adiaryofmecoping

[adiaryofmecoping]

i feel  like im drowning

im having a bad day.

i dont know how to feel better.

im still hurting and its been months. i took a boiling hot shower to feel like i was being hugged by someone warm. 

i just wanna feel okay but theres this overwhelming sad feeling that i just cant shake and its bumming me out. 

theres a throbbing in my chest. its heavy, makes me feel like i cant breathe.

im fighting off panic attacks on my own.

I hope i get better soon because im really tired of all this. 

im tired of your ghost that seems to haunt me even when i thought id let go of the pain.

i know itll get better eventually but when?

[adiaryofmecoping]

Status: doing okay

I’ve been keeping really busy of late. Lots of assessments keeping me occupied, as well as work and other weekend plans. I’ve been going to the rugby games, it’s nice to be able to yell at a bunch players along with 9,000+ other people. 

Sometimes people mention you and I acknowledge to myself that they don’t bring you up to hurt me. I’m really proud of myself for that. I think about what happened not to dwell but to desensitise myself to the pain. Freeing myself from the fear of you and the hurt of the memories.

Truth is, I don’t actually hate you. I loved you too much to hate you. I hope you are happy but I also hope to never see you again. 

I think the time is helping and just making plans constantly. I didn’t believe my friends when they told me that keeping busy is the only way to get through it but they were right, lol and I love them for it. <3

[adiaryofmecoping]

Status: in my feels

I’ve been good. I’ve been making plans to see people or doing something every single day and it’s been good. 

Today would’ve been a special day of sorts but it’s now just a regular one. I decided to put our memories into an album - I named it “Shitbox”, not after you. A friend told me about hers (shitbox) - its a box of things that you don’t need but you keep because you don’t know how to deal with them or don’t know what to do with. You put everything in the shitbox and over time when you go through it, if you’re ready to deal with it or get rid of them you do. It’s a nice way to deal with pain.

I hid the album so I don’t have to see it but eventually I’ll put it on a USB or something that will magically disappear?? I was going to let them just stay deleted but I guess I felt like some of those memories were happy ones - I don’t know if you were happy in them but I was. Why should give them up because its done? I don’t know. At least this way I can delete the whole bunch when I’m ready. 

I’m not there...yet.

[adiaryofmecoping]

Status: dull ache

The past couple days have been good. I’ve been focusing on school and making sure that my assignments are being done ahead of time. I haven’t felt like my heart is choking and that’s really awesome.

I am still bummed. It hurts in little bursts.

I’m getting better at calming myself down whenever I feel tears coming because you know what - it wasn’t meant to be. Not to get all weird and fate-y but if it was going to work it would’ve - you would’ve tried. So there’s no point having me mope about you when you don’t really care so let’s just worry about me for a bit.

I know it’ll be okay eventually but I’m glad that I’ve had a good stretch of days. 

:)

[adiaryofmecoping]

Status: good

I had a really solid day today. I woke up, had some porridge for breakfast - I think I put a little too much milk in it though so it was a slightly more runny than I would’ve liked but hey it was still pretty good. 

The sun was out and I managed to find a free seat on the bus. For the first time in forever, I had studied before class and didn’t feel clueless hahaha. I found out I had test in my afternoon session but some quick study during the hour break and I passed wooo! 

I did think about her but it didn’t hurt me as much. I felt good today, not heavy, not sad - just solid and good. Thank you so much (I don’t know who I’m thanking - God? The Earth? Myself?) 

Anyhow, I had a good day and I’m super grateful for it. I know that I’m gonna have downs but man was it good to just have a nice day.