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I’m back on my meds and I’m feeling 1000% better. I’m a little nervous to go back to CA and be by myself but I think I’m ready. Headed back there tomorrow. Wish me luck.

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Things went from bad to worse after my last post. I started to feel a lot better on Friday and Saturday, but on Sunday and Monday things took a turn. I kept having the chest pains through Sunday and on Monday I woke up at 5am with my right arm completely numb. If I weren't already worried about my heart this wouldn't have been a big deal, but the one thing I know about heat attacks is that if your left arm goes numb you are in trouble. The feeling came back to my arm, but was still a bit tingly. I tried to distract myself by watching TV but when I saw what had happend in Las Vegas I knew that wasn't an option. Luckily my family is on the East coast so I called my Mom. She made me feel a bit better by talking for a while.

I called the doctor later that day and they weren't alarmed by the tingling in my hands. I even found a doctor that had appointments available next week. However, when I told them I was having chest pains they freaked out and told me to go to the emergency room. I tried to tell them I had already been to a doctor but they were being weird. Later in the day I went for a walk but that didn't help much. I texted a friend to see if she was free for dinner. Unfortunately, she wasn't but said her husband was. He and I went to Chick fil a and then back to his place to watch Rick and Morty. My friend arrived a bit later and offered to let me sleep on their couch, but I kindly declined. I was feeling much better after visiting with them.

On Tuesday, things got really bad. I woke up and immediately began to dread the day ahead. I was legitimately unsure how I was going to make it. At that point I decided I wanted to go home to visit my family. I called my Mom and told her and bought a one-way ticket for the next day. Shortly after that, while I was one a conference call for work, I got extremely light-headed and thought I was going to vomit. I decided I wanted to go to the ER. A friend kindly volunteered to go with me. After nearly passing out from the IV, they did an EKG and chest X-ray and again did not see anything wrong with my heart. This made me feel much better for a while. Luckily I had to pack for my trip home so I didn't have a chance to dwell on much else.

The trip home on Wednesday started off really badly. The entire ride to the airport I felt extremely nauseous. I ate a bit of food when I got to the airport but that was very difficult. My nausea didn't really go away until about hour into the first of my two flights. By the time I got to my layover I was feeling so much better. I was even able to eat a whole meal for the first time in a few days. When I got home I was doubting if I even needed to make the trip.

Today reassured me that I did need to make the trip. I didn't feel incredibly bad today, but I also didn't feel good. I was nauseous and dizzy for most of the day and did not feel like doing anything except sitting and watch TV. However, I did manage to eat two meals and a dessert.

I honestly don't know how long I am going to stay here, but I know it's what I need.

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I didn't tell the whole story yesterday. The reason I was worried I was going to die a couple of nights ago was because since Tuesday I've been having random chest pains. They were never very severe, but since I am kind of a hypochondriac I was really freaked out. They were still occurring today so I decided to see a doctor. They did an EKG and chest x-ray and said everything looked normal. The doctor thinks it’s stress and anxiety related. He gave me a prescription to get back on my anti-depressants which I had foolishly stopped taking a few months ago. I'm not back to 100% yet, but I think I’m getting there.

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Quick Update

I met @roseellendix and @roxeterawr on Monday. They were so fucking funny and delightful and tiny! I wish I had prepared more to say to them but I’m afraid I wasn’t very memorable.

Yesterday, I woke up feeling extremely depressed and it hasn’t gone away. I had this strange fear that I was going to die in my sleep last night and almost wrote a note to my family in case I did.

I haven’t felt this hopeless in a long time.

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I'm meeting Rose and Rosie in less than two days! I'm so nervous, though... I'm sure I have no reason to be, but I can't but to think about how much I'm going to not fit in.

Time for a new profile picture!

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T-4 days till my Mom and Dad come visit. I planned to spread a lot of the cleaning I needed to do over the weekend, but that didn’t happen. The weekend was a bit of a mixed bad, actually. On Saturday it started off with the return of college football. Clemson won easily 56-3. Earlier in the week I asked D if she had plans for the game and she told me that she planned on running that morning but I might be able to come over and watch with her husband. I wasn’t very interested in that so I didn’t bring it up again, but I never heard from her about it again. Turns out she didn’t do any running, instead she went into the City for a Comicon where she met the latest Doctor Who, Peter Capaldi. This really irked me for some reason. I know she didn’t intentionally lie to me about what she was doing on Saturday, but it would have been nice if she let me know what she was doing. It also annoys me that she claims to be a huge Clemson fan, but she didn’t seem to have any problems missing their first game. Admittedly, it wasn’t a very big game, but still. At least pretend like it was a tough decision to miss it. I don’t know. I wish I could just be happy she got to meet someone whom she is a big fan of, but I can’t. That brings me to my next struggle this weekend. Her adventure got me thinking about my upcoming Rose and Rosie meeting. I suddenly got really self-conscious about meeting them. I tried to think of a gift I could bring them to help break the ice, but I struggled to think of anything but chocolate which one of them can’t eat. I tried tweeting at them for reassurance but that was a fail, as well. One really bright spot to the weekend was Taylor releasing the second song off her upcoming album. The song is called ‘...Ready For It.’ and I really like it. It is much less controversial than ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ and was more in line with her previous style lyrically. Overall it was a fairly decent long weekend. I need to get better about setting expectations for things. I always end up being disappointed because they didn’t turn out exactly how I imagine. I have this idea in my head that I’m going be OK being a loner but I don’t think that’ll ever be the case.

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I cooked for the second time this week. Who am I?? The meal overall was decent: rice, pork, and peppers. I also made a side of roasted eggplant, but I did not like it. It was way too mushy and bitter. @unusual-cloudformation thinks I might be a super-taster and I’m starting to think she’s right. At least if she is right it would explain why I am such a picky eater. I’ve always hated how picky I am so if it’s something I can’t control then I’ll feel a little bit better. On the positive side I’ve never eaten peppers by themselves like that and I actually kind of liked them. I think I preferred the green pepper over the sweet pepper, though. I kind of hate to admit it, but this cooking for myself thing isn’t so bad...

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By the way, today has been a drastic improvement over the beginning of the week. The only thing that really changed was the time I got out of bed. Instead of staying in bed till 10+ AM, I got up at a more reasonable 9AM. Last night’s positivity could also have something to do with it.

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I just almost bought some leggings that Taylor Swift has been seen wearing in the past. I stopped myself because I'm trying to save money. I made a mental note to look at them again when I have less restraint.

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Things haven’t improved much since Sunday. In fact, things seemed to get worse today for some reason. However, I finally managed to work up enough motivation to cook a meal for myself and that helped a bit. I’ve been struggling with my diet a lot lately so it felt good to make progress in that area.

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This weekend was tough

The weekend had a promising start with Taylor releasing her first single and the anticipation of the video being released today, but it just never materialized.

On Friday night I went to see Ingrid Goes West. It was a really good film, but it hit a little too close to home. The movie is about a girl who becomes obsessed with someone she finds on Instagram and ends up doing a bunch of crazy stuff to meet her and become her friend. I often worry about how I “obsess” over certain celebrities and this movie just made me think about that even more. When I got home I was feeling pretty down so I posted my Kik on Tumblr to see if anyone wanted to chat. Usually when I do that no one messages me but for some reason a few people actually did. A couple of guys and one girl. I was excited about the one girl but when I wouldn’t share a photo of myself with her she didn’t want to have anything to do with me. I ended up staying up till about 2am after I finished the second season of Love on Netflix and masturbated.

I accidentally slept till about noon on Saturday which never makes me feel great. Things didn’t improve from there. I pretty much just sat on the couch all day and watched TV. The Cubs won, though! I also managed to start work on a new feature of my menstrual cycle app.

Today should have been better, but it wasn’t. I didn’t sleep as late, but that didn’t help. By the time I watched the Formula 1 race and played around a bit with my app it was time for Taylor’s video to be released. It did not disappoint. It was basically a giant ‘fuck you’ to everyone who’s given her shit over her career. It ended with her playing herself from past events in her life and calling herself a bitch. It was perfect. Once I recovered from that it was time for the Game of Thrones season finale which did not disappoint either.

Yet, despite those two incredible things I can’t seem to feel better. I know it’s probably just my depression and I’ll feel better in a few days, but for now it sucks. I’ve also been having a lot of gender dysphoria today which definitely isn’t helping. I can’t decide if my depression leads to the dysphoria or the dysphoria leads to the depression. All I know is that I really want boobs and a vagina. Part me wants to try to cheer myself up by shopping for some lingerie or clothes, but knowing that those things always lead to disappointment is giving me pause.

Anyways, thanks for listening.

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Last Novemember I was browsing Facebook and saw an ad for Hermione's time-turner necklace from HP3. It was only like $20, and even though I didn't know where I would wear it, I ordered one. After a few weeks when it didn't arrive I assumed that I got scammed and forgot about it.

Today when I opened my mailbox I was surprised to discover a package from China that said "necklace." I was excited I didn't actually get scammed, but at the same time I was a little disappointed. Not only is it shorter than I was hoping, but I also know that I'll never have an occasion to wear it. I'm tempted to put it out as decoration, but then I would be constantly reminded of something that will never be.

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Can't wait to meet you in San Francisco!

The North American Exposed Tour! 

TICKETS ON PRESALE NOW! 

http://bit.ly/2tq8Xaa 

GO GO GO! I want to know who’s coming!

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I've gotten over my disappointment with my latest leg shaving experience, but today I faced another challenge.

See, one of frequent struggles comes from my interests, of which there are numerous. Some of the more benign are my collection of girly magazines, love of lingerie, and Taylor Swift. However, some require a bit more work to deal with. The latest is my interest in certain YouTubers, in particular @roseellendix and @roxeterawr. They just announced a North American tour and one of the stops is in the city that I live, San Francisco. I've gone to concerts and performances by myself where the majority of the audience is girls under the age of 20, but this one feels different. Not only is the venue much smaller thus making it harder to blend in, but there is also the opportunity to buy a VIP ticket that will allow me to meet Rose and Rosie. If I were 22 year old girl that wouldn't be a problem. I would fit right in. Hell, even if I were a 31 year old girl, I would fit in perfectly. But, I'm not either of those. I am a 31 year old boy with a very confused gender identity. My fear is that all people will see is some weird man by himself that has no business attending such an event.

After some coaxing from a friend, however, I bought myself a VIP ticket 😊. I decided that because I’m not the person that I fear people will think I am it would be silly to let such a fear stop me from doing something that will bring me joy.

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The rash is back. I don’t know what else to try.

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Being a girl is hard: Part 1 - Shaving my legs

Last night I decided to give shaving my legs another try. The past couple of times resulted in severe razor burn so I was extremely cautious. I even reached out to some other non binary folks and a female friend for tips this time. It took what seemed like forever but was really only about an hour. I started by trimming all the hair off with an electric trimmer. I have a lot of hair on my legs. Next I filled the bath and laid in it for a few minutes before exfoliating my legs. After that I applied some shave gel and let it soak for a few more minutes. Finally I started to shave. Being careful not to apply any pressure with the razor. I think that was my fatal flaw last time. I also took short strokes and only went over an area once or twice. I repeated this until all the hair on my legs was gone. I took a quick shower afterwards to wash off all the loose hair. When I got out of the shower I immediately applied coconut oil to my legs. (PS coconut oil might be my new favorite thing) After a little while my legs started to itch a bit but I read that was normal. I also noticed that I missed a few spots. Overall I was quite pleased with the results. The jury is still out on whether I avoided razor burn but it’s now been more than 12 hours and there isn’t any to speak of. I’d like to keep them shaved regularly with the hope that it will be easier that way. If I do that I might need to invest in some tinted lotion because I’m white AF without any hair. 😄

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Confession

I was born male but wish I was born female. I’ve been struggling with this feeling for a few years. I have no desire to transition, though. I recently discovered the term "non binary" and feel that it accurately describes who I am. Some days I'm fine being male but other days I would like to be a female. I plan to talk more about this in this blog. I hope you will stick around.