yakiree

[yakiree]

i think one of the best & worst features of melancholiae is how turned inward one becomes. the searing (seering) truth focuses the mind

demo:

“the Seer”

[yakiree]

“Been trying to forgive myself

For wishing I was somebody else

For wanting you to love me back

But it's worse than that

A year wishing I was somebody else

You always said that I'm too intense

It's not that I'm too much

You just don't have the guts

Don't need to know where you are

You'll be hit by a wave of me

I'm the God of everything else

You're the God of losing me

Don't need to know where you are

You'll be hit by a wave of me

I'm the God of everything else

You're the God of losing me

And now I follow bright light walls

In a dream, in a fog

It feels like a cry for help

Wishing I was somebody else

Begging you to love me back

I watched the way she stands

And the way her hands move

In a fog of you

Don't need to know where you are

You'll be hit by a wave of me

I'm the God of everything else

You're the God of losing me

Don't need to know where you are

You'll be hit by a wave of me

I'm the God of everything else

You're the God of losing me

It was a sick, sick, sickness loving you

I wake up choking on dreams of you

I wake up crying through loving you

I'll go everywhere just to get away from you

I go everywhere to get away from you

I've got everything I need

I see clues everywhere but I don't know what for

I've been waiting for the end”

[yakiree]

Regret.

[yakiree]

One advantage in keeping a diary is that you become aware with reassuring clarity of the changes which you constantly suffer.

Franz Kafka

[yakiree]

i am grasping for something to look forward to. i feel like i’m drowning, and i can see people watching me, watching me drown

[yakiree]

waking up to third day of wishing I hadn’t woken up.

[yakiree]

burrow

borough

[yakiree]

i’m not sure i can survive the emptiness consuming me.

[yakiree]

i/m not trying to stop her.

i just want to be nearby until she goes.

[yakiree]

nothing has ever made me honour and

yet

fear

contingency

as she does.

[yakiree]

[yakiree]

from my Elysian Mystery:

“It seems that there is depravity, everywhere I turn. Sometimes my suicidal tendencies are so cerebral: they come calmly as “I believe I have seen enough of the life this world offers, I am not interested in continuing to witness”.”

[yakiree]

“chokes on salt”

as i hurried to my connecting flight

i began to cry yet again

yes, choking on my own bones

like before

but im not crying

just thinking about her no longer nearby

too busy to talk or text

each of us returning

to our discrete melancholiae,

anhedoniae

fading back into the aether,

choking on water, then salt.

[yakiree]

we don/t get do overs.

we can/t take back all those ugly things

& we can/t change each other or our past selves.

we can love what we share now, and cultivate our lives.

[yakiree]

“Modesto, Palestine.”

Why do the stars move so fast tonight?

i ask my dearest, oldest friend, but she cannot hear

so i answer for her,

“most of those are planes, and drones.”

i crane back my head, wishful for binoculars,

to follow the path of the drone,

so close, so fast,

but not fast enough and i think of falustin

there are stars there, and planes,

but mostly drones

killing us from overhead.

[yakiree]

“tzimtzum, maybe.”

we are driving to her bar

i say i haven’t taken my medicine yet

and she asks, “is that why you seem melancholic?”

i say no, and flounder for some half-truth.

the moment passes but the weight remains.

she pulls into her partner’s driveway

& this time i wait in the car,

unwilling to again transgress the border

of another woman’s sanctuary.

why don/t i say that when she asks?

my mouth stuffed with sadness,

i mumble “emails to answer.”

where are the words to describe how i feel?

for once

not melancholic,

not reserved,

—just myself—

sometimes quiet

sometimes chattering—shattering—

even G-d withdraws sometimes.

i am myself,

the woman who creates herself

/moyocoyotzin/ as i wrote to ginevra

all those years ago.

[yakiree]

Ira Bordo

her website