yakiree
“always already”
“the only philosophy which can be responsibly practiced in the face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. knowledge has no light but that shed on the word by redemption: all else is reconstruction, mere technique.” (Adorno, Minima Moralia, 247)
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day 5. no texts to or from.
woke up very early to go to the lake and take photos. i still don/t know where the OM-1 came from, but at this point i don/t care.
it feels inevitable that he will text me, just a matter of when. and depending on when it is, i don/t know how i/ll respond, but surely he must realise this kind of drop off into the ether isn/t conducive to any kind of comraderie. i will always take it into consideration.
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"You survive this and in some terrible way, which I suppose no one can ever describe, you are compelled, you are corralled, you are bullwhipped into dealing with whatever it is that hurt you. And what is crucial here is that if it hurt you, that is not what’s important. Everybody’s hurt. What is important, what corrals you, what bullwhips you, what drives you, torments you, is that you must find some way of using this to connect you with everyone else alive. This is all you have to do it with. You must understand that your pain is trivial except insofar as you can use it to connect with other people’s pain; and insofar as you can do that with your pain, you can be released from it, and then hopefully it works the other way around too; insofar as I can tell you what it is to suffer, perhaps I can help you to suffer less."
- James Baldwin, The Artist's Struggle for Integrity
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day 3
no texting, to or from.
this is working…my mind is on other things. how? i find it hard to believe that writing little snippets to the great unknown on my progress actually keeps me committed. but it seems to.
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day 2. not texts to him or from him.
maybe he knows its better this way.
maybe he only thinks about me when he’s masturbating.
he doesn’t like that word.
women “touch themselves”
i don/t usually revel in the pseudo-clinical obtuseness
of terms, but i embraced “masturbation”
early on in life. something to sour the pleasure
trip over the word, on yr way to my cunt.
not that you say it,
when are bodies were together.
but they haven/t been in seasons
SEASONS
and you can live like that
so i should, also.
day 2.
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🪺 Ornithological Field Diaries of A. Graham Brown.
1947-1957.
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i didn/t text him all day. and it really wasn/t that hard.
and he certainly didn’t text me.
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it feels better when he texts me. but are they judt
little shots of dopamine, leaving me anticipatory?
would it be better to stay silent?
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another day, and no goodbyes.
have i hurt his ego, by pulling away?
does he think i’m trying to play a game c/ him?
no, i just thought he’d say goodbye, at least.
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he doesn/t even reply.
fight for me.
he doesn/t even fight for me.
is that evidence that i was right
or a disappointment?
is his ego the caesura?
all i feel is abyssal
i miss him desperately.
II
these words
don/t seem to mean much
to him.
“we’re in trouble”
“i need you”
yr silence.
is epochal.
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