actually-me-apparently - Tumblr blog

[actually-me-apparently]

♡        india eisley,        gif icons.

click on the source link to be redirected to 164 gifs of india eisley in every breath you take. all gifs were made from scratch by me, but you can crop or edit these as you like for personal use only, so don’t claim as your own or redistribute. please, don’t forget to like or reblog if you plan on using! if you would like to support me, i do have a ko-fi ( ☕ ) under slashersz. it will be very much appreciated. thank you!

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If 2020 were a gif 😏😬👊

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TWD villians as Dril tweets

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hi, i miss my grandma

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No one can steal your virginity since they can’t become a virgin again. They just destroy your virginity.

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((hmu in a private message if u wanna cut yourself, ive been there aaand ill see what i can do for you <3))

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hey, I know you Mickey. in case you or anyone else wasn't aware, you're a truly bad fucking person. i only say that, or maybe tell you you're 'completely disgusting', but that's because there is no word with a definition enlarged beyond reasonableness to describe how profoundly awful you truly are. i just think it's important that people know this about you. have a nice day.

((oof… hopefully i sent this one to myself too. if yr trying to hurt me, like, legit trying to trigger me, and you’d rather send anon hate instead of talking it out, welp! it’s working.  it hurts. you’re hurting me.  and the fear of someone spreading this scared me off tumblr almost completely. the way you describe me is pretty hyperbolic, but i cant start fixing myself if we can’t talk it out.  and maybe?  you’re wrong.

look, if it’s important that ppl kno how profoundly awful i truly am, why should i keep myself around?  wouldn’t it be better to just die?? like, yr in luck, cuz my brain screams shit like this at me all the time. but considering ive never hurt anyone, never scammed anyone, never stolen, took care of my dying grandma through the very night she left the world, intend to do the same for my parents, aunts and uncles (my [really great] siblings and cousins help out with this, it’ll be a team effort - that’s what makes it bearable, which we now know from experience]… look man, i do direct support for a living, giving showers, doing range-of-motion to incrementally massage away atrophy, joke around using whatever sense of humor appeals to *them* specifically to make them laugh… some people can’t move on their own and need position adjustments to prevent bed sores, some people can’t spoon feed themselves, so I gotta do it *for* them… got used to shit b/c I change a lot of briefs… *so many briefs* upwards of like 3 dozen a week, and I could do it less frequently cuz it’s work, it’s awkward heavy lifting, I’m tiny and it can be hard on my back, but I understand that hanging out in a wet or dirty brief isn’t comfortable.  See, I have *empathy*.  

Wanna know something? Rhetorical question cuz, no, you don’t wanna know this, I promise.  I spent an entire night once reporting comments and accounts that were participating in tearing apart people who have children with profound special needs on youtube.  Those accounts are gone now, I may’ve had something to do w/ it ( tho i was hopefully not the ONLY person reporting the fucked up accounts)... that shit meant something to me.  A truly, indescribably disgusting person would typically not worry abt shit like that. imo.

See here, perspective is everything, and in MY life... welp, tHEY - the profoundly disabled pple whom i work for - are *far* more important than YOU are, and whomever else you think needs to know abt my indescribably awfulness doesn’t matter as much as the ppl whom i work for, whom i *help* in the kinds of daily tasks that u and I take for granted.  So... when i feel like i dont deserve to live, i think abt my my mom, my dad, my boyfriend, my siblings, my foster brother, the ppl i work for and anyone else who’d be really sad if i killed myself because one or two ppl want me to fuck off forever.  ill try to ‘have a nice day’, despite how sarcastic that “curtosy” was and how badly u wanna hurt me w/ it, and with the rest of the message and/or other messages like this.  as for you? i hope with age, u can find peace, and maybe approach me to talk it out, b/c i believe i can change yr mind. so im gonna go stop crying, i gotta get up early to get 3 profoundly disabled people on hospice ready for day program.

and, for real; if im feeling suicidal, ill hug one of the guys i work for, stroke his scalp [touching them is part of their sensory schedule - they need huge sensory input to really engage], and the smiles i get?  worth it.  they let me know that im doing a good job, the ppl i work for appreciate my company, and THEY don’t think im a bad person.  THEY’RE the ones who matter… them and my mom, my dad, my boyfriend, the friends I have who would never do this kind of shit ^^ and who’d, yanno, *talk to me* if i piss them off, so we can hopefully reconcile.  THAT’S what good ppl do.  sending hate anons?  for real??? i used to have problems with self injury… u might wanna trigger me, and you may think i deserve it, [for the record, i never self injured cuz i thought i ‘deserved it’, i did it cuz i wanted to *feel*, you kno… *something*], but i dont deserve that, and i don’t deserve to feel like i should die… no matter how YOU feel, or WHAT you tell me over anon.oh, here’s me being abt as vindictive as i get:  you do realize there are ppl in the world who dont just MAKE or ENJOY exploitation films, rite? there are real, legit Ted Bundys, murderers, cult leaders, Nazi sympathizers, rapists [atm yr talking to a rape VICTIM who retconned a character to take rape out of a backstory]… all kinds of *truly bad people* who do unspeakable things.  to say abt them what you do abt me might NOT be hyperbolic. legit, hmu if you wanna talk things out (and u can be civil… cuz i *don’t* wanna get triggered, that’s a feeling that i go thru great lengths to avoid b/c it’s no. joke.

now *I* mean this sincerely:  hey, u?? have a nice day…  week… year… i hope your life goes ok.  hopefully mine will, i have insurance now, and i got a referral to a psychiatrist.  it’s kinda helping. i guess. *this* is not, but that’s prolly yr goal, so… umm, try to find peace within yourself, find some perspective, find forgiveness as a result and, again, try and have a really good day. it’ll suit you well.  i’ll try to do the same, even tho i get the feeling that you don’t actually want that for me.  it’s ok tho, i do my best to put that toxic stuff out of my mind anyway.

anyhoo, if it’s important for ppl to kno that ‘completely disgusting’ doesn’t hold a candle to any word that could describe me, cuz nothing - no word in existence - has a definition substantial enough to encompass the unfathomable degree it would take to illustrate the unreasonableness of how profoundly awful i truly am, then *I* think it’s important for all these (hopefully very few ppl) to get a little context, too.  i mean, *maybe* i’d use that kind of language if someone was, like, hurting my sister, but jfc, man!  you’d have to be hurting my sister.(( and u talk to me like i hurt.  your sister.  i was your *friend*.... like, OUCH! i wipe butts for a living, i do not hurt ppl, maybe my subconscious can be a lil fucked up, but my own imagination is what I’ve got to help MYSELF thru some things.))

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hey, I know you Mickey. in case you or anyone else didn't know, you're a fucking bad person. as in 'disgusting' is too tame a word to use when describing you. just think it's important that people know this about you.

((i sent this to myself, to practice confronting one of my biggest fears if i were to ever choose to run a group.  i think a great way to do that would obviously be to shield myself behind a character… i adore me some IN CHARACTEr drama, conflict, even hate… all *that* is the whole point of roleplay, and of storytelling in general! but i’ve been pretty honestly traumatized by some ooc shit that went down, that came from, in one case, a place of complete trust and respect - in other words, i was suddenly rejected in an incredibly uncharacteristically cruel manner from one of the most emotionally and creatively supportive, empathetic and compassionate and mature individuals whom i’ve ever met.legit drama is a legit trigger for me… and ‘trigger’ is not a word that i use lightly.  trigger warning overkill makes me incredibly uncomfortable, because it’s effectively turned into a joke to some people, diluting the gravity of something that makes some people - not most, but some, including myself - feel like they are dying.  or that they want to die… which is why i wouldn’t put Styrofoam, clowns, my own phone ringing, being stabbed with needles, losing my grandma whom i was incredibly close to, certain experiences with sex abuse, global warming, the way sentient prey has to die just so the sentient animals above it on the food chain can eat, or the fear of hurting or killing someone in a traffic accident on a trigger warning list.  Those things, ranging from bullshit that profoundly bothers me, to the shit that makes me cry and even keeps me up at night, don’t actually cut it for a list of ‘triggers’ in tumblr rp.  i do not.  use the word ‘trigger’.  lightly.the fear that everyone hates you isn’t uncommon, and to say that’s always been a big one for me is kind of an understatement.  my brain is constantly screaming about it at me, and when it gets validated… ho boy.  that means i now need to entertain all that screaming; it’s been legitimized. it’s a voice assuring me that i’m a charisma vacuum with no talent, no wit, no likability, no tact, no ability to connect with others, intentions that come off as malicious, even though they’re not [because, honestly… really, they never are.  ever. ive literally never meant to upset anyone out of character {lol, thats what irl boyfriends are for, duh}, so when i do it, im as upset with myself as anyone ever gets], and i can’t even tell myself that it’s wrong, or even that it’s just a little hyperbolic.  what i did was not intentional, and i believe i could’ve explained myself in a sufficient manner if i’d been given the chance, but hearing shit like this anon ive sent myself, followed by the phrase ‘i never want to hear from you again’ is thoroughly effective way to chase me off tumblr rp for a long, long time.  if simply *hearing* from me would make someone even a little upset… well, i really don’t want to upset anyone!  i used to love notifications, but one night’s worth of very one-sided fighting was enough to make me terrified of them for, like, a year.and cognitively i understand that this anger was misdirected, and thrown my way at least in part because i sided with the ‘wrong’ person, then reached out to *that* person when i was triggered (again - i do not fuck around with that word.  i really needed help).  a little effort on my part might’ve fixed what was really just some miscommunication, but this fear of being hated and of making people angry is very real.))

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