yearsofangst

[yearsofangst]

why does pizza smell so good

the hot grease

burnt salami

stretchy stretchy cheese

when a bite could send me to the floor

clutching my stomach

trying to hold in my insides

painting the wall with my screams

(a/n l: i'm allergic to cheese and pork and they make me projectile vomit)

[yearsofangst]

the best laid plans of anyone

dry and shrivel in the sun

their idealism laid to rest

picked apart to build a nest

dessicated pieces high

upon a bow, with creaking sigh

the eggs inside lie cold, forgotten

mother bird far below, rotten

aching winds rustle the leaves

shreds of plan caught by the breeze

gently drifting to the sand

that gives beneath the boot of man

[yearsofangst]

oh shit i ran out of drafts a while ago

[yearsofangst]

apologies in my head i know i'll never send

and maybe one day we'll cross paths

and i'll try to take the hatred back

a million miles from that life

the mistake i made, believing, is so clear

forgiveness irrelevant, not a goal or aspiration

just wish you knew i know you didn't deserve any of it

that i wasn't the only one he was destroying

and that he wanted me to destroy you

i never wanted to, and i'm glad i held back where i could

all the things i hated were fabrications

i wish we'd had a chance to be real friends

but all of us walked away more damaged

and i don't think we could find peace without reliving it

[yearsofangst]

In the palustrine wetlands of the coastal desert swamps to the south, a creature not unlike a wood elf save the tangling tendrils of green stretching from its scalp to its shoulders emerges. After a childhood and early adulthood growing and learning, keeping safe distance from the nearby human settlements, it has to leave.

It travels down the coast, across fruitful lands and through wild deserts to a landlocked region with earth shaking storms and spinning winds that can catch you up in them and leave you somewhere strange and new if you greet them without shelter.

The creature hides in this world for a time, venturing out only to observe the local festivals and customs. Eventually, it is time again to leave.

A longer journey, through the same deserts again and under echoing skies. Then northward, through high mountains with red ground and towns with skies filled with flying balloons, their riders too far away to see. Then through the sparse forests of the high desert, to the thickening, wet trees of the pacific rainforests, the creature explored, befriending some local fauna before discovering that not all wildlife is friendly nor should one wander the populated forest alone. The creature braved a settlement populated by humans, orcs, and elves, though it was not socialized enough to integrate to the land.

Eventually, it travelled further northward, meeting with contacts it had made and settling to a life in the lands of the Northern Lights, a kingdom; though the creature has no interest in kings nor their domains.

The locals, a mix of humans, goblins, various fae creatures, orcs, and other strange beings, uncautiously invited the creature into their midst, unfamiliar or uncaring about its alien status.

There, it found a voice it had struggled to control in its earlier lives. If it was going to exist here, it was going to bring light to the corners in which the dark and viperous conspired.

The voice creaked and sometimes the light shone in places that drove harmless night creatures skittering away. Sometimes it was too loud, or too caustic, as it stretched muscles that had been largely used for screeches and whispers before. Sometimes, afraid to face the things that lurked in the largest shadows, the voice was silent when it was needed. Other times it was loud and true, right and bright, and the light it brought burnt its own delicate skin. Balance was a constant game of mistakes and remedies, precision and honing, practice and improvement.

While it practiced restraint, control, decorum and propriety and learned to integrate those into its quest to enlighten and reveal, it listened.

It danced in its own shadows, just near enough to see and hear, and then retreated to the quiet to put pieces together.

It watched.

It learned.

And it saw so many things.

[yearsofangst]

It has been a long time. I leave this week for a new world. Who I am, who I am leaving behind, who I was... it's all a blur

Migraines every day, stress and chaos and the feeling of neglecting important tasks Neglecting everything neglecting myself

[yearsofangst]

 And when I see you, I really see you upside down  but my brain knows better, it picks you up and turns you 'round  turns you 'round

Invalidated, wandering, and empty, I have naught to find or do, and I lack the motivation/creativity to use what tools I have available to me. Guilt is an overwhelming concept, when I've done nothing wrong. When I have wronged... It's crippling, or nearly so. Not that I'm ever sure if I have wronged or not.

And fate, well, fate is a bitch. She bites and tears and pulls me farther from comfort, farther from expectation, and I'm left cold and alone. Learning, well, they say you learn when you leave your zone. I may, but what is this knowledge, maturity costing me? I'd rather be a child, with my fantasies and misjudgments and obsessions than a cold and cynical adult with a broken heart, broken soul.

Disappointment haunts me.

[yearsofangst]

I feel like a million dollars. A million dollars in a safety deposit box abandoned by my master, never to gain interest. To one day be discovered when my master is long dea by a Nigerian banker who only wants to share me with some fortunate American but no one believes him no one comes to claim me because he's Nigerian.

I must not exist.

[yearsofangst]

goddess of the hunt

Wherever you may wander, explore, whatever mountain you'll climb, or ocean you'll swim, I'll follow you, even though I'm terrified of water. If you need to know how to do something, I'll teach you. If you know how to do it, I'll learn. If you hurt, I have medicine. If you hunger, I can cook. If you go to jail, or war, or exile, I'll be right behind you, watching your back and hoping you won't turn me away. If you'll have me, I'll give you everything. If you'll let me, I'll conquer the world in your name. If you want me, all you need to do is say.

And if you want me gone, I'll go away.

[yearsofangst]

Were I not here, were I with you We'd be locked inside a box of imagination, with only our minds and our hands and the ability to shape that around us. Blue could be everything, from the sky to the ocean to the trees and even the grass. Water, trickling, but it doesn't exist until we seek it out. Not a spot of sunlight in the sky, but the ground is still dry until we dance barefoot in the puddles. Frogs and tadpoles and trees, with a picnic blanket on a hill. There is no gentle breeze, no warmth radiating down on my skin. There is stagnation, and I love it. We could make love, we could hold hands, we could do nothing at all. We'd become animals and tumble around, biting and scratching at fur that protects us. The trees could touch the sky, and the moon could really sing. The clouds and the stars could occupy the same space in our vision, in our hearts. The flowers are from the desert, bristly things that you don't want to eat but have inspired many a tribal story. Green spores waft lazily from the treetops, landing around us like snow. The world is under a canopy, and we are under a canopy, and we are locked in this box of imagination. While I am not here, as I'm with you.

[yearsofangst]

A friend had a birthday today

We haven't been close in a very long time, and we were close for only a short time

Our energies synchronized, I guess they call it chemistry

Overwhelming emotions, a drive to impress, compete, befriend... other things

Why did he have someone who didn't treat him well?

It seems that everybody has someone who doesn't appreciate them for who they are

That partnership is a choice people who don't like each other make

Because they want something more than themselves

And they'll compromise on almost anything to feel needed

Wanted

I know that feeling well

But I'm learning, I'm always drawn to the misunderstood, the unhappy

The miserable seeking an escape

And I guess I just assumed that was some inherent goodness in me

There's something else there, though

A reason that drive to care and heal tears through me to my core

A chipped blade catching on every quirk and detail

Punishing the things that could have made me me

Ripping them away

I'm not inherently patient, forgiving, easygoing

Someone else decided, deep inside their own mind, that I needed to be those things

They never even knew they were making a choice for me

Through years of honing, of screaming fights and absolutist statements

Of identity crises and writhing around, bound inside my own mind

Suffering to become pliable, intuitive, insightful

A machine in which angst is entered and validation outputs

Or feedback, you're not wrong, you're just forgetting this detail you already know in all your wisdom.

You're making perfect sense, they're not even listening to you.

Honestly why are people even like this? When it is all so simple, and all they have to do is try to pay attention?

And even when it was screaming and bile in my throat there was that knowledge

That I was powerless

That I wasn't really as special as you thought I was

That if I was, I'd escape

And then, foolish me, I thought that cutting you off was escape

I thought that an adulthood living out other peoples' dreams for them

Facilitating their fantasies

Was somehow different than being forced to live up to yours

It was a friend's birthday today, and when we were friends, we never got as close as we could have

Because all that was in my head was that nobody appreciated him enough

And that maybe I could fix that by fucking him

And we never did fuck

Because he's a better person than some of the friends before

And I've never fixed any of them

And it's not really about fixing anyone

Just letting me believe what was necessary to let myself become who I became

[yearsofangst]

a decade of sleep

jaw clenched

writhing, tossing, turning

living lives that start from nothing and fade to nothing

taking flight when things become

slowly waking

who was i before

and who will i be now

how much of who i became will follow me with who i've been

growth has taken so long on hold

can we now grow

[yearsofangst]

Right Through Me (and my defenses)

Verse 1:

i'm putting defenses

building strong walls

trying to protect myself from my feelings

but every time you're near me

i lose all control

something about you leaves me reeling

Chorus:

you're breaking me down taking over my mind

against you i'm helpless but for some reason that's fine

i don't mind

Verse 2:

is this love or like or friendship

what does this mean

im sure that we are having a misunderstanding

i wish i could know

what are you thinking

when i search my own thoughts all i find is wanting

Chorus:

you're breaking me down taking over my mind

against you i'm helpless but for some reason that's fine

i don't mind

Ending: (pre-recorded like how brittany spears does in the background music of her live songs)

breaking me down- i'm losing control- what are you thinking- i wish i could know

against you i'm helpless- i don't mind- i have no strong walls- for some reason that's fine

[yearsofangst]

Ode to Food 2(haiku)

I like pie so much Cherry apple blueberry Almost any kind

Pumpkin pie is good It tastes like jack-o-lanterns Fresh for Halloween

Apple pie is nice But I dont like it too much Or really at all

Cherry pie- heaven Sweet and sometimes sour too Tasty and gooey

Blueberry pie is- I dont know Ive never tried But it sounds good, right?

Chicken pot pie- gleh I hate it its really gross i don't like chicken

Lemon Meringue pie Sometimes icky sometimes good Usually good

Key lime pie maybe A little too sour, though

But the crust is great

[yearsofangst]

Ode to Food(haiku)

I like spaghetti I like it with lots of sauce And with meatballs, too

So red and yellow Appealing to my taste buds Can I please have more

How can we be out I thought you made so much more Did I eat too much?

Oh well now dessert At least I am not quite full Can I please have more

I am still hungry Why cant we just make some more? Is it breakfast yet

Waffles and fruit loops Oranges and lemonade Can I please have more

Pass the butter please Some syrup would be nice, too Ooh yum lunch is soon

Why dont we go out Lets go eat some tempura

Can I please have more

[yearsofangst]

MORE picture-inspired poetry

withering in a deep despair the blackened rose sulks. its thorns have all fallen away, and it is left only with its dark depression. it strives to remain, on a false hope that one day the black shall stain its once serene petals no more, but that day shall never come. it searches the empty, lifeless world it has come to call existance, looking for anything light, colorful, full of life. But it finds only hatred and emptiness. It longs for the beautiful hues of red and green it once took for granted, and wastes the precious moments of its rotting life remembering things gone long ago. It never realizes that there may be some beauty yet in black.

[yearsofangst]

Picture-inspired poetry claiming to dream

A dream- that is all it was. I saw it clear as day, and it felt real, too. But, alas, I was merely dreaming. There was a ship, that I remember as vividly as i do your face. It had billowing sails as black as the perilous depths of the sea. And the wood of which it was made! Oh, it was magnificent. The richest, darkest wood- I don't know which kind. And I sailed in it, alongside the crisp, light, playful waves, and the ever-changing horizon. The dolphins, and the fishes, they were there. They danced in the waves, greeting us and then racing us, surrounding the ship and then dissappearing alltogether. But, alas, I was merely dreaming. I saw it clear as day, and it felt real, too. A dream-that's all it was.