3tanishqa

[3tanishqa]

The Kind of Love I Want to Experience Again

“I’ve read hundreds of novels in my life, most of them claiming that love was the center of the universe. That it could heal any damage inside of us. That it was what we needed to survive. From Darcy to Heathcliff, I thought they were fools. That love was something fictional, only found in worn pages of a book. That it was just made up to keep humans full of hope, that it was a lie. But all that changed since I met my Elizabeth Bennet. I never thought I would find myself completely and utterly consumed by another until her. She took my hand and led me out of the darkness and showed me that, whatever our souls are made of, hers and mine are the same.”

That is not my story of love, they’re words from a book that I absolutely love.

I always wanted to experience and write about love. And not to lie, it has taken me nearly a year to write this blog. After all, what could a girl in her early 20’s say or possibly write about love when she has just stepped into the real world ? Who and why would anyone be interested to read my story? What new words and experiences about love could I possibly write when so much has already been said by each and every Lover? What could I ever write that wasn’t fictional but deeply and personally related to me?

To be honest, Ive always been a hopeless romantic. Growing up I’ve spent countless amount of time binge watching movies, reading romance novels and listening to songs that spoke longing, passion and heartbreak . From classic Bollywood movies of SRK or movies like Jab We Met to The Fault in Our Stars , The Idea of You , The Notebook, Romeo and Juliet , Call Me by Your Name , La La Land - I’ve lived it all through stories. And of course every Taylor Swift songs I could possibly think of ; honestly the list is endless.

But no matter how many stories I read or watched, I longed to write one of my own - one that wasn’t as perfect as the movies I had watched or the books that I read, but something that was mine . I wanted a story that solely belonged to me.

And for the longest time, I tried . I wrote poems about love or just thoughts that helped me to deal with my emotions. But I felt that they were too delicate and raw, with words I never dared to say aloud. They were fragments of me , too personal to share , too scared to be misunderstood. So I kept those words hidden , just for myself.

And strangely I did realise that I had found and experienced love. But it wasn’t the kind that made my heart race or it wasn’t about holding hands and those passionate kisses that I had watched in movies or the books that I had read- It was nothing like that. My story of love came from a small unpredictable being - my cat , Kawri .

I’ve always felt a deep connection with cats, as if they’re my spirit animal. And I know that some people think that they’re mysterious, unpredictable and even selfish. But to me they’re the most gentle , kind and the most adorable and loving creatures. And Kawri was no different. She was my soulmate in the purest sense and my mom used to say that she was a cat version of me. On the days when the world felt too loud she used to sit by my side , her eyes filled with nothing but love and understanding. She just knew.

The first time Kawri was pregnant , she was barely six to seven months old- a teen cat , much too young to face the weight of motherhood. I remember how scared she was , her wide eyes searching for answers that neither of us had - unaware of what was happening to her and around her. That was the most frightened I had seen her. But in that moment , she trusted me. She did not allow anyone to be near her except me . She trusted me to stay by her side to pet her and be there with her through something that neither of us had experienced before. And I did.

A few minutes passed by and I saw the tiniest creatures entering into the world. I can’t even explain how it felt- to witness love in its rawest form. It was nothing like the stories that I had read and neither it was cinematic. It was just my cat welcoming a piece of herself into this world.

And that incident made me realise now that love isn’t about grand gestures or passionate things. Sometimes its just about the presence of someone - being there holding space , understanding something or someone as they are . It’s about trusting someone and being there with someone in happiness or in pain . That its not always loud and it can be found in simple and quite moments too - like a cat purring in your lap cause it loves you , the comfort of silent understanding ,and the strength of knowing that even when the world feels uncertain and harsh someone chooses to stay. Its like a tight hug that makes you feel like home!

- Tanishka

March 22, 2025

[3tanishqa]

Dusk Till Dawn

To You

I wanted to tell the world I was in sorrow

I wanted to tell the world I was full of joy

I wanted to tell the world how my day drifted by

I wanted to tell the world the films that I adored and the songs that I loved the most.

I wanted to tell the world the bizzare thoughts that lingered in my mind at the dead of the night

I wanted to tell the world the nightmares that I had and the wildest dreams that I have.

I wanted to tell the world how calm and peaceful everything felt under the blue lights

I wanted to tell the world how beautiful the dusk was and how lovely the dawn felt

I wanted to tell the world I was head over heals

And boy oh boy I told YOU!

- Tanishka

(Dusk Till Dawn An Anthology)

06/10/2024

[3tanishqa]

To The Address Unknown.

Dear Reader,

Had millions of questions unasked,

And millions were unanswered.

Two unsent handwritten letters

For which the address is unknown.

Several incomplete poems,

Tried my best to describe you.

How am I supposed to complete them?

If I didn't even meet you.

Said “I want to give you flowers”,

Where am I supposed to deliver it?

And will you be there to receive them?

Standing; at the address unknown.

I am scared of my own self-

All these delusions and emotions.

Truth; dare through out the night,

Alongwith a few random confessions.

Confused within my own thoughts-

Advices; and everything between the right and the wrongs.

Seeing how all falls down;

Midnight and the same two songs.

I don't understand the art of letting go -

And ‘Pain demands to be felt ’ they say.

And I know you won't be there to hold me;

Because now for you, I'm not a soulmate rather a person unknown.

- Tanishka

03/07/2024

[3tanishqa]

A Known Fragrance

Coffee shop, sunday noon -

End of June, drizzle soon.

Endless talks, work to do

Without a coffee for two.

Morning shower-

A known fragrance fills the air

Tight warm hug -

And reminders of you I wear.

-Tanishka

1/07/2024

[3tanishqa]

The Rain

I'm walking on a road;

a road so called as life.

I stand there ;

Watching the people as they pass by .

Each soul different, one of its own kind

Looking at me ,

Emptiness filled in my mind.

I stand there looking at the sky as it gets cloudy;

Soon my mind clouded by questions.

Slowly the drizzle starts;

And eventually, the rain of questions keep pouring.

I stand there still ;watching the rain trun into a storm .

Like I've never seen before

Like I've never known before.

I am drenched ;

Not having an umbrella, having none to hold.

Trying to walk I stumble ,

Understanding it's getting difficult to walk on this road.

I am tired ; tired of this rain.

Tired of finding a shelter.

What can I do ?

Wait for the sunlight perhaps,

Wait; for the time to pass by,

Wait for the daylight.

Hope for it to be golden.

Wait for it to be golden.

- Tanishka

25/06/2024

[3tanishqa]

What is love? (Part One)

Love is sitting in the gallery at midnight staring at the moon and writing a note to your people. Love is creating a playlist with your comfort person and then singing that 10 minute song on top of your lungs on the terrace whenever you meet them. Love is being cringe and not being judged for being cringe. Love is sending Diwali post cards to your best friend knowing that no one uses them nowadays. Love is writing the radom stupid messages and sending voice notes that have no meaning at all. Love is being able to write what Love is and probably posting it too soon because you're too excited to share it. Love is writing a poem to yourself knowing that you have your back first.

Love is million little things. Love is like the moon it has it different forms and phases but it's there always. It's the joy in those little things. Sometimes little things do matter the most and that's what brings happiness to life . It's like the moon; different phases but it's there always, so we have to look up at it and admire it as much as we can.

[3tanishqa]

Dear Reader,

After I uploaded my first blog I felt a rush of excitement to write more, maybe because I felt like a professional writer. I know that I'm no where near close to compare myself with a professional writer but maybe it gave me joy and I think sometimes it's good to hype yourself. I couldn't wait to write more and share my thoughts and experiences as i was going through any situation. However, I also reminded myself not to cross the fine line between sharing my experiences and oversharing. As I've mentioned countless times now , how writing has helped me with dealing with my emotions; when I am sad when I am happy when I am in grief and when I am in pain. I convey those emotions and thoughts through writing; through letters. I feel truly myself when I convey anything through letters. As if it's my very own love language.

I have always found letters to be fascinating , dramatic and emotional. Infact, some of my favourite books/movies and songs revolve around letters. From the heart touching, emotional and the most dramatic letters in “The Notebook” and “The Perks of being a Wallflower” to the letter exchanges in “The Last Letter From Your Lover”. Not to forget the iconic letters from Darcy to Elizabeth in Jane Austen's ‘Pride and Prejudice’, which I find extremely difficult to understand yet think they're emotional , sincere and fascinating. The letters from Franz Kafka to Felice Bauer which by the way I'm currently obsessing over and has my whole heart, in the book called “Letters to Felice” makes me want to go back in that period where only letters were used as a way communicating with people. The longing to receive a letter and the excitement to read it while feeling thousands of emotions all at once and then replying to it whether in happiness or in grief, with a smile or with tears; it's just a true emotion of love. And to speak now one of my favourite song “Back to December” unfolds the tale of regret through a letter too.

So far, I've penned letters to my friends, to my teacher , my parents, to “Santa Claus” when I was a kid. There have been moments when I have scribbled a letter to my very own soul too, sometimes in joy and sometimes as a coping mechanism. Who knows? Perhaps I've even penned a letter to you too!! When I write letters it's like I said feeling thousands of emotions all at once, the cascading river of emotions from my heart onto the paper while writing makes me feel alive, calm and myself.

Of course there have been times when I've felt the sting of regret after sending a letter, but I've learnt that these moments are just a part of life's journey. And I'm grateful for the ways in which writing letters has taught me to find the good in bad. And speaking of regret I think it's always going to be there. But dear reader “never take advice from someone who's falling apart.” Yet I hope that you liked reading this letter as much as I did writing it to you.

From me to you.

- Tanishka

11/10/2023

(Ps- Felt I could write more about it so had to edit it a bit)

[3tanishqa]

This is me trying

The truth is, I never knew what I wanted to do or what I want to do. Seeing so many people find their passion, what they love, and what they're good at sometimes makes me wonder when will I do all these things when will I find what I love. I heard someone say that you don't have to stick to a specific thing and say Ohh! that is something what I want to do or this is something that I'm passionate about without even trying out that “something”. Instead, you should explore new things and try your best to figure out what you actually love. What if you find out that there are multiple things that you love to do when you're exploring? I don't want this to be about me saying things to people like a philosopher and I don't even know whether I'm going to put this out there for people to read it. I actually don't know anything and that is what was killing me from inside. I have so many interests, I want to try out everything not that I expect that I would love everything that I try, or that will it stick with me forever as it does for many people like their “passion”.

I think people have a lot to say when they write what they feel than say or talk about it to someone else. I adore people who love to write for example, Taylor Swift (sorry I had to mention her). When we put our thoughts and emotions out there it makes the world understand us better and more than that I think it helps us to know ourselves and get closer to ourselves too. We as humans constantly think and talk to ourselves first and then to others. There are so many thoughts that constantly go through our minds and we don't even notice them. And I don't know maybe we all have the same thoughts but just at different times and different phases of life.

So far writing for me was just about putting out my thoughts and emotions on a piece of paper at midnights in the form of paragraphs and sometimes in the form of cringe poems; and not about using fancy words or phrases. The thing is I'm still figuring out what I love and this is why I'm trying or let's just say that " this is me trying" to put my thoughts out there in the form of a blog because I just had the thought that Ohh I would like to try this as well. And yes, I still will be figuring out forever that is writing my passion or just something that I thought to try out once.

7/03/2023