xpathosx

[xpathosx]

Happy Birthday

I stare into the flames of neon pink and blue candles, Their warmth holding my face like a lover holds a lover when they feel like it's been forever since they've been together and so their bodies collide the way oxytocin explodes inside like fireworks in the middle of a summer. I miss the summer, but I don't, I just miss the feelings it brought me But not this summer nor last years either, maybe the one before the one before it, because even in recent summers was I sad. But I wasn't just sad. I was completely miserable. I say "was" as to use past tense because I don't feel anything anymore. I've become so depressed that I'm not, if that makes sense. I know it doesn't. Another year, another candle to the cake, another day, another cycle to the circle that's my life, another year of running in circles trying to find myself and find my soul and find where it all went wrong, another slice of cake, another plate, another slice on the wrist, another skipped meal, everything is the same. I'm not even sad because my life is an endless circle. I've gotten used to my misery so much that without it I don't know who I am. I'm not excited for my birthday anymore. And I don't want to be. But I want to want to be. Does that make sense? Of course it doesn't, at least not most. Maybe there's someone who understands, someone who speaks fluent in sadness, but to speak means that I can describe my feelings but I can't, honestly. I feel the way a paper looks after someone has scribblers on it with marker so aggressive that it's folded and torn and bent and black. Another birthday, another Christmas, another New Years, another easter, everything is the same, no mom I am not fine but I wouldn't dare to tell you because I don't want you to blame yourself for the way I've turned out. It isn't your fault. It isn't. I feel dizzy from running in circles and my feet hurt from standing in the same place for the past couple of years. I want to rest. Life is an race to the finish line, how many people will you meet? How many things will you see? How will you journey? I don't want to race. I never liked running, anyway. I want nothing more than to rest, to be swallows by the blankets of my bed and sleep, and maybe in my dreams I'll have the birthday party of a lifetime.

[xpathosx]

Somebody Perfect for You to Love

I can live without you But I wouldn't want to For you are my air In that you give me life My soul was created to love only you We fit together like the way our fingers intertwine perfectly Whether you're near or far, You're always in my heart Without this, I am but a lonely body But you make me feel like I am somebody Somebody perfect for you to love

[xpathosx]

Update!

Hey. Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I've just been going through a lot and I've also been very busy. I'll post again soon :)

[xpathosx]

Finding You

It is your words that cut through a hundred storms like a hot knife melting wax in a way that soothes your eyes and mind. You soothe me, you're a warm bath after a long day, you're a blanket in a cold basement, you're dark chocolate that melts into the tongue. You melt my heart in ways I'd never imagine, you bring me calm when calamity is all I'd know and without you, chemistry ceases to be, for there cannot exist love if there does not exist you or a soul like you; and without you cannot exist physics, gravity is nothing, because I'd fall for no one unless it's you; and without you cannot exist biology, because there's no point in living if you aren't by my side every step of the way. You're the kind of sweet that poets write about, you're the kind of kind that people strive to be, you're the kind of guy who's a combination of everything beautiful and everything soothing and everything free, and you're the kind of breathtaking view that artists dare not paint, because even they are too afraid they might not capture all of the beauty you possess. I've been wandering this icy path for years without a soul in sight, the bare trees would mock me as I walk, and my feet are as worn out as old shoes from an outdoorsy childhood, but the walk was worth it, the cold and bitter freezing air so sharp that it may cut you, almost speaking in its own way, this was fine, because after all I've been through just to reach the warm cottage with a fireplace that is you, I am happy. You are my happiness.

[xpathosx]

Everything I'll Do

My heart belongs to you and for you, I will swim through the oceans that scream and cry, and beg for ships and my poor skin to tear apart. For you, I will fight the creatures that hunt for my blood that have large teeth and scales or fur or claws or great stature or strength or maybe all of the above. And when I come to the sure I will, for you, grasp onto the sand and rise up, and in the blazing sun and incredibly hot ground, without shoes, I'll walk for miles. And when I reach a forest or jungle, for you, I'll sneak through it, I'll sleep on dirt, I'll bandage myself with leaves which may or may not be poisonous, I'll hide. I'll run. I'll trudge through even when there's animals that will stare at me and think and run at me and try to hunt me and that growl and roar and if I die, I'll die for you and I'll ask god myself, give me a second chance, so maybe I can do it over again and survive, but if I am to die a hundred times over, so long as I even see you, it's worth it. And maybe I'll have to trudge through dirt, quicksand, mud, gravel, bodies of water, snow, even tar, for you I will, and if I lose my legs I'll crawl through this all because that is the depth of what I would do for you. I'll go into caves, I'll climb the highest peaks, I'll fight until every touch stings because cuts paint my hands crimson. For you, I'll do it all, for you, I'll fall and for you, I'm falling for.

[xpathosx]

I took these photos when I visited Atticlán, Guatemala, on the balcony of a small restaurant above the water. I thought I'd share them.

[xpathosx]

Silently Sinking

I thought the words would pour out from my chapped lips like tears pour down my face when he tells me that he's happier with her and not me, but nothing would fall from my mouth, just terrified silence wrapping itself around my neck like a noose clings to a body, and I tried to speak and I tried to scream but the silence hurt me throat and hurt my head more than any amount of shrieks, and not even short whimpers and breaths would come out of the murky swamp, maybe they might pull out of this what could be left of me, but, no, I was sinking in mud, like death swallows a rabbit, and you were in her bed.

[xpathosx]

The Girl I Stare At

I see a face with wide eyes like she's fully awake But a slight glance down you'll find darker skin and lines And they'll tell you like words scream to a writer She hasn't slept in awhile. And her cheeks have soft freckles And maybe she'd say they're kinda cute But the freckles just remind her of that time in third grade Where the bullies on the playground would say "Freckles are ugly" So there's a dash of cheap dollar store foundation Stroked across her face As if the words that other people say Are something that you can just erase. And her eyebrow aren't the same, They're plucked too thin and asymmetrical Because her father told her on a Thursday night back from the local diner "Guys don't like bushy brows." So that evening she plucked out all her hairs Leaving her skin red and raw But she said to herself "Maybe boys will like me now." And her nose has fine lines in it Not wrinkle, but marks from her constantly digging into her skin with her nails Because she saw a commercial about blackheads being ugly So every day she digs info her skin And typically nothing is found But she doesn't stop until she sees something come out. And her lips are chapped because she fails to see Why she should moisturize them when she thinks no one will want to kiss her. Her eyelashes are scarce But that's because of her excessive use of eye lash extensions and glue and what not Because her sister said that's what pretty is. And she stares in a way that suggests she is sad Yet at the same time she's trying to brew a fake smile. Her hair is unkempt And her eyes say unhappy. I tried to tell her she's beautiful But I'm starting to get looked at funny for talking into a mirror.

[xpathosx]

Poison Candy Apple

Glazed with sweet caramel (you were the kindest and most sweet) and covered with nuts a little (sometimes a little crazy) You were a candy apple picked from the finest tree (the delicate taste of a sweet fruit who came from the sweetest family) I was a kid in a candy store (there are so many decisions I could’ve made but the feelings I felt for you refused to fade) and to you I ran, falling and scraping my knee (I fell for you hard) but at last I was close to you finally and “you’re mine” I thought (I really was in love with you) but my mother looked at me and said I suggest a different one for you to chose (they warned me, all of them, I should’ve known, I wish I listened to my family, now I’m alone and no one wants to help me because they think that this mistake I’ll repeat) but I held you (oh god I held you dear) and to lose you was my greatest fear (I never thought I’d lose you but I was wrong wasn’t I) I thought my grip was strong, no one could take you away if they tried, so pry, pry from me this candy apple covered in sweetness and a little nuts, (you were an oddball, kind, but strange, yet gentle, maybe sometimes a clutz) and when I took a bite of what I imagined heave would taste like, I closed my eyes and smiled in such exquisite delight (When I kissed you I was tricked) I bit and broke teeth, for then after that a smile I was unable to bequeath (I kissed you but you stopped kissing back, where did the sweetness go? Why did the flavor change? It kills me that I’ll never know) You had a secret ingredient (it ran in your veins), cyanide was the color of your eyes (you let it run through my brain) And the cyanide kicked and screamed into my head, making me feel like I’m the crazy one. But little did I know that there was something wrong, from you I never wanted to run. But I had to bandage my cuts and bruises were pushed aside, (I had do ask for help and eventually swallow my pride) And you left a scar inside me (like meteors wound the moon, leaving massive craters), if only I knew how much I was doomed Because my stomach hurt (and the butterflies died) and my head hurt (there was chaos inside) and my heart hurt (it should’ve burst, the pain I felt was the absolute worst) so I cried (and I told everyone that I was fine) and I lied (I lied to people I love) and I felt like I was dying inside (I was dying inside!) You poisoned me (with your fake love) like cyanide makes a body drop dead. And before I fell, anger stirred, I only saw crimson red You tricked me (and you lied) and you hurt me (and you cheated) and you made me feel completely worthless inside. And the pain. The unbearable pain. I felt like a bee flying through heavy rain. I fell and I fell fast. (I knew the sweetness wouldn’t last) and you’re just a poison candy apple (with a pretty face). I gave you my love. I gave you my time. I gave you my heart. What a waste.

[xpathosx]

What I Learned in a Year

The gods sang to me once my gaze laid upon your beauty, a melodious choir of elegance and charm. So once you turned your head like a cute-boy-sees-girl-drooling-over-him-cliche I felt blood rush instantly to my cheeks. I'm not one to fall in love, I think relationships are just a waste of time, money, and frankly no one likes me. I'm that one chick that everyone talks shit about but no one wants to tell it to her face. I don't get invited to parties. I'm just sort of there. But man, when I met you I felt like I wasn't nobody, I felt as if a voice had whispered in my ear, "this is your purpose." And a year later, what a wild ride it was. Now, even uttering your name gives my spine a chill, but not the good kind. Not a bad kind either, I don't know maybe I'm not completely over you. I should be. I know we met in April because my birthday had been nearby and one of my friends brought you to my party. It was OKAY I guess, but having you in my presence was the best present that day. I fell so quickly. I fell too quickly. And you did too. Or, I thought you did. And in the April showers we wound wait inside your house playing Super Smash Bros waiting for the May flowers and anticipating our new love to bloom. May came, as did our love like a barrage of gardens sprouting from a dead forest. I thought happiness was impossible until I met you. June was amazing as well, in fact that's when I first held your hand and told you that I'd loved you. You took it a platonic way, which I guess is fine, but man did I fall. It's as if I was possessed by someone who wasn't me. Because I knew you were an asshole. I knew it. I knew it but I pushed it off. I let the feeling of your skin pressed against mine without any clothes and the intertwining of our fingers scribble out the words that once lingered inside my brain that said "do not do this"; I thought a drink or two would be just fine; I thought that I was yours and you were mine but you never were, yet I still convince myself when I look in the mirror and a girl that I don't know stares back with bloodshot eyes and dark circles, "He'll be back", and I know he won't be but I don't want to know that, I want to forget everything, sometimes I just wanna drink until I hallucinate so that maybe not vomiting is my concern instead of "Who's that girl in his profile picture?"; I want it to end forever. In July we made sparks fly with the loud fireworks which made your dog go crazy and your mom to wake up, catching us kissing but too drunk to remember the next Wednesday morning. And in August I left someone who treated me like royalty for someone who wouldn't even love me unconditionally, no, you said you wanted my boobs bigger, you said you wanted my teeth whiter, you said you wanted my ass thicker, you said you wanted my stomach thinner, and you still said I love you in between all of it, but if you can't love all of me you don't love me at all. I'm not a mold of clay that you can just shape into any body form you want, I am who I am and I will not apologize for the cellulite on my thighs or the slight crookedness of my two front teeth, I will not lose weight unless I want to, I will not go under the knife just so you're content enough and can say "Okay, you went under the knife, now I will go under you." NO. THATS NOT HOW LOVE WORKS. And in September you got a new attitude. I know school just started and we're both stressed but it's as if I was talking to myself when I'd try to talk to you, I told you I was on the verge of climbing out a windowsill and plummeting to my death and you wouldn't even gather the energy to reply with more than four words. In October, Halloween was scary, sure, but so were you, you had a physical attitude. Play fighting got too rough. You gave me a fucking attitude when I said no to sex. YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO MY BODY, I AM A DAMN GODDESS AND I DESERVE BETTER. November came and I knew I wasn't thankful for you. I knew it. But still I loved you. WHY DID I LOVE YOU? December was the worst. I relapsed again but during the Christmas break you ignored me for two weeks for no reason at all. You spoke to this other girl who only wanted you for your penis instead of me. You didn't even get me anything. I was alone in the cold with no one to hold me as I shook because you were in the arms of someone else. The New Year came and I knew I wasn't kissing you. I knew you probably weren't interested. I still loved you. Or, maybe I just loved the old you. In the middle of January you told me we were too different, despite having dated me for six fucking months. You threw me away and exactly two days afterwards you were dating her. I don't think I ever cried so much in my life than when I cried that whole rest of the month. I rebounded but that fell apart fast. So I had two heartbeats on my shoulder. And then another one. February was the loneliest month. And the winds of march made me realize, I need to be strong, I can't do this, I NEED TO WAKE UP. I don't need someone's hand to pick me up from the rain puddles and mud from April's showers, I will get up my own damn self. I will pick my own flowers and decorate my hair with them. I will celebrate summer with people who love me, I don't need love to feel fireworks; happiness is its own Fourth of July show. I don't need kisses on the beach and I don't need someone to hold my books for me. I shouldn't be scared of my future and I should be thankful for those I do have. The cold will pick at you like razors cutting at skin, the new year doesn't mean a newfound happiness but it means a new start. Loneliness is just a bump in the road. I have to be strong. I HAVE TO BE STRONG. I don't need you to be strong, and I damn well don't need you to be happy.

[xpathosx]

Shared Loneliness

Is this wrong? It must be. I cannot sleep without the thought of his lips pressed against mine, the thought of holding his hand, the candor eyes staring back into my eyes, making me feel so fulfilled and content in the blithe abyss that was my crippling depression. He made it all go away. A question emerged into my mind as I stared at the clock with someone else's arms wrapped around my lonely body: "Is this wrong? It must be." I know he's gone, but never will I forget the way he made me feel, and so here I lay, using someone else's body pretending that it's him, pretending that everything is fine. I would give the world a million times over for a kiss from those soft lips, or for a hug from someone whom I'd labeled as my best friend, someone who I called my boyfriend, and someone whom I've fallen endlessly. God, I miss you.

[xpathosx]

Paper Cuts

I only know that the last time I without a doubt had soft, kissable, and hands inviting enough to hold was back in elementary when being a kid was a breeze, I mean, sure from time to time they’d be sticky from a little Elmer’s glue or some lollipops your teacher gave out on your birthday - or maybe from the candies that melted in your hand when you went down to the gym to make a gingerbread house out of a recycled chocolate milk carton - but the pretty blonde girl and the goofy kid with braces too big for his teeth, the boy who’d moved from far away and the mean girl who said you looked like a monkey, the kid who gave you some extra Legos at playtime when you had none and the kid who’s always being sent to the nurse, I mean, when it came down to it, the fire alarm went off and together we walked out hand in hand. Even if there was no emergency, people didn’t always avoid you. There’s always gonna be those individuals who are kept to themselves and that’s okay, because they didn’t necessarily have to hold your physical hand. They held you in their hearts when they helped you with that question on the homework that took you 20 minutes to even come close to figuring out, they held you when you asked if you could have a portion of their food, they held you when they complimented your typically messy hair - it’s like the world was a sea so full of salt that you were not just floating, you felt like you were flying. And when we walked in rows of two down the length of the gym and across the stage and “graduated”, everything seemed amazing. And then you woke up. Middle school was OKAY, I mean you were pretty awkward and you were awaken in the middle of a night by a beast called reality who clawed at your throat and made your choke in class out of anxiety when it was time to read, this beast roared and made your legs freeze when you stood in dodgeball getting pummeled - almost like the way the words they said would come at you… and they wouldn’t stop until you gave in - this beast told you that you’re unloved and weird, and be it best you stay alone. And often this beast would follow you, chained to your ankle as to weigh you down, so you tried to feed it and tame it to a pet. You named it Reality. Reality struck you like a train when you went to high school, growing stronger and bigger, so much that the shadow was twice as large as you were. You felt so tiny. And no one likes the darkness; everyone fears that shadow. So they stay contempt in their bubbles and phony lives and phony friends with fake hellos and smiles, but you weren’t blessed (or cursed) with such a solitude. You were forced to eat. You were forced to pray. You were forced to think that whom you were in love with would damn you to a place of suffering forever. You were forced to wear long sleeves. And it seemed like everyone around you was getting by with flying colors. Yet here you were in a corner of a yellow blackness. You graduated and got a job but the minimum wage wasn’t enough, and it’s like a machine gun firing into a war. The war never ends. The bullets never stopped. So I lay on the corner of seventh street in a filthy city watching those whom had a phony bubble protect them pass by on their phones. Reality still lives with me, following me everywhere I go. I'd pet it, maybe to tame, I don't know how to control this because I feel like I'm the only one who just hasn't grown up. I don't know. It's really hard to say what I mean. My hands no longer are soft and made for petting s soft puppy, the fur on the beast has become spikes, and my delicate fingers are already damaged from money's paper cuts and city street sidewalk burns. Reality is my only friend and my only enemy - I don't know but I feel like no one else see's it. Maybe my therapist is right. Maybe I am crazy.

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I made this. It took a lot but I think the effort was worth it. - Amanda

[xpathosx]

Silence

Some people say that the silence you hear is so deafening that being alone drives you to inanity and eventually death. Others say that loneliness is something that makes you go blind - all love is blocked from your vision and your fate succumbs to waking off a cliff from not being able to see everyone that surrounds you. If they were right then call me Helen Keller. Otherwise, I have all my limbs and organs, my eyesight isn't the best but I can hear just fine. I mean, I've been in the deafening silence of my loneliness my entire life, so maybe I'm immune to it. But for others, it hits you like a train, and the sudden change from everything being okay to complete chaos makes people do crazy shit like plunge a knife into their throat or shoot a bullet through their eye. Not me though. I've always been alone. It's what I'd be known for if anybody took the time to get to know me. I wonder sometimes if there's anybody out there like me. I can't tell what would hurt worse - knowing that there is or that there isn't.

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King of Dreams

Last night was one of the most wonderful experiences I have ever had. Had I died then, I'd have died with vehement happiness and joy in the arms of my favorite person, my best friend, my lover, and soul mate. The pending fear of your mom walking downstairs to find us together where I wasn't supposed to be made it that more intense. What we share is something stronger than chemistry that bonds atoms together because the composition of our love is the strongest element that ever there was or will be. Infinitely am I infatuated and utterly in love with you. Last night we'd stayed up until 4 AM in the basement with your arms folded close around me. Your breathing ever sic gently warming the nape of my neck, our legs intertwined. And I watched your eyes flutter and then shut. I swear I felt your heartbeat and I felt your breath, I felt your love still surrounding me and I felt warmth from whence I had been in the Arctic for so long. I always forgot how beautiful it feels to have strong hands carry your soul. I later, too, fell asleep and I dreamt of anything. I don't recall of what, but it didn't matter. An endless bliss is upon me. I swear your big blue eyes had looked into me, and I looked into you. Our fingers interlock ever so perfectly, it's as if fate itself crafted us to be together. Wonderful is all I can think of to describe you because even now, I can't string together the endless words our language has in the right order in order to explain how much I need you, How much I want you, And how much I love you.

[xpathosx]

Wonder

My mind always finds a way to wander back to you. 
Like a careful child, each small and steady step is unpredictable and falling feet make me trip back to the ground I rose from. 
You’re an ocean of wonder and I will always wander back to you, but what’s scary is I could be wandering off the edge of a cliff all for you. 
I wonder why I would wander

[xpathosx]

After the Rain

Superfluous clouds cry around me Do they weep of joy? I cannot tell. Tears are for the weak. I do not cry. I will not understand what difference is in the tears that fall from pain and the ones that fall composed of overwhelming happiness. I do not feel either. Not anymore, at least.