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Update: As of now, I’ve been with someone for almost 11 months who I’ve been enough for and this feeling is so new but very welcome. I hope I get many more months with him <3

I really just want to be enough for someone

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Sometimes it kills me to know that you could have had a better life if I wasn’t born

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Drinking again.

I recognize her

The girl in the mirror who hates herself

I hadn’t seen her

Cause I’ve been so filled with love

I still am

So why does she appear and why

Do I feel so lonely

Something inside me begs to reach out

Rely on you all the way I insist you can on me

I don’t want you to worry

None of you

So I won’t give you a reason

I might rot into myself but

I’ll do my best to blossom for you all on the

Outside

Nourish you and provide shade

Anything I can give I will

Because you are what I love the most

The largest blossoms are for you.

Filled with love.

The kind you feel back.

And you are too afraid to lose.

I won’t lose you

I’d sooner lose my head.

Itching fingers no. 2

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And I know

That I can be the miserable girl I used to be

A few months ago

By shutting everyone out

The only friends who made me feel loved

The only love who was a friend to me

I can cut them all off

Stop asking for help

Let Myself sink further

I don’t want to tell them how hard it is

I don’t want to tell them it’s getting worse

If I pick up that razor I’ll hurt the wrong target

Instead of myself

I’ll cut through their hearts

Severe valves and still pumping aortas

The pain meant for myself will dash off and

Smatter across my loved ones

Painting them in the blood I don’t want them

To see

Is it bad poetry?

Sure.

Will anyone read it?

Hopefully not.

I need to say it though cause it burning through

Me

And I can’t tell them

Itching fingers no. 1

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Trying again... and trying not to be scared

So I )(ave a date tomorrow, with a guy I like and he says he likes me. We’ve watched anime in our Pjs and he’s even read )(omestuck. He is sweet and kind and funny and I feel comfortable around him. But I realize that almost a year ago to date that I was doing t)(ese t)(ings with someone else w)(o I would go on to cry about for 8 mont)(s. 

)(e was nice and sweet too and I still T)(ink )(e is, but I wasn’t enoug)( for )(im, and I am worried I’m setting myself up to get my )(eart s)(attered all over again. But my friends are warning me not to self sabotage.

My twin brot)(er says “)(ow are you ever going to find a )(appy relations)(ip if you don’t out yourself out t)(ere and you get scared? To win big you )(ave to risk it”

)(e’s rig)(t. I t)(ink I want to try again. I like )(is smile. maybe )(e IS different, but it’s )(ard to be scared t)(at )(e’s not.

T)(anks again Ec)(o C)(amber,

xxx Melody xxx

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i have to get clean of the self harm i inflict on myself of thinking i could never be enough for you

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Dear Jamie (my imaginary boyfriend),

Today I binged chainsaw man. I thought it was neat and you would have liked it. I’m worried I’m gaining too much weight recently but I’m only eating because I’m hungry and I bet you would say that it’s important I listen to my body and eat when I need to and that my weight is an arbitrary number that doesn’t define me. Today I got really upset and overwhelmed and I wish you could have given me a big hug or squished me with body weight to help me calm down. Instead, I held one of my hello kitty plushie. It was Spiff Kitty. I know that you’d know all of their names, if you were real. I’m rewatching Kimi Ni Todoki because I feel alone and I feel like I’ll never find someone who will be able to love me for the creature I am. At least I have you, Jamie.

I hope you sleep well Jamie,

Love Melody

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I really just want to be enough for someone

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Ah yes, going to get my hair dyed. Very excited but also it’ll be a dramatic change so I’m so so nervous I won’t like it xDD!

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a little edit cuz i was feelin’ cute 833!

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I said it once I'll say it again XD

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is someone gonna be alright with how unwell i am?

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things to look forward to

seeing my family when I get back home

my plushies on my bed every night

the warm safety of my blankets and covers

my music finally helping someone else

my friend’s funny face after I tell him a bad joke

my roommate eating my cooking

writing another song

putting on a soft hoodie 

a song i really like but i haven’t heard yet

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cutting away the depressed parts of my brain with a butterknife

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have i told you about Jamie?

James, my boyfriend, isn’t real

Jamie is an amalgamation of everything i want in a significant other

He is strong and tall and patient and kind and sweet and cheeky and wonderful

He holds me at night when I’m scared and says “it’s okay sweetie, i’m here”

He teases me and pokes fun and wrestles and plays around with me but he’d never joke about something he knows would hurt me

Jamie pays attention

He knows what fabrics i like and which ones I don’t

He squeezes me really tight when i panic 

He holds my hand and walks me to class and kisses my cheek and is not embarrassed that i am his girlfriend

But then i look at Jamie’s face

Since Jamie isn’t real, its all blurry

His hands aren’t real and i don’t know their true shape

But sometimes Jamie will take a shape of someone i know 

And i’ll get scared of Jamie when he looks like someone else

Jamie is supposed to keep me safe from wanting to be in love

Jamie is supposed to be enough for me so I don’t need a real lover

Sometimes I think Jamie wants me to fall in love with someone else

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Your Shoulder. Your Flannel. Your curls.

Your shoulder touches mine. Your side touches mine. Our arms wedged together. From there you seem so far despite the negative space between us. You shift. I remain still. It’d be far easier to hold each other than continue the way we are now. Sitting, I mean.

Your flannel. It feels warm and soft on my bare arm. I am tempted to lean into the warmth, but I can’t move. Are you drawn by my coldness? You seem to be. You shift. I remain still. I feel your head rest on my shoulder gently like you are lying down on a bed of sharp tacks.

Your curls. They are soft against my cheek. Gently brushing against me. The scent of your shampoo and cologne is now more apparent than before. I breathe you in and wonder if you’ve done the same. You shift. I remain still. I worry if I move that you’d vanish. That I would be relinquished of the honor of being this close to you. Time passes.

Your shoulder. Pressed against the couch. The other connected you to the arm you pull close to your own chest. Your eyes are closed. You breathe softly. I shift. You remain still. You’re awake. You listen to me drone on about something. You give your subtle input but you mostly just listen.

Your flannel. Pulled tight around you like a blanket. It keeps me warm too. I am drawn to your warmth despite how cold you seem to be. I shift. You remain still. You look gentle. You look tired. You look peaceful. You look ethereal. 

Your curls. Soft in my hands as I run my fingers through them. Your face turned towards me as your head rests on my chest. I breathe you in. I shift. You remain still. I lean my face into you and take a good look at your face. I think to myself it has to be you. That I wouldn’t want to hold anyone else like this.

Your shoulder. I place my hand on it and give a shove as we argue about my CDs. You say you like this one. I say I like that one. I shift. You shift. We push each other and taunt and tease and provoke. Both of us are determined to win. I lose. I lose my balance.

Your flannel. I reach out to grab it in a fetal and fleeting attempt to gain my balance. To win. But you win. You always do. I fall to my back and you topple on top of me. Your arms fly out to catch yourself right before your face smacks into mine. Your eyes meet mine. You shift. I shift. I make a joke. You look at me with the prettiest brown eyes I have ever seen. 

Your curls. They topple past your ears as you lean closer. You shift. I remain still. You press your lips to mine. I shift. You remain still. I kiss you back. I kissed you like I told myself I shouldn’t. You kiss me like you told me you wouldn’t. 

Your shoulder.

Your flannel.

Your curls.

We shifted.

I wish we remained still.

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CRYING XDD