yung-n8v-teacher

[yung-n8v-teacher]

reflecting on november & december

so,,,,a major thing happened since my last update,,,

a part of the teaching program i'm in is that i have to transition to different classrooms each trimester. the first trimester (where a LOT of reflection happened) was spent in a sixth grade classroom. the second trimester (which we're now in), i'm in a first grade classroom.

TALK ABOUT A BIG JUMP !!!! — my cohort members all transitioned to a grade above or below where they were for trimester 1, but i'm the only one to go from middle school to lower elementary.

why/how did this happen? the principal, based on the few times she has seen me lead the after-school program, said that she thinks i can teach in any grade level and wants to see what i can do with the first graders. crazy reasoning, but i guess i can do this,,,,

the transition was supposed to happen on november 5th, but that didn't happen for me. my first day that i was supposed to be with my first graders didn't happen until a day later because i had coverage/subbing to do in 8th grade. i went from the biggest babies in the school to the second smallest babies in the school. what a jump,,,

the plan with the trimester two transition was that the associate teachers were supposed to observe for a week before taking over a small section in the new class, but I couldn't even observe because I got tasked with coverage again and when I wasn't covering, my first grade class had a sub (that wasn't me), so they weren't acting like their normal selves. one of the non-normal days with them, i was leading the whole day because i got last minute coverage. (what a day that was,,,) i did not have a full, normal week with the first graders until the beginning of december. (isn't that crazy???)

while the transition has been very, very gradual, i feel a bit more confident and comfortable with the little ones than i did at the start. i even went on a field trip with them!!! (i was very exhausted when i got home that day,,,) a part of gaining more comfortability with the first graders was doing my two-day teach with them. two days where I was the lead teacher and not the associate. what a time that was. it went a lot better than I expected it to go. while i had to be a little strict at times, i survived, they learned and they don't hate me. i don't think people that small are capable of hate, but it's nice to know that they still ask/give me hugs whenever. (the hugs are probs the best part of transitioning to first grade; the worst part you ask? the sickness and germs. i spent all of trimester one and some of trimester two, not sick then after a week with the little ones, i was so congested and fighitng for my life against this awful cough.)

so much has happened, and i can't believe i made it to december. while things seem fine and dandy, lets get into some tea,,,

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

tea

a couple of the first grade teachers are leaving at the end of the year, meaning there will be some lead teacher positions up in the air [while i don't want to stroke my very small ego, i can't help but wonder if the principal put me in first grade for my classroom transition to potentially hire me as a lead teacher for first grade (if they want to hire me for first grade, i most likely won't take it)]

i heard through the grapevine, and it's all but confirmed, that there will be a new 8th grade classroom that they are adding to the school which means they need to hire two 8th grade lead teachers and one of those teachers could potentially be me and the other would be my emotional support yt guy (i'm manifesting we get hired, but i don't want to jinx it) [i feel like that meme with shane and ryan (the ghoul boys) about the dots connecting b/c my potential co-teacher got asked by the principal about how he would feel teaching 8th grade ela, and i have also been doing so much coverage in 8th grade math, science and coding like it's insane (i've been getting this much coverage in 8th grade b/c i'm the only associate teacher with any experience teaching that stuff (insert crying emoji))]

i had my feelings mansplained to me by the director(?)/program lead of the teaching program i'm in — asking how i'm doing in second grade (she got which grade i'm working in wrong) and how i've been doing on a personal level. i told her that i've been a little frsutrated and panicked about first grade b/c it didn't feel like something i could do, but i can recognize that i've been making progress and that i can feel myself growing as a teacher. she then turned it around on me by saying that "i can't focus on the negatives" (when did i say i was doing that??) and that "you have to see this as a growing experience and know that you're to be so much more knowledgeable after it" (like thanks for showing me that you were listening to what i said by being able to say it in your own words) — she then got on me b/c i was only "half there" for the pd sessions that she leads and saying that it's a noticeable pattern (i've been checked out of the last two pd sessions b/c i come straight from teaching and the topics were dumb and repetitive — ALSO WHEN DID TWO TIMES OF SOMETHING HAPPENING BECOME A PATTERN???) [the two pd sessions that i was "half there" for were: one, how education is a cog in systemic racism (where i had to listen to a yt co-worker basically say the definition of racism in discussion and the program lead add nothing of substance to the rest of the pd other than saying, "we need to be mindful of our biases" like bitch, WE KNOW)]; the second pd session was acting out scenarios about how to give redirections in class as if the entire cohort hasn't had multi-day coverage before and as if we don't talk about how to give redirections with our mentor teachers almost daily [this shit had me heated]

[yung-n8v-teacher]

she made it to winter break !!!

while i have been continuing to reflect on how this first year of teaching is progressing on my own, i have not updated this blog until today (12/25) [there's no reason for me to be thinking about work while i'm on break, but here i am,,,,]

there's so much to reflect on/write about,,,,,

let me write rq,,,see you soon,,,

[yung-n8v-teacher]

questions for myself from 11/8/23

NOTE: this list of questions developed from the moment of panic I had about my transition to first grade — the list of questions were derived from notes i took on articles and I figured it was better to be busy thinking about how to make the transition easier as well as questions I could try to start answering

What are my goals for growth as an educator while I’m with the first graders?

How can I continue to expand my depth of content while I’m with first grade?

How can I practice regulation with these students who need more practice/more time to regulate than middle schoolers?

What can I practice with the first graders that I can takeaway and apply to the middle schoolers?

How to work with/plan for the use of the creativity and freedom of the younger ones?

When can I observe in other first grade classrooms? When can I observe in Kinder? In Second?

How can I grow alongside my students? 

What do I have to model and live so the students can start to grow into kind, thoughtful people? 

What can my students teach me about myself and how to live my own life both as a teacher and a person in the world?

How do I cultivate a space with my expectations and my actions to create a space for learning, the students best learning?

What can I learn about the transition from elementary to middle school? 

What kinds of support are available at the elementary level that are not afforded at the middle school level?

In what ways can I stretch myself to continuously access these spaces in my mind that have been contorted and restrained due to the high academic stress of S********e as well as the rigor and stress of B***** Middle School?

How can I better understand all my students as humans due to the experience that I’ll have with my first graders? All these students have started as smaller people with so much creativity and love, that has been tamped down and restrained due to schooling. 

Learning by playing. 

In what ways is this done at the first grade level? 

How can it be modified to bring into the middle school?

What is the focus in the primary grades? What are the foundational skills, both academically and socio-emotionally that will set them up for success later in life?

 What is my identity as a teacher? Do I see myself as solely a middle school teacher or an educator that can work with all grade levels, all students, and know that I can do my best for them? 

What am I telling myself about who I am in this moment? What am I telling myself about who I am as I am going through this experience as an Associate Teacher?

What are my identities that exist outside of teaching? How are these identities mingling with my teacher identity? How do I keep flexibility and adaptability as a part of my teacher identity where I refuse to be complacent in where I am in my development as a teacher?

[yung-n8v-teacher]

a moment of panic from 11/8/23

Yesterday, 11/7/23, was my first day in first grade after the Class Transition. 

While it was not a normal day, since I had to cover/co-teach an eighth grade class, it was a pretty normal day. I thought I would have time to relax/have my mind relax, but this move to first grade has been pretty overstimulating/overwhelming.

It feels like there is so much happening, yet at the same time, not enough happening if that makes sense. (It probably doesn’t…)

I just scheduled a meeting with Principal M to talk about this transition. While I know it’s not going to be easy, I still feel ill-prepared to handle this, especially for the next few months. (I have to be here until MARCH, which is mind-blowing to me!)

EDIT: not included in this is notes I took on the next 3-4 pages in my GDoc about how to transition from older students to younger students/how to transition from middle school to elementary school

[yung-n8v-teacher]

a reflection from 10/16/23

The “leadership and growth” tracker that is used in the middle school 

Every time I think about the school that I am at for this job, for this teaching position, it just continues to solidify in my mind that institutions at their core will always talk the talk but cannot walk the walk. I think about land acknowledgements at S********e, and while there was a sort of attempt to create a relationship with the Lenni-Lenape people, it didn’t work. They wouldn’t even hire a tenure-track position to a professor that wanted to attempt to cultivate that relationship. 

This school claims to be anti-racist, but fellow teachers talk about the classroom management skills at the lower grades that have Black and Brown children putting their hands up or putting their hands on their heads. The actions and words that some of the staff at this school and across the network do and say are absolutely incredible and show such a lack of continued learning and self-reflection on values and beliefs. 

A major thing that I cannot stop thinking about is how the school network and more specifically this school, handle their students that have disabilities. There are accommodations, IEPs, and whatever else. While it can be celebrated that a majority of these students are in Tier 1 (thinking about RTI), the LRE, the classroom, the way these students are treated is so bleh. Thinking about one student in my class, will he ever be able to enjoy the privileges that the students who are “normal” get to enjoy? If this school and its leadership truly believe in the creation, cultivation and sustainment of an anti-racist community, ableism cannot exist in the space. 

The -isms that people claim to work against are sustained through the perpetuation of Western knowledge and beliefs. Anti-racism works against White, Euro-centric values and beliefs. It works to de-center those practices. Ableism is one of those pillars that has to be knocked down to work towards an anti-racist, liberated future. A tracker by any name works against any actions towards liberation. 

The transition to 1st grade

I’m scared and I’m nervous. I strive to continuously learn and reflect on who I am as an educator. When I’ve envisioned myself as an educator going into this year and however many years ahead of now, it’s always been in the setting of middle school and high school. I believe there is value in instilling values and beliefs of critical thinking and action taking at younger ages, but I feel like I’m going to have trouble envisioning that at the ages that 1st graders are at. I think about Mary Cowhey and how I have another educator whose work I need to revisit. 

Thinking about the first graders as well, I think about how this school really doesn’t believe in anti-racism in that what content is really being taught at this school. In the ratio unit that the sixth graders are in, there has been little to no talk about how ratios portray information about systemic issues. There was some in the beginning of the unit, but where are the explicit ties to what is actually happening in the world and how to discern between information and mis-information in the world that we live in. 

Extending on that, how does the content reflect anti-racism beliefs and values at the first grade level? 

The love, friendships and relationships I’ve had and continue to have in my life

I’ve been very blessed in my life to have had so much friendship, care, and love in my life. From what I can remember from when I first started school, I was able to find people to have by my side. I was lucky to have those people stay by my side for a long time. Thinking about K****, we’ve been through so much since our friendship started in kindergarten. We’ve gone through elementary and middle school together and even though we were separated in high school, we were never far from each other. Many of the other friends I’ve made at school also stayed at my side for a long time as well. Thinking about some of the friends made in elementary school, those friendships extended into middle school. Some of those friendships continued into high school. I was able to find good people (for the most part), and that goodness, that love, that care enabled me to take steps to be the person I am today. I wouldn’t be so silly without those people. I wouldn’t have such a big heart without those people. That growth only continued as I continued schooling at S********e. Those bonds formed deeper than I ever thought they could and they pushed me to continue growing, thinking and learning. Without them, I wouldn’t have had the courage to stay out east, I wouldn’t be struggling to find agency in an institution that feels like it pushes against, creates friction against all the beliefs and values I hold near and dear to my heart. 

[yung-n8v-teacher]

a reflection from 9/19/23

I feel like I should be reflecting a lot more than I am right now. 

Currently, it feels like I am only reflecting when I get feelings that are too big for me to handle on my own. That feels like the reason I write anyways. 

The current big feeling: inadequacy. 

It has come back to bite me, and it stings a little more than it did last time. 

Due to the nature of this teaching position, we have to do coverage across grades and we’re told when we are covering those classes usually a day or two in advance, but sometimes it’s the night before or the morning of. 

I recently found out that the coverage isn’t just for subject areas, its for the certain grade levels we’re assigned. I don’t know why it lives in my mind that I wasn’t originally supposed to cover for 7th grade math and science a couple of weeks ago. It was originally meant for someone else. That was my first real coverage and now I find out that I wasn’t supposed to cover that class in the first place. 

I can’t help the feeling that I’m just falling further and further behind everyone in the cohort. It feels like everyone is progressing and I’m just stagnant. I haven’t really felt like this before. I feel like I can notice when I’m growing or progressing at something, but lately that feeling isn’t noticeable. I don’t what to do with these feelings or who I can share them with.

[yung-n8v-teacher]

get ready for a reflection/journal dumping -- so much has happened since i've last posted anything

[yung-n8v-teacher]

reflection

stream of consciousness

on thursday, i was pulled out of my class to do test proctoring where i was sitting in a room with a student working on a math test for an hour and something minutes, playing solitaire on my computer

i was little annoyed b/c the time i had to do this proctoring overlapped with the 6th grade science block, a section that i teach review in and starting on monday, will start co-teaching in with my mentor [aside: exciting!!! actually getting to teach!!!!]. for charter network that claims to have a surplus budget every year, you think they could hire more student support staff (*cough cough* especially paraprofessionals to help the younger students that need full day support, but what do i know? i'm just an associate teacher).

i go through the rest of thursday, ready for a relaxing night where i don't have to prep for friday b/c my mentor and i agreed that i could observe in kindergarten all day (this was a ploy to just let me have fun with the little ones all day) when i get a text from an unknown number

who is it? it's one of the seventh grade math and science teachers letting me know that he came down with strep and wouldn't be in school the next day, and who was going to cover for him? ME (*insert elle woods gif here* (but im more stressed and panicking than elle who was excited and celebratory))

i spend two to three hours going over lesson plans, trying to understand the seventh grade schedule, trying to plan out how i'm going to lead discussions with the students for classes,,,i'm trying to figure out everything once i received the email with the lesson plans

i was feeling good after prepping and i was feeling good in the morning, even making sure i had enough time to cook and have some watch while eating time before i got washed up and dressed for the day. overall, a fantastic start to the day.

one of the other associates had done coverage in the seventh grade classroom i was going to be in, so before school started he gave me the low down on the students and what they were like. it was somewhat helpful.

the day starts and i knew that this year's seventh graders had lots of energy and lots of attitude based on my few interactions with them on the middle school field trip, my art coverage day, and other small interactions throughout the school day. while this was noticeable, i felt comfortable for some reason. maybe b/c i've worked with seventh grade before ?? idk

we move past home room and all i can feel is their eyes watching me, which was a crazy feeling to have all day. to have someone watch your every move is an experience i've never had before. idk how i kept myself neutral all day, because that was an uncomfortable feeling.

after home room, was the first class i had to lead : coding. bless up to the other seventh grade teachers that stepped in during their prep to actually give the lesson, cause i had no idea what program the seventh graders were using. (it looked a lot more complex than what the sixth graders have been doing.) during this section, i was support. circulating around the room, checking in with students, giving them separate instructions when they finished early. all in all, a chill class, which went against what teachers had been telling me about this group of seventh graders.

i had a bit of a break/prep time after coding, only to transition into teaching seventh grade math. i had to get them through their first day of learning how to write expressions for arithmetic sequences (*crying emojiiiii, severely*). through testing data analysis during all network pd, they told us that students across the network struggle with writing expressions. i knew it was going to be a challenging lesson. another component to add to the difficulty is that this charter network prides itself on its discussion-based classes. i have never led a math class or a science class, let alone a discussion-based one!!! the lesson plan had a general outline of what the discussion looked like, but i fumbled through a lot of it. and it was a hard balance to try and get students to approach what they should be learning. during the whole-class problem, they were all working on. one student already knew the process/steps/strategy to solve the problem. the way he did his work was literally what they were practicing for the rest of class time. i tried to get him to explain his thinking to the class, but all the students had a hard time focusing during math, and i think that's most likely b/c of the confusion that was going on in the lesson. honestly, i should have tried to lean on that student a bit more in the lesson, but it's hard also having to balance bringing other students into the discussion. thinking back now, i think i could have loosened my grasp on the outline of the lesson plan and taken some detours based on what students were giving me, both the ones that were ahead and the ones that were a little more confused. [aside: this is probs my biggest takeaway from leading this math lesson] after going through the whole-class problem we worked on together, we took some notes that students were supposed to use to help through the rest of the math packet and on their homework. i think i could have done better at having students reset themselves, and make sure they were following along and actually getting the notes down. [later during the conferencing block, some students i had to hand-hold through the exit ticket (which is supposed to be independent) b/c they didn't have the notes.] i also struggled with timing during math because a lot of class was spent in whole-class discussion, due to some students struggling to follow along in the steps we were taking to solve problems. i think i could have done something different where i could have let the whole class move on and then focus on some individual students. [lots of takeaway from this day, and we haven't even gotten to science, whoo,,,] also during the conferencing block, while i was going through the students' exit tickets, i noticed maybe half of them were struggling how to write expressions and were using the same one that we found in the whole-class problem we did together. like it was so interesting to see how the students would do the first and second step right, almost intuitively, then they disregarded that work and wrote down the wrong expression. lots to think about,,,

anyways, i had a long break until science. it was a lesson about light sources and the visible light spectrum (colors). for this lesson, once i read through it a couple times, i was like "i got this, i completely understand what is going on." THEN it came time for class and students were asking good questions, and i had to come up with a slight answer but it wasn't as fully explained as the students wanted it. i think this lesson, i also got a little too caught up in the lesson outline, when i knew i had a plan in place already and created my own outline that i think worked with my brain better. i also got observed by one of the assistant principals (*SOBBING*) and that was so nervewracking,,,i swear all the administrative staff at the school have perfected RBF way too well. like even they are saying something positive, it all feels so fake and performative,,,but that's all i will say. i do think science went a little better than math, but only a little.

i sort of consider this past friday a success. in talking with the co-teacher that seventh grade class, she was telling me that that group likes to push, and if you give them an inch, they'll take a mile. which i could sort of see, but i also liked the feeling of having the students wanting to talk and participate, even when it got a little chaotic. it felt less robot-y and more human-y. like people, especially young people, are never meant to be silent for so long. communication happens in one way or another. we're trying to connect and learning is impossible without connections, both connections with people and between concepts, ideas, etc..

until the next brain dump,,,

[yung-n8v-teacher]

9/5 update: afterthoughts

i realize that i just posted a wall of text, but some crazy things that just popped into my head after writing all of that out

my roommate and i, the only indigenous people in the school, have been confused for each other multiple times by school leadership,,,,desperately need the admin to actually commit themselves to anti-racism, by doing the bare minimum to not confuse us with each other (we look nothing alike, btw) and do the same with other poc teachers in the building

during new teacher orientation, we had a session that was about the notion of strictness. there's a culture of strictness at this charter network and it's so interesting to me that we had discussions around the fact that strictness and harshness are not one in the same. to me, after being at my school site for a bit, i think some (*cough cough* most) of the staff need that reminder. i watched school leadership have the meanest face when they picked up the kindergartners from art because they were taking a bit of time to listen to re-directions. like, i promise you, these little poeple were figuring it out and the school leadership made it worse.

i cannot think of anything else

until next time,,,

[yung-n8v-teacher]

an update 9/5/23

sooo,,,,i don't think i'll complete the orientation recap — it's much of the same thing. a school claiming to be anti-racist, yet most of their practice does not reflect what they preach.

as of today, we are in the beginning of week 4 of school (which typing that out brings things into better perspective for myself...more on this later).

first things first, im kind of exhausted and kind of not. it's exhausting in the fact that the position of associate teacher is half teacher (if you can call it that) and half school operations. having a recess duty and a lunch duty back to back is exhausting. it's exhausting running after school, especially when there's no added compensation or a third support/lead for the program. [i've been third support on days where i'm not a lead, and the principal later told me that they don't have a third support because there's no budget to pay for that third support,,,okay, questionable to even have a program if there can't be enough adults to ensure a safe program]. other than those things, i've been mostly filing in for other associate teachers that are covering for other teachers who are out. while i had fun with the kindergartners and the other students i've met across grades, it's tiring. i think bottom line, im just tired.

i think a part of feeling tired is how monotonous it all is so far. another part is the feeling of inferiority i think this position is starting to create inside of me.

first part: the monotony of the position. it is the beginning of september and both the program director and my mentor teacher know that i have experience in the classroom, but i'm still limited to 20-30 mins a day teaching. while i understand giving me time to continue adjusting to the way classes run at this school, i'm never going to fully adjust until i can lead a class. it feels like the frustration from taking ed classes — it's all theory, but no practice. i feel like you cannot compare the sections i'm currently leading to leading full classes or even parts of actual classroom learning. i'm getting sick of leading the two 10 minute (or less) sections i have currently, it's all the same. [reflecting on this now, i think breaking up this monotony would be helped by just observing as much as possible for the entire first half of the day]. anyway, i feel like im stuck in a loop that is slowly becoming maddening.

second part: this feeling of inferiority that i can feel festering in me. i think this mostly comes down to the fact that during pd, administration said that coverage would be outlined by options a, b, and c, yet as coverage has been needed since week 2 of school, this coverage schedule has not been followed as religiously as they said they would. i feel left behind that i haven't been able to cover an academic class like some of the other associates. knowing that we're only on our fourth week of school, helps me put this in perspective, and that i shouldn't let this feeling continue. when it comes to be my time, i know i'll be ready, or as ready as i possibly can be. [an aside: i say academic class, because i was coverage for the art teacher with another associate, but an elective/co-curricular is different than running an academic class]

this is what i've been feeling lately, but it's also no good to myself to focus on the negative things that i feel like i'm noticing.

my positives

i have enjoyed getting to know the younger grades (K-5). while i have had my difficulties with the 4th and 5th graders, i'm slowly building connections with them that i'm enjoying cultivating. i have really enjoyed the time i spent with the 3rd graders. at this point in time, i've been able to spend time in 2 out of 3 third grade classrooms, and they just make me laugh and smile so much. they seem to be a very interesting group, and they seem to like me as well. i've been challenging myself to learn their names, it's partial success, but also mostly feeling like my brain is about to explode.

a grade that has surprised me in my interactions is kindergarten. when i started my journey as an educator, i knew that the little ones would be cute, but i didn't think i would want to lead a classroom of them. to be fair, i'm still on the fence, but last week i was able to spend a week with a kindergarten class during their centers/activity time while the teacher was doing testing with them. they were fun to talk to, and they want to share so much. there's also a sense of freedom that feels like is lacking across the rest of the grades. the kindregartners are students that are new to the system of this charter network and it's interesting to see how there are certain things they are doing that are such a resistance to the system that this network is putting into place, that this network is trying to engrain into these little people who most of them, don't have prior experience in a schooling environment. with these students as well, i think there's something to further explore with creating a subversive learning environment that i could take with me into the older grades.

EDIT: the middle school does a canoe trip where we canoe on the charles river and spend the day at a the park. i had fun canoeing and doing something completely different than what i've done before. i might want to try canoeing again or maybe try kayaking.

conclusion

i think this is most of what i've been feeling since the school year has started. i also feel like i might start feeling different with the start of this week as i'm going to stop being third support for the after school program and only go on days when i'm lead and when other associates feel like they might need the extra support.

until next time,,,

[yung-n8v-teacher]

orientation week (pt.1)

beginning thoughts: i knew that it was going to be difficult going into this new school, this new environment, and this new culture. it's been an adjustment period, moving to a new city and a new school, and the mindset that i've been trying to keep this entire time has been to keep an open mind and learn as much as i can. with that, let's get into what this orientation was like

day 1: first things first, why the f*ck are the days so long?? had us in sessions from 7:45 to 4:15. when i say i was exhausted, i was exhausted, especially because some of these sessions were two hours long and we would have sessions back to back.

what we were supposed to take away from the sessions: leaders create psychological safety, racial inequity of schools, the cultivation of an anti-racist culture, schools are dysfunctional in the current existence, teachers aren't respected

in the specific sessions for my position, we learned about the school's culture surrounding high academic achievement as well as what it means to be "culturally responsive" at this school

day 1 personal takeaways/thoughts:

what an interesting day this one was. i had so many thoughts running through my mind, but at the forefront, i had a couple questions: (1) is there a recognition of the intertwined-ness of Black liberation and Indigenous sovereignty? (2) as a charter, how is this school trying to reimagine education and schooling?

these were some initial thoughts i have been having and still have about this school. blame it on my liberal arts education or whatever, but i'm desperately longing for a place where learning is reimagined, connected to identities, connected to community and connected to the land. i'm also desperately longing for a space where it feels like all my identities, especially my indigenous identity are respected and feel welcomed in the space.

[EDIT: the school believes in Black excellence but no mention of Indigenous peoples which is f'in crazy considering plymouth rock is literally in massachusetts -- no land acknowledgement or recognition, nothing -- in reference to above, this school has no reimagining, they are working with what they got -- the least they could do is push the envelope just a little bit, come up with something new -- like okay, charter specializing in coding, what else can you give me? apparently not much besides a steady income]

i struggled very much this first day, keeping an open mind and trying to learn. i appreciate the school's attempt at developing an anti-racist culture and as i've shared with a friend, it pains me to think about how far behind schools are in the processes of anti-racism, abolition and decolonization. but at the end of the day, these processes are processes, they have to start somewhere. while i have an appreciation, it's not enough.

i think of lisa delpit and gholdy muhammad and their focus on the teaching of skills to Black and Brown youth to be able to succeed in the system we live in. i see where they're coming from. this school has also come to this conclusion using the work of claude steel and stereotype threat, as well as an anti-racist consultant.

where i think this gets a little lost is the focus on achievement. with the way the school is introducing itself to us, this achievement is based on test scores. while test scores are a part of data tracking, having it at the center of what you think student achievement is, feels wrong. this school talks about psychological safety and getting to truly know your students, but where's the connection to community? where's the variety in ways that students can achieve?

i think about the point brought up in one of the sessions that high academic expectations is anti-racist in that with an education, students are able to imagine themselves beyond the stereotypes that have been pushed onto them since they started interacting with the world. i think of two things: (1) there's no denying that furthered education creates more access to certain things (dependent on some non-salient identities) and (2) creating a culture of high academic expectations, that helps students imagine themselves as high-achievers is a bit of a double-edged sword.

what happens when students fail? when their perception of themselves as a high-achiever breaks down? while the school has the development of a growth mindset as part of its culture, from some student testimony, a lot of this growth mindset feels like this mindset is more of an "achieve despite..." i haven't been in the classroom yet with students, but i was and still kind of one of those people that keeps pushing and persisting b/c i am an indigenous woman and i want to prove people wrong, i want to achieve despite the thoughts other people might have of me.

i've gotten to a point in my life where this doesn't feel healthy. i don't want to achieve despite. i want to live a healthy, love-filled life. i don't want a life measured by my successes. i want a life measured in love and happiness and the relationships i nurture

[EDIT 2: this school has so much focus on its data but how many teachers are actually questioning some of these statistics? like i think its pretty obvious that the school is gonna have some higher testing scores b/c they're a small network compared to the city's public schools -- like i need people to be a little less ooh and ahh-ing and actually think critically about some of these figures and numbers that the school is showing us]

[yung-n8v-teacher]

so,,,,this was a lie

i'll most likely be doing like an overall orientation week recap

BUT i have plenty of notes and thoughts to share, just wait

working on orientation day 1 recap 🫡

[yung-n8v-teacher]

working on orientation day 1 recap 🫡

[yung-n8v-teacher]

actually you know what that's exactly it i would rather someone add 5 parantheticals after every sentence than use tone indicators it's 1. accomplishing SO much more in terms of clarity 2. extremely funny to look at depending on how they're used

[yung-n8v-teacher]

doing orientation readings and im having to constantly remind myself to keep an open mind and that a part of teaching is the ability to learn and re-learn

BUT

i cannot handle these readings about identity development, racial identity development, the myth of inferiority of black and brown students, etc., etc.

as a brown n8v woman, a lot of what im reading is similar to my experiences in public education and at a private college, it's similar to what ive heard from my peers and the students that i've worked with

this learning experience so far feels like preaching to the choir,,,we'll see how this first week goes

taking this one day at a time

[yung-n8v-teacher]

im using this as a way to track my experience as a starting teacher, esp at a charter school,,,,,i have so many thoughts already

new blog, new me [not really]

[yung-n8v-teacher]

new blog, new me [not really]