youmnaahmed

[youmnaahmed]

وفي أيامي السيئة

سوف أعبر لآخر اليوم

مهما ظننت انه طويل

وسأذكر نفسي

أنني كنت هنا من قبل

واضحك

سوف أنتقي الحلو فقط

كطفل ينتزع الكرز من فوق الكعكة

واضحك

حتي وان ضاق صدري

سأتدرب علي التنفس البطئ

لكي اضحك

سوف اغسل أسناني

وانظر لنفسي في المرأة

بعين حنونة

لكي اضحك

في أيامي السيئة

سأذكرني انني ��ررت من هنا

وان قبلي كثيرين مروا من هنا

في أيامي السيئة

سأستعمل كل الحيل

سوف اذكر كم لون في الغرفة

وسوف اعد الأشياء من حولي

علي أصابع يدي

واقرأ كل الشعر

سأكتب قصيدة لن يراها احد

سأتصل بصديقتي البعيدة

واخبرها أني احبها واسألها عن يومها

ونضحك

سأبحث عن فيلم كوميدي لم أراه من سنين

لكي اقع في غرام ذلك الايفيه القديم الذي نسيته

لكي اضحك واضحك

سوف اقف في الشباك

وارفع يدي واكلم الله

وادعو لي وعائلتي ولكل من احب

سأبكي بعدها

ثم اضحك

في أيامي السيئة

سأشاهد الشارع والمارة والسيارات

واتذكر ذلك السطر

الذي يقول

"لابد من فوضي

ادفن فيها وجعي"

وسأنسى أين قرأته

في أيامي السيئة

سأنظر الي جسدي الجميل

الذي يرعبني احياناً

واحتضنه

واشكره

وانظر الي كل تلك الحياة

التي تحاوطني

وتعبث بي

وتلهو وتسخر

-ام كلثوم لم تكن كاذبة-

وكل تلك المشاعر

الكاملة

المفرطة

الجامحة

وسأكون علي ما يرام

سأكون اكثر

سأكون أجمل

سأكون اكبر

وسوف اضحك من قلبي

لأول مرة في ذلك اليوم

وفي تلك القصيدة.

[youmnaahmed]

In another life:

Friends are the same and compromising to keep them works

Travellers stay and decide not to leave

Parents know how to give their children what they need

The dead come visit the ones they left behind

And I.. no longer hide my heart to survive.

[youmnaahmed]

- Haven't you told her already?

- no

- no one else did too?

- no

- how can she be that old and not know that NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT WHAT SHE FUCKING THINKS??????

[youmnaahmed]

I, too hate it..

When I betray myself

And suddenly stop acting

Like I forgot

Like I don't know your favorite colour anymore

Like I don't know your favorite shape of the sky

Or your ideal scene of the sea

Or your favorite position of a hug

Or how you became all the things you didn't wanna be

Or how you waved goodbye to all the things you wanted to be so bad

Or your world collapsed all of a sudden and the way I wasn't there to get you through it all

Or how helpless you get when it comes to doing better with good people but your ego always stands in the way

Or how your mother is the reason why you learnt to be tender

Or how your father is the reason why you trust no one

Or how you have a spot for me no matter how many times you tried to ignore it Or how it's no longer safe for to act like yourself Or how you would give your all to go back just for once Or how you buried everything you ever loved underneath that sarcastic tone

I, too hate it..

When I find you nowhere near even when I still know all this about you, I guess I betray myself every day by unlearning nothing about you.

[youmnaahmed]

"I think it's a song of hope about two somewhat jaded strangers that serindipidously meet at a time in both of their lives when they are experiencing or about to be experiencing some hard things in their personal lives. The universe draws them to one another for a specific purpose unknown to them at the time. They quabout to transition from where they have been in life and relationships and they know that they are going to have to continue on those paths without each other but that doesn't stop them from fand hoping that they could be rescued one another from the paths that they were pursuing"

[youmnaahmed]

" When my father and mother left me suddenly, I sat alone for days and months in front of the window.. waiting for them.

I observed the road and the people passing by but they didn't come back. I cried a lot. Beacuse the world thought it's too much for me to have two people at once in my life. A mother full of love and energy. And a father full of kindness. Why am I destined to see everyone I love leave? One after another..

Maybe if I didn't get attached to someone, I wouldn't have cried or even suffered.

I decided then that I won't let myself be weak. I closed the door to my heart and kept it locked.

Until I found a way to live. but I wasn't happy. I wasn't even looking for happiness in the first place. but I was safe.

And that was exactly what I wanted. When I met him, he captured my heart at once. I started hearing a voice inside saying "maybe life is apologizing for everything it took away from you". I held his hand in a really scared yet hopeful way. I started to believe in life and I trusted it. Until I received my second reward, my daughter. I told myself, someone will finally come to life that i would live with without fear and my roots would be inside her. But she also left. Afterwards, everything became meaningless. I wasn't going to stand another person leaving me behind. I wouldn't have been able to stand on my two feet again. That's why I had to leave. To find myself again. In a place I don't know."

[youmnaahmed]

All the letter I wrote

In my head

Or on papers

The ones I sent

The ones I did not

They were all meaningful to me more than any book I'll ever read.

Not because they were poetic

Or because they were artistic

But because they tried to carry what my heart was carrying all along.

My feelings

My visions of life

The way I have seen a drop of water that falls from the sky as a miracle and not just an unexplainable way to get wet.

The way I appreciated little gestures that no one would ever notice.

The memories that only belonged there and no longer exist anywhere else.

And most importantly these letters knew me more than any one will ever be able to.

They believed me

They gave me the space to belong freely

And they taught me that feelings and intimacy are not to be ashamed of

That sometimes writing a letter can replace running away from intense things or bottling up emotions. Instead it lets you accept that what has been written is yours and is okay to be yours.

Maybe the ones I wrote them to would never be interested enough to read any of them, but that would never make them less valuable.

[youmnaahmed]

في حاجات كتير أوي ماتت يومها غير تيتة.

نظرتي للحياة الأمان الحيطة الللي كنت ساندة عليها مشاعري ثقتي في نفسي قلمي المفضل صورتي عن ذاتي تعبيري عن نفسي يقيني بإني هبقي أحسن مفاهيمي عن الحب والصداقة إيماني بإني مش لوحدى شغفي للمستقبل والجاي والشخص اللي كان رابط الحاجات دي كلها ببعض وكنت محتاجاه يواسيني وقتها.. في حاجات لما بتموت جوا بتبقي محتاجة معجزات تحييها. مش كل حاجة رجعت وي ما كانت بعديها

[youmnaahmed]

It started with "almost strangers" but not really strangers, because stranger wouldn't be those who knew each other before actually knowing each other. They wouldn't know more than they should.

Then almost friends but not like the way normal friends would be, friends wouldn't want more all the time.. friends wouldn't stare at each other and wait for the next level.

Then almost best friends but still both more intimate regarding the feelings and less intimate in the way they deal with each other.. best friends wouldn't beg their time together to last.

Then almost lovers but lovers who do not confess their love to each other. The ones that aren't brave enough for love. The ones that would rather keep the feelings silent so that their time together would last longer.

Then almost together but not togetherness of meeting and talking all the time.. just together as a label. The "together" that would make you feel like you have some thing that is supposed to be yours but not yours enough not to be out of touch.. not yours enough to keep all the time..

And finally almost strangers again.. strangers who wouldn't let go of each other.. strangers who make up excuses not to walk away.. strangers who would choose each other if they are asked to choose but still not holding on enough to make it last.

But would that ever be possible.. to be strangers all over again?

It's always been an almost and always will be.

[youmnaahmed]

It started with "almost strangers" but not really strangers, because stranger wouldn't be those who knew each other before actually knowing each other. They wouldn't know more than they should.

Then almost friends but not like the way normal friends would be, friends wouldn't want more all the time.. friends wouldn't stare at each other and wait for the next level.

Then almost best friends but still both more intimate regarding the feelings and less intimate in the way they deal with each other.. best friends wouldn't beg their time together to last.

Then almost lovers but lovers who do not confess their love to each other. The ones that aren't brave enough for love. The ones that would rather keep the feelings silent so that their time together would last longer.

Then almost together but not togetherness of meeting and talking all the time.. just together as a label. The "together" that would make you feel like you have some thing that is supposed to be yours but not yours enough not to be out of touch.. not yours enough to keep all the time..

And finally almost strangers again.. strangers who wouldn't let go of each other.. strangers who make up excuses not to walk away.. strangers who would choose each other if they are asked to choose but still not holding on enough to make it last.

But would that ever be possible.. to be strangers all over again?

It's always been an almost and always will be.

[youmnaahmed]

Ain’t no second chances this year so I hope you all know what you doing

[youmnaahmed]

i don’t know how to ask for help i disappear and come back when i’m good

[youmnaahmed]

‏من أراد هجرك رأى من ثقب الباب مخرجًا، ومن أبتغى قربك صنع من الجدران مدخلاً .

[youmnaahmed]

[youmnaahmed]

شوف بقينا ازاي انا فين يا حبيبي وانت فين

“كنت باشتاق لك وأنا وأنت هنا”

— ام كلثوم

[youmnaahmed]

I'm such a "look at the moon" person.

Lunas-worlds-blog

[youmnaahmed]

“إنّما الأعيُن نواطقٌ”.