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You, who opened suns in my heart,

Alfonsina Storni, from "The Siren" in Mask & Clover: Poems

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CHANYEOL EXO CHANNEL 'THE BEST' 2023 JAPAN FANMEETING

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hes soooo and he makes me feel sooooo and he looks sooooo and hes just. just sooooooo

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— Aure Vives, ‘An extraordinary amount of joules’

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you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be.

240810 — 04:59

looks like i went from not writing anything at all to writing three letters within the span of one month. if you were here right now, you'd go 'you wrote another one?! i haven't even read the other two...', but what can i say — i could go on and on when it comes to you (which is funny considering most times my mind goes blank the moment i start a post, despite having some vague ideas of what i wanted to write about beforehand). i guess our kids will really have to sit through hours of stories if they ever asked about you. but it's a good thing, isn't it? they'll see how much we love each other.

it just dawned on me that that last line sounds so much like you... they say lovers start to resemble each other after some time so it shouldn't have been a surprise to me, yet it is. there are a lot of different theories out there: it's said that opposites attract, but i also heard about being attracted to a person who's like oneself. i suppose in this situation it's the latter. the very first time that we met, i thought that well, this person has the nickname 'happy virus' so maybe i can use that to get closer to him since i was called that too. then, once i started talking to you, i really liked how friendly you were. before i knew it, we were close and we had multiple interests that connected us.

i can't recall how much i'd told you back then about my life but it was a difficult year for me. if it wasn't that apparent, then it must've been because my days were a little brighter with you by my side — i do know that i mentioned that in the first letter i wrote to you. there was something about you that was different. whenever i talked to you, no matter the topic, i felt safe and like nothing else mattered. i knew then that we'd be together forever, but never in my life could i have guessed that we'd be romantically involved, despite me hoping to have someone like you as my boyfriend.

the past crushes don't bother me anymore now as i barely remember them. in the past, i even counted how many times i had my heart broken. i felt discouraged. i thought that love wasn't for me, that i would never find someone who truly loved me, who would love as hard as i do and who would stay with me. i didn't like hearing positive things like 'you'll find the one for you', they seemed more and more untrue with each heartbreak i felt and i envied my friends who were more successful at love. it always looked like i was too much for everyone, until you became mine. during our date, i'd asked if you liked clinginess, and you said yes. it's not the first time i'd heard that, but somehow i was inclined to believe you. perhaps it's because you yourself were clingy towards me before the date even happened. it wasn't all talk. you don't know how surprised i was each time you, out of nowhere, told me that you missed me and wanted to see me. the things that i'd longed to hear, you said them so easily without me having to ask for them. you still say these things to this day. the past me didn't have such thing, she was supposed to presume that her partner always missed her. i agree that that should be the case, but to some extent. i could only hear an 'i miss you too' each time i said it first then.

the smallest things that you deem as nothing much mean a tremendous amount to me, which is why i'm often moved by them. without knowing, you're healing the damaged parts of my heart caused by other people. i for one, wished that you didn't have to do it — that i could be the best version of myself for you because with a heart like yours, you deserve that much. but i've come to realize that i can't do it alone. it's probably because i haven't reached a point where i can confidently say that i love myself that the past no longer affects me. i'm thankful towards you, for treating me with so much softness that i'm slowly able to trust love again, after thinking that i'd forever be shackled to the fears of my past.

now, i have someone who worries about me when i hurt myself, who wants me to wake him up when my heart starts beating weird, who picks me up when i'm drunk and stays through the night to take care of me, who sings me to sleep, who randomly kisses my face and hands just because he wants to, who misses me when we're apart for only days, who tells me he loves me more and means it, who spoils me a lot with whatever i ask of him, who makes sure that i've eaten every day, who offers to take my nightmares so i can sleep well, who clings to me and wants my affection, who looks at me like i hold his world, who adores everything i do and say, who reads my letters with so much care that he has to sit down to take in every word and rereads from time to time. the list is endless. the road i took to get to you was rocky and full of twists and turns, but it's worth it. if i had to do it all again to have this in our next life, i would bear all the hardships. you're worth it.

it was a little scary going into this, right? not knowing what the future holds for us, with our friendship at stake (though i personally believe that regardless of what happens, i would still be friends with you). it could be that i never directly said this but even when we were friends, i thought that you were the one person that i couldn't bear to lose, because then i feel i'd truly be alone in this life and i don't know how i'd live with that. now that you've become someone who's the dearest to my heart, i feel it even more. in the romantic sense too, i don't think that there can be anyone else in my heart after you. with how much i love you - and this love is only growing more every day - perhaps this will truly be my last love. i, who have become accustomed to expecting the worst in everything, now think that this might just work out. we'll still be together when we're older. because it's you, i think that it's okay to harbor such hopes.

going back to the old nickname we talked about earlier, it's honestly ironic to think that i haven't felt like the word happiness and me fit well in years, only temporary bursts of it that last a short time when i do something i like. however, with you, i can say that i smile and laugh much more than i do normally. you seem to bring that side out of me with ease. i can only hope that i bring you the same amount of happiness, especially during your busy, exhausting days. i know that there's not a need to remind you to ask me if you need anything as you often do it... well, mainly the head rubs so far, but just keep in mind that i'll do it if it's within my means. i'd even do your work for you so you can get some rest.

i didn't plan on this letter to be this emotional, and i also didn't plan on talking about all that, it just so happened to be this way. well, i guess you got a deeper insight into what goes on in my heart, even though you didn't ask for it. it's getting quite late now (or early if you really look at the time). you may have noticed that my mind is slowly ceasing to work, the letter dropping in quality the longer it goes on. so i think i'll simply stop here, i can't think of anything else to add anyway. i'll come again in the future if i have more to say. thank you for reading this earnestly, and that goes to all of my letters.

i love you. i love you. i love you. i'll always love you.

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Frontier of the Dawn (2008)

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Yannis Ritsos, from a diary entry featured in Diaries Of Exile, originally publ. in 1975

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the way i have to stop myself from thinking of you because i'm having trouble calming down and you make my heart beat even faster than it already is —

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240806 — 01:13

i didn't expect to be here this soon. we talked about how distance intensifies our longing and it seems like it's my turn again to feel it, despite the fact that it hasn't even been a week since i last saw you. i'm homesick for my bed but most of all i'm homesick for you. i told you that i cried days ago — constantly being under scrutiny comes with our job, yet i'm still not used to it. it doesn't help that i put a lot of expectations on myself, so there were times that even with my own family, i felt inadequate, both with reason and no reason. you were my safe space in that moment, still is and will always be, which is why i cried for you. within your arms, i don't need to think about anything other than the love we have for each other.

it's natural to assume that the first time you fall for someone would be the only 'ah' moment you have, but i experience it rather often. the heavy feeling in your chest, the lump in your throat and the fast heartbeat as you're stirred up with emotions, realizing that you've fallen deeper for this person. is there such thing as a definite amount of love? it feels like my heart's growing to accommodate the piling amount, though maybe it doesn't do it fast enough since it feels like the love is overflowing. you say to give it all to you, but i don't know how. i can kiss you a thousand times and even that wouldn't be nearly enough to convey how much i love you. so i find myself writing again and again, attaching my feelings to each word for you to read until it's etched in your memory. and if you ever doubt my love, you can revisit this and remind yourself of it, even if it's pretty much the same words that you've heard countless times (still you love it... somehow...). of course, i'll be by your side too, trying my best to show it with my actions.

you said you wondered how you got me with your flirting skills, as if you've forgotten that the reason i fell for you was your personality. you didn't need to flirt with me. and if you'd fallen for me first, i would still fall for you anyway. it's only a matter of when, i think. it'd be the same thing — i'd wonder why my heart bubbles with happiness whenever you laugh at the stupidest things i say, why it feels like home with you, why every word that comes out of your mouth sounds interesting and why i don't feel that way towards my other friends who are also close to me. so really, you didn't need to do anything special at all to win me over. that can also be said for now, though i do love your attempts at flirting. i find them really cute.

i keep writing and deleting because i'm jumping from one thing to another, making it look disorganized. i would like to say more... my mind isn't working well, probably from exhaustion. ha. i can't wait to go home. i'm sorry that this letter isn't that long, i'm even debating to just discard the entire thing. hopefully i can write more in the future. it'd be good to decide on a specific topic beforehand, similar to that one where i talked about what i loved about you.

anyway, i hope you're getting some well deserved sleep now and not merely resting your eyes. since i'm far away, there's nothing else i can do but nag. the rest is up to you. take care of yourself, someone loves you and wants to see you healthy. you can claim your kisses for it later.

i love you.

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240722 — 23:19

i didn't even realize that i hadn't written any letter this year yet. i actually wanted to write one this morning but i was going to bed and i knew it'd take me a while to finish it, even though i think it would probably be better than this one. i did read all of the past letters from the very first one. i'm still in awe that you're mine.

i know i have told you this before, well... i'll say it again anyway. because of your past relationship, the length and the fact that i knew how much you loved this person, i had a lot of complex feelings about it. you said you didn't think it was a good thing that you two didn't argue, but i thought otherwise. since we argued, it must've meant that i was below her — that was my thought. i wanted so badly to be perfect like her. calm, collected, cool taste in music and films. there were also times that i wondered if you didn't find me as beautiful, hence the 'you belong with me' thing, but beyond the clothes, my face too. i wondered if you would've melted at the sight of her more than you would towards me, i would think when you reacted to photos of me.

i envied her patience too. looking back, of course it doesn't make sense to compare when the experiences we had are different. i've been let down by other people, which i think has made me more sensitive. i thought that i'd gotten better when i would try my best to be positive and wait for this person for close to two months, updating them on little things that went in my life, since people had said that the guilt only pushed them away. still, i was left behind. i noticed this about me too: when i'm having a hard time, i live my life like i won't be here tomorrow, so i'd get upset that i'm running out of time and my partner isn't here. that probably tied with what i said, how i didn't think i could compete with what you had and we probably won't be together for long, setting myself for an early heartbreak, yet here we are now, a year and a half in. somehow, time passes and you're still next to me.

we had that rough patch about two months ago where i was adamant on leaving you. i had gotten all in my head and thought you no longer cared about me the way most people did. once they had me, they ceased to put in efforts. then i saw you at my door and almost instantaneously, i had second thoughts. even during our talk, you may have noticed that i was battling with myself. i still loved you. wouldn't it be better to regret trying than regret not doing anything? that's what you once told me and i felt it.

nowadays, i don't really overthink about what you're doing or thinking when you're not with me. i'd like to think that's an improvement. i hope it remains that way. i'm aware that you're busy and you do tell me ahead, which i'm thankful for. you've been talking to me a lot, almost daily. there'll probably be days that you won't be able to be around, but it's okay. i do wonder if you've been doing some things different or if it's something that i'm just now realizing. i seem to pick up more and more of your love towards me in the little things that you do and say.

i've said it as a joke, "wow he really loves me that much, huh" but i don't think it's a joke anymore. it's both funny and overwhelming how i went from almost not believing you when you first said you thought you liked me to it dawning on me that you're in love with me. for me too, at times it feels like i'm falling in love with you all over again. instead of getting used to you, i find myself getting flustered when you get too close to me. it probably won't change and i kind of like it that way. i've only heard of this in the form of movies, books or other people's stories. it never crossed my mind that it could happen to me, but at the same time, this entire relationship in itself is a miracle, isn't it? falling in love with your best friend and soulmate.

you're texting me now and somehow we're talking (well, joking) about marriage. i called you husband when i came over recently and you played into it. you don't know how giddy it made me feel. i remember in the past, i was always hesitant about marriage that bomi even said that i'd probably be the last member to get married among us. however, at random times, i'd feel the urge to propose to you for real. is it because we've known each other forever? or because i love you that much? i know it's still pretty early, but i'd often have these thoughts about marrying you and starting a family with you. i guess that moving in together is the first step to it — we'll be doing that soon and i'm excited to go to sleep and wake up to your pretty face, excited to text you about how we need to go do groceries because we're running out of things in the fridge, excited to hear the faint sounds of music and your voice in the other room while i'm outside watching tv, excited to have all of your clothes folded and hung next to mine, excited to tell you 'i'm going home' and come home to hug you on the sofa, and many more other things. i'm excited to have a life with you.

thank you for falling in love with me and making my wishes come true, park chanyeol. i love you so much. i'll love you more tomorrow, and the days that come after that. i'll try my best to take care of you well.

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—park chanyeol moodboard.

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happy birthday, my dearest darling.

bear with me if this letter isn't that good — it's only been a few months since my last one but i feel quite rusty. still, i wanted to write this to wish you a happy birthday. when it comes to you, i want to give everything that i can, so a simple text seems.. eh, not enough at all to convey the love i have for you. there are other things i prepared for your birthday (and some in the works), so i hope that today will be a day where you'll smile a lot, because your smile is the prettiest thing in the world.

you don't know how happy i am that you were born (when i meet your parents, i gotta shake their hands and thank them personally for this!). if you ever feel exhausted from all the blues in this life, i hope that you'll remember that someone is glad that you exist. thank you for coming into this life and meeting me. you are the best soulmate that i could ever ask for. after all the unexplainable coincidences we experienced and still do, i'm confident that we'll meet again in our next lives, and i'll be there greeting you on your birthday again.

maybe there's no need to remind you on this, but it doesn't hurt to: i'll always be here for you, regardless of the time and place. don't ever hesitate to ask me for anything, whether it's comfort, affection, or an ear to listen to you rant about the cafe running out of your favorite dessert. you can even wake me up in the middle of the night for it and i wouldn't mind. i think i'd like it instead. even the nights you came over just to sleep, aside from being happy that i got to see you, i felt happy that you trust me and feel some comfort in being near me.

i'm not sure how to end this letter, it feels short yet i've said everything i want to say in previous letters. plus, i guess i don't really want this to be too romantic, because you are so much more than my boyfriend. you are an amazing person, artist, soulmate, best friend. i want to highlight those parts of you this time. i admired you when we were friends and that hasn't changed. you are so so very cool, from all the talents you have down to the way you do every other little thing, even driving, really.

once again, happy birthday.

i love you and i adore you.

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"our existence is meaningful to someone, don't easily dismiss yourself. for some people, you're their ultimate solution, a magical remedy that can cure everything. they will like this world more because of you. i want to strive harder and harder everyday to become a person like that."

230811 — 07:22

i find it hard to believe that i haven't written much since we got together. i wonder if that's because i told you my thoughts directly or if i wrote letters in my head but never sent them - maybe it's a little bit of both. you can regard this one as a gift for our 7 months, though i did prepare another (physical) gift too since i don't think this letter is particularly special.. still, i hope you'd like it.

the quote above is from a drama i'm currently watching. i found it beautiful and naturally, you came to mind. it's safe to say that you're those things to me; an ultimate solution, a magical remedy. even before i realized my feelings for you, you'd always been a safe space to me. now, it's amplified.

whether it's a minor inconvenience or something big that i'm facing, i feel better with you by my side. it was only a day or two ago that i found myself transported back to a painful memory. i felt pathetic for letting the past swallow me so easily yet again and i wasn't sure how long i was going to stay like that. but then there you were, reminding me that there's someone who loves me. almost instantaneously, i felt like myself again.

i hope that i'm that kind of person to you too, someone whose existence makes your world a little better.

our relationship has been circling my mind lately because of the recent conversations we had about our confessions, first kisses and all. i feel like i got to learn a lot about your thoughts and feelings, which run deeper than i ever expected. i guess i never could see anyone loving me this way - it always felt as if i was destined to be the one who loves more in a relationship. that is until you came along.

there isn't a word to describe this kind of love, but if i was to try, i suppose it's pure. i feel extremely lucky to receive this love, and to have it come from you, the person i love the most.. it's everything to me.

thank you for loving me and for letting me love you. somehow, you manage to make me feel as if it's my first time loving someone. what i mean by that is, rather than being put off by love at this point in my life, i love you fearlessly. i think that's because for the first time, there's someone who truly appreciates my love and showers me in the same amount of love in return. it was scary at first to love you this much, but now i only want to give you more, because you deserve everything good in the world.

you are my love, my happiness. i truly believe that you're my soulmate. maybe people are right about us being made from the same star, i don't think i can find a connection like this elsewhere, in any lifetime, if not with you. all the instances we matched only solidified this for me.

i didn't really have a plan laid out for this letter. that can be said with pretty much all of my letters, but... i hope this wasn't too messy. as my feelings for you grow, it only gets harder to put them into writing. my vocabulary is too limited, though even the kisses i press to your lips and skin don't quite give justice to them either. so i suppose i'll spend my whole life and the next showing you how much i love you.

i don't mind that at all. there's no one else i want to be with more.