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c: cozyvu

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Anne Michaels, from her novel titled "Held," originally published in 2003

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i wonder if you talked about me, as you went home, or thought of me when the moon rose.

250320 — 10:24

i didn't think i'd be writing this. it's been over a week since our last conversation. well, you messaged me a few days ago and have been doing so daily but i haven't been responding — i probably won't be for a little longer, unfortunately. initially, i'd thought of doing it for two weeks, then i reduced it to ten days after missing you and once again, i've changed my mind to even lower. why am i deliberately avoiding you? it might come off silly but i've accepted that it's a reason that's hard to grasp unless we treaded the same path. regardless, i should try to explain.

you asked me whether i'm mad at you. i can't say that i wasn't but it was only for a short time and i also knew that your absence wasn't without reason, so whenever i felt the frustration, there'd also be that part of me that sided with you distinguishing that flame. does that make sense? it doesn't sound like it but it's a pretty good improvement. ah, the question was why i'm not responding. well... i just really thought that i wanted to do it. i think if there was a time that i did it - trying to get even - i can recall only lasting a day or two before i caved in. sometimes i gave up within minutes.

i don't have that purpose in mind this time. i'm not trying to get even with you. i'm not even mad at you. i realized that all my life, i'd always been the one waiting. i was available whenever my partners needed me, hence why they presumably decided to stop putting in effort. why would they when they could have my love whenever it was convenient for them? for once, i want to see what it's like to be on the other end and have someone wait for me, miss me so much that their heart feels heavy, wonder how i'm doing day to day. it sounds a bit cruel put into words, doesn't it? but i want to experience that. i'd tell you ahead but i feel like it'd defeat the purpose.

i recall that even when i was younger, i used to wait on people who i liked that i'd even stay up. if i wasn't staying up, i'd have the volume on the loudest while i slept so i'd immediately wake up from the notifications to talk to them, even if it was late into the night and i only had so little time left (which should be used for rest) until i had to leave for schedules. thinking about any memories of others waiting for me, nothing comes to mind except those moments i tried to be away to make people miss me, though i never lasted long. the trick would work but it made me feel worse that they'd miss me and text me only during my absence. it felt like it wasn't me who was missed but the attention. if i was replaced by someone else who could give the same attention, then it'd be fine, won't it?

the advice that i always ran into whenever i was sick of waiting for people was that i should be busy too. so i've tried it a few times. but it's funny, no matter what is it that i was doing — working, exercising, doing groceries, talking to other people, my mind always wandered back to my partner. in this case, you. i still wonder what you're doing and how you're doing. hell, i was at the store last night and the mini croissant that i picked reminded me of you. then, i bought a box of cherry tea because i've never tried it before. while i was holding it, i thought of you and i was like "ah, i'm thinking of park chanyeol again." i also thought of you whenever i looked at the moon, you already know that. not that you ever left my mind in the first place.

i don't see myself doing this again in the future, of course. it'll be this once and that's it. i mean — it's only day four and i miss you so much already. actually, by day two i was thinking that. it's so hard when i just want to talk to you, but i have to hold back because this is the only time i can and will do it, which is why i wanted to go for at least two weeks. ha. that was wishful thinking. you may be fine without me for two weeks, as you've done it before, but i won't be. every single day feels like it's passing slowly. i keep counting down the days until i get to talk to you.

i'm not sure what i'll achieve at the end of this. i guess i won't feel as pathetic since someone's waited for me once in my life. it's also taught me that i don't have it in me to purposely ignore my partner. in general, i mean. i'm not saying that you ignored me. because shouldn't it feel good or indifferent? i'd assume that's how it felt to those who did it to me. instead it feels like a piece of myself is missing, being apart from you. i do feel apologetic that i'm potentially hurting you through this. but i hope that somehow, you'd understand this odd wish of mine, even a little bit. call it a desire to be wanted, needed. i'm aware that you'd always missed me, wanted me and needed me on the regular anyway, but i feel like it's different. to me at least, it's different to not hear from your partner for days, feeling the longing grow and not being able to do anything about it.

i also don't want to say 'it's okay' again this time. i hope that that's all right with you. anyway, wherever you are and whatever you're doing right now, i hope that you're well and that you're taking care of yourself. i do miss you if that wasn't obvious already throughout this letter (which i'm still unsure if i should show you... but at the same time you'd be questioning why i was away) and i'm looking forward to the day where i can have you in my arms again. you're allowed to hit me on the shoulder when we meet for leaving you. i guess this is my version of christmas chanyeol. thank you for waiting for me and missing me for the past week.

i love you. i always have and always will.

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if i don't like you anymore, then i wouldn't be me.

250226 — 05:25

it's the first letter of this year. i've been meaning to write one for a while now as i told you, but i never got around to do it because i didn't know what to talk about. not that i really know now... so please don't have high expectations. the quote above reminds me of those times you told me to let you know when i don't like you anymore. i think it's a better answer than a simple 'it won't ever happen.' if i don't like you anymore, then i wouldn't be me. you can be assured that for as long as i exist, you'll have my heart. my feelings are still growing two years in.

why is it that i always choose to write before i sleep? i've already yawned. i hope the letter won't go down in quality. you must be asleep right now. i wish that you were asleep next to me, so i could write while taking glances at your pretty face. it'd be good if we could choose and move furniture easily like in the sims or something, then we'd be living in our new house by now. i wonder if you feel the same way. if you're excited to see me every day too. in this winter alone, it feels like i've been seeing you at your schedules often. first it was the studio meeting last year, then the rehearsal, the encore concert and of course, the festival days ago. it did cross my mind if you'd find it too much, yet you'd always greeted me with a smile. it made me feel relieved to see it.

i didn't tell you this but i planned on confessing my feelings face to face more, not only within letters, because you deserve to have that. i only remembered about the plan recently after coming up with it last year and it surprises me that i have actually been executing it. i really like it so far, reminding you of my love directly. what also surprises me is you confessing back to me, sometimes even including little bits of information about what you thought and felt when you were crushing on me. i thought i knew how much you love me, but after hearing that, i'm not so sure anymore. it looks like you were right when you kept telling me that you love me so much more than i know. whenever you told me that back then, i'd always thought of it as just a little bit more. it's safe to say that no one's ever loved me this much. i'm so lucky to be receiving this love and for it to come from you, whom i love the most.

it was a bit hectic at the concert for us to chat so i will also tell you some things here, though i'm sure that my manager must've sent you videos of me. you already know that i love you in straight, dark hair but god, it definitely hasn't been good on my heart, which is funny because it was that way when we first started dating. i loved all of the outfits as well. there were so many times during the concert that i was simply starstrucked from how amazing you looked. i think it's natural to find the person you're dating attractive but i think this has to be the first time in a relationship that i've caught myself thinking 'he's so pretty' over and over again. it's not limited to on-stage, of course. you probably already know it from the times i traced your features and kissed your face.

what else is there to talk about? you said you can never skim read my letters since i talk about multiple different things so i guess it's the same with this letter. it felt like i had more things to say but i'm not sure now. ah — you asked me what i wanted more from you that valentine's day. i'm so used to continuously ask for the bare minimum that it fascinated me that for once i said nothing. that shows how happy i am with you. i know that you're probably going to say that i can also ask you for the bare minimum, but i have nothing to ask at the moment. i will do it if i do. you can ask me for anything too, all right?

i'll leave it here for now. i know nothing's going to top the third letter (i think it's the best letter i ever wrote) but i hope this is decent enough... even if i don't really like it and it's pretty short. still, better to end it than keep rambling and risk not making sense. i hope your day will be lovely today. have a good dream if you're dreaming right now. i'm always thinking of you and missing you. i love you.

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💙 to our next lives.

late morning, sunlight slips through your apartment window think there's a miscount back in heaven 'cause in my arms lays an angel of a person you feel my lips caressing your pretty face, i know reigning champion of lightest sleeper between us smiling over at me amidst the drowse it's home here against your loose fit tee preferred tranquil above xanax, hmm, any day a breath of your bergamot soap's all it takes to drift away ten years then and now forevermore my serenity show your dimple, send me reeling promise you're the only one for me, darling go on argue that you love me more 'cause you know i'll love you to the next life drawn to you 'fore i even learnt the reason who'd have thought, that i'd come to see the same softness in your gaze for me, baby cherry colored string 'round our fingers only visible to us two have you ever had something this true i don't know, but i love you to the next life autumn breeze in your ash gray hair no other place i wanna be than next to you daisies surround us, yet my person wins the best view you melt hearts with a single glance, it's unfair utterly enamored and your mother knows it sugar itself isn't quite this sweet go on argue that you love me more 'cause you know i'll love you to the next life strum my heart like you do your guitar strings not a taste of boredom, i'd collect stains of your kisses on me and still ask for more, baby cherry colored string 'round our fingers only visible to us two have you ever had something this true i don't know, but i love you to the next life life paused in an unending eclipse, only myself left to blame then i saw you and with a whisper, you taught me the meaning of happiness relight my extinguished flame this love will burn the brightest for you love you to the next life drawn to you 'fore i even learnt the reason who'd have thought, that i'd come to see the same softness in your gaze for me, baby cherry colored string 'round our fingers only visible to us two have you ever had something this true i don't know, but i love you to the next life this lifetime's too short for an endless love and your name's scribbled over my fate so won't you take these clumsy hands in yours 'cause you know i'll love you through all our next lives

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You, who opened suns in my heart,

Alfonsina Storni, from "The Siren" in Mask & Clover: Poems

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CHANYEOL EXO CHANNEL 'THE BEST' 2023 JAPAN FANMEETING

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hes soooo and he makes me feel sooooo and he looks sooooo and hes just. just sooooooo

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— Aure Vives, ‘An extraordinary amount of joules’

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you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be.

240810 — 04:59

looks like i went from not writing anything at all to writing three letters within the span of one month. if you were here right now, you'd go 'you wrote another one?! i haven't even read the other two...', but what can i say — i could go on and on when it comes to you (which is funny considering most times my mind goes blank the moment i start a post, despite having some vague ideas of what i wanted to write about beforehand). i guess our kids will really have to sit through hours of stories if they ever asked about you. but it's a good thing, isn't it? they'll see how much we love each other.

it just dawned on me that that last line sounds so much like you... they say lovers start to resemble each other after some time so it shouldn't have been a surprise to me, yet it is. there are a lot of different theories out there: it's said that opposites attract, but i also heard about being attracted to a person who's like oneself. i suppose in this situation it's the latter. the very first time that we met, i thought that well, this person has the nickname 'happy virus' so maybe i can use that to get closer to him since i was called that too. then, once i started talking to you, i really liked how friendly you were. before i knew it, we were close and we had multiple interests that connected us.

i can't recall how much i'd told you back then about my life but it was a difficult year for me. if it wasn't that apparent, then it must've been because my days were a little brighter with you by my side — i do know that i mentioned that in the first letter i wrote to you. there was something about you that was different. whenever i talked to you, no matter the topic, i felt safe and like nothing else mattered. i knew then that we'd be together forever, but never in my life could i have guessed that we'd be romantically involved, despite me hoping to have someone like you as my boyfriend.

the past crushes don't bother me anymore now as i barely remember them. in the past, i even counted how many times i had my heart broken. i felt discouraged. i thought that love wasn't for me, that i would never find someone who truly loved me, who would love as hard as i do and who would stay with me. i didn't like hearing positive things like 'you'll find the one for you', they seemed more and more untrue with each heartbreak i felt and i envied my friends who were more successful at love. it always looked like i was too much for everyone, until you became mine. during our date, i'd asked if you liked clinginess, and you said yes. it's not the first time i'd heard that, but somehow i was inclined to believe you. perhaps it's because you yourself were clingy towards me before the date even happened. it wasn't all talk. you don't know how surprised i was each time you, out of nowhere, told me that you missed me and wanted to see me. the things that i'd longed to hear, you said them so easily without me having to ask for them. you still say these things to this day. the past me didn't have such thing, she was supposed to presume that her partner always missed her. i agree that that should be the case, but to some extent. i could only hear an 'i miss you too' each time i said it first then.

the smallest things that you deem as nothing much mean a tremendous amount to me, which is why i'm often moved by them. without knowing, you're healing the damaged parts of my heart caused by other people. i for one, wished that you didn't have to do it — that i could be the best version of myself for you because with a heart like yours, you deserve that much. but i've come to realize that i can't do it alone. it's probably because i haven't reached a point where i can confidently say that i love myself that the past no longer affects me. i'm thankful towards you, for treating me with so much softness that i'm slowly able to trust love again, after thinking that i'd forever be shackled to the fears of my past.

now, i have someone who worries about me when i hurt myself, who wants me to wake him up when my heart starts beating weird, who picks me up when i'm drunk and stays through the night to take care of me, who sings me to sleep, who randomly kisses my face and hands just because he wants to, who misses me when we're apart for only days, who tells me he loves me more and means it, who spoils me a lot with whatever i ask of him, who makes sure that i've eaten every day, who offers to take my nightmares so i can sleep well, who clings to me and wants my affection, who looks at me like i hold his world, who adores everything i do and say, who reads my letters with so much care that he has to sit down to take in every word and rereads from time to time. the list is endless. the road i took to get to you was rocky and full of twists and turns, but it's worth it. if i had to do it all again to have this in our next life, i would bear all the hardships. you're worth it.

it was a little scary going into this, right? not knowing what the future holds for us, with our friendship at stake (though i personally believe that regardless of what happens, i would still be friends with you). it could be that i never directly said this but even when we were friends, i thought that you were the one person that i couldn't bear to lose, because then i feel i'd truly be alone in this life and i don't know how i'd live with that. now that you've become someone who's the dearest to my heart, i feel it even more. in the romantic sense too, i don't think that there can be anyone else in my heart after you. with how much i love you - and this love is only growing more every day - perhaps this will truly be my last love. i, who have become accustomed to expecting the worst in everything, now think that this might just work out. we'll still be together when we're older. because it's you, i think that it's okay to harbor such hopes.

going back to the old nickname we talked about earlier, it's honestly ironic to think that i haven't felt like the word happiness and me fit well in years, only temporary bursts of it that last a short time when i do something i like. however, with you, i can say that i smile and laugh much more than i do normally. you seem to bring that side out of me with ease. i can only hope that i bring you the same amount of happiness, especially during your busy, exhausting days. i know that there's not a need to remind you to ask me if you need anything as you often do it... well, mainly the head rubs so far, but just keep in mind that i'll do it if it's within my means. i'd even do your work for you so you can get some rest.

i didn't plan on this letter to be this emotional, and i also didn't plan on talking about all that, it just so happened to be this way. well, i guess you got a deeper insight into what goes on in my heart, even though you didn't ask for it. it's getting quite late now (or early if you really look at the time). you may have noticed that my mind is slowly ceasing to work, the letter dropping in quality the longer it goes on. so i think i'll simply stop here, i can't think of anything else to add anyway. i'll come again in the future if i have more to say. thank you for reading this earnestly, and that goes to all of my letters.

i love you. i love you. i love you. i'll always love you.

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Frontier of the Dawn (2008)

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Yannis Ritsos, from a diary entry featured in Diaries Of Exile, originally publ. in 1975

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the way i have to stop myself from thinking of you because i'm having trouble calming down and you make my heart beat even faster than it already is —

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240806 — 01:13

i didn't expect to be here this soon. we talked about how distance intensifies our longing and it seems like it's my turn again to feel it, despite the fact that it hasn't even been a week since i last saw you. i'm homesick for my bed but most of all i'm homesick for you. i told you that i cried days ago — constantly being under scrutiny comes with our job, yet i'm still not used to it. it doesn't help that i put a lot of expectations on myself, so there were times that even with my own family, i felt inadequate, both with reason and no reason. you were my safe space in that moment, still is and will always be, which is why i cried for you. within your arms, i don't need to think about anything other than the love we have for each other.

it's natural to assume that the first time you fall for someone would be the only 'ah' moment you have, but i experience it rather often. the heavy feeling in your chest, the lump in your throat and the fast heartbeat as you're stirred up with emotions, realizing that you've fallen deeper for this person. is there such thing as a definite amount of love? it feels like my heart's growing to accommodate the piling amount, though maybe it doesn't do it fast enough since it feels like the love is overflowing. you say to give it all to you, but i don't know how. i can kiss you a thousand times and even that wouldn't be nearly enough to convey how much i love you. so i find myself writing again and again, attaching my feelings to each word for you to read until it's etched in your memory. and if you ever doubt my love, you can revisit this and remind yourself of it, even if it's pretty much the same words that you've heard countless times (still you love it... somehow...). of course, i'll be by your side too, trying my best to show it with my actions.

you said you wondered how you got me with your flirting skills, as if you've forgotten that the reason i fell for you was your personality. you didn't need to flirt with me. and if you'd fallen for me first, i would still fall for you anyway. it's only a matter of when, i think. it'd be the same thing — i'd wonder why my heart bubbles with happiness whenever you laugh at the stupidest things i say, why it feels like home with you, why every word that comes out of your mouth sounds interesting and why i don't feel that way towards my other friends who are also close to me. so really, you didn't need to do anything special at all to win me over. that can also be said for now, though i do love your attempts at flirting. i find them really cute.

i keep writing and deleting because i'm jumping from one thing to another, making it look disorganized. i would like to say more... my mind isn't working well, probably from exhaustion. ha. i can't wait to go home. i'm sorry that this letter isn't that long, i'm even debating to just discard the entire thing. hopefully i can write more in the future. it'd be good to decide on a specific topic beforehand, similar to that one where i talked about what i loved about you.

anyway, i hope you're getting some well deserved sleep now and not merely resting your eyes. since i'm far away, there's nothing else i can do but nag. the rest is up to you. take care of yourself, someone loves you and wants to see you healthy. you can claim your kisses for it later.

i love you.

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240722 — 23:19

i didn't even realize that i hadn't written any letter this year yet. i actually wanted to write one this morning but i was going to bed and i knew it'd take me a while to finish it, even though i think it would probably be better than this one. i did read all of the past letters from the very first one. i'm still in awe that you're mine.

i know i have told you this before, well... i'll say it again anyway. because of your past relationship, the length and the fact that i knew how much you loved this person, i had a lot of complex feelings about it. you said you didn't think it was a good thing that you two didn't argue, but i thought otherwise. since we argued, it must've meant that i was below her — that was my thought. i wanted so badly to be perfect like her. calm, collected, cool taste in music and films. there were also times that i wondered if you didn't find me as beautiful, hence the 'you belong with me' thing, but beyond the clothes, my face too. i wondered if you would've melted at the sight of her more than you would towards me, i would think when you reacted to photos of me.

i envied her patience too. looking back, of course it doesn't make sense to compare when the experiences we had are different. i've been let down by other people, which i think has made me more sensitive. i thought that i'd gotten better when i would try my best to be positive and wait for this person for close to two months, updating them on little things that went in my life, since people had said that the guilt only pushed them away. still, i was left behind. i noticed this about me too: when i'm having a hard time, i live my life like i won't be here tomorrow, so i'd get upset that i'm running out of time and my partner isn't here. that probably tied with what i said, how i didn't think i could compete with what you had and we probably won't be together for long, setting myself for an early heartbreak, yet here we are now, a year and a half in. somehow, time passes and you're still next to me.

we had that rough patch about two months ago where i was adamant on leaving you. i had gotten all in my head and thought you no longer cared about me the way most people did. once they had me, they ceased to put in efforts. then i saw you at my door and almost instantaneously, i had second thoughts. even during our talk, you may have noticed that i was battling with myself. i still loved you. wouldn't it be better to regret trying than regret not doing anything? that's what you once told me and i felt it.

nowadays, i don't really overthink about what you're doing or thinking when you're not with me. i'd like to think that's an improvement. i hope it remains that way. i'm aware that you're busy and you do tell me ahead, which i'm thankful for. you've been talking to me a lot, almost daily. there'll probably be days that you won't be able to be around, but it's okay. i do wonder if you've been doing some things different or if it's something that i'm just now realizing. i seem to pick up more and more of your love towards me in the little things that you do and say.

i've said it as a joke, "wow he really loves me that much, huh" but i don't think it's a joke anymore. it's both funny and overwhelming how i went from almost not believing you when you first said you thought you liked me to it dawning on me that you're in love with me. for me too, at times it feels like i'm falling in love with you all over again. instead of getting used to you, i find myself getting flustered when you get too close to me. it probably won't change and i kind of like it that way. i've only heard of this in the form of movies, books or other people's stories. it never crossed my mind that it could happen to me, but at the same time, this entire relationship in itself is a miracle, isn't it? falling in love with your best friend and soulmate.

you're texting me now and somehow we're talking (well, joking) about marriage. i called you husband when i came over recently and you played into it. you don't know how giddy it made me feel. i remember in the past, i was always hesitant about marriage that bomi even said that i'd probably be the last member to get married among us. however, at random times, i'd feel the urge to propose to you for real. is it because we've known each other forever? or because i love you that much? i know it's still pretty early, but i'd often have these thoughts about marrying you and starting a family with you. i guess that moving in together is the first step to it — we'll be doing that soon and i'm excited to go to sleep and wake up to your pretty face, excited to text you about how we need to go do groceries because we're running out of things in the fridge, excited to hear the faint sounds of music and your voice in the other room while i'm outside watching tv, excited to have all of your clothes folded and hung next to mine, excited to tell you 'i'm going home' and come home to hug you on the sofa, and many more other things. i'm excited to have a life with you.

thank you for falling in love with me and making my wishes come true, park chanyeol. i love you so much. i'll love you more tomorrow, and the days that come after that. i'll try my best to take care of you well.