adventures-of-a-bookflower

[adventures-of-a-bookflower]

I’m scared.

my crush has a not so good home life.

and he has been acting weird.

somethings wrong

I’m scared.

(Note- my crush and I are really good friends)

[adventures-of-a-bookflower]

it’s freuking 10:36pm and every single thought on in my messed up loud mind is him.

Every single one. I can’t stop thinking about him

[adventures-of-a-bookflower]

*whips*

Im in love with someone who doesn’t love me back

Im in love with someone I can’t have

[adventures-of-a-bookflower]

a break down of social anxiety bc it gives me a mental breakdown

i don’t think people comprehend social anxiety very well so I’m going to attempt to elaborate.

Social anxiety is not someone just being shy or petty or attempting to seem cute

It’s not some excuse to have other people do things for you or do get your own way

It is the overwhelming sense of fear and lies constantly swirling around in your mind

It is the feeling of anxious plaguing you to the point of being unable to certain tasks

It is not some shy innocent girl in a sweet little flower skirt

It is the inability to breathe and the feeling of your heart rate escalating

It is the feeling of not being able to breathe

I made a list of some of the weird things that social anxiety DOES do

⁃ hold on to a piece of trash for hours bc you don’t want to get up to throw it away bc people might look at you

⁃ waiting for someone else to turn in their test even if you are already don’t bc you don’t want people to notice

⁃ deny the offer of food or water bc you don’t want to seem like a bother

⁃ taking money out of your wallet before the cashier asks so you don’t have to hold up the line more than you already have

⁃ have difficulty ordering food, making appointments, and talking to ppl you don’t know bc you feel like you are going to screw it up or offend them even if it is just “can I get a to go box please?”

⁃ mentally rehearsing the word here in class or your order at a restaurant then getting thrown off if they ask you things you haven’t planned

⁃ hiding your fingertips or face in public

⁃ fidgeting

⁃ leg bouncing

⁃ editing the crap out of everything you say mentally

⁃ attaching yourself to people and not wanting to leave their sides at school, in class, or at social events bc you will feel uncomfortable with out someone

⁃ always having a crutch, ie a phone or necklace or book or something

⁃ over thinking mistakes that everyone else didn’t even notice

⁃ feeling off or tired even if u aren’t sick

⁃ have panic attacks

⁃ always think you are annoying the people you care abouts

⁃ fearing the everyone you care about secretly doesn’t like you

⁃ having irrational thoughts and doubts such as the above bc your brain tells you that all the time

⁃ n u m b n e s s

⁃ Not rlly trusting people and when you do you want to text them and talk to them a lot bc you like being around them

⁃ Not text them bc you feel rlly annoying

⁃ being seriously exhausted after social events and school

[adventures-of-a-bookflower]

*finger guns*

Today was my last Monday of school and I could not be more happy.

No more tests

Homework

Mid week break downs

Fake friends

Annoying projects

Stress bc of school

Anxiety bc of school

And it means I've completed another year

It is finally the end of school

[adventures-of-a-bookflower]

I TEXTED MY CRUSH

FROM 10:30 PM

TO 3AM

AND WE TALKED ABOUT EVERYTHING

WE PLAYED TWENTY QUESTIONS

WE TALKED ABOUT LOVE AND ROMANCE

ABOUT GIRLS IN YOGA LEGGINGS AND GUYS IN TIGHT WHITE TEE SHIRTS

WE TALKED ABOUT STORIES AND OUR FURTURES AND ALL OF THIS STUFF

WE GAVE EACH OTHER ROMANTIC ADVICE

WE TALKED FOR FREAKING EVER

AND HE HAD WORK THE NEXT DAY AND I SAID I COULD LET HIM GO TO BED AND HE STAYED UP TO TALK TO ME

UNTIL 3AM

EVEN THOUGH HE SAID HE HAS FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE ELSE

IN A WEIRD WAY IM OKAY

BC I LOVE HIM

AND I JUST WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY

AND SOMEONE IN AN REALLY ODD WAY

I FEEL LIKE I DONT NEED TO WORRY

BC WE WILL HAPPEN EVENTUALLY

MAYBE IDK

MAYBE I'M BEING NIEVE

IDC

UPDATE- HE HAD TO BE TO WORK AT FIVE AM. THAT MEANS HE HAD TO BE UP AT LIKE FOUR. HE BARELY GOT LIKE A HOUR OF SLEEP!

[adventures-of-a-bookflower]

I'm currently texting Grayson about our crushes. We are talking about how our crushes make us feel. Talking about how our crushes make us feel like nothing else we have ever experienced. His crush isn't me. Little does this idiot know I'm in love with him.

[adventures-of-a-bookflower]

sleep deprived me

Sleep deprived me posted that last post

I honestly don't regret it bc it felt so good to get it off of my chest Oml.

I love him.

The stupid.

The annoying.

The kind.

The funny.

The smart.

The sweet.

The protective.

The understanding.

I love every part of him.

Just FYI.

Hehehehe

[adventures-of-a-bookflower]

I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU

I LOVE OUR STUPID CONVERSATIONS

I LOVE OUR END LESS BANTER

I LOVE THE WAY YOUR SMILE IS MORE OF A SMIRK

I LOVE YOUR LAUGH

I LOVE THE WAY YOU STAND AND TALK

I LOVE YOUR EYES

I LOVE YOU STUPID JOKES AND PICK UP LINES

I LOVE YOUR FACIAL EXPRESSIONS

I LOVE YOUR BROKENNESS

I LOVE EVERY PART OF YOU

I LOVE YOUR HAIR

I LOVE YOU

I LOVE EVERYTHING THERE IS TO YOU

THE STUPID RECKLESSNESS

THE SHY GENIUS

THE LOUD IDIOT

THE SIMPLE SMILE YOU GET

YOUR EYES

GOSH IDIOT

I FREAKING LOVE YOU

I WANT TO TELL YOU SO BADLY

I WANT YOU TO KNOW SO BADLY

I WANT YOU TO JUST KNOW

I WANT YOU TO FEEL THE SAME

I WANT YOU TO TO FEEL THE SAME WAY

I WANT YOU TO KNOW

I FREAKING LOVE YOU

I'M SCREAMING IT

I'M THINKING IT

IM EXCITED TO GO TO THE HORRID SCHOOL JUST TO SEE YOU

I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A PANIC ATTACK AND REMEMBER OUR CONVERSATIONS TO CALM DOWN

WHEN I'M SAD I NEED YOU NEAR

I NEED YOU

I'M IN FLIPPING LOVE WITH YOU IDIOT

[adventures-of-a-bookflower]

anxiety attacks✌️

You know that moment where your heart drops when you almost fall down the stairs

Or you lean too far in your chair

That's what anxiety is like

Every single time the teacher calls your name

Every single time you think you messed up

Every single time you go out to a social setting alone

Every single time

Every single day

Anxiety

Is

Not

A

Joke

Or

Just

Someone

Freaking

Out

It is real

And it sucks

So if someone with anxiety trusts you enough to tell you

Or ask for you help

Help them

Listen to them

It's a big step

because anxiety sucks man

[adventures-of-a-bookflower]

i miss my best friend <3

I miss my best friend Audrey so much. We haven't talked as much as we normally do. I saw her last week but we didn't get to hang out much. I invited her to a school even tomorrow but she cant make it. I miss her more than anything. I wanna talk to her. I wanna hang out with her. I love her so much. I wanna be watching shows and laugh g so hard we can breathe. I miss her. She doesn't have Tumblr so she will never see this, but I want her to know how much I care about her. I love her. I miss her.

[adventures-of-a-bookflower]

I don't know what this is. I'm rebloging from my art and poetry account. If you like this ish go give it a follow😉💕

I don’t know what this is but here it is *sips tea*

I want you

To want me

Like I need you

Baby I need you

I want to be near you

I want to be held by you

Please tell me you love me too

When I’m with you

My anxiety is far gone

When I see you smile

I feel my cheeks go hot

When I meet you eyes

I want to get lost

In the ocean of color

I want to

To point me out to your friends

Saying, “Yeah. That’s her.”

When you kiss me

Kiss me slow

When you know you love me

Tell me so

I don’t know what to do

I wouldn’t know where to go

If I didn’t have you

I want to be by myself

Well by myself with you

I don’t know

If I’m making any sense

But isn’t that like us?

Complicated yet simple

Imperfectly perfect

Yeah

That’s you and me

[adventures-of-a-bookflower]

hey everyone ✌️

life is stressful

I can't take anymore

why do I need to know this

I feel like I'm at war

I'm being pulled this way

Being pulled there too

Nothing makes sense anymore

I just want to be next to you

I think about giving up

To just stop caring about the world

Live on my own

maybe go around the world

or even just stay home

but just to have the freedom

to make my life my own

I fit the mold of who you want me to be

I try and be every version that you want to see

I try to be the perfect daughter

The supportive friend

A loving family member

A good student

But it gets hard

Every single day

Sometimes I don't even want to say

Hey?

Let me crawl under my blankets

Please let me rest

Being who every wishes me to be

Is extremely exhausting for me

A'las this is not so

I need to be

Who you see me to be

I need to stand up

And continue to do so

Even when I'm about to fall

[adventures-of-a-bookflower]

hey idk what this is but yeet *throws self on bed*

I'm sorry that I love you

I'm sorry that I care

I know you don't want me too

I'm really well aware

I just can't help it

I love every part of you

The sad

The depressed

The funny

The kind

I want to call every part mine

Maybe that's why you don't feel the same

You feel you're too broken to be loved

Well I'm here too tell you

I'm a mess too

I love you oh so dearly

I express it rather clearly

But we are both too emotionally blind

Maybe I should make a sign

I don't know much

About emotions and such

But this much I do know

I love you oh so

I care a little too much

And treasure every touch

Remember every conversation

And even thought this is a new sensation

I know

I

Love

You

You calm every storm

You conquer all my fears

Just oh my dear

I need you near

My mind grows louder

My anxiety grows stronger

When I don't have you there

Some how some way

Having you here

Makes me feel

Pretty Okay

[adventures-of-a-bookflower]

anxiety hits hard y'all.

So I actually had a pretty okay day today. I had a lot of moments w/my crush and I saw my friends and ish then I get home and anxiety is like

just landing on my pretty okay day ready to mess it up. I got a head ache and took a bath to try and get rid of it then I get out and anxiety is like talking all of those lies like

"Your so annoying."

"People pity you."

"Why are you like this?"

"What if everyone leaves you?"

Etc etc. You know, anxiety ish. And I texted most of my friends + the person I want to be my person a text like "sorry if im like ever annoying or anything like that and ish." Most of my friends said, you aren't annoying love you." but my friend Res replies with,

bailee

u

are

not

at

all

not even a tiny bit

not a smidge

not even an inkling of annoyance

and it kinda just rlly got through to me. idk. I hate anxiety. My mom doesn't know. She would just say it's cause by my phone or your being dramatic or your not an anxious person. And idk my friends know but they don't relate in the same way that I do. Well except for Res. it's so stupid and weird. like I will literally hold trash in my back pocket so I don't throw it away in front of people. or I won't ever be the first to do anything. I won't get up and grab a paper in class before anyone else, get in line before anyone else, etc etc. I try not to talk infront of crowds alot. Even though I have a loud voice, when I talk I'm only talking to my friends I'm not taking infront of a large group. I probably apologize too much. Idk. But social anxiety is just crap. I wanna stay in bed. I want my crush to text me. That was random and odd. Okay. Bye now.

WAIT ONE MORE THING. I'M RLLY CONFUSED. WTH WTFRIQ ok so when I was using the tags bc Im extra i typed anxiety and the tag "anxiety is fun" came up and if it's Sarcasam then heck yeh but if it's not a whole lot of ppl are lying k bye.

[adventures-of-a-bookflower]

"get on the dang roller coaster Fred!"

Writing Prompt #830

“I’m not strong enough. I’m scared, I change my mind, I—”

“C’mon, it’s too late, we already paid. We’ve been waiting for this for so, so long! You’ve already committed, so it’s time to follow through.”

[adventures-of-a-bookflower]

I socialized B

guess what? I went to a lit social event tonight. It was pretty lit. now I'm sister sleepy. and when I get sister sleepy I get sister delusional. sooo my stupid self decided to post up on my Tumblr yeeteth. im sleepy. im tired. hehehe. I wanna snuggle with my crush. i want him to hold me. i think i love him. we compliment one another. i think i wov him alot. Non-sleepy me is going to regurt posting this but like IDC at the moment b. he is so kewt. like sis 😓😍😍 and he has rlly pretty eyes. and he is just so adorably stupid. Hehe okay imma shut up before I admit any other embarrassing fact hehe.