yuribomber

[yuribomber]

♡

[yuribomber]

ugh

[yuribomber]

[yuribomber]

[yuribomber]

no offense to my roommate but the lead singer of glass animals sings like he unironically posted edward cullen quotes on his Instagram during high school and never really grew out of that phase

[yuribomber]

[yuribomber]

yeah it's yoir kitty hairs

girls with stubble 💙💙💙💙💙🥴🥴🥴🥴😵😵😵😵🤤🤤🤤🤤

[yuribomber]

Apparently, you aren't supposed to feed pigeons bread crumbs. I didn't know that. so i go to the nearest pet shop and asked for the best pigeon feed they have.

the shopkeeper was an old lady dressed in all black and she was making a very big pot of soup over an open flame in the dead center of the store. (that's not exactly relevant but i thought it was weird lol) she hands me a mysterious burlap sack and says it's the most delicious, nutritious pigeon feed in all the cosmos, but that i might find that the price is more than I'm willing to pay. i say "yeah you're probably right" and rob the bitch. what's she gonna do, chase me down and give me a firm talking to?

so yeah, I'm five blocks down the street and she's probably still replacing the tennis balls on her walker. time to feed some pigeons. I open the bag and what do i see? parakeet food. looked exactly like what i fed my annoying ass parakeets back when i was eight. That devious old crone fucking scammed me.

i throw the bag to the ground, parakeet food flies everywhere, and immediately Jessica swoops down and starts eating, in spite of me shooing her away and telling her it'll give her parakeet cancer. but she ignores me. i have no choice but to pick her up and throw her as far as i can, but she just flies back. Paul and Frank and Vladimir are also descending on the scattered birdseed like a pack of ravenous wolves. i mean, of course Vladimir is, but i thought that Paul might have a bit more self-control.

oh well, nothing i can do about it now. next time I'll just go to petsmart and steal some real pigeon food. the next day, i woke up to thousands of beady eyes staring at me- an entire swarm of pigeons! pigeons as far as the eye can see! they're everywhere! some of them must've flown in from out of town because because even i couldn't recognize them all! and they were all staring at me with laser focus, drilling into my skull with their pigeony eyes and somehow, their words formed in my head, four earth-shattering, all-important words: "THE SEED MUST FLOW" and i had a feeling they didn't mean that corporate petsmart garbage.

I couldn't exactly go back to the old lady and ask nicely for another bag, so the only option left was to organize a heist. i nabbed the store's blueprints from the local blueprint, hotwired some getaway cars, assembled a crew of my very best and brightest pigeons, taught each one how to crack safes and pick locks, the usual heist stuff. I funded the operation by training my lovelies to lift wallets off of dumb tourists. I even made sure to predict what the late 2nd act betrayal would be and planned a 3rd act switcheroo accordingly. At last, it was finally the day of the heist- nothing interesting happened so I'll skip that part. What's important is we have all the birdseed we could ever want.

And there weren't just more pigeons, they were getting bigger too. stronger, even. pretty soon i had the most powerful pigeon army in this side of west baltimore. some cops came over to question me about the recent pet store robbery and i just threw some seeds at them. my lovelies had the bones picked clean within seconds. amd i did the same thing to rest of the baltimore police department too, just to save the taxpayers some money.

While looking down on the inner harbor from within my new penthouse atop 414 Light Street, some queer thoughts darted through my mind: just what was in this birdseed? was it really so delicious? if it made the pigeons so powerful, what could it do to me? idle curiosity turned into action as i poured a small amount into the palm of my hand, and ate it all in one bite.

oh. it's kinda nasty. but just then my lovelies betrayal me- as i was chewing they gathered like a massive, undulating storm cloud and as i swallowed, they lunged for my throat. my life flashed before my eyes, then another life, and another. so many lives, so much wisdom, so much history. I saw all that was, all that is, and all that could be, all the many many possibilities, infinite paths headed towards infinite despair, i saw the entire universe in miniature and realized that it looked just like the back of my own head.

i woke up in a puddle of blood and guts and bird poop- i was still alive! i reached for my throat to check if it was okay, but it was gone. my neck was gone. nothing left but vertebrae and... plumage? no, i already knew that. I saw it when time unfolded for me like a half-woven tapestry, with billions and trillions of loose threads all leading towards oblivion in one way or another. but one thread, one single strand illuminating the path to humanity's survival- nay, our salvation! if there is to be any hope, i must walk this narrow path like a pigeon following a trail of breadcrumbs.

i knew that the only way to save humanity was to renounce my own- so here i am, an unholy being of bones and feathers, blind but omniscient, unliving but immortal.

so yeah, that's how i became your new empress and goddess lol and why I'm gonna enslave your entire species for the next few millennia 😜😘 i hope u appreciate my sacrifice!!!

im open to suggestions but i probably won't take them caus i gotta rule with a feathery fist haha

okay new video idea!!

Remember when 3 years ago I asked you guys to make up your own tumblr fake stories for a video? Because that might have been the hardest i ever laughed while filming a video. We're doing that again. I expect to be a changed and haunted man after reading the freak shit you're about to write in the reblogs/comments of this post.

[yuribomber]

🍒

men dni

[yuribomber]

[yuribomber]

[yuribomber]

got roughed up last night

[yuribomber]

vintage amateur snaps of people on leashes x

1925 + c. 1930s + c. 1920s respectively, the first has a note that reads, "giddup horsie"

[yuribomber]

i wrote one of those last April

communal puzzle club

okay new video idea!!

Remember when 3 years ago I asked you guys to make up your own tumblr fake stories for a video? Because that might have been the hardest i ever laughed while filming a video. We're doing that again. I expect to be a changed and haunted man after reading the freak shit you're about to write in the reblogs/comments of this post.

[yuribomber]

thinking about writing yuri

(I've never written one before & am open to advice) (where do i even post it)

[yuribomber]

Reposting because cow girls arent allowed to sun themselves at the nude beach in minecraft apparently 🙄🙄🙄

[yuribomber]