xspringpearl

[xspringpearl]

for @atticisms

march 25th, 2022

to: my dearest jo

I am so forgetful. I get distracted, I let things pass and it is only when something jogs my memory again that I remember. A word. A smell. A phrase. A song. These thing come without warning and take me backwards in time again, remind me of things past. This letter has gone long unanswered, and I take responsibility wholly for that. But, it is better late than never- though I promise I cannot fit every thought for you in one small letter. I will do my best.

I don't know that it's become any easier having you away from me. I think I've become accustomed to the feeling, perhaps used to it. But there are still times I ache for your company, times when I wish I could go back or fast-forward to another time when we might be together. It seems so simple. I'll walk past a bookshop, or a bakery, or a cafe, or somewhere we used to sit and eat and talk and live together and I feel the sharp ache in my bones. I hear our music all the time, songs that whisper your name. But mixed within my sorrow is a happiness that it all happened, a pride that you're seeing your way in the world now, and a sweetness that I know our kinship will never be forgotten.

What is it they say? Don't be sad that it's over, be happy that it happened?

Not much has changed here. It's strange to think you've been gone for six months now. It feels like a second and a lifetime. Spring is here again. I think it must always be the changing of the season that makes me the most nostalgic. Spring is so wonderful, easily my favorite season. Everything wakes up again after it's long winter nap, things seem brighter and kinder, sweeter than before.

It would be nice to say that I've had a great many successes in the last six months, but I haven't. Which isn't a bad thing. The world is still returning to normal and that takes time, I try to remind myself. Baby steps are important, small progress is still progress. Working my way to tryinf harder, trying to talk to new people, bettering myself with small steps is what matters. I mustn't compare myself to others.

I get to see you soon. I'm trying not to think about you leaving again so quickly, and trying to focus on the time you're here, for that will be the most joyous part. My heart leaps to think about it. Someday soon I'll have to make the journey to your neck of the woods. I was only a baby the last time I was there, so it will be nice to go and be able to remember my time.

I love you terribly and miss you even more. You're always in my thoughts and I'm always here.

My love,

Meg

[xspringpearl]

atticisms​:

though inspiration had struck, jo hadn’t considered the idea of starting at the beginning. in fairness, it was her own tongue that had stated that “it all has to go,” but she hadn’t expected the statement would suddenly bring her down memory lane. if one could call it that. yet, she did like where her sister’s ideas had strayed. why shouldn’t she air it all out? all the issues that had laid under the surface and only recently been called by name.

“brilliant, meg,” jo said with a nod, withdrawing her pointed pen in order to press it to her paper. however, the moment the tip made the smallest dot, she found that many more pictures were being painted in her head - but they were moving as though someone were reenacting her life upon a theatrical stage. 

when was the first time that she had seen teddy? truly? living across from another, her eyes had caught his profile many of times - but she had never cared to actually notice him. perhaps her mind had been filled with her own responsibilities on those days. or maybe she had only seen him with glazed eyes as the stories in her head were much more important. so then, when had she seen him? really seen him?

the party.

of course. it had been at the silly little gathering meg and her had attended. oh, how meg always carried herself with such grace and ease in those situations while jo wanted nothing more than to shrink into the shadows. and so she had. disappearing behind a curtain as she sought her freedom, only to find teddy cast away in the same dark room.

the rest had been history.

no, it certainly cannot just be history. we’re writing it all down. she scolded herself. 

leaving her thoughts for a moment, she instead focused on meg’s words once more, her lips parting as her sister spoke honestly of their companion.

“meg…” jo began, a smile spreading across her still parted lips. she hadn’t known if her sister was only trying to make her feel better or what the reason was for her sudden speech… but jo was relishing in it. “just because you’re being frank doesn’t mean you’re being unkind,” jo told her firmly. “i’m getting a thrill out of it anyway.” with this, jo sat down in their arm chair, not wasting any more time as she attempted to quickly document meg’s words. “go on. this is all gold. i’ll be sure to put in a section titled ‘the eldest’s perspective.’ it sounds wise and credible then.”

jo continued her scribbling, writing down the words ‘scrawny and pale’ before underlining and circling them. “i should have never invited him into our club anyway. lack of judgment on my part. maybe we should have a ceremony to officially dismiss his position…or is that too unkind…?” her pen stopped now, her eyes raising to her sister. jo’s lips pressed together before she shrugged, her eyes once again falling to the paper. 

“right… i’ll just move onto my piece then. ‘the beginning.’” she then quickly wrote down a few words, staring at then as she didn’t write anything more.

a meeting in refuge. 

How different she and Jo were, and yet how similar in the same breath. Jo relished in the strange sort of barrage sent upon Laurie, while Meg held back, worried that her tongue was too sharp for the occasion- and yet they both continued. Meg made quick- and somehow still polite- work of telling Laurie off, and then it was Jo’s turn.

Jo’s work was always silent, the sound of her pen against the paper the only mark of her brain ticking and turning away. It was a marvel to watch, truly. Pages and ink flew past, Jo sorting them into a neatly haphazard pile near the blank ones, and Meg dared to take a peek at what her sister had written.

“Jo, you’re- astonishing in the best of ways.”

Her sister spared no expense, granted Laurie’s memory no mercy. And why shouldn’t she, Meg supposed? Laurie had been unkind to both of them, in odd ways, seemed to find the thing to get beneath their skin and run away with the very idea. It brought another memory to mind, one that Meg had never shared with Jo out of fear for being judged herself. But it was so long ago now, and it seemed that they were already on track to air their grievances.

“You know, I suppose there is another memory I have of him, one that I see fit to share now- but Jo, you can’t judge my behavior now- I was a few years ago, when I stayed with the Moffats for that silly old party. I- well I let them spoil me with their wealth and kindness. They gave me a dress to wear, a very nice one, and they did my hair in curls and dressed me in powder and flowers- I looked like a little fool, truly, but I just enjoyed the affair of it all, the lavishness of their world and how different it was from my own.

“But Laurie caught me, I didn’t know he’d be there, and he told me how silly my dress was and ruined my good fun.” Meg blushed a little, twisting her hands in her skirt. “I suppose he was right, and I came home and felt so foolish for letting them fill my head with flowers and champange- but Laurie was terrible about it. He tried to make up for it, but I never forgot about it.”

Meg swallowed thickly as if she had confessed some long-born sin, feeling a strange and faraway guilt wash through her belly. Shrugging, she untwisted her hands from her skirt.

“But now you know, and I hope it fuels your tirade against Laurie.”

[xspringpearl]

atticisms​:

hearing meg’s vote of approval for john’s fate, jo couldn’t stop herself from swiftly circling the note. imagining the squirming man - pulling at his collar in discomfort as he performed in front of his students. it made the wicked smile on her lips deepen.

however, it was quickly lost as meg posed her question - bringing a sigh from jo’s lips instead. 

“and what if i do?” the writer asked, keeping up her scribbling. “he wants nothing to do with me, so why should i want anything to do with him?”

her mouth was now set in a firm line. if jo were being good and honest, she would admit that she still wanted everything to do with teddy. losing him was like losing a part of herself, really, no book in all of history could have documented a better friendship - even jo found it impossible to put their companionship into proper words. so she’d never tried. she only existed in it, residing in the world they created together that was as carefree as they were when running barefoot through the fields. 

though she did not want to marry him, she didn’t much like the idea of living in a world without him in it. though sadly, her confession would never go on record as her pride held her truth and replaced it with bitterness.

set it on fire.

jo stopped then, her back straightening as her eyes grew wide. cast away from the paper, her gaze settled on meg as her lips parted. “meg..” she began slowly, barely above a whisper. “that’s genius!” jumping up from her seat, jo nearly knocked the chair over as she busied her hands with a pursuit for a clean sheet of paper. “write it down and burn it up,” she continued.  

finally retrieving it, she turned herself completely to meg as she gripped her blank canvas in her hands. “i’ll write it all. all these…things inside my head that i can’t explain and then…i’ll just burn it up! set it free.”

she paused with a smile, sneaking out a small laugh before she paced to the other side of the room. “where shall i start?” she called out, holding up the paper so it was now in her eye line. she then quickly turned, pointing her pen towards her sister like a drawn sword. “a letter to him? one he’ll never read?” she nodded then, bringing the pen to the paper. “perhaps it doesn’t matter. anything and everything will do. it all has to go.”

Meg’s brows raise at her sister's sudden bubble of inspiration. She watches Jo whirl about again, this time her mission entirely different. Meg doesn’t know where to help, where to begin- truthfully, she didn’t know anything was wrong between Jo and Laurie until everything had already fallen apart. But then, it had happened rather quickly, and she’d been so caught up in the wedding...

No matter. Meg’s brow knits together as she tries to think of something to say, some way to be helpful. She settles cross-legged on the floor, skirts gathering around her legs as Jo arms herself with a pen and paper, aiming the pen at her with deep concentration. Meg nods a little.

“A letter seems like a good idea. I could try to help you write it? Why don’t you start well and truly at the beginning? Your very first impression of him, whether that be when you first saw him through the window of that great big house or the first time you ever truly spoke to each other. Begin there, it’s always best to create a narrative- though I suppose you know that rather well already, don’t you?”

Meg tried to think of the first time she’d ever seen Laurie in that great big house. She and Jo had been old enough to remember many more things than the two younger sisters, the neighboring house being one of them. Laurie was Jo’s age, both of them only a year younger than her, but Meg could remember from a young age spying with Jo on the pale boy next door. He always seemed to peer out his windows at the horizon just above their house, but Meg could tell he was actually looking in on them.

“Shall I tell you what I think of him? My first thought was that he was very scrawny and pale, maybe a little nosy. And he doesn’t know the first thing about manners. He disobeys his grandfather often, John has told me he was a terrible student, always daydreaming and getting distracted by the littlest things. He’s very cocky- he practically invited himself into our club- of course, I suppose that was partly your idea too... sorry.”

Meg’s cheeks darkened to a soft pink.

“I’m sorry- is this what you want to hear, or am I being too unkind?”

[xspringpearl]

Paolo Sebastian Once Upon a Time Collection: “Woodland Scene”

[xspringpearl]

Little Women (2019) dir. Greta Gerwig

[xspringpearl]

atticisms​:

a scowl nearly appeared on her face as meg questioned her timeline. need she remind her sister that they prepared their christmas shows in far less time? granted, the scripts were shorter than the one meg held in her hand. with that last thought, jo finally dismissed her unspoken argument.

which was made easier as her sister voiced her agreement. 

“oh, meg!” she exclaimed, a grin spreading across her lips. jo nearly jumped into the air, but soon found her energy drawing her elsewhere. she turned suddenly, shifting her desk chair back so she could instantly plop herself down in it. then her eager hands went to retrieve more papers - these ones being blank. 

“dozens of new ideas just popped into my head,” she spoke, grabbing her quill and ink pot as she readied herself. “we can fashion armor out of lettuce leaves - picked from the fairy queens finest garden.” jo was then dipping her pen, wasting no time before she was scratching down more ideas, another triumphant section of dialogue. 

“perhaps john would like to be in it? we could make him the pumpkin king that you inevitably fall in love with… and i behead.” jo paused then, lifting her head to give her sister a cheeky smile before she was right back to work. “i’ll make a note of that if we care to revisit it later.”

as she continued to write, her fingers pulsed as her hand was not fast enough to keep up with her thoughts. however, jo’s imagination was much too determined to let any detail slip away. the picture was being painted in her mind and jo could reference it as she pleased.

and one piece she saw was a certain character she had created long ago… standing off to the side. one whose chest puffed out, whose chin was held high.

“the general of our army,” jo breathed, quickly realizing she had spoken the words aloud. curse her tongue. her eyes flickered to meg, but then turned to look at the wall in front of her - appearing as though she were still viewing her painting. 

“i had planned to make teddy the leader of your army - a field mouse by the name of borak… not too fond of squashes.” jo looked down at the words she had scribbled then, rolling her quill in her finger tips as she weighed the past and present choices of her work.

finally, she cleared her throat. “no matter. his grandfather could play the part just fine, if he’d agree. or even our dear hannah.”

Meg watches her sister in her purest form, in her true natural habitat. Jo moves at the speed of sunlight through the dark room, casting just as many lights and shadows as the candle on her desk. At the mention of John, she laughs and claps wildly.

“Oh, that would be wonderful! And I’m sure the children he tutors around town would be delighted to see him in it.”

The brunette laughs again, eyes tracing over Jo’s movements when suddenly her sister comes to a stop. She can see the icy chill settle over her once more, and as she speaks, Meg’s heart strains for her sister. There is a darkness that pools in Jo’s eyes, one that is not purely sinister, but rather the diminished sorrow and sourness of someone who has been dealt a poor hand in a card game. When you know the game has gone south, but by no one’s fault but a chance- or perhaps, the dealer of those cards.

“Jo- do you intend to speak of him as if he is dead for the remainder of your days? He still lives next door, his grandfather still speaks with Marmee and Father. He is not gone from our lives, as much as we may wish him to be.”

Her arm finds its way around Jo’s shoulder and she hums into the younger girl's hair. 

“I wish I could take that away. The heartbreak or the pain or whatever it is you’re feeling towards him. I wish I could take it all away, write it on a piece of that paper and set it on fire to be gone forever.”

[xspringpearl]

atticisms​:

jo could feel her own eyes widen at the response of her sister. she hadn’t necessarily expected meg to agree to her small offer, figuring the woman would say she was much too busy running her new home to take part in jo’s antics. meg’s interest caused an involuntary upturn to jo’s lips that reflected the blood rushing under her skin. 

“really?” jo asked, her voice nearly raising an octave. however, she quickly cleared her throat. “i mean, you’d be interested? truly? because in that case…”

she trailed off, moving around meg to another spot of her desk as she began to pull out various sheets of paper. ones that had been tucked away. 

“i happen to have a few pieces that could show great potential. mind you, they’re only in the early stages, but i’d be glad to finish any of them.”

jo’s heart happily thumped in her chest, her legs vibrating underneath her as she continued to answer her sister’s question. “i was thinking we could put it on in the garden. the weather should allow it. knowing your talents, we’d be able to present a finished product within the week. it could be a summer send off.”

finally, the buzzing writer pulled out another section of papers - the thickest of them all. she then slowly turned to her sister and made sure to hand that very collection to her first. 

“this one’s my favorite,” jo said, looking directly at meg as her voice became softer. “it involves a fairy queen, determined to protect her land and people from a relentless heard of pumpkin warriors.”

her following smile matched her voice, presenting gentle and subtle. “you’d obviously be our fairy queen. and i’d play alvaro - your rightful confidant.”

Thes were the things that Meg missed dearly. The close sense of camaraderie, the brightness that shone through Jo’s face when she presented her ideas, the absolute delight that bubbled between the sisters when thinking about their next adventure, no matter how make-believe. Perhaps that was why Meg had so willingly agreed to it; the almost fight from moments before had left a bitter taste, and here was something to sweeten it once again. 

Meg pictured it easily; the garden behind the house transformed into a stage, the weather just beginning to cool into autumns chillier tones, the sun still bright and golden late into the evening, a few fireflies still sparkling over the fields. It felt very magical, even in Meg’s imagination, and Jo’s description seemed to fit perfectly into the landscape.

“A week!” Meg laughs, balking a little. “My goodness, you have such faith in me.”

Still, Meg’s eyes scan across the script with eagerness, drinking in the words like a straggler at an oasis. She feels as though she’s been away from this world for so long, and it feels so good to return.

Her heart leaps in her chest as she skims through, a decision coming to her easily.

“Alright, let’s do it.” Her voice is bright if not a little nervous. “It shall be a summer send-off, my last before my descent into mundane married life with John.” She mocks herself and mimics her sister’s tone with a laugh. 

“But who else would be in it? Surely you’ve thought of this already, oh great and wise writer?”

[xspringpearl]

atticisms​:

“ah, well, my childlike wonder betters my stories. so who has the last laugh then?” 

jo stood, her aching knees thankful to escape the wooden boards of the floor. she then walked back to her small desk that sat in the corner of the room, noticing the candle that laid there slowly dying. quickly, she lit another match and relight the wick, allowing it to illuminate the scattered papers and ink blots all over her desk. 

shaking out the match, she turned to look at her sister as meg spoke of her john. meg’s beauty glowed in the flicker of the candle, patterned with the grace of the moon flooding gently in from the window. jo made sure to take a mental photo of her sister, knowing she’d like to incorporate the very image into her writing.

as if reading her thoughts, jo nearly chuckled when meg asked of her writing. though, it was uncommon that someone amongst their family didn’t question her stories at least once a day.

jo nodded, turning to the papers on her desk once more to gently rustle them with her fingers. 

“i have. of a young woman fleeing her current life in order to take refugee on a pirate ship. she’s a prisoner at first, of course. but has since gained the crew’s trust and is now sailing to the wonders of the world.” jo finished with a small laugh, still focussing her eyes on the papers and the scattering of words that laid on them.

of course the story was a product of her occurrence with teddy. 

“why? should we run off and join a pirate ship?”

it had to be. 

“and what of you?” jo asked, finally bringing herself to look back at meg. “what have you been filling your time with? i’ll gladly write you some scripts if you’d like to rehearse. we can even start tonight - if you stay.” she smiled now, her throat slightly tight as she recalled those christmas shows of meg playing her fearless lead. oh how she missed those times of innocence and freedom. 

Jo’s  story was intriguing, as always, and peppered with intricacies that Meg could never imagine on her own. Jo was a master when it came to detail, when it came to character building. It always felt as if her characters were real people, people that Meg longed to meet and listen to. It was Jo’s gift, truly.

Meg draws her fingers lightly across the papers, eyes skimming Jo’s handwriting.

“I don’t know how you do it,” she breathes, a smile brightening her eyes.

Jo’s question brought a blush to Meg’s cheeks, though she couldn’t exactly say why. She smiles again and tilts her head to the side, a half shrug meeting her cheek. 

“I don’t know.  I suppose all the normal things that come with married life. Getting married was a milestone, so I suppose it’s alright to rest and wait for another.” At the mention of a script, Meg’s eyes brighten a little again.

“That would be fun! But where would we put it on? Surely Christmas is still too far away.”

[xspringpearl]

atticisms​:

despite their differences, how the girls always managed to fall back together was nearly a mystery her. however, jo assumed it was likely the outcome of an unbreakable bond.

there was no convincing meg to ever succumb to jo’s ways and turn her back on love. meg had confirmed that when she denied jo’s plan to run away only moments before her marriage to john brooke. but, jo could take comfort in the fact that her sister, and her family, would always fall to accept her. even if she did have a very unconventional way of going about the world - as aunt march often told her. 

jo offered a small smile now, finally taking her sister’s hand that laid before her. “we’re all ships. all of us. just because your ship may not sail as far does not mean it’s any smaller than my own.” following her words, she gave meg’s hand a small squeeze as her smile grew deeper.

however, her subtle grin soon slid away as jo wrinkled her nose - detesting her sister’s use of her full name. but it was quickly forgiven as she let out a small laugh, unscrewing her features once more.

“that will never happen,” jo assured her. “you all burn deeper in me than my own passions. you’ve helped mold my passions. christopher columbus, you’re the muse to my passions!” she laughed once more. “you’re all the princesses in my stories. the war veterans. the heroes. the ogres - especially amy.”

she squeezed her sister’s hand again, relishing in this moment with her sister. thoughts of teddy had escaped her now. damn him and damn his proposal!

 “wherever i go, you all go. but i promise that doesn’t mean i won’t come back. i have to see my subjects up close every once in awhile.”

The air around the sisters has changed for the better. Meg holds Jo tightly for a moment longer, then settles back on her heels, skirt tucked beneath her. Laughter bubbles bright and clear from her throat at her sister's playfulness, something she hoped that Jo never outgrew. Meg had always been in such a hurry to grow up, to prove that she was worthy of being the eldest sister, to make her parents proud. She was jealous when her siblings showed her up in something that she ought to be doing too, but Jo seemed rooted to her childhood persona in a way that still managed to keep toe to toe with Meg.

“You are so like a child,” Meg teases, voicing her thoughts and crossing her fingers through Jo’s long, wild hair. “But somehow, it is unbelievably becoming on you.”

The eldest sister laughs again, this time rising to her feet and brushing the attic dust from her dress. A glance through the frosty window told her that the sun had set, darkness consuming the grounds around the house.

“I’m not sure how I’ll get back to John tonight, it’s very dark now. Perhaps I’m better off staying here. I’m sure John will understand.” 

Meg walks to the desk on the far side of the room, the fated one that she’d seen Jo scribbling away at so many nights. 

“Are you writing anything new?”

[xspringpearl]

atticisms​:

she’d been pacing in the silence, calculating what her sister would say next. however, when meg finally spoke, jo couldn’t deny that she didn’t like what she’d heard. her eyes were cast away from her sister’s face, now fixed to stare out the small window - the only one in the room. it was outside that window that her future resided. that she envisioned pirate ships and knights and long journeys on foot - all the wonders that found their way into her stories. the world was endless. it was open. it could be hers for the taking.

and yet, as seconds ticked on with her gaze pointed outward, she soon realized that she’d been merely staring out at the large house that sat across from their own. 

the lawrence estate. 

oh curse him. how he managed to fill her moment of longing with irony without his presence was truly cruel. 

what was even more cruel, though, was the way her heart ached further. how she knew that she couldn’t pull on her worn leather boots and walk across the muddied path to go bug him this instant. of course, it was much too late, but even if she dared to try… he wouldn’t see her. and though she could claim she didn’t want to see him either, she knew it was only a lie. 

yes. what was cruel most of all was that by denying her friend to love, she had also lost his companionship. would teddy’s and her bond be broken forever? she feared it would. 

but was this only about pride? or was it about principle? about destiny? jo knew it was selfish of her to deny teddy’s proposal without a moment of hesitation, not only for his sake but for her family’s as well. theodore lawrence had money and it was money that her family needed. but jo couldn’t abandon her freedom and surrender her happiness to be safe… to be comfortable. it was out of the question.

however, there was no way she would ever turn her back on her sisters. 

tearing her eyes away from the window, she looked back at meg. though anger still brewed inside of her, she felt her fingers slowly uncurling, ready to let her temper drift away. 

“i could never be alone. none of us ever could be. no matter how far we go or what path we choose, the march’s will always be together. i’ll make sure of it.”

her voice nearly caught, threatening to crack as she struggled to express the full importance of her sisters. of this entire situation. but she needed meg to know, even if it meant releasing her good sense. 

she took steps to meg, closing the distance between them. finally, she kneeled down, looking up at her sister as she nearly took her hand. 

“you must know - you must …that i do love teddy. but not the way that you all want, hope, expect… perhaps even believe. we’re too similar and that may cause others to see us as a match, but i see it as our undoing.” she paused now, giving another good shake of her head. “or maybe you didn’t believe use to be the image of true love, which then you’ve always known i would never marry him. and i’ll tell you as i told him… i’ll never marry at all.”

jo knew that was a fact… even if teddy didn’t.

Meg can hear the truth in her sister’s words. Truth and pain and honest heartache. Meg knows that Jo knows the weight of her actions. Not once in their lives has a March sister made a foolish action, an action without thinking, an action without careful calculation.

The eldest March feels the air between them crackle with understanding. Perhaps not agreement, as Meg knows the two sisters will never agree on some things, but Meg feels herself understand Jo a little better. For Meg, love, and marriage has always been a symbol of forever, a symbol of companionship and trust for the remainder of your days with someone who returned the sentiment. It’s safe and secure. For Jo, it is a life sentence, an existence doomed to dreariness, security that felt more like a ball and chain than an anchor.

Meg has always been a little jealous of Jo’s nonchalant attitude. Jo is bold, she’s daring, she defied the very nature of their world. Meg is ever cautious, always looking to please and be safe. Perhaps it was a fool's errand; love, and marriage. But the security and belonging that it brought to Meg’s heart were too good to resist. She was a romantic at heart, through and through, and the peace it brought her was endless.

She understands now that Jo does not feel this way. Might not ever feel this way.

It is clear, even if only for a moment. Meg bends at the knees, nearly collapses to the floor in front of her sister, and finally envelops her in a hug.

“You’re right,” she hums. Tears sting her eyes and she blinks them away. “You’ll always have us. We are your harbor and you are the ship destined to sail the world.”

She knows that this decision has been no easy feat for Jo, and it is here and now that she holds her younger sister close and strokes her hair, finally offering the comfort she ought to have offered in the first place. 

“Just please, Josephine, remember that you have us. Don’t stray so far that we cannot find you again. I know you’ll keep us together, but remember that you are us too.”

[xspringpearl]

atticisms​:

‘i can take care of myself,” the words left her, perhaps harsher than she’d meant. it was always jo’s way to act on impulse, her temper forever getting the best of her. and her tongue, for that matter. 

she stopped then, blowing out a rush of hair that shifted the unruly tendrils hanging near her forehead. her hand soon followed to run through her hair, finally resting on the back of her neck as she stared at the floor.

it wasn’t fair. simply unfair. 

“why does everyone expect it then? why does your family and my grandpa expect it? why are you saying this?”

flashes of teddy’s speech echoed through her mind. she had dreaded it for weeks…months…maybe even years. inevitably she’d known that teddy’s confession would soon find her displeased ears. she’d have been a fool if she’d claimed to be blind of his affections, but she had hoped he would have known of her disapproval without her having to voice it. 

only…he had known, but that would never stop ol’ theodore laurence.

but now it left jo battered and bruised. though she’d escaped the commitment of marriage by turning him down, she had also hurt her dearest friend.

and even her own heart. 

following the denied proposal, she’d shut herself up in her beloved attic. it was only tonight that she’d been willing to tell her dear sister of the occurrence, needing to free her mind of the nagging thoughts. however, meg’s words weren’t providing their usual ease - a consequence of the sisters not seeing eye to eye on the topic of marriage. 

“i’ll make it be sure, meg. nothing is certain, but i won’t shy away from the unknown. i don’t…” she stuttered for a moment, shaking her head once more as she soon met her sister’s eyes again. “i don’t want what’s right in front of me. i don’t want what’s easy. i never wanted this chance in the first place… i don’t want it at all.”

she paused now, her anger radiating from her chest as she filled her lungs this time with much needed air. 

“i will make this world be sure of jo march. that’s the chance i want and that’s the one i’m taking. don’t you see?”

There was settling, a sort of cooling of the hot coals after the fire, and Meg felt the chill of it settle in her chest. The two sisters stood as almost opposites, in the room, and in life. Jo was an always burning furnace, hot and dangerous to the touch. Meg was cooler, calm on the surface, and heated only to a gentle rolling boil when provoked. Meg never exploded with a wild temper as her sister did.

But of course, Jo had always been capable. Even as a child, it seemed she’d never been in trouble because she could work her way out of it with charm and wit. Meg was jealous, once, perhaps as children.

Except now, Meg feels helpless. That same ferocity that had kept Jo out of trouble as a girl was coming back to fight them all now. It was fitting, truly. Meg’s hands wrap themselves beneath her arms as she hugs herself tighter. She wants to hug Jo but hasn’t earned the right just yet, so she makes do with herself.

There is no bringing Jo down tonight. Meg knows it, and eventually, she has to get back to John. The dusky light outside is beginning to fade, the attic lit by a singular candle on the desk in the corner. The flame casts sinister shadows on the walls and across her sister’s face, and the chill settles almost deeper.

Meg realizes that another silence has enveloped them, but she has nothing left to say, no way to cut the silence. Jo March has always been set in her remarks, always known to have the last word, and who better to recognize that than her older sister? A soft sigh escapes Meg’s lips and she holds her sister’s gaze, twin irises in the firelight.

“We worry that your pride will go before your fall, Jo. We worry that you’ll try to face this great big world alone and-” Her voice cracks and she holds herself tighter still. “You always said you wanted us all to stay together, but I fear you push us all away with your determination to go it alone.”

[xspringpearl]

@atticisms con from here

“i won’t marry him.”

the words were mumbled, jo’s head hung as she stared down at her hands - her inked stained fingers pulled at one another incessantly. her cheeks had run warm moments ago, though she continued to keep her back turned to her sister so her true emotions would stay concealed. her teeth sank into the side of her tongue, warding off the tears that threatened. she couldn’t cry. she wouldn’t. few things were worth tears, most of all boys. even if they would be shed over her one companion.

“i won’t marry at all,” she continued her short speech, lifting her head though she still only spoke to the wall. staring at the wooden boards of her attic, the second eldest march focused on the inhale of her breath as she chose her next words carefully. each word held so much weight… so much importance. after all, one was always writing their own story and she wanted her dialogue to be right as she wouldn’t be able to edit them later.

pressing the breath out, she felt her chest fall as her rib cage ached to relinquish every inch of air.

“i know you wish for me to marry. perhaps you all do, but that’s not my wish.”

jo turned to face her sister now. her features remained stoic, hard. tears no longer threatened, the redness having disappeared from her cheeks - or so she hoped.

“you may think that marriage is gift, but i think it a curse. you and i know that my path to success may be difficult, but it’s not impossible.”

a laugh escaped her now, though it lacked humor. a smile never reaching her face. she slowly shaked her head as she looked passed her sister, off to another corner of a room.

“teddy and i could never marry. that… we would be possible.”

It was far too easy to take on the role of condescending elder sister. So easy, in fact, that Meg’s lips part to speak in such a tone before she has to hold her breath. Now is not the time. It would only anger an already angry Jo, and this is not Meg’s goal. A deafening silence passes between the sisters. It gives Meg a moment to think, a moment to choose herself carefully, softly. It is late in the evening, the rest of the house two stories below, still in front of the fire.

“Jo,” she murmurs, cutting the quiet. It is cold in the attic, far away from the warmth and light of the sitting room. Meg wonders how the younger girl can spend so much time up here. Perhaps it adds to her sometimes frosty disposition.

“Jo, it’s not that we mean you harm. Quite opposite, in fact. We- mother and father too- we just want to see you safe and taken care of. Marriage can be wonderful in it’s own right, but even after that, it’s safe! It provides for you.”

Laurie’s nickname always catches Meg off guard when Jo uses it; the boy never let the rest of them call him that. Not that Meg thought she would, but it was strange to think of him with so many names instead of only one. Plus, it made Jo and Laurie seem so painfully intimate, when the rest of the pair suggested otherwise. It was as if the sobriquet was Jo’s only form of true romance for the boy, a closeness that resembled more two siblings than lovers, and yet.

“We believe in you Jo, and your talent as a writer. We’ve always believed in it. But the world is so unsure, and this- marriage, could be your one sure thing. And Laurie- well, he’s here, isn’t he? In front of you? Who knows when that chance may come again?”

[xspringpearl]

more misc memes

“  change isn’t easy.  ” “  i just wanted to say i’m sorry.  ” “  i guess being angry was/is just easier than being sad.  ”  “  what did you want to tell me?  ” “  it was supposed to be simple.  ” “  you’ve got blood on your shirt.  ” “  you can stay with me.  ” “  what did you want to show me?  ” “  i miss ____ more than i thought i would.  ” “  i don’t like to talk about it, but i wanted you to know.  ” “  shut up. please.  ” “  fuck off.  ” “  hush, i’m trying to kiss you.  ” “  you’re lucky you’re cute.  ” “  i fucked up.  ” “  i just want to take it all back.  ” “  i can’t sleep.  ”  /  “  can’t sleep?  ” “  we should get a pet.  ” “  if you have something to say, spit it out.  ” “  i’m allowed to be angry.  ” “  she/he aint even that cute.  ” “  just hold me.  ” “  do you want me to go?  ”   “  i just need time.  ” “  i already made my decision, you’re not going to change that.  ”   “  nothing you can say will surprise me.  ” “  everyone leaves, eventually. either they move on or they die. they leave and i’m left behind.  ” “  death is a part of life. i accepted that a long time ago.  ” “  i don’t fear death. i fear anonymity.  ” “  listen to me, please.  ” “  i’m not even sure what to say to that.  ” “  that should probably shock me, but honestly it doesn’t.  ” “  am i supposed to care?  ” “  i do care.  ”   “  you make me happy.  ” “  you look beautiful like this.  ”   “  if this is your idea of fun, i don’t know what to say to you.  ” “  it terrifies me.  ”   “  just let me show you how i feel.  ”

[xspringpearl]

—  sentence starters :  a softer world.

‘  i am learning to appreciate the simple things, like you.  ’

‘  we carry our own loneliness with us.  ’

‘  let them hate me, so long as they fear me.  ’

‘  i am surprised more suicide notes don’t just say ‘ no thank you ’.  ’

‘  everyone should have a contingency plan for when the dead rise. mine is to see my brother again.  ’

‘  even monsters are welcome when your home feels empty.  ’

‘  live every day like it’s your second last.  ’

‘  my five year plan is to maybe go out for ice cream this afternoon?  ’

‘  wherever you go, there you are, murdering more people.  ’

‘  there are two types of love: true love, and the love we actually get.  ’

‘  i don’t want to die alone, which i guess means i don’t want to die.  ’

‘  you are never here. you are always almost there.  ’

‘  you miss 100 percent of the shots you take at people who aren’t really there.  ’

‘  i only miss 92% of the shots i don’t take. no big deal.  ’

‘  i am so tired of taking everyone’s word for it that money doesn’t buy happiness.  ’

‘  when you get that look, nobody is safe. it’s why i first fell in love with you.  ’

‘  things are easier since i stopped dreaming.  ’

‘  i don’t wish i were dead, but some time off from being alive would be nice.  ’

‘  i cannot see where i want to go, only that i want the going.  ’

‘  it’s not you, it’s me. it’s both of us. actually, it’s your dad. it feels good to admit that.  ’

‘  there are so many hours in a day.  ’

‘  you and me will die the way we lived, telling ourselves stories to make it mean something.  ’

‘  when someone tells you you are wasting your life, smile real wide, and suggest they be grateful that you don’t waste theirs next.  ’

‘  it’s the little things that keep us going. like violence.  ’

‘  some friends you see every day, and some friends you see when there’s blood in the air. you need both.  ’

‘  you either die a hero or live long enough to die from alzheimer’s.  ’

‘  roses are red, violets are blue, you can do whatever you want to me.  ’

‘  i used to think being intelligent was enough.  ’

‘  i don’t know what the fuck true love even is, but i do want to hang out with you for basically the rest of my life.  ’

‘  fake happiness beats genuine misery.  ’

‘  relationships work best if we are honest about not wanting to know the truth.  ’

‘  i’m pretty sure the mysterious depths of the ocean is a metaphor for this conversation. does it ever end?  ’

‘  everyone smiles at us, like we’re the cutest couple. let’s do something wrong.  ’

‘  at my worst, i worry you’ll realize you deserve better. at my best, i worry you won’t.  ’

‘  happiness is not a house where you can live.  ’

[xspringpearl]

LITTLE WOMEN SENTENCE STARTERS (from the louisa may alcott book, though with (possibly) some film variations thrown in the mix). Enjoy! 

“I’d rather take coffee than compliments just now.” 

“I like good strong words that mean something.” 

“I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship.” 

“ I’ve got the key to my castle in the air, but whether I can unlock the door remains to be seen.”

“It’s wicked to throw away so many good gifts because you can’t have the one you want.

“Love is a great beautifier.”

“ Watch and pray, dear, never get tired of trying, and never think it is impossible to conquer your fault.”

“Because they are mean is no reason why I should be. I hate such things, and though I think I’ve a right to be hurt, I don’t intend to show it.

“Let us be elegant or die!” 

“Don’t try to make me grow up before my time.” 

“Be comforted, dear soul! There is always light behind the clouds.”

“I’m not like the rest of you; I never made any plans about what I’d do when I grew up” 

“I am not afraid.” 

“I would be homesick for you even in Heaven” 

“I think she is growing up, and so begins to dream dreams, and have hopes and fears and fidgets, without knowing why or being able to explain them.”

“I wish I had no heart, it aches so.” 

“You’re an angel! How can I ever thank you?” 

“I could have been a great many things.” 

“If we are all alive ten years hence, let’s meet, and see how many of us have got our wishes, or how much nearer we are then than now.”

“I am lonely sometimes, but I dare say it’s good for me.” 

“ Books are always good company if you have the right sort.” 

“Talent isn’t genius, and no amount of energy can make it so. I want to be great, or nothing.” 

“I hate ordinary people!” 

“You have grown abominably lazy, and you like gossip, and waste time on frivolous things, you are contented to be petted and admired by silly people, instead of being loved and respected by wise ones.” 

“She’ll go and fall in love, and there’s an end of peace and fun, and cozy times together.” 

“I can’t help seeing that you are very lonely.”

“Sometimes there is a hungry look in your eyes that goes to my heart.” 

“Don’t cry so bitterly, but remember this day, and resolve with all your soul that you will never know another like it.”

“ If life is often so hard as this, I don’t see how we ever shall get through it…”

“ Well, I am happy, and I won’t fret, but it does seem as if the more one gets the more one wants…” 

“Don’t mind me. I’m as happy as a cricket here.”

“I think we are all hopelessly flawed.”

“ I almost wish I hadn’t any conscience, it’s so inconvenient.”

“Go and make yourself useful, since you are too big to be ornamental.”

“ I like adventures, and I’m going to find some.”

“Women work a good many miracles…”

“I’m perfectly miserable; but if you consider me presentable, I die happy.”

“November is the most disagreeable month in the whole year.” 

“I’ve loved you ever since I’ve known you [name]. I couldn’t help it.” 

“There, I’ve done my best. If that wont do, I shall have to wait till I can do better.”

[xspringpearl]

Emma Watson, Saoirse Ronan & Florence Pugh in ‘Little Women’ (2019).

[xspringpearl]

Instagram au ➤ Meg, Jo, Beth & Amy March

“I do think that families are the most beautiful things in all the world!”