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I've had a few seizures today so excuse the poetry, it's the only way I can think right now because I'm having some Gender Feelings(tm). But of course this goes for any type of person, LGBT or otherwise. they're just words

I want to be a man in a butterfly way, like how one day you realize there are male ladybugs too.

I want to be a woman in a ship way, where no matter who says they control you, they can't cross the ocean without you.

I want to be a man in a "merman" way, where untrustworthy men avert their gaze, because to them, I'm no different than the mermaids.

I want to be a woman in a knight way, and a man in a vampire way. A woman in a mama bear way, and a man in a crow way. A woman in a queen of death way, and a man in a sun god way.

A woman who's preserved in a painting, and a man who's preserved in stained glass.

I want to be a great woman for my grandmother, and a better man than my ancestors. I feel the silent rage of all the mothers before me, and the outward suffering of all the fathers before me, and want to soothe both.

I'll be the sinner my granddaughters need and the saint my grandsons need.

gender sucks because I feel like I can do so much, but only after I transition. I can only hope my friends are as accepting once I get there.

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as a reminder to the self...

everyone has embarrassing memories. A lot of your embarrassing memories might have to do with trauma, but it's okay, because you didn't know any better, and at least you're not embarrassed because you were being an asshole and were put in your place.

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the pipeline to becoming a lesbian wasn't all-girl sleepovers in middle school. the pipeline to becoming a lesbian was shaving the side of your head in 2016 aND YOU KNOW IT

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ALSO also

hey funny how pumpkin spice lattes are seen as "basic" (derogatory) and something stupid to want but the McRib from McDonalds is exciting.

pumpkin spice lattes are exciting too. that's why they're so popular. also, they're seasonal. McRibs are ALSO seasonal.

could we all just.... put our little lizard brains together.... and think about why that is??????? hmmmmm..........

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...how... about...... we DON'T......... use the word "psycho"............ to...... refer to...... people............... who are just generally unagreeable............ just call them dickheads if you're so inclined

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when i was old enough to roll the dice on my own gender I rolled snake eyes and thought "ha. boobs" to myself and now I'm bigender and have managed to ONLY date people who came out as transwomen during our relationships. cha ching!

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teeny tiny little rant rant rant

We need words for "afab people and intersex people who apply" and "amab people and intersex people who apply" and similar things because when I'm talking generally about people who have periods or who have erections or people who have boobs and I'm trying to be succinct, saying "females" "males" and things like "breast-havers" and "penis-havers" makes me feel silly and scummy. And then sometimes I have to explain to people that I'm not reducing people to their genitals or physical characteristics, I'm just trying to be SUCCINCT

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being a writer is phenomenal!

Just yesterday I was telling my fiancee about how being a writer is fantastic because you learn to become a professional bullshitter.

I said this because I figured out how to make ocean salty fish in a freshwater desert river. This also led to an idea of a nearby desert civilization's biggest export being farmed salt.

That thought process led me here. Less than 24 hours later, I woke up and IMMEDIATELY opened my phone to research how sand can be turned into concrete.

I started my day on concrete.org. CONCRETE.ORG. I didn't even know that was a thing! Opened my eyes and immediately found my way there! Hadn't even stretched for the morning!

Creating this world is such a fun hobby.

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wait. but 2015 was 3 years ago. you're telling me it's almost been a whole decade since 2015? defenestrate oneself.

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pronoun dysphoria and DID???? ugh. (long post)

to preface again: I have not been officially diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder but I have been aware of my system for a few years now and my therapist is aware as well. It's just more concise to say "DID" instead of "undiagosed DID" or "my system" in most cases.

also I'm not a professional and these are my own personal experiences. I don't claim that the things I talk about in this are universal experiences to trans people or people with systems.

anyhoo.

Being trans and having DID has caused no issues for me - we're all part of the same brain after all - UNTIL NOW.

Pronouns. ugh.

So hi, my name is R-OSE. I'm the host of this system. I'm bigender and use she/her and he/him pronouns, which I call she/him pronouns because it rolls off the tongue. I'm also not a robot, my name is spelled like that because my initials spell out R-OSE and, hey! that's a whole name by itself.

I've only just figured out my identity in the past year, so I'm still in the beginning stages of telling people and getting them to shuffle over to the new name and pronouns.

I'm also notoriously socially anxious and awkward, especially when it comes to telling people important details about myself, so I also haven't really told anyone that I have DID. ha haaaaa

As a quick way to explain stuff to people that don't know, I just say my chosen name is Renn by my nickname is Rose. Thing is, our chosen name holds a lot of meaning for all of us together, so if you're referring to our system as a whole, you'd use Renn. You'd also use Renn if you didn't know an alter's name, if you weren't sure who's forward at the moment, or if you're referring to our body and nobody in particular. We all use Renn as a shared, general system name.

We did this because we think it's really cool and know it will help manage life, but again, we're terrified of sharing things that are important to our identity!!!!!! yay!!!!!!

Soooo pronouns. Figuring out my identity and how to manage my DID long-term have very much come hand in hand, and figuring out pronouns has become the next big step.

After switching to she/him pronouns after using singular they/them pronouns for so long, I was wondering why I'm still so happy to use they/them pronouns, even though I grew uncomfortable using them.

I've finally figured out that we like to use PLURAL they/them pronouns when referring to our system, so we'd use Renn and plural they/them pronouns to refer to our system in general and such.

BUT when it comes to explaining this to people, I don't want to say I'm okay with she/they/he because that sends the wrong message. I WANT to explain that I'm R-OSE with she/him pronouns, and all my other alters have their own names and pronouns, but if you're referring to all of us, you'd use Renn and they/them pronouns because we're plural.

I feel like that's so simple in theory and practice, but I'm worried that nobody else would see it the same way.

I really really want to be more open about my system with other people and how it works in my life, but I'm so got-damn scared.

pronouns are complicated.

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"Autism wouldn't be a disability if society was different"

Full offense I didn't spend 18 years of life unable to take proper care of my hair because of society. People should've been more understanding, they shouldn't have stared and bullied me and treated me like the rest of me didn't matter, but they were right to be concerned. It was unhygienic.

There's never going to be a society with no difficult sensory input to tolerate, that's literally impossible. When I'm overloaded I can't function like usual. This could be improved with societal changes, but it'll always exist.

If everyone in society was accepting of my different social behaviour, I'd still miss cues and meanings that come naturally to most. That's disabling. Even if people are willing to explain, that's a disability accommodation. Accommodations don't make us not disabled.

We don't need a society where we're not disabled, we need a society where being disabled is accepted and accommodated as much as possible.

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Ohhhhhhh my good Lord, Universe, and various deities, I am actually vibrating from adrenaline. It's 5 in the morning and I would actually just be texting this to my fiance but they're on a plane right now and I just need to get it out.

I just woke up to my fiance's grandma screaming "HELP ME! AAAAAH! HELP! HELP ME!" and fully prepared for the worst of needing to get her to a hospital and figure out how to get someone else to pick up my fiance from the airport.

It was apparently just a nightmare and she thanked me for waking her. She said "It was terrible, I desperately wanted someone to come help me" and all I could do was chuckle.

WOW. wow. wow wow wow. UGH. oh my GOD that was scary. I've needed to mentally prepare myself for a lot of emergency medical shit on the spot - actually, wanted to be an EMT because I got so good at it before my body decided nah bro - but needing to mentally prepare myself for the worst with my finances GRANDMOTHER was a new one.

I've prepared for possible broken bones, my brother getting hit in the face so hard that my mom instantly passed out when she saw how much blood was coming out of her mouth so I was on my own, dealing with a possible overdose suicide, dealing with other possible suicides, skin and muscle being fucked up by peers' road accidents as a kid, car crashes (mine own with a cow at 45 mph and someone else's)... but NEVER have I mentally made the decision while jumping out of bed at 5 in the morning that if I have to be the one to try to help her while she screams her head off while she passes and there wasn't anything I could do, I'd sit with her, because that's just what I'd have to do.

WOW. HEAVY ENOUGH FOR 5 AM? J E S U S.

Well, I'm awake for a bit. Forever, actually. I don't think I'm ever sleeping again, I'm pretty sure. If my fiance sees this on their layover, HI, don't worry, it was just a nightmare. Hopefully I'll be asleep by then though so who knows, like this and we'll see if I'm still awake!

P.S. good to know that I'll actually wake up of someone starts screaming for help in the house. I hope I woke up fast enough to be important, if it actually ended up being an emergency.

Wow, is it nauseous in here or is it just me? Just me? Oh, cool. Good, good, good.

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DID and ADHD is like this:

[me]: .........OH SHIT THE LAUNDRY, RIGHT! Okay, well I don't know if the sheet got properly dried for this first run, and it's probably been in there for a while, so what I'll do is run it again for a few minutes so even if it's all dry it will be all warm and nice! So what I'll do is run it again, then watch a few videos, and when I'm done watching these videos I'll go get them!

[me]: ... oh I also have to pee... so when I start the dryer I'll go do that.

[dissociating]: *gets up and throws the pillows off the bed without thinking about it*

[me, still dissociative a slight bit]: ....oh shit wait, we don't need to do that yet, I forgot. I'll just put the pillows back on when I get back from the bathroom

[full autopilot]: *checks laundry dryness... fully dry*

[full autopilot]: *pulls contents out and goes back and starts putting sheet on the bed*

[me]: ...wait.......... somethings off......... OH I wasn't going to put the sheet on yet! I was going to let it get warm and watch some videos while I waited!

[some alter]: nah.

[me]: .....oh....... okay???

*completely makes bed*

[me]: *sits down and starts to watch videos*

[me]: ..........OH YEAH I HAVE TO PEE REAL BAD. YOU MESSED UP THE PLAN

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you know what? honestly? thank GOD we've figured out we can make WEIRD sunglasses. i need every pair i see, i don't care if they give me headaches in direct sunlight, this is FASHION

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It's so funny to me when influencers say something to try to be relatable and their followers are like "what? then maybe you shouldn't do that if that's how you feel" and the influencer has to be like "oh... yeah... sorry i kinda didn't actually mean it, i just thought it would make you laugh"

no "shade" to anyone in particular, I legitimately just think it's silly. Being an influencer is all about guessing the tides and sometimes it just works out like that. That's just like with the internet, I suppose - you're always going to be that awkward kid in middle school, desperately trying to be relatable so someone will hang out with you during lunch.

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You know what's creepy? I don't think it's liminal exactly, but definitely creepy... when it's dark outside but someone's lights are on and their window is open so you can see into their house, but you can't identify a single thing that you can see in the room.

There's a house next to ours that is renovating their basement, and the lights are left on at night for some reason, and when walking past the balcony I can see into a basement window. Between the construction equipment, torn up walls and floor, and random decor, I swear I cannot make out a single thing that I'm looking at. All I can understand is that I'm looking at piles of things, and some wood and concrete.

Shivers me timbers for some reason.

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oh my god. i just woke up feeling so sick that i feel like i've lost 50 Cool Guy points