39185bae

[39185bae]

once again

everything feels like a chore. I can't do anything and I don't want to do anything.

[39185bae]

Repetition legitimizes.

*Check previous post to see the source idea and single element of this work: A little line.

[39185bae]

I'm starting a collection

[39185bae]

“People think being alone makes you lonely, but I don’t think that’s true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world.”

— Unknown

[39185bae]

Almost always I feel bad. Right now I feel bad. Earlier I felt bad.

I feel tired, or I feel like I'm going to puke. Or I feel regret, or I feel disgust, or I feel stupid.

I'm feeling tired right now.

I want to just write some music maybe. I need some time off work.

I don't feel optimistic or hopeful for the future.

[39185bae]

boomer ranged

the boomers rang now I have to return to office

not too thrilled about it. gonna lose a lot of my time to driving. won't be able to stay up late doing homework so this will impact my classes.

did this job for years remotely now they decide that i need to come back in for reasons that make no sense to me. i won't be collaborating with people, i'll be invisibly working at my desk like i was before covid, not taking lunch breaks bc I just want to leave.

i guess i should be thankful i have a job but i still must complain because it is all i have.

[39185bae]

things I love

things, not people, that I love

rain, heavy rain, strong wind, windy days, raining hard enough for an umbrella but not so hard the umbrella is useless, the sound of the rain, the sound of the wind music, guitar, piano, drums, electronic synthesizers, distortion, ableton, headphones, effects pedals

[39185bae]

ableton

I developed a couple of piano lines which I played and recorded in ableton. Then I added a bit of drums to it and made it into a fun song, but then I sped it up from 120bpm to 200bpm and it sounds really cool to me. It reminds me of video game music, maybe like super mario world.

I moved my piano 90 degrees from against the wall to perpendicular to my desk so I can just turn in my chair to play it. I've been having a good time learning some basic bass lines and toying with just playing in general. I'm still far from good but I'm having fun.

[39185bae]

critical thinking

In my 7th grade first period science class I got a 100% on a "critical thinking" test which had a bunch of questions that had tricky questions that if you didn't think about properly you'd get the wrong answer. My teacher said I was the first person in her history of teaching to get a 100% and I was like yay and at parent-teacher conferences she told my parents and so every time I fucked up at home my mom always had that loaded up to throw in my face. "You got 100% on a critical thinking test but you can't" clean your room or something idfk. Just popped into my mind and I wanted to write about it.

[39185bae]

I'm tired of the 'if I had a nickel for every time [blank], I'd have two nickels...which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice' trope meme thing.

I guess I'm tired of most things these days. I've written like two posts and deleted them because I figured it didn't matter, but I only made this blog so I could write what I wanted and not worry about people reading it. I can't remember what the other one was about.

I have lots of little tunes that I'd like to share with the world but I'm afraid of someone stealing my original tunes and doing stuff that makes them lots of money and leaves me wishing I'd done something about it instead. I just listened to a little tune I sent someone a few months back and I was confused because I didn't know I could play it. Pretty weird to me.

[39185bae]

crayohmygod

crayons have such a distinct crunch sound when trampled by a toddler

[39185bae]

nick names prick names

Several times in my life I have been in a situation where I am interacting with new people that I have never met, but the other people obviously know them and are referring to them by a certain name. Then, when I used that name to address them, they rudely say "My name is [blank],' sometimes prefacing it with, 'You can't call me that,' which just really was shitty of them. I will hold a grudge against all of them for that forever.

Only one time has it happened and the person was cool about it. I had only heard him called this name by some girl and so I had assumed that was his name. He said that's not his name and to please not call him that and I said sure thing. I then asked why she called him that and he said he didn't fucking know but he hated it.

[39185bae]

i'm probably late to the party on this but a teeshirt with the supreme typeface font but it says half cheese half pepperoni

i'm sure someone made a none with left beef version of it. if not that's probably dumb

[39185bae]

fuck yeah

[39185bae]

chilling experience

ice cubes melting in the sink create perfect spooky sounds from the kitchen when it is quiet in the house. they melt and eventually SLIP and CRASH in the drain and then you get STARTLED and the dog gets startled too but then you remember it's not a burglar or intruder or monster. it's just the ice cubes you threw in the sink after spilling them in the floor while trying to pour the ice into your cup. no need to investigate further

[39185bae]

social media sucio mierte

I had an aol homepage before I ever knew anything about the internet. I updated it sporadically and my friends seemed to enjoy the random comments and dumb stuff I said on it. Later years I had a xanga and facebook and possibly a livejournal, but by then I was too 'emo' and I just complained a lot and nobody cared and even I eventually stopped caring and I just deleted them. I don't remember my timeline with facebook. I had it in high school and college but at some point I stopped using it and deleted my account. Twitter was the same. I didn't ever use it but when I did nobody gave a shit so I eventually stopped using it and now I just have it but don't use it. I have an instagram account but I should probably just delete it too. I just need a place to write dumb stuff in my rambling stream of consciousness way that I used to do things and I think tumblr will allow me to do that and it'll be private enough for me I guess? I don't really know how it works fully.

[39185bae]

do people actually title their posts on here

everything feels dumb right now. one kid sick and the other just got over sickness and now spouse is sick. I have class all day tomorrow so I hope I don't get sick. I was on vacation yesterday and today so I just did whatever. It's only 8:34 but I feel like I don't have time do anything. I took a shower and got kid ready with their costume and took them to school. Then went to grocery store to get beverages for spouse. Now I'm just at home chilling and I should do some of my assignments but I'm not really in the mood to do that right now. I don't especially feel like playing guitar and I don't think there are any movies I want to watch. I think I have already finished Trackmania for this season; I haven't been able to make any improvements on any of the tracks and even if I wanted to play it my brain won't let me unless I have something on in the background. I might just need caffeine so I'll go make a cup of coffee.