abitchinthelife

[abitchinthelife]

I woke up with no anxiety at all..... toto by africa really changed my life. best alarm ever

[abitchinthelife]

so I've started college again and its been.... something. my roomies are overall a blast but yknow sometimes I make shit up and sabotage good things so I'm trying to be level and not let myself get carried away w dumb insecurities.

art classes are the worst and I don't even know if my major is worth it. might switch to something else. something so I could do art therapy or be a therapist or smth like that one day. I lack social skills I feel but not all the time and maybe I could do it!! if its smth I genuinely want to do I think that would make it less stressful and worth it bc it would be enjoyable too.

for now I'm still in 3 art classes and ive got assignments bouta be due. so I'm gonna do at least 3 hrs on the cow skull today and an hr on my technical drawings. monday I can do 2 hrs more on the cow skull.

I wanted to get everything done today but my alarm didn't go off and I don't feel motivated at all. I just want to be doing something in my life that excites me, yknow? that I'm like shit they pay me to do this? shit I would do this for free cause I love it so much! drawing.... does not feel like that. maybe I'd feel different about actual graphic design. but I still think I'm not creative enough for it. but does that mean I'm letting my insecurity keep me from smth I want and I'm finding excuses to get out of it?

I just don't know if it excites me. or if I'm any good at it. I don't know.

[abitchinthelife]

it would be fantastic if a single day could go by without me being crushed by anxiety, that would be lovely.

[abitchinthelife]

and Kiwi and Date and Melon been chillin straight every day this week and its difficult not to feel left out. Blueberry is busy. but yknow I'll call them all Friday and see wassup. to let em know I'm still alive. cause Kiwis been shit as responding andits really been making me upset. but ig they're just overwhelmed rn but still bish u can call for a fucking minute.

I talked to Date today abt some serious stuff they've been thinking abt and they like left me on read after I gave them advice. lol. its okay. then they all go chill together. but I'm making new friends and I've got my other friends with me soo like if I can't control if they don't want to respond to me or not. so imma just give a quick call on friday- when im actually FREE- and like remind them I still exist.

I sound v salty and I am but I'm also lowkey okay about it bc I know its just like that. distance is a bitch and gays cant text for shit ig.

okay imma clean my room and then sleep cause imma really need it lmao.

[abitchinthelife]

also art classes and my schedule in whole has been stressful but I'll be used to in a few weeks! so yea. just gotta keep with it.

livin w Kat and J and C is a good time so far and M is over often so we're our own lil fam. with 4 of them dating. but its cool its dope I need to figure my life out first then maybe I'll date someone lmao.

[abitchinthelife]

ya girl made 3 new friends today!! kinda liking my art classes a lot more now! social anxiety whom??

[abitchinthelife]

my first night in the new place! its 1am and my folks did just the best thing ever- they finally left. I appreciate everything they've done and their intentions but also fuck them for making me feel so goddamn awful. like literally existing around my dad is turned into a battle and I get to exhausted to fight anymore. I literally cried in a Walmart today. I'm fucking tired of it no one should ever be made so upset they start breaking down in shitting Walmart.

I'm also bodily exhausted as well. like I need sleep big time. we're going to the beach tmrw so that'll be a cool, relaxing afternoon! then when we get back I'll use my bike to scope out the shuttles in the nearby neighborhoods. and maybe cook to get ready for this coming week. also told dan to call me tmrw and I outta call kass and maybe beck too. cause my best friends!! I miss em!! not really totally feeling the connection w beck TBH so I'm trying to try more so I do feel that bond.

I really need to destress and reset my brain so I can truly relax again and be excited to be with my orlando bitches and this coming week of college and my new classes and getting my room together. need to regain my mental strength. I think I'm really sort of weak in that aspect so I suppose its something I need to work on. like. mental strength. I need to not give up and stay strong when things are tough. that sort of thing.

I really need rest so maybe I'll write more abt it tmrw but maybe not cause who wants to think abt that shitshow yikes. Goodnight!

[abitchinthelife]

moving day!!!!!

I'm so excited to be living like a Real Adult all on my own (well with roommates but yknow what I mean) for the first time ever!!!

I already miss Jasmine so much. and arrow and rocky to a lesser extent but she was meowing all on the way to the vet. it was so hard to see her all scared and upset like that and it being my last time seeing her. what a shit goodbye. but rose will send me a pic of her when they get home.

the day started out good but dad's being misogynistic and rude to me and Rose for literally not 100% agreeing on every fucking word he breathes. sorry we got fully functioning brains and your ideas aren't always (or even usually) the best. theres a billion ways to do things but if anyone disagrees w his way he's such a whiny bitch. I was in a really good mood but he kinda set it back a little.

everything is in the car and we just started driving!!! I can't wait to go buy my desk and etc and move all my stuff out into MY room. its my room!! I'm very excited if it wasn't obvious! so I think it'll be a good day if dad gets his bullshit under wraps and we can all be like a normal functional family.

I miss Kiwi and Date and Blueberry already but!!!!!! no I just miss them. I'm thinking of things to do to keep in touch. Like taking pics of them to add to keep in my room so I can see them every day :-) and I can call them while were in college and ask abt their classes!! especially Kiwi omg. and I'll keep watching Yuri on Ice and we can talk abt that too. and I can send them my hero shitposts in the gc. ofc I will be calling them, ideally often but let's see.

I also want to make more friends this year!! Its kinda a goal for me. The lgbt club will be dope for that and I think volunteering could give me some opportunities. But maybe just going to my classes I'll be able to make some cool new friends. Or I could go to other neat events- there's always posters in the art building for some interesting stuff going on. Just some ideas but really there's so many ways to befriend others at UCF so I think I can at least make a good attempt! I also need to text McKenzie just in case she still would want to talk to me lol.

[abitchinthelife]

and Kiwi was almost crying the first time we tried saying bye djdnskdn

[abitchinthelife]

RIGHT and Date rested their head on my shoulder abt three times oh god I'm so soft rn

[abitchinthelife]

I love Kiwi and Date so much

they're my best friends in the entire world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

its my last day before I go to orlando. I spent the first half wallowing in depression and the second half with my best friends. so we went to five guys and ate and talked abt voltron. then to litchi to see Blueberry cuz Date lowkey really misses them. and Kiwi is always missing Blueberry. I got a strawberry mango smoothie and it was eh. rainbow jellys were still sick tho. always gonna get those. then we went back to chez-moi and we were talking trying to figure out what to do/watch and I suggested Yuri on ice and they immediately jumped on that. gays live for Yuri on ice.

I really wanted to cuddle Kiwi and Date and so I sorta latched my arm around both of them and tried to touch them except when they moved. I'd always bring my arm back, because. Its what I wanted. and gays are scared of being affectionate and rejection and taking the first step and all that shit so I wanted to be brave and go for what I want. And I did and it turned out great. I still feel warm inside. So we were like that on my bed watching on my laptop (cause we stopped watching on my TV after ep 3)

ok so note Yuri on ice is so good and once I get my stuff settled in I'm gonna call Date and/or Kiwi and watch it. I think it'll be a bit before I've taken everything out of the boxes and my folks are back down but. I've got an idea and imma try to make it come true. but all the characters are so cool like design wise and just gayyyy and interesting overall! their stories are so diverse and meaningful and the character delopment loving bitch in me is nutting.

then came time for Kiwi and Date to leave. I got soooo many hugs. I usually get too hyperaware to hug with my whole heart in it but today I was very sentimental and just in love with my friends. I was so aware of the absence of them after today will be like. I hugged them in my room.

then I walked them out. and hugged them outside my door cause Kiwi wanted to get the last hug but Date is a spiteful hoe and then that evolved to the last boob touch and then Date jokingly dragged me to their car and I hugged Kiwi again and gave them a kiss on the cheek. I just really wanted to give them one in that moment. Still the amount I wanted to do it, the intensity of my affection, scared me so that I overexaggerated it a little so like as a self defensive thing. Kiwi loved it. I went over to Date who was already seated in the car and gave them one too. they smiled sorta and I couldn't really see where they were looking, and they didn't return the kiss, but I just smiled at them bc I love them so much. I know they love me too. and I don't need them to do anything more than they already do so I know. Date is just awkward some times with affection and its ok.

next time I feel like they don't care... I just need to show that I care. and tell them what I'm feeling. reaching out and asking for affirmation is so much better than fabricating all these fake insecurity -driven stories in my brain.

I love Kiwi and Date so much. I truly do. I feel so loved and I've got so much love in return. I'm going to think up all sorts of nice things I can do for them. Just because I want them to know and feel it. My love for them. God I'm so gay and over the top but I've never loved any of my friends more!! I'm my true self around them.

ok. so I'm gonna stop talking abt it cuz I should think abt tomorrow. its almost 1am so I'll do my skin care routine and set my alarm for 8:30. I can sleep in the car drive. and we'll need time later that day to go shopping for my desk and chair and bed frame and maybe some allergy things. god this will be exciting! cause soon I'll be going grocery shopping with Kat and I'll truly be living on my own for the first time in my life, not including the dorm. less excited for my classes but god I'll figure something out, I'm just gonna think more abt my friends bc I've never felt softer.

[abitchinthelife]

stop being like this so I can want to not violently stab myself and/or wallow miserably in bed all day:

• dumb (my brain don't fuckin work- so no sugar)

• lacking empathy and being numb

• being a cowardly ass bitch

[abitchinthelife]

one day I'll ask for the affection I crave

[abitchinthelife]

why do i always create these elaborate ass fantasies (explanations really but they’re so crazy) to excuse others random and insignificant actions. and then i genuinely begin to believe them. its so weird and extra and i despise them 

why does my brain do these things, me allowing this shit is also why i let my weird/negative thoughts color over the way i observe things. everyone does that but my thoughts are especially negative and weird so i cant let myself do that shit. and i think i do it more extensively than whats normal

i just want to be free from myself.

[abitchinthelife]

got together w Kiwi Melon Date and Blueberry and it sucks ass. Date and Melon literally just so into each other and then sorta into Blueberry.

I just want to leave lmao.

[abitchinthelife]

2018- July 29th

since the fucking thing I was using to journal fucked my entry and ate it I'm using this instead. bc its convenient and I can write anywhere and its more normal than furiously writing in a notebook. so. let's do this

last night fell asleep watching dream daddy on youtube. after talking w Kiwi and the events of the day I needed to like dick around. so i did. woke up to Kiwi fighting with their mom. went back to sleep like the stubborn sleepy bitch I am. again woke up, actually stayed awake this time. about 11? so good, i'm amazing showing so much self discipline.

SO Kiwi and I chilled. and we were making plans for the day. which included Melon. which was chill except Kiwi was driving me a little crazy with like the intense mood changes. bitch broke down like 14 times yesterday. understandable since Melon was threatening suicide. but like can u compartmentalize a bit? i'm doing it fine. mostly. I did fine w it overall. u kno I'd say if I didn't cause I love dragging myself so ya its true.

kiwi is just a lot. lmao. love Kiwi but I'm glad I can get a break now. even my emotionless ass is starting to get bothered.

but what my day was like! you need more details.

so I chilled w Kiwi at first and watched Mortemor (suzzy!!!! started my baes Overwatch content she's a wonder a blessing a treasure.) slightly overwhelmed with so much going on I left, and didn't really get to relax cause I was with my dad doing some chores. but it was still sorta relaxing anyway. eventually Melon come and got me. me and Melon were talking and it was a good fucking time man. its nice to make a new friend. like we've known each other for a while but only until today do I consider them close to me. some issues w Kiwi and we went on a side quest to get their key but it was solved. we got Kiwi and we were offfff

Melon and Kiwi and I drove to the mall and it was liiiiiiiiit like it was so much fun at first Melon is amazing. like so fun and genuine. I love Kiwi and they try a lot which I appreciate. but little things Kiwi did- I think trying to take me from Melon (like I was about to sit next to Melon but Kiwi gave me This Look Like You're Not Sitting Next To Me????) (and trying to hold my hand at the mall. Melon seemed uncomfy) (aaand something else I can't remember it was small but it was the start of a downfall)

so Melon never said anything. never said it was Kiwis fault. don't think Kiwis noticed at all the correlation LMAO this bitch tires me love em tho. Melon never even admitted anything was wrong. just said they were "tired". so I let it drop.

but at least most of the time at the mall was fun. the ending was iffy.

we went to Wendys next and that's when I asked if they're okay and Melon gave us the "I'm fine just tired." then went to the bathroom like this bitch seemed so uncomfy and tense. I went into the bathroom and asked if they were good, got an affirmative, then I left cause. im used to giving space not forcing others. came back in again cus i didnt wanna be a lil cowardly bitch and i thought they sniffled? and I was like dam u crying. but not aloud cause i'm a coward u see. I was like Melon? U good? Melon was like yea just shitting bro. I was like cool.

Melon came out. In a much better mood. still not looking at either of us though, but looking. so we went to our last stop, Ross. it was ok? Melon seemed better but still not ok. I was a little focused on getting clothes no lie cause I'm not gonna get a lot of chances to go to the mall before I leave to Orlando. but I tried to keep interacting w Melon and Kiwi even though I'd go off to find my own shit. I'd find em again and be like ayyyy.

I bought some neato clothes and maybe need some reimbursement from my dad. maybe I can go to Walmart this weekend and I can use dads card on some shorts and tees. or just ask for cash lmao. we'll see.

anyway tho. got back from our day out. texted Melon about the sniffling and Melon was like it was just a sniffle I wasnt crying or sum shit lmao. I was like OOPS. Melon was like LMAO. We ended up talking when their family chat went up in fucking flames and their Mom refused to even talk about Melon getting therapy. I've been texting them since.

with Melon almost committing suicide its making me reevaluate the way I treat my friends. I need to try more. I let others come to me w their shit but sometimes I need to make sure they know that I'm there and I will be there for them. even in unconventional weird ass ways, my favorite way to do things. so I'm trying to say fuck feeling uncofmy expressing emotions I'm gonna be vulnerable and be there for my friends. I'll stick it out. like so far I've been trying to make Date feel better bc they wanted to meet w us but Kiwi (my lordy Kiwi) didn't realize they were back and literally wanted to come. and my data failed me so I didn't even know it was a thing until I got back for my lovely wonderful wifi.

since then I've tried to make Date feel better. dunno if it worked but I think the relentlessness will be charming, comforting. not, like, annoying. like I'm mixing tactics of distraction and Acknowledging Things, I at least think its working well. its difficult when to know when Date wants to talk about it (usually not) or wants to a distraction (mostly I think)

with Melon Ive been texting them since their family thing. I think I've been giving good responses. I'm not the master of communication my writing incorrectly may impress upon you, I'm but a socially awkward dumbass. but its been going well.

in fact I think I didn't get any time for myself to do anything at all today. but its fine. tmrw I sure fucking will. ive got all the time to watch youtube vids, watch tv, and study some math. my main activities these days. drawing too. need to do sum of that.

I should call Melon tmrw and Kiwi too. I think Date and Blueberry are working/busy. I know Date is working 100%, dunno Blueberry but I don't like calling Blueberry much. They're just so distracted and idk. I don't like it. Face to face is better but my Android can't even FT them so.

I def need to call R soon. need to get updated. but really I got lots of stuff to be busy with, god make sure I do those things instead of lying around in bed doing nothing all day. thanks.