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寅时毫无目的 废话连篇的随笔
嘴笨,文笔更惨。我在考虑我之前的作文是怎么写出来的。
凌晨三点钟。科比要是还在的话也就一个小时以后就差不多起床了。而我选择在看动漫昏睡了以后在这里写东西。有点滑稽。
还是想瞎说点事情。先讲个简单故事。那时候九年级。在校外合唱完的我和两个朋友搭上了回家的晚班车,不曾想这辆车在中途就停下来了。剩余的路总共要走一个半小时,而另外能带我们回家的车也不知道什么时候能到,毕竟晚上巴士的效率贼低。所以我的两个朋友想都没想就开始沿着路向前走,而我脑袋一热就选择了跟在他们身后。那一晚剩下的经历了什么我已经模糊了,但我知道我干过这件事情。值得留恋吗,或许吧。
但是你让我现��再这样来一次,我十次里面会拒绝九次。不是我不再愿意走上那条路,而是我不再觉得有这个必要再去做这样一件事情,除非万不得已,或者脑袋一下子比当时还要再热。
这个拒绝我觉得是因为那个曾经喜欢冒险、喜欢不顾一切的我用尽了他的力量。他需要充电。可悲的是这里电量不够,他要么需要寻求外界刺激,要么选择将自己埋起来,以肥料的身份滋润着其他的我,例如理性的、爱钻牛角尖的、爱胡思乱想的、追求理想和梦想的自我。这比喻不咋地,凑合过吧。
一个人内心会有很多个个体同时存在。有的时候主导权非常清楚,有的时候他们会打架。按宗教的话来讲可能就是天使与魔鬼的存在。按心理学的角度可能是精神分裂前奏。我觉得前者老套,而且没有绝对好坏。后者极端,却把打架的场面描写的够精彩。
但这些个体可能都会消失,到最后只剩下一个主体还留着。没人知道你的主体后面曾经住过一个爱浪迹江湖、记录时光、吟诗作画、活蹦乱跳的你,而只看到了一个正常与人打交道的你。多正常。多悲伤。
我趁我现在这些个体都还在的时候就多矫情一会儿。虽说这有可能会让他们死的更快,因为发泄出去的情绪不可能再找回来。但总比憋着好吧。
所以我想,当哪一天我不再冲动和挂念,我是不是真的解脱了呢。到那时,那个冲动的我已经被埋下了,但他毕竟来到过这个世界上,在我的心境里活蹦乱跳过。
算了。又唠叨了800多字没总结。没把这些字数用在作文里,还瞎浪费一个小时睡眠。我真是一个传奇人物。
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节拍 Beat
太慢了。
太快了。
拍子要走完。
你又不急着赶火车你慢一点弹。
慢了半拍。
Enough.
Sure, a beat is a beat. It organizes the rhythm of the music. Makes music enjoyable, nay, presentable. Enjoyable comes after presentable. First is the basics of being able to present yourself in front of others, experts and amateurs, then it is allowing others to enjoy and interpret what you have presented.
But when you translate that beat into life scenarios, you start to wonder: Is this beat correct for myself? Am I too fast or too slow? What are the notes I need to play, the things I need to do, at the proper times to make my life end on a full beat, a satisfying note?
当生活的节奏被外界带动的时候,你已经失去了你对你人生这一首曲子的掌控。你只能眼睁睁的看着速度变快,变慢,再变快,再慢下来。当你最后可以有机会为自己重新打节奏的时候,你发现你已经忘记了合适你的拍子的速度了。
一个不想被束缚的灵魂,如今正打着一会儿60,一会儿72,又变成60,最后需要渐慢的拍子。到头来他还是没明白这首曲子的含义是什么。他也没办法增加自己的创意,让一个音多一拍。
可悲。自由的乐章里充满着种种捆绑。
或许还是活得太认真了吧。
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他不拥有她。但他看到她和他笑得如此欢心的时候,他还是没有控制住自己。他还是没有掌管好自己的情绪。
他不曾拥有过她。但他可能知道他也没机会拥有她。
他不会拥有她。因为他还不够成熟。他还不够这个分量能够大人大度。
他知道她和他没关系 他还是没有忍住。
他从始至终都不知道他在干什么。
他可能只能当一个逃兵罢了吧。
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学习成绩 Your Grades
学习成绩重要吗?
这个问题太多答案了,但是很明显不同人会给出不同答案。我寻求中立,不认为这个数字应该给大家带来任何困惑。
I realized in grade 12 that grades are dependant on just two factors: you and the teacher. Yes, the course subject matters, but in the end, you are the person learning the materials and answering the questions. Eventually, you have to bear part of the responsibility. But try as you might, sometimes you don’t fit the teacher’s taste, you have some conflicts going on and things happen.
Here is the real problem: do you conform to your teacher’s standards or do you do your way?
这个问题重要吗?
如今可能大家都在关心谁的分数比谁的高,但都忽略了最重要的一个因素。你可以比任何人都高,但是你不会比自己更高。分数应该拿给自己看,告诉自己你还有潜力去做到更好。
Here’s the thing: If you followed the syllabus and excelled it by achieving your standards, wouldn’t that make the mark automatically high? It’s not about bribing the teacher with your friendly attitude (there’s that obviously), it’s about telling you yourself that you want to learn more about this subject.
There’s nothing more devasting than you giving up on yourself and fail everything that comes in your way.
这整篇文章都没写好,思绪太乱了。非要总结的话,就是要跟自己比。分数存在的意义就是提醒自己可以更好,而不是比下别人。
学习本来就应该是件很快乐的事情怎么大家都搞得那么紧张兮兮的干啥?
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旅程 Adventure
南极洲。冰天雪地。
一只海狸从水里钻了出来,爬到了冰上。
她迷路了。哦不,这样说她她会不高兴,她其实只是有点累了,因为众多暗礁和暗流使她偏离了从原来的航向。所以她停在了原地。
说白了,她还是迷路了。她甚至都忘了自己是从哪里来的。
但她知道自己有一个地方必须会去,因为那里是她的梦想。 可是,这个地方在哪里?游得到吗?
或许她累了,也应该休息会了。
Mountains. Soft breeze blowing past. Barren landscapes.
A fox stands stationary. The slopes are still smooth, the distance isn't far, he could climb the rest with some effort.
The only problem is that everytime he comforts himself and achieves his goal, another mountain rises in front of him. In fact he is stepping on top of a mountain right now, and facing another one. An endless cycle that has continued for ages.
This is ''the top'' here after all, maybe he should just rest for a while.
海狸没想到的是,冰裂了。她必须继续她的旅程了。哪怕漫无目的,也要继续行动。
Noises soon reached the ears of the fox. He looked down and saw hundreds of people gesturing at him while climbing up at the same time.
He doesn't belong with them at all. He needs to reach a height free of disturbance. So he shakes his pelt and starts treading to the next peak again.
远方忽然出现了一盏灯。很微弱,但对海狸,足够了。 她坚信那里就是她的归属地,就是她梦寐以求的新家。
Meanwhile, the fox has climbed yet another peak. The humans are gone for now. He could finally rest a bit, which he does immediately by dropping his belly to the ground.
As he collects his breath, he smells something familiar. He sniffs again. There is no doubt about it, the scent of prey and food.
And that is coming from the top of the next peak.
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Actor 演员
好久没见了,不知是否有人想我了。恩不过你们也不知道我是谁,咋会想我呢?
Hehe. Well, I confess that I’ve been lazy, and I don’t have enough motivation to come back here. Several times I thought “I should write this on my blog,” but they all disappeared. Because eventually, they became trivial matters, or subjects needing closer examination.
So, why am I back suddenly?
首先,我不能让你们认为我人间蒸发。第二吗,生活中也确实碰到了一些难处。
最近在学如何当演员。说白了, 其实就是戏精的诞生,正常人的死亡。我这么跟我朋友开过玩笑,事后想想是真的。
See, filming is about immersing yourself into the characters, empathetically understanding and being them. Not only that, you have to be within the situation, the circumstances, have a goal you want to achieve, and maybe a little bonus that entices you more.
The problem? We may lose ourselves in these shows. Or rather, we may not be able to fully immerse ourselves in these acts. You’re on the bus 5 minutes ago, and now you must stand up and start screaming or crying in front of someone else. How is that possible? Not only that, after you scream or cry, how do you then readjust to your normal life?
不少演员因为角色需求会改变自己。这些改变或多或少影响了他们的生活:负面的会走向死亡,正向的就可能会让他们发现新的自我。一切都只能靠自己挖掘。
There is the idea of having a centered self, a body that will not disappear no matter what circumstances. Truth is, I buy that, but I don’t buy that. We are constantly being changed every day because the world is changing. We cannot be stuck in the past, everyone needs to move on. It’s necessary of course to remind yourself who you are: What do you truly like and what do you truly want, those you should keep. Each person is different, and you are too.
人生就是一场戏,你演的就是你自己。你认为你戴上了面具,其实这还是另一个你。你要做的是认识他,承认他的存在,而采取正当的动作。
你没有丢失你自己,你只是在适应新的面具罢了。终究有一天你会记得最初的你,重新穿上那一身道具,重新回到舞台前展现真实的自我。
但愿如此吧。
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Rain & Snow 雨雪
天色暗了,雨还在下。下的不大,但依旧在下。
都说下雨时,必定会有人哭。或者上苍因为某件事,某件人而哭。当然了,下雨绝对性是自然行为,但有些人,有些故事,会赐予这个现象一些超自然的特质,让它更神秘化。
Sometimes I want to plunge myself into the rain, hoping that it washes away my concerns and stresses. But my conscience – you might label it as Chinese conscience – tells me that I should wear my hat and bring an umbrella and wear waterproof clothes to keep myself from getting drenched. It might not even be a conscience, it might just be a voice.
You might ask why in the world would I want to drench myself in rain. True, snow would be much more enjoyable and probably prettier than heavy drops of rain smashing on the face.
See, snow and rain are essentially the same things. Precipitation. Liquid falling out of the sky, only to be determined by the ground temperature as to whether they are solid or liquid. Sorry, I’m grossly generalizing the facts.
我站在雨里的感觉和站在雪里的感觉不一样。站在雪里让我觉得这个世界冷到美丽,站在雨里让我觉得这个世界湿到无情。而我现在看到自己站的地方更黑暗。
完了我得抑郁症了。
但我其实没有,我只是想在雨中站着,洗洗我的脸,洗洗我经历过的事情。
算了,雨过天晴,可能我那时候就好了。会到下雪之时,端起手机静等,而后找人帮忙,手足于雪片中,阴阳中,飞舞。
只要有雪就行。
嗯,就这样。
#chinese#english#bilingual#blog#bilingual blog#rain#snow#waiting#pray for snow#Thoughts#self reflection
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学习 Study
小时候是不是经常听到自己父母,或者别人家长,说这么一句话:“快点去学习!”
一般这句话的后面都带有一定的威胁性,和一定的奖励:学习学得好,可能有游戏可以玩,有电视可以看。学不好的话,就准备把你的手板伸出来吧。
哦对不起,我不知道大家的家长是不是都这样,反正我知道我的家长有点这样。
Since I was little I’ve been ingrained that studying well would lead to a pretty good future. Well, more than that: I have to study in the right way so that I can have a future. There are no adjectives at the front because it all depends on how hard I work.
Makes sense, right? It sure does.
Because this isn’t the age of working hard, this is the age of…working harder and smarter than everyone else so that you have a place to stand.
Some find fun in that, I think I’ve lost it a bit.
现在学习的方式可能归根结底基本上就是写作文,刷题。对于热爱这些方式的人,可能这些东西就是他的家常便饭。最近都加一个就是多看看网上内容,多翻翻互联网上面各式各样的人写的一些东西。喏,我这不就正在写吗,只不过写的都是一些唠唠叨叨的东西,可能很少人认真读的东西。因为我讲的是我的故事,可能会跟大家的过去有点联系,但这些终究是我的故事。
写到哪里了,跑题了。
Sorry, I was supposed to write another essay to prep for my final. Instead, I’m writing this. So my brain is quite scrambled right now.
I guess all I’m trying to say is, the action of studying has deviated in the sense from students wanting to learn to students being forced to learn. Ok, that might be a false generalization because there are many people out there always eager to learn more.
Point is, it’s gotta start coming from your heart, otherwise the effects of studying are non-existent.
好好学习,天天向上这句话其实是句空话。用心学习,争取往上,或许会更真实一点。
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Busy 忙
有时候觉得自己想放下所有一切,回一趟中国,去所有城市逛一圈。去过的再去一趟,没去过的也进去一趟。要可以的话欧洲都想去。
当然,谁都会说说走就走,但是真正做到的又有谁?
生活的枷锁太多,拴住了很多梦想。想想就好了,接着忙吧。
大学可能是除了社会最现实的地方吧。每天跟熟人打的招呼可能会很多,但是真正能坐下来聊天的朋友都散了。
太忙了。忙到我们已走上了不同的路。
其实很多时候忙会忙到忘记自己。
We really do forget ourselves in a lot of circumstances. When we lose ourselves in work, over someone else, anything that requires our attention. If one day we can master working or doing anything without losing our self-identity, then that would perhaps be a lot more enjoyable. Because you are aware of experiencing these things, you are who you are in those moments.
We invest so much into other things that we forget ourselves, is it because we hope that something or someone else can remember us?
投入那么多时间和精力,其实是希望有某个人,某个物品,能够记住我们。这相当于“到此一游”的作用吧。有些时候是为了好玩,有些时候是为了留下自己的足迹。但,要能在别人的生活里留下自己的足迹应该算是一件不容易的事吧。
下次见到那个重要的人的时候,不用口头上,心里默念一句谢谢吧。
Because life is more than just saying a Hello, a Good Bye, and walking past each other without further exchanges. You don’t need to be busy all the time; take a break.
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Story 故事
这件事情不得不说了,再不说我都看不下去了。
Feminism is a very popular topic now. I agree that people can have their opinions and that women are free to express themselves and protect their rights. There is nothing inherently wrong with it, and while I am not an advocate for it, I definitely condone those who belittle others in general. But I’m starting to detest those who are using this as a platform to vent their rage.
你爱说啥说啥,别为此和别人瞎吵。每个人的故事里面都有一个反派,所以老说自己是对的有意义吗?
In the eyes of those who believe in feminism, the antagonist would be perhaps those men who treat women inferior. But let’s approach this problem logically.
通过考古证据,可以确定的是:唯一男女平等的时期是在没有农作物,没有钱,没有健康或安全的生活。没错,所谓原始社会才有真正的男女平等。
The actions today are interesting, in that we are taking a leap forward, but it’s also a “step backward,” if you consider how people had lived before.
I believe there needs to be a moderation, in everything, even when telling a story of a female victim, you have to consider is this completely the man or woman’s fault. The objective perspective is hard, but it is doable.
An inappropriate example of this phenomenon would be like this: there is one balloon that is expanding ever so slightly, and there is another balloon that is growing at an extremely fast rate. I’m glad that the second balloon is there, but I’m also afraid that one day it will pop faster than the other balloon.
这一篇文章可能会引起最大争议。没关系,因为这是我的故事。可能会不完美,但我会从我的视角来观察这个世界,记录我的感受和想法,把它作为我的故事阐述给大家。
Just don’t come at me too hard, because I want to be able to respond to you without emotions impeding my judgments. After all, a story is interpreted in many ways, and I have my own that is constantly modified. The above is just one of them, what I thought of today at this hour.
#chinese#english#bilingual#blog#feminism#moderate#thoughts#please be nice#peaceofmind#equality#perspective
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Change 变
Change and stability are sort of antonym and opposite of each other. But really, how do you constitute a change? How do you define stability?
打个比方。你今天路过了一间房子,看到里面有一家三口在吃饭。一个月以后你路过了同样的房子,发现里面一家三口变成了另一家三口,也在吃饭。变了吗?变了。可真的变了吗?房子没变,里面人干的事情没变。
很多时候,变得是我们。
It’s our perspective of the world that has changed. It’s our actions that have changed the way we perceive things. It’s our experience that makes a difference.
这个房子只要没有人去装修,去破坏,它就是一样的。饭菜肯定不一样,但是还是吃的。人还是人,但就是不一样的男人,女人和小孩围在一个桌子。
这都没关系,怕的其实是心变了。心变了,对待事情的态度也就不一样了。
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Invisibility 隐身术
Ever get the point when you think invisibility is a good thing for you because you think it is just a good thing, only to realize that it is bad because no one else starts to notice you?
隐身术能让你从众人眼前消失,但也能让你从世界上消失。这个想法可怕吗?
若你觉得可怕,那是因为你怕孤立。而你想有这个术,其实是因为你本身就很孤独。因为如果你身边有一堆将心比心的朋友,你为何要隐身于众人之地?
You know you become invisible when people around you don’t notice you as you walk past them, even if you initiate eye contact with them.
其实我们怕的不是死亡,而可能更怕的是到最后没有人记住我们。
但其实我们不用怕这一点,因为我们无法真正修炼出隐身术。真正隐身时,是这个世界上已无人记住你。
No matter how many times you avoid other people seeing you, some will end up finding you and greet you. At this point, there’s no reason to hide, so go and greet them. Slowly but surely, that mask and cloak you put on that isolate you from society will fall off.
我们都觉得隐身是个很酷的技能,但我们内心都渴望被人认出来。只因我们想和别人交往。只因我们想被别人认可。
Stop putting on that fake mask, and face life truthfully. It’s not that bad. It never will be.
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我的blog
This will be an unusual blogging platform. I’m not sure if I’m the first one to do it, but I’ll do it.
因为我中英文两个都会尝试写。
不要问我为什么这样,这不是什么文学style,也不是什么chinglish。
但我觉得,因为我是两种语言都会讲,两种语言的书都会读,两种语言的音乐都会听,那为什么不做呢?
For pure English speakers, I will have to apologize. I do find Chinese sometimes fitting some scenarios, so I will inevitably switch to it rather than struggling it.
But I will make an effort to keep them bilingual. Not just for you, I think it’s a good exercise for me too.
If you like to read someone’s ranting, this might be the place for you.
I can’t promise that I will fit everyone’s tastes, but I’m not a masterchef. I’m just a student getting by in life too, who is willing to start sharing some of his insights on this world too.
共勉。
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