xcyberhex

[xcyberhex]

Seriously its only been a day and its still bugging me.

I was on the phone with her a couple of hours ago and she talked about the fact, that he kept messaging her and not the other way around, which it its fine but why wont he reply to my stories? I post all of them so he will message me.

It bugs me, that he never jokes around with me like that

Or shows me no interest at all

Like im just the fat best friend

Which i guess i am

But im trying to better myself, which nobody acknowledges at all

Why doesnt anybody see, that im trying to better myself?

Im trying to manipulate her into telling him what her type is, or at least put it in her close friends story

She literally told me, that she thinks that he looks homeless, WHICH IS LITERALLY MY TYPE???? LIKE WHAT????

Genuinely im so annoyed at her because of it.

Ive told her like 3 times that i have matched with him on tinder, yet she chooses to ignore it.

She thinks, that he only messages her, because she’s his favorite cashier but that’s so not the reason as to why he messages her.

Ive told her so many damn times, that he is attracted to her but she wont acknowledge it

Fucking hell im so annoyed at this.

Why wont a guy show me interest like that?

What’s wrong with me?

I genuinely dont get it

Every single time im into a guy he is either married or has interest in my friends

I can’t do this anymore i really think, that im unlovable

I dont even get how a guy which has genuinely started talking to her a week ago calls her mommy

Im so damn jealous i get so mad at her for the littlest things, which im sorry about but I can’t do anything about that

I try so hard but I can’t

We keep sending each other TikTok’s, on how we aren’t like the other girls trying to sabotage each other for the littlest things or even talk behind eachothers back but i feel bad about it

So damn bad

I feel like a bad friend because of it

Like we do everything together and i get mad about a guy

This isn’t what friendship is about but i keep feeling sorry for myself because of situations like this.

I also dont want to talk to her about it, which is bad because friendship is about communication but that’s the only thing im not doing

Instead im hating on her because of something she cant control

Fucking hell

I feel like crying and throwing up.

Thursday 24th October 2024

[xcyberhex]

Im not sure if im over exaggerating or not.

Theres this guy which i really liked, even matched with him on tinder n stuff, never messaged me back though.

He‘s a regular at our store, which means S also met him and talked to him etc. which isn’t a bad thing or anything.

I found his social media through his friend, which S likes a lot and also found him by accident as far as i know.

The thing that annoys me so much is the fact, that he keeps messaging her, talks to her and barely talks to me, even when he‘s at my register.

Like is the only reason, that he doesnt talk to me unless i message first, the fact, that im fat?

That im not as small and petite like she is?

That im not as pretty as she is?

I dont get it

Men never pay me attention, no matter how close we are, and if i show them, that i like them.

Somehow someone always gets in the way.

It’s so fucking insulting.

Every time she gets an instagram notification i feel like crying and throwing up, because i know that P is messaging her, instead of me.

How can you match with me on tinder but wont show me any interest the second you see me?

Am i that ugly?

Am i that unlikable?

Im really trying my best at all times, yet my effort doesnt seem to make a difference.

Since this has been happening, ive been so mad at her for no reason.

I get it, she can’t control it but why isn’t he messaging me?

Am i no fun?

These types of situations make me hate her.

I already told her, that it seems like he is interested in her cus he asks her the weirdest questions.

Why isn’t he matching me with the same energy as when he is talking to her?

Literally makes me so mad.

I know, I shouldn’t be jealous towards my best friend but I can’t stop but resent her because of things like this.

Wednesday 24rd October

[xcyberhex]

well so far nothing really has happened in my life which is quite boring.

i started uni with s and i got a new kitten from her, which my parents weirdly allowed me to get.

i do feel like, they like him more than they like my sister and i lol and im not joking.

ive started watching supernatural again, which i do enjoy.

my goal in life is to get a chevy impala 67, which i can only get when i finish my degree and my drivers license.

i should study for it asap.

i so have to pay the registration fee by myself which is about 400ish euros, and as a student and on a not even part time salary this is hard.

especially when i still have about 600 euros debt.

ill pay it off in 2-3ish months so this will be fine.

monday 14th october 2024

[xcyberhex]

well hello, nothing happened. again.

idk how my life can be this boring istg i dont get it.

went to work again, came home and cleaned up a litttle and went to the gym.

gym was okay idk why, eventhough we were supposed to do cardio but then did arms instead lol.

ive been trying to get into the vc where the streamer im currently watching is in but its full and nobody is planning on leaving any time soon, especially since there is another person also waiting to join.

he has his cam on, which i desperately want to see. might be a little crush, could also be because i relate a lot to him and he seems like such a nice person.

of course not everybody who you see on the internet is a good person, but i do feel like he genuinely is one, since he shares so much of his life and his experiences which he has had over the years.

i dunno.

i just hope that 2 people will leave, so i can finally join and talk to him, and not just because he is famous.

im going to cologne tomorrow with my sister and eventually her friend.

only reason is because im planning on buying the hello kitty cup at starbucks.

idk. ill just update whenever. maybe tomorrow? well, today???

who knows at this point, maybe ill get into the damn voice chat cus im curious to know what hes like outside of the streams but like in private-ish, eventhough he wont be 100% open and talk about everything.

see ya.

wednesday 18th september 2024

[xcyberhex]

well, guers

well, guess who decided to show up after saying ‚this is going to be smth like my diary‘

but to be fair, not a lot has happened since then, ive been going to work like a slave, like 3-4 times a week.

nothing happened with b since i found out, that he was only trying to get A in bed, yet they still hang out a lot.

i started going to the gym, ive been going for like a month now, ofc we took a lot of breaks but that doesnt change the fact that ive lost abt 10ish kg.

i started watching twitch again, since uni hasnt started yet and im bored out of my mind doing nothing all day long.

the people are nice, the streamer is someone who ive been watching on youtube and tiktok for a while.

i didnt know, that his streams were that good, and that the people in his stream are that nice,

yet i do feel kind of odd when joining the vc on discord.

i joined after being scared for like 2ish hours not knowing if i should join or not.

after i mustered the courage to actually join, they left after like 10ish minutes, maybe less since theyve gotten tired and 2 of the people, including the streamer actually being asleep in the vc.

i do like the vibes, theyve given me courage to talk to my colleague, because she yelled at me for no reason.

at least thats what i still think, even after we‘ve talked about it.

she admitted, that she was wrong to yell at me, eventhough ive done nothing so far, the only thing i did was complain about me having to go to register 1, after telling her in how much pain i get from being there and actually having painful headaches.

glad we could talk about it like adults, but i still feel very odd about this happening and her lowkey apologizing but also trying to argue, as to why she was yelling at me in the first place. whatever.

let bygones be bygones.

i have nothing else to write tbh i dont know what i should talk about,

nevertheless, im glad, that i could get it out.

tuesday, 17th september 2024

[xcyberhex]

not much happened today tbh…

just went to work like usual, shouldve gotten paid but i didnt cus they didnt have enough in the safe, whatever.

this is the first time in like 2ish weeks that i havent been outside at night which does surprise me a little.

still dont know how im supposed to get closer to BV, but i think ill find a way, or ill just talk more to A.

L thinks, that my coworker A has a crush on me, thats why he keeps talking about me at work to everyone.

i dont mind him talking about me, the issue is, that he talks shit behind my back to everyone wholl listen.

why does anyone even give him a chance to talk about me? like for what reason? i dont even do anything.

still have to type out the shit test the uni gave to me, so that theyd accept me.

whatever, ill get in anyways.

still weird, that nothing has happened today.

tue, 30. jul. 2024

[xcyberhex]

[xcyberhex]

Pensarti mi fa bagnare

[xcyberhex]

[xcyberhex]

O amor não machuca, não agride! O amor cura, o amor liberta. PH

[xcyberhex]

was i gone? yes

is this going to be my diary? absolutely.

[xcyberhex]

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