does Anna count? If not, uhhhh… hivemind’s kinda silly.

[agentpenis]

OOC Post!

Incorrect Quotes from Agency and co.

Lemme know if you guys would want more!

Roxy: *seductively takes off glasses*

Roxy: Wow...

Anna: *blushes* Haha... what?

Roxy: You're really fucking blurry.

Reggie: So… I’ve seen you’ve been spending a lot of time with Anna recently.

Phoenix: No, Reggie, it's not what it looks like, I swear.

Reggie: Oh really? So no reason for me to be jealous?

Phoenix: No! You’re the only one for me.

Reggie: Is that so?

Phoenix: I promise! Anna and I are just dating, okay? They’re my partner.

Reggie: So there are no best-friends-feelings involved?

Phoenix: You are still my one and only best friend! They’re just the love of my life, nothing more!

Reggie: But I’m still the platonic love of your life, right?

Phoenix: Of course bro!

Reggie: Bro...

Anna: What the-

Roxy, trying to flirt: So, you come around here often?

Anna, confused: I mean, this is my house, so yeah.

Phoenix: I never said I was gonna get back together with them. But I was thinking, they're in town, would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave them a call?

Roxy: No. No, Phoenix, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. It would be the fourth worst thing. Number one: a super volcano. Number two: an asteroid hits the Earth. Number three: All the Evel Knievel movies are lost. Number four: Phoenix calls Juniper. Number five: Anna gets eaten by a shark.

Anna: I’m Anna, and I approve the order of that list.

Anna: The first time I saw you, you stole my heart.

Phoenix: But I'm a kleptomaniac, so that doesn't mean anything.

Phoenix: You need a hobby.

Roxy: I have a hobby!

Phoenix: Fawning over Anna isn’t a hobby.

Phoenix: Hey, Anna, are you free on Friday? Like around eight?

Anna: Yeah.

Phoenix: And you, Roxy?

Roxy: Umm... yes?

Phoenix: Great! Because I'm not. You two go out without me. Enjoy your date!

Roxy: Did they just-

Phoenix: Hey, babe, remember how I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up my ADHD meds?

Roxy: Yes?

Phoenix: Well, it turns out they're all out for the next five days.

Roxy: Fuck.

Phoenix: It's gonna be a fun week!

Roxy: I'm going to Reggie's house.

Phoenix: Nuh-uh. Through sickness and health, motherfucker.

Roxy: Talk dirty to me~

Phoenix: Inflation is a serious problem and lumber prices are at a high.

Roxy: Wha-

Phoenix: The economy is in shambles.

Anna: I’ve been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response.

Roxy: Wow. They sound stupid.

Anna: But they’re not. They’re really smart actually. Just dense.

Roxy: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… “Hey! I love you!”

Anna: I guess you’re right. Hey Roxy, I love you.

Roxy: See! Just say that!

Anna: Holy fucking shit.

Roxy: If that flies over their head then, sorry Anna, but they're too dumb for you.

Anna: Roxy.

Reggie: Why would you give a knife to Phoenix?!

Anna, shrugging: Phoenix felt unsafe.

Reggie: Now I feel unsafe!

Anna: I’m sorry…

Anna: Would you like a knife?

Anna, Entering Roxy's room: Phoenix did it again.

Roxy: Peace disturbance?

Anna: What no-

Roxy: Arson..?

Anna: NO, JESUS CHRIST, HOW MANY-

Roxy: uh....Attempted murder?

Anna: NO, THEY ATE ALL THE FOOD IN THE FRIDGE, BUT WHAT THE FU-

Reggie: And what did we learn, Phoenix?

Phoenix: Tackling someone isn’t the correct response to being asked a simple question.

Roxy, near tears: I have the sex appeal of a math book!

Phoenix: I don’t know, dude, I’ve never met anyone that opened a math book and didn’t say “fuck me”.

Phoenix: Sorry I'm late, I was doing stuff.

Reggie: YOU PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS!

Roxy, pointing at Phoenix: Are they a Freak (derogatory)?

Roxy, pointing at Anna: Or a Freak (affectionate)?

Reggie: Why not both?

Roxy, to Reggie: You’re so right, Freak (double-edged sword)!

Phoenix: The scariest president had to be Rushmore because he had four heads.

Reggie: Yeah, it’s a good thing we captured him in that mountain, even if we have to live in fear of the spell wearing off.

Anna: Do you two still believe in that legend? Come on, Rushmore was killed a hundred years ago! We’re safe now.

Roxy: You people have clearly never taken a history lesson. His body was never found.

Phoenix: I hope no one lowkey hates me.

Phoenix: Highkey hate me. Hate me with every fiber of your being.

Phoenix: Go big or go home.

Roxy: WHOEVER CAUSED THIS MESS IS GOING TO-

Anna: It was me...

Roxy: ...Is going to be forgiven because everyone deserves a second chance.

Phoenix: Be careful, I thrive on negative attention.

Roxy: I need you to come meet me, and I need you to come alone.

Reggie: And I need you to be less vague and weird.

Roxy: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was changing their name to Phoenix.

Anna: Ah, Hello again. We really need to stop meeting like this.

Roxy: Maybe we would, if you would sTOP BREAKING INTO MY FUCKING HOUSE!!!

Reggie: When I was your age-

Roxy, mocking Reggie: When I was your height.

Reggie:

Reggie: Listen here you little shit-

Anna: Sometimes I drink milk straight from the container.

Phoenix: The cow??

Anna: What?

Reggie: Phoenix, W H Y?

Roxy: How did you even get in here?

Phoenix: Anna's window! Or, as I like to call it, "Phoenix's door"!

Anna: I’m closing the window.

Reggie: I made tea.

Roxy: I don't want tea.

Reggie: I didn't make you tea. This is my tea.

Roxy: Then why did you tell me?

Reggie: It's a conversation starter.

Roxy: It's a horrible conversation starter.

Reggie: Oh, is it? We're conversing. Checkmate.

Roxy: Did you just refer to a knife as a “people-opener”?

Phoenix:

Phoenix: …Should I not have?

Phoenix: Don't joke about murder. I was murdered once and it offends me.

Phoenix: You’ve got to learn to love yourself.

Roxy: But don't you hate yourself.

Phoenix: Yeah, but this is about you. Stay focused.

Phoenix: And I’d love to be sorry for that, but we all know I’ve done much, much worse.

Phoenix: *casually taking four stairs at a time*

Reggie, falling behind, taking two stairs at a time: Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fu-

Reggie: Just took a personality test and got an A+.

Reggie, to Phoenix: You're starting to forget your Spanish. You don't practice.

Phoenix: Lo siento. Estoy embarazada.

Reggie: You just told me you're pregnant.

Roxy: Congratulations Phoenix, you're glowing!

Anna: I've never encountered a problem that can't be solved by an spontaneous musical number.

Roxy: So, what’s Anna's type?

Phoenix: Brown eyes, kind, oblivious, good sense of humor, turtle lover.

Roxy: Sounds kind of like me. Too bad we’re just friends.

Phoenix: Did I mention oblivious?

Roxy: Yeah, why?

Phoenix: Okay, just making sure.

Anna: Say no to drugs.

Anna: Say yes to drugs.

Anna: It doesn't matter if you say yes or no to drugs, cause if you're talking to drugs... then you're on drugs.

Anna: Do you think I’m ugly?

Roxy: It’s not about looks, Anna. What’s valuable is on the inside...

Anna: Roxy...

Roxy: For example, someone's heart.

Anna: Aw... Stop it-

Roxy: It could be purchased for more than a million dollars, you know.

Anna: Seriously, stop.

Roxy: Let’s watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

Anna: Okay.

Roxy: And make out during the scary parts.

Anna: Th-

Anna: The scary parts.

Anna: Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

Roxy, in a high voice, holding Barbie: Hey, Ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career!

Anna, in a deep voice, holding Ken: Nonsense, Barbie. You’re staying home and having my kids.

Reggie: What the fuck are you guys doing?

Roxy: Playing systemic oppression.

Roxy: If I'm extra sarcastic with you it probably means I'm flirting with you or you really annoy me and I can't handle your crap... have fun figuring out which one.

[agentpenis]

[agentpenis]

Absolutely. At least, I know that’s the case for Roz and I’s Roxy.

*sneaks into your vents and drags a knife through all your heating systems*

Hope you like the cold, cause I think I see a storm on the brink. Now tell me where Anna is or I'll explode the systems throughout this whole building.

@agent--shadow

Ha! No. That will not be happening. Go ahead, blow up that building, it’s disposable to me. We finally have her back, we will not be giving her over so easily.

[agentpenis]

I honestly think Anna is safer with her than with us.

*sneaks into your vents and drags a knife through all your heating systems*

Hope you like the cold, cause I think I see a storm on the brink. Now tell me where Anna is or I'll explode the systems throughout this whole building.

@agent--shadow

Ha! No. That will not be happening. Go ahead, blow up that building, it’s disposable to me. We finally have her back, we will not be giving her over so easily.

[agentpenis]

Like I said, for the simple reason that it fucks over Zoraxis.

*sneaks into your vents and drags a knife through all your heating systems*

Hope you like the cold, cause I think I see a storm on the brink. Now tell me where Anna is or I'll explode the systems throughout this whole building.

@agent--shadow

Ha! No. That will not be happening. Go ahead, blow up that building, it’s disposable to me. We finally have her back, we will not be giving her over so easily.

[agentpenis]

Dr. Prism.

*sneaks into your vents and drags a knife through all your heating systems*

Hope you like the cold, cause I think I see a storm on the brink. Now tell me where Anna is or I'll explode the systems throughout this whole building.

@agent--shadow

Ha! No. That will not be happening. Go ahead, blow up that building, it’s disposable to me. We finally have her back, we will not be giving her over so easily.

[agentpenis]

Well, there’s only one person I know of who wants to fuck over Zoraxis as badly as we do, and is capable of it.

*sneaks into your vents and drags a knife through all your heating systems*

Hope you like the cold, cause I think I see a storm on the brink. Now tell me where Anna is or I'll explode the systems throughout this whole building.

@agent--shadow

Ha! No. That will not be happening. Go ahead, blow up that building, it’s disposable to me. We finally have her back, we will not be giving her over so easily.

[agentpenis]

I think I know who might’ve taken her…

*sneaks into your vents and drags a knife through all your heating systems*

Hope you like the cold, cause I think I see a storm on the brink. Now tell me where Anna is or I'll explode the systems throughout this whole building.

@agent--shadow

Ha! No. That will not be happening. Go ahead, blow up that building, it’s disposable to me. We finally have her back, we will not be giving her over so easily.

[agentpenis]

Hey! No one invited me?! I’m the one that’s FROM this universe!

Hey Roz! Anything new lately? How're the traps working so far? Still have those agents locked up somewhere?

Been cooped up in the office! Nice to receive some communication though! Yeah, traps are working wonders, we’ve got by my estimate half of the Agency’s active operatives under lock and key at the moment.

[agentpenis]

…I just like watching things burn.

The elusive Agent Phoenix.

...Observed burning one of our outposts to the ground, and destroying years of research.