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unwanted feelings unearth inside of me

i try to cope but the pain is numbing 

like a dark storm it brews inside of me

unwanted memories churn behind my eyes

should i feel guilty for feeling them or should I accept my moods and give myself a good cry

i wish i could say i was sorry

i wish i knew why i said what i said 

and did what i did

but i am toxic

and unloving

and selfish

and it was evident i would one day fall out of love with you

these feelings arent feelings of nostalgia

rather burning regret

and ashes of it are all the remain

they seep into my eyes and ears 

i breathe them through my nose 

and it suffocates

blinds

deafens

i wish i knew if youve forgiven me

so that perhaps one day

i can forgive myself too

[xmxndxg-blog]

I feel like noone loves me

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And when the sun rises and sets, and you haven’t slept, who is it that’s been on your mind the whole time? Is it that love who’s not yet your lover? Is it that lover who you do not love? Or are you, one of the lucky few, who thinks of their love who loves them too?

//

(Photo is not mine)

[xmxndxg-blog]

e le me n ts

i am like the moon

i soak up the light of others 

but often I wane and wax out of existence tired 

i am like the sun

burning with passion endlessly

but often i am eclipsed by those that get in my way

and I struggle to breathe

i am like the stars

thoughts scattered and unfathomable just like every human

but often they come to light 

and i am left in awe

i am like the tides

kissing the shores and coming home every once in a while

but often there is a storm

and i cannot find peace

i am like the wind

restless and fickle

but i know the earth is my home

even if i don’t stay in one place too long

i am like fire

bonfires and forests

i give warmth but i do not know how to control my passion

and i destroy everything i touch

i am like the moon

even if i am not there i still exist and shine on the other side

[xmxndxg-blog]

24/3/2016 5:40pm //continued//

Okay back

Anyway like I was saying I NEED SOME MOTIVATION IN MY LIFE 

And I know motivation’s an unreliable hoe and what not but God knows I never cultivated discipline as a kid so it’s a little too late to bank on anything but inspiration rn  I feel like I’m heading in zero direction in my life and it’s scary how abnormally chill I am about it lmfao

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[xmxndxg-blog]

24/3/2016 5:40pm

cAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

The weather is so beautiful tbh and I haven’t written in ages and it’s so annoying because I used to write a lot and I loved it but I’ve been so out of touch with my poetic side as of late and it’s kind of frustrating me

Anyway, updates on my life

Im happy but also kinda sad sometimes but I think that’s okay bc I guess that’s how life’s supposed to be? 

Also I have my exams coming up and I feel SO incredibly unmotivated and I wish I could muster up some inspiration or whateverthefuck so that I //brb my boyfriend just texted me//

[xmxndxg-blog]

excerpt 2

  pacing around in a wooden cabin//lights flickering// fluorescent bulbs buzz through my ears

500$

breathe in dust and snowflakes. Set your alarm for 7:00am you have to submit an assignment

fingers shaking. Stomach growling. I think I forgot my lipstick in the midst of the chaos in my brainchild

what is happening?!who is he. why is he on top of me.

breathe in dust and snowflakes

i can feel my ears bleed. hold up baby I need to pee. Kiss your cracked bleeding lips while I taste the salt and rust and red off of them.

Pale. I’m so pale. Greyish dark circles shroud my eyes. Re apply lipstick. !Fuck, im hot.

Yellow piss. drink every drop of his cum. Water is for pussies

Im outside the super market. There’s a pony. There’s carnival music. nostalgia

Harder//

Faster//

Busted my knee pretty bad when I fell of mr.horsey

Oh god yes//

Don’t scream my name. it’s worth more.

I am so full//

You can taste yourself if you’re hungry(EATME)

Cigarettes while I suck your dick. don’t blame me if I cum on your pretty little face

Cigarettes while you suck my clitoris. dont blame me if you cant see when I squirt in your eye

Spit or swallow? Decisions, decisions.

Salty

like my tears

Kaching. Green always smells good.

4pm// 3hours left

One last pity fuck and you can go

Hey mom, oh nowhere, on a study group session//

Every snowflake is unique//my eyes are on fire//my brain is in zeus’ cock

REM.

[xmxndxg-blog]

B o d y A n a l o g y

MOUTH: shivering, taking in mist. lick your teeth, yellowish stained with coffee and tea dry cotton balls stuffed down adams apple who is adam prickly dry inhale mist//inhale death inhale ankles shackled to your grave BREATHE burning tongue//swallowing sewage saliva// ghosts hitting the back of your throat//bastardized LEGS: fidgeting. Walking around. Bleeding nail beds I walk away I walk to my reflection Feel your skin scrape off your soles Did you shave?no. I was busy ingesting sickness and lust Articifial movement I don’t know where to go are you lost !no but im getting there I shan’t spill anymore wine KNEES: doorknobs. Dark and wrinkled. Wobble to kingdom come. Pull yourself together don’t you know people can see you Feel them with my wrinkled fingertips Scabs are peeling off Stop. Don’t pluck it out. didn’t your mum tell you itd turn dark if you didnt let it heal? I have tree bark knees HANDS: earthquakes in my veins. hurricane heart pumping blood to the ends of my tiny fingers// bursts of current. I can feel scribbles in my tips. static everywhere. thin. Loose skin hanging. Did you exfoliate? no. I was too busy choking your demons for you Dead cells dead skin you must exfoliate. EARS: pop goes the weasel. Secrets wrapped around my ear drums. Be careful not to let them out they do not belong to you. Tiny artificial waves. I hear them. In the cave of my earlobe. tell me about your dog ill burn them into the back of my eyes  while they set my spleen on fire. youre not really hearing them silly its all at the back of your retina EYES: yellow white and blue streams. bulging. There’s a blackhole somewhere in between. dont stare to long you don’t want to get sucked in. You have to help your mum with the grocery today. Film of sweat on your eyeballs. Stop yawning so much it’s rude.    lick once lick twice. same taste. change your lipstick youll feel a lot more ordinary. Suck the flavour out. Dried wine on the corner of your lips. always make eye contact when you say cheers. CEREBRUM: no head. Celestial bodies growing infinitely. multiply eat your spaghetti. Share some with your friends. drugs ooze out from the opening of my ear and seep out of my eyes there are splinters in sections of my head it bleeds when its removed leave it alone. I didn’t know cough syrup tastes good. Heavy gum chewing. Go lie down on the floor. Its colder. Are you scared? no im too busy growing and watering universes in the spaces in my skull

[xmxndxg-blog]

I genuinely love to hear your thoughts

[xmxndxg-blog]

I don’t want to be sad anymore and I don’t know how to fix myself and there’s no one I can talk to

[xmxndxg-blog]

credits to softeunseo ♡ like the post