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If this is okay, why am I still bleeding?

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I miss me with you. I miss you all the more. There are nights where you just pop out all of a sudden in my solace and the next thing I know, it's water works out of my eyes. I terribly miss you and I know it's not mutual but I just, miss you.

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The thing about this is I’m at peace. I managed to keep the peace I craved even before I chase after you. No, I wasn’t sad. Better yet, I’m no longer sad. I’ll always be a hopeless romantic that I hope the universe is only setting us up for the best that is yet to come. It will be us and only us.

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write a prose about the moon and the one you love ;)

Midnight Madness

It has always been one moon and I longed for it. Regardless of the phase, it will only be just one moon. Confused? I'm sure you are. Allow me to elaborate.

Countless of nights did it take for me to completely heal from the immeasurable amount of trauma I have had from the past. I have since yearned for a peaceful night where I ponder upon hopeful thoughts to cleanse of what's left of the toxins. One night, I asked the universe yet again for one last sign hoping that this time, I'm walking the right path. I made a pact with my demons that this will be the last and should it not work, I'll shut everything out. Since I found my freedom and peace, I have been this brave to gamble once more and for the last time.

Until I met you -- quite unexpectedly but welcomed. You did not come for me, in fact I came for you which is why it was unexpected. I thought I got through with the chase but turns out, it's what I really want. Just like a winter's promise, you were captivating. You alone shine by yourself yet you're unaware. You were dashing and your innocence from it is what made me chase you more, want you more. I liked it. I loved it.

Days, weeks, months passed and at long last, I finally can adore you with my own very eyes. Oh my soul screams to touch you and when I did, I heard my heart sang praises. The kind of song I never heard before. Pleasantly annoying and I love it still.

But each and every time, it has always been one moon. We will meet at the peak of the sun; spend solace together and brace for the moon. If only I can ask the moon to stay longer; to no longer go away. If only I could, I would. But I can only cherish each second the moon gave me with you and I did. I stay awake to remember how you look like beside me. I stay awake knowing your hand will search for mine even in your deep sleep and put your arms around me. I'm glad I stayed awake and tattooed it all in my mind.

Each and every time, we will only share one moon together and no matter how afraid I am for the moon to go away, I have to. It has been several phases of the moon since the last time and I want you to know, I'd trade all my suns for another one moon with you. Even if it's just one.

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What makes me adore you each day is that when I became so full of you, I didn’t begin emptying me. Instead, I look past it and move forward. I know, somewhere in between of what’s happening, we will become us.

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Stop proving me right when all along I’m rooting for is you to prove me wrong

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“Nothing in this world compares to the comfort and security of having someone just hold your hand”

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Roots

Where do I start? Let’s go to the roots of this overwhelming sadness. Friends, family and me. Unresolved issues. Inescapable curse. Undeniable truth.

You see, I didn’t grow up in a happy family nor a perfect one. Curated? Yes. I was designed to be perfect. My parents overlooked the fact that I’m flawed. They want a child that they can be proud of because they are not amongst themselves so they brought the burden unto me. Unconsciously? I’ll never know. I never want to know. They never supported me to the true things I like. I’m a sports guy but to them, it’s just a waste of time. I wasn’t given the chance to participate in the school’s volleyball team because to them, I should involve myself more on the bees. Quiz bees. Spelling bees. Math bees. Those kinds of bees. I was deprived of childhood. I never get to play with the kids in our street. I got toys, yes but are strategic and for logical uses like chess, billiards and the such. I learned to starve myself to buy the toys I truly want like beyblades, crush gears, trading cards and the likes. At such a young age, I learned to hide myself to my family because they made me feel the true me shouldn’t surface. I felt I wasn’t welcome. I created my own world. Curated my true self in my imagination, hence my imaginary friend. The only friend I know growing up.

Which brings us to friends. High school were the most exciting years of my life. I get to finally establish connections without any rules. I loved it. I had networks of friends. I easily fitted to all the circle in school. Come college years, I did just fine. But then, a series of tragedies happened. I experienced betrayal which really caused heavy trauma and seriously damaged me. A few years later, it happened again.

I’m seriously at lost. I’m trying to look for answers. Logical explanations that will keep me sane. I’ve been a very good friend. The kind of friend you’ll never hate. The kind of friend that’s always extra. That’s when it hit me. I am the problem. I’m always extra. I’m too much to handle.

It took me 25 years to figure out my friends weren’t really my friends. My demons were never truly gone. My curse? People I truly love will never love me. My family, my friends, the only girl and the boy of my dreams.

It took me 25 years to meet the boy I have always dreamed of. 25 years for me to actually look him in the eye, hold his hands and kiss his lips. Only to be brought up by reality that I’ve always been delusional. He will never love me. Just like my friends. Just like my family. He will soon cut our connection, regardless of how I believe it to be so strong. He will disappear and forget me. Just like everybody else. Why? Simply because I’m too much.

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I'm looking forward for a day I'll actually smile because I wake up happy, fulfilled and contented.

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Years later, I keep the grave alive. Not a month did I miss of bringing flowers. The wind on the other hand stopped blowing and my ship has been stagnant in the middle of the ocean with no direction but the current. I still have the same old brand new hopes, dreams, and plans but I changed. Hopefully, for the better.

“And there I was standing before a grave. My grave. A grave that lies within my failures, hopes, and dreams of the future. Six feet under, it peacefully rests. I am standing before it to reminisce what had once been me. Because now, the wind takes my ship’s course. I am sailing a different ocean along with a new hopes, dreams and plans of the future.”

—

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Sufjan Stevens / Taylor Swift / Gus Van Stant / Benjamin Alire Sáenz / Langston Hughes

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“I never paid any attention to people who told me to go out and live. I belonged always to whatever was far from me and to whatever I could never be. Anything that was not mine, however base, always seemed to me to be full of poetry. The only thing I ever loved was pure nothingness.”

― Fernando Pessoa, The Book of Disquiet

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“I hope you remember today that if you slip up, you can restart your day at any time. You don’t have to wait til the next day to start over. Just sit down, breathe for a few minutes, and start again.”

—

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It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply

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Maybe I’m not lost after all.

Maybe I’ve always been myself, I have just evolve to someone I’m not used to wake up to yet. Maybe I’ve been me this entire time enhanced with dexterity. Although the enhancement feels more like a downgrade. Maybe I have found me shivering in the cold long ago. Sheltered myself, nurtured and cared for. Until I’ve become too much for myself just like with everybody. Maybe I have already evolved and I have yet to accept it.

Maybe I wasn’t lost after all, instead I can’t accept who I actually am now.

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I hope I find myself soon so 3 AM shifts won't be dreadful. I can feel the coffee getting tired to cheer me up and booze getting exhausted to keep me upright.