aceislonely

[aceislonely]

"sex positive" people throwing consent out the window as soon as someone has a boundary they don't like:

[aceislonely]

I'm gonna be completely honest I'm starting to get tired of people going 'aces can have sex' 'asexuality is a SPECTRUM' in my reblogs every time I post about asexuality where I literally haven't implied or said otherwise and I've honestly thought about deleting some of them. Like... I know guys. I know. I'm either speaking on my own experience which isn't sex favourable or from a Black and/or lesbian POV of asexuality which would include sex favourable aces anyway so it should go without saying.

It's getting similar to how I see 'lesbians can have sex with men'. I'm fully aware lesbians have the physical means to do so, but I wouldn't wanna hear that in a lesbian space for centring the experiences of people who don't, especially lesbians who were coerced and/or forced into doing so. As long as lesbophobia exists, that statement can't be neutral and the wider context will always shape how I see it. I don't need to be reminded I can conform to the thing I'm actively going against. I don't want to and I can't.

We can acknowledge how diverse and varied a community is but it's disingenuous to pretend there's a single uniform experience throughout. Going 'everyone is valid' is cute but it doesn't address the specific problem, which is compulsory sexuality. In this case, the constant need to derail sex repulsed, averse and indifferent aces in our own posts and conversations does compulsory sexuality's job for it. I'm reminded of my 'wasted' sexual potential on a regular basis I don't need my own community doing it too.

As respectfully as possible, not every single asexual post is gonna personally represent you. I don't go into aro spaces and expect to be centred or represented because those weren't made for me and that's okay. Asexuality is a wide spectrum with lots of sides. I'm not part of all those sides and that's okay.

[aceislonely]

A lot of you make statements pathologising or demonising lack of sex as physically, mentally or socially abnormal then slap 'asexuality is valid' & 'oh but I'm not talking about asexuals I'm talking about NORMAL people' at the end like it does something. It doesn't.

Any and every piece of rhetoric that treats human sexlessness as a lesser form of humanity throws ace people under the bus, even sex favourable aces. Whilst attraction =/= action a lot of aces lack of sex correlates with their identity and it puts the onus on sex favourable aces to be 'one of the good ones' and that's not real support. Plus, it implies non-asexual people are acceptable targets if they fail the sexual quota. They're not even if they're not asexual because bodily autonomy isn't an exclusive pass - it's for everyone.

So yeah, everytime you make them posts about the human brain being programmed for sex or how to be #really queer means to be a sexual being, or how being happy and healthy hinges on being horny or giggle about how everyone needs to have more sex to fix this societal problem and political problem or how real art needs to be horny or whatever then yeah, you might get a posse of those 'annoying' asexuals in your mentions. If anything, all this response shows is that you're not ready to accept your understanding of sexual attraction and what you've been taught it's supposed to be isn't the default, and when you come across sexuality different to it you feel then need to shut it down because it's a 'threat' to your idea of normal human sexuality. It isn't.

[aceislonely]

Please help me move out

My mum's house has been derelict and hoarded my whole life. It's causing physical problems for my hygiene and health and it's reached breaking point mentally. I don't know what else to do.

I've been looking for work since July and had some interviews but nothing yet. Currently trying to sort out something where I can stay with my relatives but if this doesn't work I'm stuck here. I've been offering art comms all year to support myself but had no orders. Any comm requests, small tips or at least sharing this post would go so far. Thank you.

K*-fi: iamjennaart

P*ypal: iamjennaart

£50/£5,000

[aceislonely]

Peoples response to asexuality says a lot about them.

If a person says “oh but how could you force your partner to give up sex?” that’s an indication of something pretty terrible. Because what’s the alternative? I let them coerce me into something I’ve told them I don’t want to do? Pretty sure that would be them committing a crime.

If a person thinks dating an asexual is a terrible fate they probably don’t actually value meaningful relationships. And that’s not to say that wanting sex to be part of a relationship is a bad thing, if sex really means that much to you fine, that’s something you can navigate, but don’t place the blame on an asexual partner. Your partner does not owe you their body regardless of whether they’re asexual or allosexual. And if you think dating someone who might force you to not have sex with them for awhile is a terrible fate, you need to look within and figure out why you think you deserve their body before they’re ready.

When people treat asexuals like a burden in romantic relationships, you’re telling us that you think a romantic relationship means you’re owed sex. So ladies and gentlefolk of any sexuality, if your partner starts talking about how difficult it would be to date an asexual and how selfish it would be to make a partner give up sex, maybe call them out on participating in rape culture, because that’s much more likely to cause them to think about it than simply calling it acephobia.

[aceislonely]

i'm not aplatonic (as far as i know) but man do i feel this. a good chunk of the aspec community is alienating to me i because i don't have a strong sense of platonic love.

it's like, if you lack romantic attraction, sexual attraction, or both, you are expected to put extra emphasis on friendships to 'make up' for your deficiencies. prioritising romance and sex is the result of amatonormative brainwashing, but prioritising friendship is the good and natural order of things. but remember, hierarchical prioritisation should be destroyed. as long as everyone still prioritises friendship!... and no one notices the bald-faced hypocrisy.

the relationship hierarchy is not being torn down, it's being renovated.

being apl in aspec communties sucks sm. everything is all about how important platonic relationships are and "dismantling relationship heirarchies", while just building new ones. it feels super unwelcoming.

like yea sure to YOU sexual/romantic relationships don't mean anything/are devalued/etc, but not to all of us!! some of us LIKE those things, and MORE than platonic relationships. its like we rnt even aspec at all 2 these people, like sorry some of us go against the grain of society while still having certain ""non queer"" parts to our identity. i feel like we are seen as not aspec/lgbt enough to participate in those communities. so much about the aspec communtity is about how untalked about we are and how we are never included or thought about in discussions, but aro and ace communtities do the same to us!!!

.

[aceislonely]

A lot of you make statements pathologising or demonising lack of sex as physically, mentally or socially abnormal then slap 'asexuality is valid' & 'oh but I'm not talking about asexuals I'm talking about NORMAL people' at the end like it does something. It doesn't.

Any and every piece of rhetoric that treats human sexlessness as a lesser form of humanity throws ace people under the bus, even sex favourable aces. Whilst attraction =/= action a lot of aces lack of sex correlates with their identity and it puts the onus on sex favourable aces to be 'one of the good ones' and that's not real support. Plus, it implies non-asexual people are acceptable targets if they fail the sexual quota. They're not even if they're not asexual because bodily autonomy isn't an exclusive pass - it's for everyone.

So yeah, everytime you make them posts about the human brain being programmed for sex or how to be #really queer means to be a sexual being, or how being happy and healthy hinges on being horny or giggle about how everyone needs to have more sex to fix this societal problem and political problem or how real art needs to be horny or whatever then yeah, you might get a posse of those 'annoying' asexuals in your mentions. If anything, all this response shows is that you're not ready to accept your understanding of sexual attraction and what you've been taught it's supposed to be isn't the default, and when you come across sexuality different to it you feel then need to shut it down because it's a 'threat' to your idea of normal human sexuality. It isn't.

[aceislonely]

Hey, just wanted to come by and say your post from October 12th about lack of sexual attraction being linked to not wanting to have sex for some people really really helped me a lot as another ace person.

Had somebody recently act as if I can't be sex repulsed and that I somehow shouldn't be because that's... 'not what the identity is'. And, idk. Sorry for rambling in your ask box, but your post just made me feel very seen. I know for a lot of people that things are separate and different, but for me and a lot of people like me they *are* tied together and that's not a bad thing to talk about.

I hope you have a nice day, wherever you are in the world. Take care.

it's so nice to hear my post helped you!! that's all i can ever ask for when i make those sorts of posts. you've made my day :)

i'm so sorry you were treated like that, it's not right. i've seen multiple people say they've been treated poorly by other ace people for being sex repulsed/averse. it's so backwards

and please don't apologise! if you ever feel the need to ramble again my asks are always open

thank you for the nice words, and i hope you take care as well :)

[aceislonely]

having poor object constancy for people sucks so bad because there's no nice-sounding way to say "i love you and care about you but when you're not around i forget you exist"

[aceislonely]

Where are my fellow touch-starved "I want to be kissed and held but only by one specific person that I haven't met yet and that likely doesn't even exist and if anyone else touches me I will bite their head off" aroaces?

[aceislonely]

When it comes to asexual allyship a lot of people wanna have their cake and eat it too (pun unintended). People like a lil 'aces are valid' moment but don't actually unpack compulsory sexuality. People see sexless queer representation and always clock puritanism before they ever clock asexuality. No one's actually reading the ace theory and texts coming out. Everyone keeps doing surprised Pikachu faces whenever a conservative or TERF says they're against asexuality despite the fact ace activists have been saying since day conservatives are not anti sex but anti sexual autonomy. 'Aces are queer' until we actually are. Even ace support posts keep ending with some expectation or condition that asexuality is #valid as long as asexuals still perform a small quota of sex/sexual activity. I'm so over 'Aces still have sex!' 'Aces are hot' Aces are sexy' 'Aces aren't virgin vanilla prude sexless puritans!' disguised as support.

Like no. Sorry. Until you accept that some asexual people's no is permanent, that some asexual's singleness is permanent, that some asexual's childless-ness is permanent, that some asexuals are the 'no' in little to no sexual attraction and i'd say most importantly, that queer sexlessness isn't a biological, social or moral failing, I don't believe you'll ever genuinely support asexuality. (In reverse, I also feel similar about aromanticism and romance).

Like a lot of u haven't gone beyond 'the a isn't for ally' and it shows. I don't want people to support asexuals just because we're soooo hot or because we write the best smut apparently or because we could have hypothetical sex or because we could do hypothetical kink or because our minds are soooo dirty actually or because we'd do romance reallllyyyy well or because we can still have kids or because asexuals hand out water bottles at the orgy or some shit. I want people to support asexuality because no sexuality is deviant and it's basic human decency.

[aceislonely]

hi! may I ask why you'd be against an open relationship? I obv get why you wouldn't want your partner to have other romantic relationships or ongoing arrangements where there's a chance they'll fall in love (I'm against that as well), but even though I consider myself monogamous, I think I'm going to tell my partner that they can have like one night stands or something, because to me it seems like a reasonable compromise. but idk if is there something I'm not considering.. is it a bad idea? or just your personal preference? sorry I'm just curious because we seem to have kinda similar opinions on this type of stuff but i don't get this one opinion of yours in particular ^^"

hello :)

yeah it's really just personal preference. for me exclusivity is part of what makes a committed relationship appealing in the first place, and without it... tbh i just wouldn't be interested. it's kind of hard to explain but that's the gist of it

[aceislonely]

i automatically distrust anyone who refers to sex as a need

[aceislonely]

It's "representation is important!" and "queer people need to see themselves in media!" until it's aro/ace people. Then it's: "uhhg that's what fandom is for!"🙄"uhm, why do you need canon representation?"🙄"Can't you just HEADCANON it like a normal person?"🙄

[aceislonely]

Love without Sex

I’m doing a Philosophy paper on Asexuality. Please reblog if you think Love without Sex is possible! I really need the data. Like if you think love has to have sex.

[aceislonely]

I worked really hard to love myself and usually I do, but man, sometimes being asexual really sucks.

Like. I’m isolated from my peer group in a pretty fundamental way. Everyone thinks I’m innocent or selfish or a prude, and the longer I go without seeking out sex the stronger these perceptions get despite the fact I am a grown woman. I have no connection and no desire to participate in the one thing every piece of media I have consumed since the age of eleven has touted as not only the most important thing in the universe but the act that makes us human. I search for love but sex is a caveat and I’m told over and over to either have an open relationship (which I wouldn’t want as a monogamous person) or I’m shit outta luck because no one wants a sexless relationship. Whether they see me as a prude or selfish or broken, the word asexual from other people- whether it is known or not- is usually either mocking or pitying. Just. It’s exhausting and I’m tired of feeling like a defective human because there this huge thing everyone else wants and I want it as far away from me as possible

I dunno. It just really sucks.

[aceislonely]

You never have to have sex. Ever.