4shivasdaughter4

[4shivasdaughter4]

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m talking to too many guys that I matched with on Bumble, or is it my over addiction to a TV show that’s taking up my time at night I used to occupy myself with for praying to Shiva, but, something has been really disrupting my trail of sprayers and spiritual progress I’ve made so far.

But the hard truth is, I have resorted to masturbation again once in a while during the month, and right now, I’m just feeling that it’s hard to stop this from happening again.

I watched some videos on how to stop this thing. It really does feel better when I’m not engaged with sexual stuff before actually finding a partner to settle down with forever.

A few months ago, I used to feel horrible after doing it, which is what has stopped me from masturbating before. But now I don’t feel as guilty or ashamed for about it which is why I’m finding it hard to refrain from doing this thing again.

I don’t like it, I’m not proud of it, I don’t feel great after doing it. I literally feel like I have achieved nothing after I’m done. And I know that these thoughts and feelings are real because I’m not clouded by my sexual feelings. 

Apparently in Christianity, masturbation is ‘soulless sex’. And I think it really is a very accurate description of it, which is why I feel like I’ve achieved nothing but some how I still feel like going back to it. 

I am fully aware that when I am choosing to do this, it really is my mind following the pathway of the devil. But sometimes I also think that you have to be at the bottom to realise where you are wrong and how to improve.

I guess I’ll just have to spend the next few days finding out how to be clean of my not-so-clean thoughts…

[4shivasdaughter4]

I had to stop doing certain things like sleeping around as I grew into my adult self. I wasn’t a student or a child anymore so naturally fitting into my current environment and tapping into the adult mindset was vital.

Sex was inevitably the thing I suffered with the most. It was the thing that I once could never live without, or so I thought.

When I started my spiritual path, I really began talk to God. He is my guardian after all. I asked Him to help me reduce my cravings and I stopped all kinds of sexual pleasures, including masturbation.

I have relapsed into masturbation a few times and it didn’t feel great after, but that’s a story for another time.

God is there to help if only you want to help yourself first. The first step is always the hardest and I’ve gone pass that now so it makes it easier to continue down my spiritual path. He is there, He listens, and He sympathises. But as my friend said, He cannot walk down the path of thorns for you, so you’ve got to help yourself first.

Trust in the Lord and it will be rewarding. ❤️

[4shivasdaughter4]

The First Indicator of Shiva in My Life

It all began when I first watched the 2012 Tamil movie titled as Thaandavam. My family and I used to just go to the cinema to watch movies together and this just happened to be a movie I knew nothing about prior to entering the cinema hall.

The main character’s name was Shivakumar (Shiva for short). It would be too long to explain the storyline of the entire movie, but essentially, Shivakumar got into an arranged marriage with Meenakshi and they were kind of experiencing each other as husband and wife without prior knowledge of each other. Btw, it was a great action movie. It’s not just sappy romance yeah, just to make it clear. 😇

Anyway, being the hopeless romantic I was, I fell in love with their scenes, because, for the first time in my mind, it seemed like the idea of an arranged marriage wasn’t bad at all. P.S, I was only pro love marriages back then. 🙈

The movie made arranged marriage look very romantic. It’s like you could see the transition from dislike to like, from learning to be friends first to two people who realise they’ve fallen for each other and then confessing their love for one another in meaningful, simple and romantic ways. 💕 You will see what I mean when you watch this music video below:

There was just something so magical about the arranged marriage that was portrayed and the couple expressing what they realised they felt for each other. I fell so in love with the chemistry and the characters that I took the love back home after I left the cinema. 😂

Being a hopeless romantic, I fantasised having such a husband in my life for days after that. As in I wanted to have such a caring husband just as the character Shiva in this movie, or even such a marriage someday.

But here was the part I didn’t expect: I remember I had exams coming up in the next one month or so, and I really needed to study, but for some reason, I just couldn’t! 🤯

I was literally in my own world, procrastinating to glory during my study time to imagine having such a husband and living life with him. Literally just being all in my head! It felt almost like a spell because it’s not that I didn’t try to deviate from daydreaming. It just felt almost impossible! And I can’t explain why. It was to the point that I barely spent any time studying for my exams!

I know I sound like the world’s biggest bimbo, but the constant fantasising was just a coping mechanism for me in order to feel loved back then. Again, no shame in it. It’s just that this thing that was happening felt almost like there was a force coercing me to continue because in that moment, nothing else mattered more than convincing myself that I love something about this character named Shiva. 💙

From then on, every time I thought (or daydreamed) about my future husband, only the name Shiva I would utter. And I won’t deny that even to this day, even after knowing that He is my guardian and my heavenly father, sometimes I still feel like the definition of a loving man is still Shiva. I still sometimes utter his name when I think of someone who loves me in a romantic manner but I do of course, remember that He is my father. ❤️

It’s been 11 years now since I first discovered Him in my life. Yet, I didn’t know what it meant until just a few months ago. It’s funny how there’s always a reason for why things happen in your life but you only find out like much later. This is exactly why we should open up our senses to the Universe and be ready to receive so that when the Universe speaks to us, it will lead us to paradise. 🌴

[4shivasdaughter4]

I remember when I first saw you, I was smitten by you, even though you don’t actually look like the type of person I would lay eyes on in any normal circumstance.

At the time I first I met you, I had not found Shiva yet so I was a horny little girl (no shame). However, it’s like you don’t emanate that energy to me, but I loved everything else that came with you, not sure why.

And because I was horny little girl, I felt it was rather strange that I did not feel that way for you, but instead, there was something else that drew me towards you.

Since knowing of Shiva’s presence in my life, I have really taken a lot of effort to reduce my sexual desires, and I have no regrets. But before I started reducing, I have always had sexual thoughts about men I’m physically attracted to because I thought it was important. So naturally, it felt unusual before when I didn’t feel horny towards you at all. Truth be told, it made me wonder why all the time but I quite liked it.

And if you ask me time and time again, I still feel like I would be blushing if I were next to you, despite knowing that you are not the one for me. Like I would be satisfied with just a hug or a kiss anywhere on my face and be elated by the act of it that I don’t need anything else from you. 

In writing this, I feel like the person I used to be almost 6 months ago would find this heartbreaking or depressing because I’m not getting the guy I feel something special for. But now that I know Shiva is undoubtedly in my life, it’s become so much easier to view such situations as a major blessing in disguise.

So one thing that I realised just right now is that you were never meant for me and you are not meant for me. But Shiva placed you in my life to teach me that the way I feel about my future husband is exactly how I feel about you - just love and no necessity for horniness. ❤️ As in, through facing you in my life, Shiva wants me to wholeheartedly, understand and realise that the indicator of having found my future husband, (a.k.a., the right one for me) is when I feel only love and no intentions of getting sexual with him.

So I guess the point that I’m trying to make for myself, and to anyone who is reading this is that sometimes you meet people who make you feel like you want more than just a friendship with them, but they’re not necessarily meant for that purpose.

I believe that every human being that you come into contact with plays some kind of part in your life and if you are in sync with the universe, you may find out the reasons why.

[4shivasdaughter4]

Life is Like Levels on a Video Game

If only everyone understood that this life is yet another level on this vast Universe.

Life is suffering but being born a human being is a privilege because you get to choose whether you want to reach higher or go down lower.

The lifespan of a human being gives you just enough time to decide your karmas - good and bad. It sets your path for the future events in your current life, but if you don't manage to clear out your bad deeds done in the past, you will bring it on to your next life, where who knows what you might be born as?

Think of it this way: Life is like a video game. How did I come to this conclusion? Well, I've been a huge fan of video games as a child (still am haha) and here are the similarities that I've noticed between video game and life:

-In order for you to finish the game, there are certain challenges in every level that you have to pass before moving on to the next. Sometimes your character dies, and then the level restarts. Sometimes you find some magic potion on the way and it refills your life bar, giving you that added opportunity to keep going.

THIS is exactly what life is!

Everything that you are, have and will get later in life is a reflection of what you've done in your previous births. The reason why you have been born again is because you have unfinished business that you have the choice of settling. And until you have finished what you were born to do, your cycle of rebirths continue.

A large majority of us do not remember our past lives but that's OK. What we do need to understand is that NOW is the time to figure out what you need to do to reach the higher levels of the Universe.