ynnaxoxo

[ynnaxoxo]

I don't know who my brother is anymore...

So.. was it a week ago when my brother proposed to his girlfriend. He called the night before but he was only talking to our dad. Because I was eating on the table. The face me and our youngest brother made when we heard the word "proposal". It was like "is he insane?". I got pissed a bit cause my dad was so chill. I almost said things that I shouldn't. Maybe I was upset because I know what my mom would feel. I cried telling her. Mama was quiet for a bit, probably absorbing the news. Maybe anyone who would read this and not know anything about our family would say "What's wrong with your brother getting engaged?" It's not that we don't want him to be happy of course. We just know that as of the moment in his life, HE CANNOT AFFORD to settle down. And we feel like he's rushing into this. He's struggling to buy himself clothes and buying plane tickets to go home and now he's planning to get married. Unlike other families who can actually afford weddings, our parents cannot help with any wedding expenses. Our mom right now is the sole provider of our family because our dad just can't anymore. A part of me thinks this is not what he really wants but what his fiancee wants. I don't actually like stalking just because I just don't care. But Ate Mhy, stalked the fiancee's profile and she once shared a post about "if a man is with you for years and not proposed to you then he's not the one for you" eme. This makes me think she was hinting this to my brother. And my brother being the pussy whipped that he is would just give in to her whim. Even as a single woman myself, I know marriage is not a walk in the park. I think they don't know how to handle money knowing they invested in a condo which by the way a big issue too. Mama just let it go, because she was trying to be an understanding mother. Come to think of it, it has been the 2nd time I have heard him say about "breaking up" just because mama doesn't agree with his decision. He's using the "break-up" so that mama would say "don't do it" to accept their decision. What a form of gaslighting. They will never break-up at least not for now. I'm sorry because I hope they do. I don't like that girl anymore. Because if she's a decent woman she would not let her boyfriend's family have an issue especially if she's one of the reason for the problem. When you're marrying someone, isn't it better that you have at least a civil and no issue relationship with your partner's family? That speaks a lot about a person's character. This sounds mean pero feeling guro ni ate naka jackpot siya sa akuang manghud. Very hilas silang duha. Deciding on settling down even when they're not financially capable themselves. Not only that my brother seems to don't know how to survive without his girlfriend. His priorities have changed. Instead of trying to help mama pay off the debt to our uncle, you have to tell him about it for him to remember to help pay. Yes, mama asks a little help to pay for a few things but we never force him to send money. He was not obliged. Yet he thinks, he needs to send money. Maybe because he's the one who pursued a medical related course who pays a bit more. When mama asks a little help to pay bills for the dog as he is a vet himself, he complained. And "nanumbat" that he spent money too. We thought he wanted to give whole heartedly but now complains, yet he could buy her girlfriend an engagement ring that we know is more than he can afford. When it's us is a burden but to the woman it's not. All I care is what mama feels. She's so heartbroken and devastated. I hate seeing her sad and cry. She already has anxiety and my brother is literally making it worse. We want him to be happy of course, but we just don't want him to regret his decision. He's not established to settle down yet. He hasn't even enjoyed his life or his salary for himself. There's so much he could do like treat himself or travel. We don't want him regretting his decision 5-10 or more years from now. Because by then, it'll be too late.

[ynnaxoxo]

I'm getting Psychological Help!

So yeah you read that right. I'm finally getting professional help. Because after I finally admitted to my mom about my trauma I have been keeping for years. It was relief I didn't have to hide anything to her anymore. I felt so free. I thought it was ok now that I told her. I met a man just last month. We met in person and well went on dates. The first day he tried to hold my hand, I was a bit shy at first so I held on to his aarm instead. When we went home he tried to hold my hand again but just the few fingers. It was ok. On the 2nd date, not gonna lie he was a bit touchy than usual. Maybe I'm just not used to it cause it was just the 2nd time we met in person. When we walk he tries to touch my back, maybe to me it was a bit fast. Even when we ride the tuktuk together, maybe i'm just not a fan of touching my back especially my upper back almost near my breast. I sat so awkwardly. When I was home, I kept thinking why am I so uncomforable. I'm not mad at him maybe I just never got used to it. But laying on our couch I cried. I'm thinking it was my trauma. Quick story, I was sexually assaulted when I was a child. That's my biggest kept secret. But my mom wasn't the first person who knew. Because I couldn't help myself I posted about it on my private twitter account. With a few people I know following me. 2 people I know who follow me but also knows me in person, I talked to about it only through chat. And the morning after the 2nd date, I told my mom about how I felt and how I'm still not comfortable with another man touching me. I cried again and she hugged me. She probably didn't know what to tell me aside from giving me comforting words. So she asked me if I wanted to get professional help and I said yes. So we searched for Psychologists online but we could only find decent ones in Davao. So we planned to get an appoinment and book an overnight stay. I just wanna say that I am very grateful and lucky to have my mom's full support even though I'm embarassed she's spending money on me again. But I guess this is a mother's love. I know I can't give her much right now but I promise to give her anything she needs when I can. I want to take care of her until she gets old. Even if I stay single or settle down. I will never not take care and give her the love she gave to me. I love you Mama. Thank you for everything. I will always be here for you.

[ynnaxoxo]

I'm already saying I'm sorry now, just in case I waste your time.

[ynnaxoxo]

Sep. 1, 2024

Life update: I actually have a sort of life now?

Career wise? I finally enrolled my self on a Virtual Assistant course, then became lazy for a few months.. I joined this 30-Day BootCamp and so far I have been receiving replies from employer and have yet to schedule some informational meeting and stuff so fingers crossed I can get at least one job from it lol.

Dating life? Surprise surprise! I have one 😂 I must admit I did not expect to meet anyone or even agreed to meet in person. I did because we actually had a good conversation. He's not a pervert like most men I met online. That's already a bonus haha. We've been on a 2nd date so far... And I have thoughts a lot of them. Yeah it's not enough that I have been ranting on 3 of my X accounts. I have 5 🤭 and also I introduced him to my mom only because I was so annoyed mama was bombarding me with chats like I'm a teenager. I thought why not introduced him so she could know him and she would shut up. It worked she seemed okay with him now. It's weird cause she's the one now saying "he's an American citizen right? So you'll live there in the US?" Excuse me? It's the freaking 2nd date. Let's not go there. But I also wanted to mention when we were talking about our family dramas and about past relationships.. he mentioned about wanting a bunch of kids?! Yeah no joke lol. I'm surprised he mentioned it cause knowing he grew up American like that's supposed to scare them but it actually scared me. As someone who's actually still not thinking of marriage and kids at 33, my brain was panicking. Tho he did ask if I wanted them I said I'm not sure then asked again if I liked kids and I said yeah. Then he went on and said he wanted a bunch of kids and asked me my age "and you're what?33? You could start popping twins or triplets?!" In my head I was like excuse me?! And who's gonna carry them? You? I really wish he was joking.

First of all, I do not even know if when I want to have kids. Do I think about having one, I mean sure but I have to say I am scared of childbirth. The mere thought of it scares me, what if I die?! And also if ever I'd have children? I don't want that many. Jesus. Because who's gonna take care all of them. Maybe one is fine and maybe just maybe 2 tops. Not more than that. Sorry too many kids it's not for me. It's not even just about the money like the attention and care you have to give. I don't know but I just value myself more. I just really think a woman can't just be define a mother. She can be her true self even without kids. I don't know if that makes sense.

When I agrees to meet him in person, what I really wanted was to put myself out there. I never dated or had a real relationship and I wanted to try and see what the fuss is about. It is kind of fun but is it weird thoughts come into my head like "maybe I'm not the relationship type" on a 1st date?!

Many things I did not like.. like too many skinship.. maybe it's just he's American side I don't know. It's ok to assist me like touching the my back but not all the time and I don't like being touched on my upper back when sitting together. I know it's supposed to be a sweet gesture. But I'm not so crazy about it. I don't like the lovey dovey thing that couples do even for myself... Not sure maybe it's because after I promised myself not to cry over a man 12yrs ago I closed myself in opening myself to another man. I am not man hater but I do wanna say I think most men are scums of the earth. Not all of course I mean I lovey dad, brothers and a very few male cousins. But I'm very attention to their attitude that if they do something shitty, I'm out. No questions asked.

And the fact that I was sexually assaulted by my 2nd cousin back when I was a child. When that happened to me, I was too innocent to know what he did to me, also he also did it to my other male cousin (I'm not sure if he remembers it but I think he doesn't) he doesn't cause I never thought I'd actually see the pdfile last December. No one in my family knows, only a few friends who saw me tweet about it. I tried my hardest to avoid him that day but it still lead me to him and back to our home. I went to my brother's room and cried it all out still w/o any of them knowing it. I just had to pretend he wasn't there. Glad he didn't tried to talk to me or I'll break down. That's one of the big reasons I think I can't open up to any man aside from that other asshole at work before who ruined all the other men for me. That asshole who also took advantage of my drunken state. I hope he's having a miserable life right now. Lord I'm sorry.

So I'm crying right now remembering all the horrible things that I experienced that I think the reason why I'm so closed off ofm men. After all that, I thought myself to believe I did not need any man if all they bring to me is pain and trauma.

With or without men I am fine on my own.

I'm not afraid to have feelings for anyone what I'm afraid of that I would never have feelings towards any man because my heart doesn't want to open up again. And I'm not sure my heart can open up to him, he said he likes men and been talking about meeting his mom next year and here I am not sure if I would still be talking to him cause my feelings for him wouldn't ever grow. I scared would just waste his time. Tho I do enjoy talking to him but maybe I just enjoy talking to a friend. Bakit di ko gusto ng skinship nya? Is it be trauma? This is why I didn't try dating anyone and just be snobbish to men who try to talk to me. I don't want my time or their time to be wasted. I'd rather save ourselves of heartbreak rather than trying at all.

God, help me.

I want to finally tell my mom, my trauma. I'll finally do it in the morning. I have to. I should at least try. Maybe to take some of the pain and trauma away.

I still hope to find that person who'll make me feel the love I've always wanted and deserve. But first, I want to heal and get a career. Cause I can't be broke and traumatized. That's too much lol.

#liferant #trauma

[ynnaxoxo]

. . . . . . . . . . .

So where do I begin>

So where do I begin?

Life update. I don't have a life. lol. So dramatic but true. Like I said December 2022 I wanted to apply for an online job because I got burned out with baking. A career I chose because I thought if I do something I enjoy I wouldn't feel like I'm dying of working. Then you get tired and realized dreams don't pay the bills. I'm 33 and still don't have a sure career and broke. Yeah. Sad. I know.

But hey, we're still breathing. I'm healthy (i think). I gained a little weight, which I like. I got to travel twice last yesr without spending too much money cause I'm with family lol. Question tho, how is a girl who's broke and in need still have anxiety in applying for a job? Like having commitment phobia is fine. But this? this is mental illness. huhu. Have you ever felt like your life for the past years like you're on autopilot? Like I've done nothing but do everything on a sequence. On a repeat. I don't even see my friends monthly. This isn't a life. I don't know what this is? I always think like my brain is clouded with emptyness. Like going to a friend's big event in their life but going home feeling lost. Like I'm happy with their milestones and all but there's still something missin in my life. Don't get me wrong I'm grateful with what I have, my parents alive & healthy, my brother is a vet, my younger brother being open about himself to us & facing up to his bully. But I always think about... what about me? what do I have to offer? What do I pocess? What do I own? WHO AM I??? until I found who I am.... Take care. #findingmyself #whoami #lifesucksfornow

[ynnaxoxo]

I'm beginning to hate my own hometown...

So... I don't if this was just a bad day but I think because of what I;m feeling lately with my life. I think even though I know I should be doing something now with my life

[ynnaxoxo]

D.O. - 230904 '기대' comeback schedule

Credit: Official EXO Twitter.

[ynnaxoxo]

holding for jongin: day 118 of 641 ↳ EXO SUHO and KAI for Lotte’s Pepero Day | Fall/Winter 2016

[ynnaxoxo]

KYUNGSOO 'EXIST' Jacket Behind The Scenes

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Do Kyungsoo for Marie Claire Korea

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ugh

You know the feeling when you know you’re gonna get disappointed but you’re still shock anyway? It’s not like I’m askig for much or asking for a big favor. The way they asked you for favors but when you asked them, I mean I can accept a “no” but when you can’t even see any empathy and act like they don’t care about you even a little then they question yu why you don’t even visit them. Like seriously? you’re like a big joke lol

[ynnaxoxo]

Kyungsoo’s aegyo | 230116

[ynnaxoxo]

Ah yes. Me. My girlfriend. And her 50 dollar blue whale plushie.

[ynnaxoxo]

extraordinary attorney woo + jane austen textposts/tweets (1/?)

[ynnaxoxo]

Step aside all romantic male leads, we have a champion🥇

[ynnaxoxo]

My cooking classes are over, now I feel lost again. I wonder what would've happen to me if I never took that class. I would have no achievements in my life this 2022. I just want this year to get it over with. The holidays, meeting people & people constantly barging you questions with "why don't you have a bf?" "You might not ever have kids" "Don't be too choosy when looking for a bf" like no one gives a shit with your opinion especially if you don't want me to comment with yours. Get the fuck out of my fave lol

#idontknowwhatthefuckimdoingwithmylife

[ynnaxoxo]

Going into my early 30s I never knew I could have feelings that I thought I could never have. 

Jealousy. Envy.

I’m never a very envious person, not even to my 2 brothers or my friends or girls my age. Girls my age now are either getting married or having kids, but me? I don’t even know if I want to ever get married. 

I spend a lot of my time on Twitter and sometimes Instagram and now I’m on my facebook hiatus stage. I don’t feel like opening it because it’s either I don’t give a shit of what is happening to other people’s life or if I see someone I know having another milestone in their life, I would feel... i don’t know... Inadequate. I feel like questioning where my life is headed. I would feel so useless. I would ask myself if my life will ever have a purpose. And what’s worse I would feel pressure, forcing myself to make something of my life right away. Right now.

But what I’ve learned the past 2 years of praying almost every Sunday for my plans to happen and it didn’t that I should not force myself. I guess only God knows when it will happen. I don’t know if my prayers for mysefl will ever be granted or God has other plans. All I know is I will not request for a specific time, ‘cause I’m guessing God has a timeline for me. So I stopped praying for the time.

But after I felt envious, I also felt genuinely happy for my friend. I know she deserves whatever she has right now. And I’m happy she has someone to share it with. I realized that part of being human, you feel jealousy or envy even if you didn’t mean to. I also realize I was feeling envious because what I saw with my friend is what I’ve always wanted for myself but at the same time I was happy it happened to someone I know and who needs & deserves it. I never knew the start of your 30s can make you realize you can have feelings you didn’t know you could ever feel or have. 

I don’t want to sound ungrateful because I know even when there are still things I wish I could have and achieve. I am beyond grateful I have my family and close friends wirh me. I have my Dad who’s finally getting projects and a possible more, I have a good relationship with my mom who’s about to retire next year. My brother who’s finally is a vet and has a good job even when he’s away and a sweet younger brother that I have no complaints with. And my close friends that I’m comfortable spending time with that I know I would never feel insecure with and that I got to spend my 32nd birthday with even though I didn’t planned it. 

We are just humans. But as long as we continue to be a better person not only to others but to ourselves as well.