agentcaulfield

[agentcaulfield]

@carmicsword

I never had a kid... that I know of, I guess, there could be a little Chuck running around out there... who knows... Anyways, I probably never had a kid, which is a good thing, ‘cause I’d have seriously fucked it up. But if I had a kid I’d want that kid to be Carmen. And I wouldn’t let her be a hunter. I’d forbid it. She’d be - I don’t know, something normal. Like a... chef. Or an astronaut. Something where big things aren’t trying to murder all the time. She’d probably hate it. She’d definitely hate me. But I would still love her, and she’d stay alive, you know? Get old and happy. That’s what her life should’ve been.

[agentcaulfield]

[agentcaulfield]

gunpowderand-ana:

If you are, shouldn’t there be more pretzels and beer?

I… I don’t know. This feels- Weird. And um, wow the urge to bite into you like a cold pizza pocket is real.

A cold pizza pocket? Okay, yeah, if this is a dream it is a nightmare and you are a demon sent to seduce me from the depths of hell. 

Ana, what’s going on? Why are you young? Why are you alive? 

[agentcaulfield]

gunpowderand-ana:

I ought to kill you right now, you know that? Right…now. Oh, suddenly I’m a person? I thought I was a monster, Agent Caulfield. Dead inside and out- definitely not a person, shitty or otherwise. You think that I’m beholden to someone evil who asks me to kill and torture in her name? Maybe you should take a look in the mirror, Chuck. I’m not the only one here who’s slaughtered hundreds of people, whether you wanna consider them “people” or not.

Shut. Up. [ He’s not getting under skin but she can’t seem to convey that message to her face, or her fangs] Just because you have some apple pie life to come home to at night doesn’t make your leash any less real.

Then you are going to die. It’s- … I know. Of course I know. We’re partners.

--Partners? Partners in what, some decades long Tom-and-Jerry fucked up sadist... bull.......shit...?

....Ana, what’s... what’s going on? Am I asleep?

[agentcaulfield]

‘Your girl’ is a massive pain in my ass, tell her to kill me already or leave me alone. Also, she’s very sexually aggressive, so, I don’t know what Mommy’s Rules are but you might want to do something about that. 

I mean, I’m not giving you my gun but I pinky promise I won’t try anything. How’s that?

I hear you’ve been looking for me, Agent Caulfied.

I also hear you’ve been spending a little too much hanging around my girl. You’d be wise to take a few steps back from mine or we may not make it through this conversation. [ Holds her hands up. ] But I didn’t come here to threaten you. In fact, I’d like this to remain as polite as possible. We both stand with blood on our hands from each other’s loved ones, no one here is innocent. You’d also be wise to remember that.

@agentcaulfield

[agentcaulfield]

Lucious touching Cookie in any given chance

[agentcaulfield]

Azra T. “My Heart is Full of Open Windows”

[agentcaulfield]

gunpowderand-ana:

Ha. You know it’s actually kinda impressive how you can say all that without a hint of irony. You want to talk cause-effect? Try to strap down a vampire — an agent — and pump her full of chemicals to take away her free will because god forbid a psychopath like Colonel Q ever gives up complete control, you get blood. Lots of it. Your institute betrayed her. You just have your head too far up the ass of the chain of command to get that.

-rolls her eyes for centuries- You’re an idiot, Chuck. A small-minded idiot. Being undead is better than being dead, trust me. I’ve done it before. -shakes her head, lowering her voice and almost smirking- Still with the sweet talking. Promises, promises. If they were trained by you I might as well start writing the thank you notes for the free snacks now.

… Would it matter? I can see things clearly regardless. Staying here is a death sentence and that’s not a threat, it’s just a fact.

And you have your head too far up Piper’s ass to realize that even if that’s true, even if we betrayed her or whatever the hell, it doesn’t give you the right to slaughter hundreds of people. Hundreds of people in the name of one woman who, mind you, is still alive and maiming. No matter how you spin it, you’re a shitty person, Analese. Shittier than me, and that’s fucking saying something.

Yeah. Maybe I am small minded. But I have family, I have friends, I have humanity, all that bullshit that actually makes life worth living. And you? You have a keeper. Your blind loyalty to your maker pretty much guarantees that you’ll never be as free as me or any of the humans you murder.

I’m sending Carmen away, but you know I’m going to stay. It’s my job.

[agentcaulfield]

gunpowderand-ana:

Ooh, I love it when you talk dirty. Isn’t that half the fun?

… You’ve always had such a mouth on you, you know that? It’s going to get you into trouble one day. [ Woosh-woosh runs a lil too close for comfort towards him and pats his chest] It’s a good thing that your heart’s already in my hands, huh? Otherwise this conversation might have gone a whole other way. I enjoy our little back and forth, I do but you should know not to push it too far. Keep Piper’s name off your tongue before I’m inclined to rip it out.

Aw, that’s sweet. Heartbreaking of course but sweet. It does sound like you’re trying to pass your sell-by date on me though, Agent. What good would you be if you couldn’t keep up? … You should consider taking that vacation, a little daddy-daughter bonding time. I’m sure it’d be very wholesome and fun.

Keep the blood of innocent lives off Piper’s hands and we’d stop trying so hard to kill her! Honestly, you’d think that many years alive would give you vampires some leg up in the brains department, yet your continual refusal to understand a fairly basic cause-effect relationship says otherwise. 

...Yes, well, unfortunately I am not undead and even if someone -obvious fake cough- tried to turn me undead, I’d drive a stake through my own heart before ever becoming one of you. And don’t you worry, target two-zero-four-sixty-eight, if I don’t get you in my life time, one of my trainees will pick up the torch in theirs. 

You’re really worried about me, huh? Is it on or off right now? I can never tell with you.

[agentcaulfield]

gunpowderand-ana:

Does it? Dehumanize the dead thing, it’ll make it easier when you hit your target… That takes me back. Bloodline hunter, remember. Even alive I still kicked your scrawny, human ass. Oh c’mon, grumpy chops. I’ll let you call me Ana-Banana. What’re you scared you’re gonna start warming up to my cold, prickly self? [smirks] You can’t get rid of everything you were when you were human. Something about having fangs does make everything a lot rougher though. She’d still like to pay your bosses a visit, y’know. Pay it back.

Cower, cry, start backing up your files. They still got Smith working down in the basement? [grins] Damn, you got me. Maybe I’m trying to turn over a new leaf. Maybe I just wanted our first time to be special, you ever think of that?   [ Very casually she starts to walk slowly around him ] Honestly, and I’m the filthy one. Licked it off a knife. Don’t worry kitten, I’m sure our time will come and I promise to be gentle with you. Cute. I’m not worried, you’re almost functional enough to keep yourself from getting killed but… What can I say? We monsters can get awfully territorial over our prey. Oh yeah, like a regular knight in shining armour.

I have no desire to call you Ana Banana, target two zero four sixy-eight, and the fact that you’re always a couple words away from murdering me kind of destroys any potential warming. 

Well, tell her she’s always welcome back at the Institute. We miss her so much, you know, no one’s even touched her little holding cell since she’s left. Don’t want to destroy all the memories. No one writhes around in pain like Piper.

Ah, I see. Sorry, vampy. I’m just not looking for a serious romantic commitment thing right now, I hope you understand. It’s just, there’s only one special gal in my life, and I plan on being clingy and overprotective until she’s sixty, so. Full time job. 

[agentcaulfield]

gunpowderand-ana:

Well, that’s probably got a lot to do with the fact that I’m dead so. ‘Warm fuzzy’ isn’t on the table. Alive me… She wasn’t exactly that either. See, you know me so well already Chuck-E-Cheese. Dirty. I will do my best to try and refrain from calling you ‘daddy’ then. I’m not, if it helps.

Mhm. You hunter types think you’ve got it all figured out but you all have one thing in common. You have a death wish. That’s why you like to get so close to us, vampires. [smirks] Tearing would be a little theatrical, I’d at least sample the goods first. Why don’t you risk it and we can find out just how fun a lifetime of this could really be? Aw, you worried about me Agent? Maybe you should take your own advice, grab your pretty little daughter and hit the road before you can’t. I hear Fiji is a good time. If not, between you and me, I’m the only one who’s allowed to kill you so there is that to look forward to as well.

Hm, well. I guess that makes me feel a little better about the fact you are essentially dead, if it’s gonna happen, at least you might have kind of deserved it. Nuh-uh, you are my target. You are not going to give a cutesy nickname. God, you’re filthy. No wonder Mommy Renderos keeps you on such a tight leash.

Ooooh, you’ve cracked the big institute secret, what ever will we do now. I’m sorry, when have you been anything less than theatrical? Wait a second, have you never actually tasted my blood? Really? We’ve been at this now for a couple of years, and you’ve never even, like, licked it off a knife? That’s so weird! Aw, are you worried about me, pasty? Gonna protect me from all the other inferior fangy losers?

[agentcaulfield]

gunpowderand-ana:

Wouldn’t you like to know, huh? I’m sure you’ve thought about it on those long, lonely nights reading my paper file. What would it have been like back in the day if it were me and you, working for The Man before it all went wrong— no matter what way you flip it, we always seem to end up cozy.

That old, human denial of yours is getting a little pathetic. What gets hearts racing like a near death experience? Speaking of, what are we on now? Me: 7, You: 12? Aw, you’re cute. Not this party, I’m talking about the one that’s coming here in Kreagan Valley, everyone’s fave little town. You big wigs think you’re the only ones who get intel? We immortals do know how to live it up. Usually involves bloodshed, lives ruined, hearts ripped out. You excited?

You strike me as more of a cold prickly than a warm fuzzy, not exactly the kind of person I envision myself getting cozy with. Plus, you look roughly the same age as my literal daughter, so. A little weird.

Denial that me, a hunter, wants to murder you, a vampire? Do you even hear yourself speaking right now or do you just say random words and hope for the best? So excited, I can barely I would do a cartwheel if I was fully convinced you wouldn’t tear out my throat if I moved. Anyways, I really don’t know what you’re talking about. There’s no party, you should just leave. Go to Fiji or something. I hear Fiji is a good time.

[agentcaulfield]

gunpowderand-ana:

You really need to work on your sneaking skills, Cupcake.

Seriously, even if I wasn’t the one with the super senses, I’d still have heard you a mile off. Figures you wouldn’t miss a party. Or maybe you just missed me? If I didn’t know any better I’d say you were a little obsessed. Careful, if you’re bad your beloved masters back at HQ might just yank that short leash that you’re on.

God, you talk a lot. Did you always talk this much? Or is that another thing the super senses heightened?

You have really got to stop taking my attempts on your life as flirting, it’s getting a little pathetic. And...this is a party? You, on a street corner, alone, at, like, six PM? I thought you immortals were supposed to know how to live it up. This is just sad.

[agentcaulfield]

Hey, Lulu. Cool jam. Love Taylor Swift. Little monsters forever.

Anyways, have you had a chance to reconsider my bulletproof leather jacket proposal? I know in the past it has been called a, quote unquote, waste of time but let’s take a moment to think about this. Have you ever seen Sergeant J wear anything but leather? Ever? If we can’t keep El Presidente safe, what is that doing to the reputation of our murderous and highly illegal institution?

[walking to work with her headphones, singing to herself] Hold up, they don’t love you like I love you…Slow down, they don’t love you like I love you…

[agentcaulfield]

All secondary concerns to the one for your soulmate slash partner who could have bled out on the hospital bed, right? I am marginally more important to you than a polyester chair? Oh, please, it’s not like you had to hold my hair back or anything! Plus, you have often traumatized me with your chronic meanness and lack of response to my slick come-ons so I’d say we’re even. 

Ah, I was mostly just annoyed I didn’t get to stake him. And that you weren’t allowed to hold my hand because they kept having to use those electrical zap emergency paddles. But don’t tell ephemeral ghost Ana that, it’s pretty embarrassing. 

Really, really pretty sure, huh? Analese Hayes has a giant crush on meeee, I’m telling the whole world once we get back to HQ.

Oh no, here comes the jello cup story! Hey, do you ever stop for a second and think about how traumatizing your shooting and barfing was for me? Like hello, I had to nap on the single most uncomfortable bedside chair in the world. I deserved that jello cup. If it makes you feel any better it was lime and it was gross. Mm very true. So worth losing a President over. Ah… Okay, we won’t talk about it. Whatever you want.

True. Um… It was a good life lesson for you? A learning curve. You came out the other end of it a better man. Or something like that. I viciously staked the modern-day vampire lackey who did the deed if that counts. Which it should. You were so ungrateful while hospital-bound. Pretty sure? I thiiiiiiiiink–

You have my permission to be really, really pretty sure. At least. You’re still slightly less amazing than me so there.

[agentcaulfield]

ღ?

Saucy smile, legs for miles, and six feet under the fucking ground.

[agentcaulfield]

name:

Roni Macaroni

picture:

ringtone:

Jagged Little Pill, Alanis Morisette

text:

“Angel is Carmen’s bae”. Did I use that in the correct context?