1-541deathpls

[1-541deathpls]

—Fyodor Dostoevsky

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Been on the verge of killing myself or completely changing my appearance and life the past couple of months. Can’t decide.

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It hurts to know that my last two relationships ended in death.

I wish it was just a normal break up. Crying over a stupid boy. Talking shit about them to my friends. Hate them or be civil with them and eventually move on.

But when it comes to death, the grieving never ends. It’s always in the back of your mind.

I wish I could move on.

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Watching prison break cause I’ve ran out of shows to watch and my bf put it on. It low key triggers me because it reminds me of when you were locked up.

“Please wait for me”

“I can’t wait anymore”

“Sorry I haven’t been able to / couldn’t call. We had a lock down”

*outsider doesn’t answer the phone or visit. Inmate feels hurt, betrayal and confusion. Outsider feels guilt and sadness*

“We’re going to get married”

“He didn’t use. He had a bad heart. If he touched that stuff, it’d kill him. It was a set up”

That last one hit cause you had a bad heart too. You died on the same day you went in 3 years later. I don’t think it’s a coincidence. Maybe it is but it just doesn’t sit right with me.

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I can’t believe you’re gone… like actually gone.

Nothing left but the memories that make me laugh my ass off and cry till I’m numb.

It’s crazy to think that everything is fine and perfect one moment then with the snap of your fingers, life becomes a nightmare you can’t wake up from.

Please wake me up.

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I would think about this a lot. When you’d get out, what would we talk about. How would we act. Those thoughts quickly died when I heard you were no longer with us. But I still think about what our conversations would’ve been like.

Fuck. I just miss you. It hurts in the core of my soul. It’ll never heal and that’s what makes me want to give up.

i’m sorry every song’s about you

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I’ve talked about my grief and pain but it’s been glossed over immensely because I know they don’t understand or I’ve talked about them too much that I feel like I’m being annoying but their deaths have consumed me. It’s always in the back of my mind or the tip of my tongue. I feel like talking about them keeps the memories alive. I’m a forgetful person so if I don’t talk about it enough I’ll forget. I want to forget but they were such a big part of my life that if I did there would be 10 years of my life unaccounted for.

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Oof. Needed to hear this. Was thinking about hitting her up but fuck her😂

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Nobody asked but this is a break down of the lyrics for my situation. This song would be his POV.

“Me and my lover came to an end

I didn't want that

But I guess she did”

—He was in prison. I was only 17, not going to school or getting out of bed due to depression, I couldn’t stay—

“Sleepless nights have only begun

Swear I thought she was the one

The girl of my dreams”

—He had insomnia. He’d fall asleep in seconds when we’d sleep together. Quote from his letter “If your voice were to turn into a physical element I would take it and use it as my pillow in my coffin so I can rest soundly and softly for all eternity.” —

“All my nightmares came to ruin my life

Mercy had no time

And time had no mercy on me”

—His family and I didn’t think he’d be locked up for long. Maybe a month or two but during his hearing they had announced 5 years—

“I felt so dumb thinking one day you could be my wife

Never thought you would lie

When you said you loved me”

—He had proposed to me behind a plastic window. After leaving him and having mainly nothing to do but to think, he doubted my love for him—

“Nothing can bring me back to life

After you left me to die

On a road far away”

—During the same hearing, he was also sent to Colorado to finish his time and is unfortunately where he would take his last breath—

“Love and lies shine so bright

'Cause they both made me blind

And I crashed as I looked away”

—He had become angry with me and the world. He didn’t trust anyone—

“Ghost of my past haunts my present

As there he welcomed

My agony and pain

He said I'll be gone before you know

Just finish this song

And you'll be where you belong”

—The actions of his past caught up to him and took him away from us. I want to think the “he” in the song is referring to Death himself saying “This will be quick. Don’t worry”—

Thank you for coming to my “depressed and overthinking @ 2am” TedTalk

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The moon dressed as Saturn.

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Call me selfish but I just want a friend that’ll put me first. I’ve always been the second choice even if we’ve been friends longer or I’ve been there. Every. Fucking. Time when they needed me.

I don’t wanna be that friend that they’ll come to when their first choice is busy. Of course I’ll say yes because they probably don’t wanna be alone with their thoughts or whatever and I don’t have anything better to do than to rot in bed but it’s still a shitty feeling.

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I want to forget.

I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

I am just so fucking tired.

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Damn.. Just cried my eyes out cause I was thinking about you and this was the first things that came up.

I’m sorry..

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One of my worst qualities is that I get my hopes up for something that could be something special or important but the smallest and/or a few inconveniences happen and I shut myself off from the idea completely before I get hurt or become even more disappointed.

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For those who never got a proper goodbye.

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Though it never felt right

My little Versailles🥀

sufjan stevens // fourth of july

[1-541deathpls]

Anaïs Nin, from the diary of Anais Nin, vol. VI: 1955-1966