xxstarving-and-sadxx

[xxstarving-and-sadxx]

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So I decided that I needed to recover. I'm not going to put aLL the blame on my meds but they make me really hungry and make me gain weight.

That on top of a extremely slow metabolism and eating about 5 meals a day

I've gained more than 10 pounds in two weeks. The only reason this bothered me was because I got a pair of pants in the mail that I was waiting a month on.

They were those cool black stretchy pants, with chains on the side. And as mOst of you should know they're supposed to be really fucking baggy. My mom had gotten them in size large

So mom comes home and tells me to put them on. I was really excited, already thinking of the shirt I'm going to wear with them once I go to school on Monday.

So, I'm putting them on and I realize it has a zipper in the front. As a precaution I unzipped it and got it about halfway up my legs.

So, these things are supposed to be baggy. And when it got close to being fully on, I realized "holy shit, why is this so tight?" I just kinda out them on fully and started walking around my room. Mind you this is a larGe.

While walking around i noticed I could barely bend either of my knees, and that I had forgotten to zip the zipper up. So that's what I went to do.

While standing up I kinda just tugged on the zipper. And again. And again, and again. Everytime I even got it to move, it would just slide down. So I got curious and stepped on the scale in the bathroom.

Two weeks ago I had weighed 177.6. this time I weighed about 188, and I say about Because I had a ton of heavy hoodies on.

So as I was walking out if the bathroom my mom comes out of her room and I give thAt look. the look I give when I'm pissed, sad, or both. So we talked for a while and I said I'm just going to stop eating. She didn't have a lot to say (surprise surprise 🙄) but just talked to me about that one pill and the side effects and controlling what I eat. I hated every second of that conversation.

Right now I didn't really have anyone to talk to because no one likes me anymore (lol) so I'm just posting here. I'm lonely.

I just wish people would care

Hey yOu! Yeah, you again!!

I know it's hard struggling with everything you're struggling with. I really really know. But you got this. Depression kicking you in the ass? Drink some water, people say it can make you feel a bit better. Try to move. It's okay if you can't! Just put your best effort in. Eating disorders being a bitch? You deserve better than whatever that little voice is telling you. Eat something small. It doesn't matter what, just eat something small. Distract yourself afterwards so it stAys. and if it doesn't stay it's okay! Try again! In recovery you take two steps forward and sometimes take a step back. But that's still making progress. Mid-terms stressing you out? I wouldn't know I'm not at that point yet! But what I cAn tell you is that you're going to do great. Just put your all into it, and I promise you're going to do fine. Don't forget to eat and sleep! You need it to focus!

And everyone else who may not have their exact problem here, I can promise you're going to get better. It's going to be better and I promise you that. Just hang in there another day. Please.

Well it's time for me to continue hating myself, I'll see you guys later. And rEMEMBER all of you guys are perfect

Stay hEalthy, for the love of God please.

See ya later 😎👉👉

[xxstarving-and-sadxx]

can someone explain to me why this made me a bit happier and also made me say “hello” at my screen instinctively 

hi

[xxstarving-and-sadxx]

so my mOm, walked into my room while i was waiting for a zoom to start. we talked, and she started cleaning my bed off, cause y'know, she has problems with things being a mess. and se found my (very cool) purple journal (and it has my ana stuff in it cause yEah). she looked at me weird. now that was because earlier i had put my first ana entry in it, and i was really hungry at the time. and to close the journal, it has a little string that you wrap around and tie. so because i was hungry, but didnt want to eat, i wrapped the string around, but loosely. i tucked in a water bottle with a note that says "hey you! drink this water, you deserve it". my mom found said journal/water bottle and looked confused. but then she asked if i wanted anything from quik-chek, and i said no. she kept offering me things that i usually eat, and i said no to all of them (im rEally proud of myself for that <3) and she looked at me weirdly and said "you not eating? wow im shocked" and i kinda just stood there like "🙃🙃 okay" and she went back to the water thing and she said, "hey, you know if you drink water before a meal, it helps you lose weight?" and i kinda gave the "oh shit" kinda look lol. she didnt catch on thank gOd.

but im happy that i refused food, and that ive made it this far through a fast! (my record is 4 days, but that was when i was really into starving lol)

hey, you! yeah, you reading this!

thank you for reading this far, and do nOT forget to hydrate yourself. remember, you are loved, and you deserve to recover. if you eVer need to talk to someone, im always here! you are lovely and so kind for putting up with my bullshit (for like, my one or two followers lol).

I love you! remember, you are not alone, and you are a gOdess/gOd/ uh... whats the non-binary term for gods? well whatever it is, everyone whos non-binary or not a male/female, is that term. (sorry for my idiocy lol)

i'll see you guys later!

(im gonna write a little letter to everyone who reads this, every post. so dont forget to read it if youre struggling, or just genuinly want to!)

[xxstarving-and-sadxx]

why does everyone hate me? i don’t really think they understand whats going on, and how i feel about myself. they don’t know how i hate how i look, they don’t know that i believe i shouldn't be happy because all i do is hurt people. they don’t know about the anxiety my step dad causes when he gets verbally aggressive. they don’t know that all of my family smokes weed, when that smell bothers me because of shit that happened in the past. they dont know my friend has recently killed himself, and that my aunt that i used to live with, died of a heart attack. they don’t know about my drunk cousin that i also used to live with. the abuse he did to me. the hitting. the yelling. they really don’t fucking know, but they still judge me. 

[xxstarving-and-sadxx]

hahah, tw go brrr

[as said, tw; eating disorder, suicide, self-harm, cursing]

well, i’m here now, after a year of trying to recover. i’m really sick of this shit. being fat and disgusting, being ugly, being unlikable. i had lost all of my friends last night because i had told the others that one of them was making themselves throw up. i don’t think they understand that i cant let my friend sit there and hurt himself. its almost 100% different for me though. i tell them i want to throw up? cold shoulder. i tell them i want to starve myself again? they don’t care. i cut myself? you guessed it, they don’t give a shit. like, what the fuck? but as soon as they are in need of something, they come running to me. i’m really sick of everyone's shit. at this point everyone would be happy if i just diEd. if i never existed. no one would have to live with the fact they have ME in their lives. they would be happy, and so would i. i cant wait till i finally grow the balls to kill myself 🙃