yusominso

[yusominso]

Hanif Abdurraqib, in “Why this poet sees grief as its own kind of spiritual practice”

[yusominso]

[yusominso]

coffee date with myself

[yusominso]

For you have known me too far to the extremes that I don't recognise myself anymore i am just a piece of paper written by all the happiest poets who wrote the saddest endings oh my lord give me this power to remain sane as possible I can\\ to restrict myself to drink yellow paint like Vincent van gogh to paint my life with passion, love and no regret to look back at life and smile with thousands and thousands of words which were real which were not the product of my delusions and dreams and nightmares oh lord give me this power to make the most of my youth to be able to be kind and happy and selfless but selfish at the same time\\ to be living and existing in the various forms of art to be seen as museum to be understood and seen for hours and hours to be loved so thoughtfully and to be able to love so thoughtfully to breath and exhales sighs of satisfaction and not just sighs of exhaleness to be able to live in this carnival and go through turns and twists ups and downs to be able to be strong as fuck feminine as fuck oh lord make me the happiest person in this universe for my fellows only cover 0.3 percent of this universe oh lord make us alive again thus we only exist with our bones and flesh and life in our structures we are the buildings with no motives of work

[yusominso]

I laid at the corner of the bed facing towards the north facing moon struggling to find myself the time swiftly struck at 3 and I had school tommorow but here I was thinking about the old times where all I wished was for a 90s vintage camera a young dead spirit in a battle of feeling herself more and more it was time I looked at the moon with no sleep in my eyes and so much hope for life so much hope for a good life where as tiny as a pimple bothered me and as big as death isn't death the real end no I don't think so or so I refuse to think that way something that ordinary I want to be able to revolve with the earth's coordination I want to be in woods and dust I want to be inside the soils moisture and feel a flowers and wilds growing on my bones I want to feel the earthly wonders and feel every droplets of rain and worship the holy spirits that's where I want to exist. And I refuse to end. I refuse to face the concept of mortality

[yusominso]

It's how I find the idea of love so beautiful maybe even I could have a stronger word for it I write how I saw moon in your eyes or how your smile was funny yet so beautiful and yet when I think about love it's something so dreadful imagining someone who will love me? Me? At the end makes me numb because I was not something to be so much loved loving me was like loving an ocean deep waves of thoughts and anxieties swimming around me and me not having a destination just like those waves of ocean they do not remain still and maybe ( maybe ) I will seem so beautiful to you yet I'll vacuum all the oxygen from you and spaces will feel small even though I was a large empty space I will make you rethink about every aspect of your own and yet you will feel loved because i know you will see yourself standing on a pier and diving in that space you will have my storms or yet before the storm I will leave you to the place you were unknown just like the waves of ocean. Loving me was like loving a ocean

[yusominso]

It's okay I was there in my own space and then something rattled my ground she disturbed every ounce of Stability in my life and she was me she wanted change she hungered for revolution and war she's in a battle with her own self and that's something why she settles for anything but not comfort. She don't need anybody to save her.

[yusominso]

And she was weeping shrieking out inside knowing all the way that was just her existential trauma of being unseen she was there all the way that maybe at the end she did not deserved to be seen at all but neither was he either way he was he was to be seen by her. And I think all of it took me to realise he was not mine not even in the parallel universe

[yusominso]

It's so much fun and satisfying? When you bring new furniture and just assemble it yourself when you bring new plants and take pictures when you light candles and read on the new couch or you browse the internet for book shelves or fluffy pillows or when you are just there laying in bed with your comfy extra socks and have a warm drink when it's just a home in a place at certain does not feels like home but the home makes it up for you ?

[yusominso]

[yusominso]

I was in love with you obsessively in maddening hunger to the extent I perished under all of the weight and nothing was left in me no ounce of life was within me and so was my love. It perished. So does my calloused heart

[yusominso]

There were lot of things I (loved) in childhood weather it was to unconsciously hide myself in bathroom//or not whining like other kids when getting hurt//even not crying when yelled at and I was just so quiet intimidating child talking to myself all day still do or hugging and crying without a vocal sense of sound to stuff toy I had// still do// childhood was something i scourned for I quiver before childhood and yet I wanna go back to the little girl maybe even hide with her in bathroom take her in my arms and cry let her whine let her scream in my broad chest and I'd still do that and today I went in bathroom and cried and the little girl wasn't dead she was alive within me hidden somewhere beneath my mournful bosom and that was a monster lying there. A monster who could consume everything that came his way

[yusominso]

Sometimes I think that I am in this illusion of living where I hate how the love i want does not exist irl like I am just in love with the idea of love like will you ever just slam me in your chest while I am crying my eyes out where I am the most vulnerable quiet self ?? Where I am the most exposed part of myself and you'd be not scared not even afraid a bit to drown in someone like me someone soo monster like me who felt like she was existing all the way or just sometimes she thought maybe she had place in the world where she prolly just hate every ounce of herself will you ever love me? I was hope in this that you will but you will not. You will never ever love me. And it hurts because even I am in this unpossible state to love myself

[yusominso]

And all I could think was about existing existing in the hollow spaces of a library finding one hidden spot with forbidden books and just being there in longer than enough dress embracing every step ever took in the hallways of the library and shall I leave will be my steps engraved on the oak classy rich dusty floors will I be ever remembered in whispers and moans will I ever be remembered ?

[yusominso]

Sometimes you are in this habit of living in small spaces that every large space gives you anxiety but still that large empty space would feel too small like going for the corner in the library always having to walk at the corner because it feels idk safe??? Weird

[yusominso]

I was a dead sea and yet I wonder how you longed to drown in me. Someone like me.

[yusominso]

Shut me up with a kiss everytime I say something stupid enough to make you doubt my sanity and fuck me enough everytime I give you my fuck me eyes because I want to get fucked and love me more than enough that I know death would do us apart