0nlinejournal

[0nlinejournal]

10.21.2024

[0nlinejournal]

10/22/2024 10:33am

Incredibly busy week. Multiple birthdays, pricey matenince on my car, a market, and a pumpkin carving sesh.

Started the weekend (Thursday) off with a small movie night at my coworker’s new house. We watched Holes.

Friday morning I dropped my car off at the mechanic, and by 5pm I was paying $900. Later that evening I was dressed as Megara and making my way to a friend’s house for a costume birthday party. Everyone seemed to be proficiently intoxicated. I’ve actually been getting a little overwhelmed at these larger events recently, so I kept my drunkenness level at a reasonable tipsy. After a few waters and some time I went home. Successfully removed my makeup, and passed out.

The next day (Saturday) we were up early to take my best friend to breakfast for her birthday. We went to a place I’ve never been to before, and I will be going back. After that we took her a town over for some thrifting, but we stumbled upon some town event that blocked off the small downtown area. We walked around, I got her a lemonade, and we made our way to the one store we ended up going to that day. We were incredibly tired after the shop, so we went straight home. Partially to nap, for a few hours later we were at our regular bar for birthday celebrations. It was enjoyable.

Next day (Sunday) I was up earlier than I wanted to be for a market down the street my friend convinced me to vend. If you were to have been outside for just a moment it felt lovely, but sitting outside all day made me irate. I’m not made to sit in the heat. I sold a good bit of things, though. Made around ~$130. I was so ready to be done I left thirty minutes early.

Yesterday (Monday) I went back to work, and then afterward, scrambled to the grocery store to buy pumpkins and pumpkin carving kits with the love of my life, because we were hosting. We all sat on my living room floor surrounded by trash bags filled with pumpkin innards while Over the Garden Wall played on the TV.

I work again today. I am tired.

11:01am

[0nlinejournal]

10/01/2024 5:50am

Quickly! I have ten minutes until we open our doors. I’m not sure what has changed in the past few days, but I have been feeling immensely better. Maybe it’s because I’ve been remembering to consistently take my vitamins. Maybe it’s because I’ve been allowing myself to indulge in other peoples vapes (lol wouldn’t that be so stupid?). Maybe it’s hormones? When I started writing again it was what I like to call “Hell Week”. The week before my period I get borderline su*c*dal. If not out right so. It’s like a hellish surprise every month.

But anyways, I’m feeling better. Hopefully it sticks.

Time for work. Oh! I got a raise!! I can’t wait for that to kick in. A whole $2.50 more. Insane.

Okay I really gotta go, I’d like to write again later today, we’ll see though.

6:00am

[0nlinejournal]

09.28.2024

[0nlinejournal]

I don't know how to stress this enough:

Please don't get yourself addicted to nicotine.

I wish that I could convincingly get the message across that being addicted sucks ass. I have been vaping since I was 18, and I am now 27 (28 rapidly approaching), and I fucking hate myself for getting addicted. Because lets be honest, it looks cool (I find that arguable now, but it felt cooler when I was younger). I thought it looked cool and I liked the feeling it gave me and everyone was doing it so why not?

Now, my entire mood depends on my access to nicotine. At first I don't even think I was fully conscious of it, but soon I realized that if I had to go for long periods of time without nicotine I become irate. I know that might not seem like a huge deal, but the idea of having your mood in the hands of something that is actively harming you is so fucking irritating. It becomes all I can think about when I don't have it. I get irritable with those around me when I don't have it. It's fucking embarrassing. And people don't deserve that. But it's hard to put on a happy face when all you want (it really becomes more of a need) and all you can think about is somehow getting your hands on nicotine.

I actually quit last year. It was an entire year. I just recently gave in again. I haven't bought my own, but I've been roaching off of others like a fiend. It's pathetic.

The cravings never stop. They get a bit more tolerable, but they never fully stop. When you're stressed or pissed or whatever, you will still always crave nicotine. I just wish it was something that I never consumed. I wish that my life wasn't going to be forever tied to this disgusting bullshit.

I quit last year because I started having health problems. I had to go to the hospital. Something happened in my brain. I couldn't understand people speaking to me, their words sounded like gibberish. I felt like a baby who couldn't understand language. I thought I was going to die. That sounds dramatic, but I did. I was really really scared. It happened once and I thought it was a one off, but it happened again a few weeks later while I was at work. It began as cold sweats, and then I was on the bathroom floor vomiting with the worst pain I've ever felt in my abdomen. I couldn't hear, and then when I could, I couldn't understand people. I couldn't remember my address. I couldn't even fill out the paperwork at the hospital because I couldn't read. Like, my brain wasn't processing the letters on the page.

And even with that experience, I still crave it so much that it makes me fucking cry sometimes. It feels like curse.

I don't know what would appeal to the younger generations to prevent them from vaping/smoking/zyns (I'm certain it's probably not someone telling them they thought they were gonna die and that sometimes the cravings make them cry), but I don't know. I just felt like I needed to get the message out there. I'm sure y'all are getting plenty of targeted anti-vaping ads, but I know those are corny and the appeal of others doing it can be more persuasive.

Is vaping cool in schools right now? Or is it generally looked down upon? Straight up, throw vapes in the trash, or across a fucking parking lot. I condone bullying of this subject I don't care. It fucks with your skin and your body and it makes you feel like shit generally (although you might not notice it consciously). It's ugly. It's an ugly gross addiction. And it's expensive. Unnecessary waste of money.

I did not mean to rant this long.

[0nlinejournal]

I want to express my being as fully as I can because somewhere I picked up the idea that I could justify my being alive that way.

- The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

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09.28.2024

[0nlinejournal]

09.28.2024

[0nlinejournal]

09/28/1:56am

Ended up going out tonight. Ofelia said she was going to end up at Maya’s after work, and that I should come. So I went and we ate chicken pot pie. We left fairly early (I believe it was like 8:30pm) because Ofelia wanted to go out and I said that I would leave when she left since I had walked to Maya’s. I didn’t want to walk home in the dark.

I decided that maybe I’d go out to. If I felt like it by the time Ofelia was done getting ready. I didn't really want to, but I’ve been so bored at home. It was pleasant. We ran into a friend and chatted for a bit. Frank ended up stopping by for a second as well. I’m actually going to see him tomorrow. He’s going to change my brake pads.

Anyway, I’m home now. Reading Perfume until I fall asleep.

Goodnight.

2:01am

[0nlinejournal]

09/27/2024 1:15pm

I could’ve picked up my coworker’s shift today, but I did not. I feel a little bad about it. She casually mentioned she had a final a few days ago, but also left out the time. Which, either way, having to work on the day of a final sucks. I can get behind that. But if you work after? I don’t want to pick it up, selfishly. I know it. I do feel bad about it, still. But I’m really trying to value my time off. And not to make it sound like I’m being a bit petty, although I know deep down that there is a bit of pettiness, but she never picks up anyone’s shifts ever. She has two shifts a week, usually ends up putting one of those shifts up, and then never helps anyone else out. Even when she’s not in school! I guess I am a bit salty about it.

Her parents came into quite a bit of money this past year, so she came into quite a bit of money this past year. Which is fantastic for her, but has completely altered her work ethic or care for picking up shifts. I mean, if I didn’t have to, I wouldn’t either. I just don’t really understand why she doesn’t quit. They pay her rent, her tuition, and give her spending money. Actually, I have asked her about it before. I do know why. She said her parents still want her to have a job so that she doesn’t become detached from the real world. Which, would be fine if they weren’t also putting a deadline on graduation for her. They expect her to do well, graduate next year, and work? Why?? Why work?? She’s not going to become detached in her last year of college. She’s worked the ducking customer service industry long enough to not turn into a monster, I think.

It just isn’t helpful for the rest of us at work. And it’s an unfair amount of pressure for her in my eyes. They’re hard on her.

Anyway, I’m at a cafe right now. Trying to find ways to get out of the house. I got a 4 dollar Americano. I don’t really like drinking iced coffee but it’s still too hot, so I submitted to an iced drink. But, the ice is chunky as shit, and there wasn’t very much liquid. I’m considering getting another one. But man, I don’t want to spend four more dollars.

I could’ve sat inside but I think I need to be outside for the sake of brain happiness. It does feel nice to be outside, even if it is a bit hot. It’s not toooo hot. There’s a wonderful breeze. I brought two books with me. The Journals of Sylvia Plath, and Perfume. I’m trying to stick with creepy/eerie books for the season. Sylvia Plath does not fall into that, I just brought her along. It’s weird being out and about alone. I feel like I haven’t just, done something on my own in a minute.

I think I’m going to try to read now.

1:36pm

[0nlinejournal]

09.25.2024

[0nlinejournal]

09/26/2024 12:13pm

Sitting outside while baby is basking in the sun. The weather is slightly cooler today. There’s also a wonderful breeze. I was talking to my coworker yesterday about how I think half the problem I’ve been having is because it’s unbearable to go outside. Not that I go outside a ton when it’s not unbearable, but I think maybe I linger out here a bit more.

Our apartment is a cave. No beams of light make their way through our windows. During the day the dark coolness of the place feels suppressing. Maybe that sounds odd, usually it’s heat that suppresses, but maybe you get what I mean. The damp and the cool feels like it wants to keep you there.

Woah, big gust of wind! Oh man that feels wonderful.

But yeah, dark days inside. Not sure what to do with myself when I��m home during the days. Ive just been reading a fuck ton. But… if I could at least read outside. I think that would help my brain feel more like a person.

I feel oddly nice this morning. I’m still greasy from yesterday, not hungover from my wine night with Ofelia, and didn’t wake up with the feeling of impending doom. How. Pleasant.

Yesterday work was boring. No signs of our squirrel friend. But, there was a man. I didn’t notice him when I came in, but my coworker brought him to my attention before she left. She said he’d already been there for an hour, sitting in the corner, smiling at people. I flicked my eyes over to him. Sure enough, there he was, full teeth grinning at anyone who passed him. No drink other than a depleted water cup. Sat squarely between both entrances. He immediately became unnerving when you realized his grin did not falter.

After two younger dudes called to express how creepy he was (they likened him to the movie Smile) my coworker went to speak to him, and he left on his own accord shortly after.

My coworker said that he looked like he was tripping. He asked him to stop staring at people or he would ask him to leave. The man turned toward the window, and it seemed like he was trying really hard not to stare at people, but in the end he was just too high and kept getting distracted with people as they walked in and out.

I’m off today. Not sure what I’ll do with myself. Other than read for a bit.

12:35pm

[0nlinejournal]

09/25/2024 11:37am

I'm eating an apple. Typing with one hand. I work in an hour. I feel like i shouldn't give the creeping depression as much attention as I have been. I seem to not be able to stop myself ruminating on the growing feeling of helplessness and apathy. Thoughts like, "why do I have to feel this way again? what if i never feel better? what if i have to live life with this feeling always in the back of my mind? I don't know if I want to do that".

Really, the hopelessness paired with the more extreme intrusive thoughts are what affect me the most. Flashes of things I don't want to see. Those thoughts bring me to violent crying fits. Wailing with whispers of help and I don't want to be in my own head. But those thoughts are the ones that aren't always there, they just creep up sometimes. And periodically they come in much longer waves.

I’m in the middle of a longer wave. I don’t want to feel this way, and I know I’ll come out on the other side, I always do. But being stuck here for right now feels like torture. Everything is hard. And in my free time I have no desire to do anything that typically interests me. It doesn’t feel good to feel nothing.

Ah, I need to make a doctor’s appointment. I also need to see a psychiatrist.

There’s been a squirrel hanging around outside the coffee shop I work at. I wonder if she’ll be there today.

12:00pm

[0nlinejournal]

09.23.2024

[0nlinejournal]

09.21.2024

[0nlinejournal]

09/21/2024 11:25pm

Today was actually an extremely pleasant day. I woke up to Sweet Baby Angel Girl needing to go outside, and I expected to stay up and read until the Love of my Life arose. I ended up asleep on the couch instead. I did wake up and crawl back in bed for a bit before we both got up and got ready to head over to my mother's. Having any day off during the weekend is abnormal for me, so when I found out I asked her if we could come over to hang out. We had a very chill day of lounging in her little above ground pool chatting about nothing important. Her boyfriend made burgers and Nuremberg brats. We ended the visit playing Scategories before unintentionally leaving a bit later than we had intended to.

Since getting home I've washed the bedding, taken a shower, and washed the dishes. I work early tomorrow, though. I need to get my reading in and fall asleep soon so I'm well rested for tomorrow. Good day! Excited to have had a good day. Feeling extremely appreciative.

11:36pm

[0nlinejournal]

09.21.2024