your-local-loon

[your-local-loon]

[your-local-loon]

To anyone who was suicidal at age 14 or younger, here’s your permission to grieve. Here’s your permission to not joke about it or just flat out ignore it. Here’s your permission to acknowledge that lost child who felt way more pain than any child should ever feel. You’re allowed to cry for that child, whether you healed or are still suffering the same thoughts. Finally allow yourself to grieve for that child filled with undeserved hurt.

[your-local-loon]

take my hand for a moment

your objective from this point on is to survive

the election results are going to take a few days. The world is going to be very tense. I want you to take all the things you like to do to distract yourself and splurge on them. I want you to go eat your favroite foods and spend time with friends. I want you to do what you gotta do to make sure you can make it through the week.

There are people out there who want you to survive. There are people out there who are just as scared as you are.

We'll get through this. We will find a way

[your-local-loon]

today my bf and i were talking about visiting my home for the holidays and i was (sadly) wondering aloud if i should cut my hair and our kid was like "why would you cut your hair??? your hair is cool" and not knowing how to explain it to him i said "my family doesnt think boys should have long hair" to which he went silent, wordlessly pulled out his phone and then swiftly held it out with a picture of keeanu reeves on his phone

[your-local-loon]

How I look while mom smacks the hell out of me (she’s weak and out of her mind on pills so it doesn’t hurt too much)

[your-local-loon]

Why is it so hard to have any goddamn normalcy in this house

[your-local-loon]

hey if ur reading this and ur in a bad spot mentally or anything i hope u feel better soon and have a good day

[your-local-loon]

“As adults, we try to develop the character traits that would have rescued our parents.”

— Alain de Botton

[your-local-loon]

[your-local-loon]

Does anyone have a source on grieving a painful childhood? Or rather, a wasted one? When you realize it could have been so much better, if not for... lots of shitty people. You could have been a totally different person, a better, happier, healthier one... but this opportunity has been wasted forever.

[your-local-loon]

Do you ever experience stress so long term, that when it gets released, you struggle to function without it?

Your body is washed with relief but it's so intense it actually hurts; you can't breathe, your limbs go limp, you can't force yourself to do anything anymore, you need to lie down, you can't get up, and you can't focus. It's almost like you go from stress right to grief, there is no time for joy, the waves that hit make you feel that you were suffering for so long, that it was so awful it forced your body on edge for weeks or months, you can finally acknowledge how bad it was, now that you survived it. The release of suffering is so painful it makes an actual negative impact.

[your-local-loon]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

[your-local-loon]

Our aunt (mother figure that raised us for almost 10 years) is dead.

Our dad is deteriorating with dementia and brain cancer in a nursing home.

Mom is sick out of her gourd.

Pretty sure we just chased off our best (maybe only) friend because we disagreed with her relationship with a man in his 30s twice her age.

Can someone please just tell me it’s not gonna be like this forever?

[your-local-loon]

It’s funny how even with at least 9 other people in your head you can still manage to feel so, so alone

[your-local-loon]

You ever just randomly get extremely suicidal after being relatively numb and unbothered for a while

[your-local-loon]

I scream so much into the void. Even more so, lately. But it feels like the more I do, the more I try to talk about myself, the further away everyone gets. It gets quieter.

[your-local-loon]

It’s insane to me that she was still alive this time yesterday.