xawolfinsheepsclothingx - Tumblr blog

[xawolfinsheepsclothingx]

Hello,

As many of you know, im on a waiting list to get on disability due to my declining physical health. Because of this im unable to afford rent anywhere. My dad and step mom have made an agreement with me that if i can get a trailer/camper (preferably something with a kitchenette) I can live on their property. Unfortunately trailers are rather expensive so as much as I hate to ask for help, I gotta do what I gotta do as the other option is being homeless and couch surfing. I know money is tight for everyone this year but if you can kick anything this direction or even just share it with your friends and have them share it etc it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance, I REALLY hate having to ask for help but I do appreciate any and all that can be given at this time.

-Lennyx

[xawolfinsheepsclothingx]

"You have to kill the person you were meant to be in order to become the person you want to be."-Rocket Man. Well I killed the person I was meant to be four months ago when I moved out of a situation that was physically, mentally, emotionally and creativily killing me. I moved to save my self but instead ended up killing myself in a different way. And that's okay. Except I don't know who I want to be. I wasn't even sure who I was SUPPOSED to be at the time of my aftermentioned selves death. So now I'm just flailing with no direction. I know, "Directions just the way you point". But still. some direction would be really fucking nice right now.

There's so much anger and hate and fear in the world right now. I want to help fix it but I don't even know where to start. I voulenteered up in CHOP and that was the most fulfilling thing I've ever done. But it's over now, and I don't know what to do. I don't even know how I feel about it being over beyond heartbroken. I haven't processed what all happened. All I know is that I want to keep doing stuff like that. I just don't k ow how.

[xawolfinsheepsclothingx]

Stoned Ramblings of Existential Dread

I feel like my life is nothing more than a series of random unrelated events. That nothing really matters, and if nothing really matters than what's the point? I feel like I'm grasping at straws to hold on to reality... I just got a new job and I thought it'd make me feel happy and more independent. But I just feel empty.

Maybe it isn't that I feel empty, but I feel alone. I don't have anyone to share my excitement with. I do but he's been busy, and that's okay. But maybe I don't feel empty, maybe I just feel lonely. I love being alone, but goddess I hate being lonely. I've had someone to share in all my excitement with for the past 5 years. They weren't the best people, but there was always someone around. This is new and I don't like it. And I think it sucks more because there's someone I /want/ to share it with but...

Do you ever feel like a snowflake that's just landed on a fresh drift? It's like you blend in the crowd and make no difference. No one sees you. No one cares that you're there. And why would they? One flake in a drift of many doesn't make a difference. It goes back to the statement earlier; if nothing really matters then what's the point?

The only time I've felt truly alive in years, was today when my friend was teaching me self defense moves. Getting physical in a nonsexual, and productive way with another person felt like I was being lifted into the sky...even when I was being dropped to the ground. But now that's over and I feel dead inside again. And in pain. So much pain. Worth it though.

I'm tired of feeling empty and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do. I've tried therapy, meds, writing, religion, even drugs. I don't know what else to do. I hide it from everyone, even that one really important person in my life though not if he reads this, because I don't want anyone to worry. To have to take care of me. Because taking care of everyone is my job. I'm not the one that gets taken care of not even as a kid. I'm The Mom friend. I'm the mother hen. But I need someone to help take care of me too. I'm one person I can't do it all.

[xawolfinsheepsclothingx]

It's really hard to wrap my head around the fact that the most consistent thing I have in my life is also the most inconsistent. That doesn't even make sense but it's true.

[xawolfinsheepsclothingx]

I've fallen in love with you despite having never met you in person. Head over heels crazy in love with you over the course of 9 years. I don't know that we'll ever have more than what we do now. But I know that I can't live without you in my life to some capacity anymore. The months that sometimes go by without talking to you are like torture. I understand them and I don't hold them against you, but gods I hate them. Direction may just be a way we point and I know perfection never works out right, but everything seems to fit together as perfectly as they can when were talking. I love you so much and I don't even know you.

[xawolfinsheepsclothingx]

As a Die Hard CATs:The Musical Fan:

Over all CATs: The Movie was a tad painful but cute. My thoughts are as follows:

I have been made minorly uncomfortable by Jenny eny dots and the over sexualization of that number

This CGI hurts

What the fuck did they do to Mr Mistofolies?!?!

They messed up Rum Tum Tuggers song

I'll accept the twins costuming but what they did to the song is WRONG. The pace is wrong. It's bad. I don't like it.

I do like McCavity

Ian McKellen (spelling??) Is perfect as Gus

Do we really need the intermission number in the movie? It was only there for INTERMISSION on a BROADWAY MUSICAL

Gus is the best part

I just have to keep reminding myself this has passed through at LEAST 2 people who were on heavy doses of drugs before it got to my screen. That makes it better. (Seriously both TS Elliot and Andrew Lloyd Webber were on some heavy shit)

I do believe in Fairies, I do! I do!

I might like this version of Memories better......

I have complex feelings about Judi Dench being Dueteronomy.

I laugh that people keep trying to give plot to an old collection of TS Elliot nonsensical poems. (Don't get me wrong A; they're my favorite collection of poems and B: the Broadway musical is one of my favorites but like there's no plot and it's funny to me that people keep giving it one)

The new song is sweet, weird and I dunno how I really feel about it, but sweet.

And because I can't stress this enough: WHAT DID THEY DO TO MISTOFOLIES? MY POOR BABY!!!!

[xawolfinsheepsclothingx]

I Come From Strength

I am from illnesses and loss

From “I’m sorry ma’am your child may not make it” to “You’re a medical marvel, you shouldn’t be alive”

I am from childhood abuse, and teenage molestation.

From eating disorders and PTSD.

I am from daddy’s murder and uncle Bear’s suicide.

From memory suppression and angry outbursts.

I am from “I’m going to tan your hide” to “No one is going to believe you”.

I am from flashbacks and nightmares.

I am from pain and suffering.

…

But I am also from love.

I am from a mother’s love.

From Grandma Beth’s hugs to Grandpa Dave’s motorcycle.

From homemade baked mac and cheese with generic ingredients.

From full bellies and laughter.

From healing words.

I am from old books and much older ways. 

I am from the Goddess and from the God.

From balance between light and dark.

So yes, I am from pain, suffering, darkness and decay.

But I am also from love, laughter and light.

I will rise from the ashes of my past as a Phoenix rises from death.

I will rise from the ashes and be able to say;

“I come from strength”

—

I wrote this back in September 2017 for a college English 101 project. It was kept anonymous while up on the wall. No one knew that this was my story. May is an incredibly hard month for me. With the state lockdown its harder to avoid thinking about everything that May reminds me of. My step dad’s murder, my uncles suicide, and so much more. I wanted to post this because it forced me to re-read it. It forced me to remind myself that YES I’ve gone through hell and back, but I’m here and I’m stronger for it. 

[xawolfinsheepsclothingx]

The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn is Just to Love and Be Loved in Return.

I write a lot about love for someone who's only ever felt it for pixels on a screen. But I hope he knows that doesn't make it any less real.

[xawolfinsheepsclothingx]

[xawolfinsheepsclothingx]

You.

You know how I know I love You? Because I've never even met you in person, and yet I have no trouble bearing my soul to you every chance I get. I know I love You because I don't feel like I have to hide any of who or what I am when I talk to you. You know me better than anyone in the entire world. I'm more honest with you than I've ever been with anyone else.

I don't know why it took me 9 years to see that it's always been You. But I hope you know how incredibly loyal I am to you. Loyal to a fault probably. I'd follow you until the end of the world if it meant if get to keep you near to me.

How is it that two people can be so far away from one another yet love each other so whole heartedly? You make me believe in silly things like soulmates because their exsistence is the only explaination that makes any sense to how I can love you so much, yet have never set eyes on you.

I know I'm an intense person. I know I can be a bit much and overly clingy sometimes. I don't mean to be, I just love you so much... I don't want to lose you my love. I'm sorry if I'm too much sometimes.

I just hope you know that I love you, that I think you're the most amazing person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, and that every word of what I've said has been true.

Love always

Your Baby Girl

[xawolfinsheepsclothingx]

I get Stoned and I Write

Scrolling through my Tumblr and realizing that nearly every post is something I wrote stoned. The long sweet mushy text I sent to my beloved was done stoned. I get stoned and I get really emotionally driven, and so I write.

I write about being angry. I write about being sad. I write for love. I write a lot about love. I write my thoughts as they run from my finger tips like smoke through trees. I wrote to work through whatever big emotion I'm dealing with at that moment. Wether its one I already listed, or feelings of loyalty and dedication like my last post. Or feelings of realization like this post. I get stoned and I reflect.

Writing while I'm high is like a do of meditation. It allows me to get my thoughts out clearly and concisely without much thought of consequences for my words or issues with stuttering. Writing allows me to say something exactly how I want to say it and have it come out how I mean it to come out.

Words are but mere play things for me to manipulate in my fingers for my own amusement. Yours too if you read them I suppose. Right now my thoughts keep circling back to You, you know who You are, and my feelings of absolute dedication. Maybe I'm silly, maybe I'm stupid for it. But I promise You'll never find another as loyal as me.

This is my second entry in less than 30 minutes. Maybe I'll write another later. I dunno. I'm really stoned and just giving my hands and mind something to do since You're busy studying. I'm so proud of you, if you read this I hope you know how I proud I am of you.

[xawolfinsheepsclothingx]

A Letter for My Love

I was never in love with Him, or any of them.

They simply filled my time.

I have always been in love with YOU.

You who I've never met in person.

Yet you always make me feel like I'm the only other person in the world.

Maybe it's that the world is topsy turvy.

Maybe it's this most recent bout of us not talking.

Maybe I just don't want to lose you.

But I want you to be in my life as a way more permanent fixture.

You are beautiful. Inside and out.

You own a piece of my heart in a way noone will ever be capable of.

If you want it, that tiny piece can easily become the whole thing.

I'm yours for the taking, so take me my love.

[xawolfinsheepsclothingx]

But being bipolar 1 it seems to be impossible to find someone patient enough to do these things with me.

[xawolfinsheepsclothingx]

[xawolfinsheepsclothingx]

Self Discovery

I think I'm bi-romantic and hetrosexual. A woman that I adore asked me if I wanted to have sex a few weeks ago and I said yes, but we haven't done anything yet. I keep thinking about why. It's not that I'm not attracted to her or that I don't like her. I just don't find pussy appealing. Not the way I do with dick. That and the last person I tried to get close to fucked me up in the head pretty bad with the "I love talking to you" and "I can't wait to spend time with you" almost every day and then wham-bam-thank you ma'am and never speaking to me again.

I think the combination of not finding lady bits appealing, or even the thought of another lady touching my bits appealing, and being humped and dumped has kinda sworn me off of sex for a while. Especially with anyone new. But I don't know how to tell her that without hurting her and possibly causing problems. She's my housemate so it could make things weird, but I don't want to lead her on.

I don't really know what to do. I don't do well with conflict, I don't like the idea of hurting people. Especially people I'm close with. Maybe I'll just have her read this. I hope she'll understand that she hasn't done anything wrong. It really isn't her it's me and that constant evolving thing known as my lack of self Identity that I'm still trying to figure out.

[xawolfinsheepsclothingx]

“If only my heart were stone.” -

Cormac McCarthy, The Road

[xawolfinsheepsclothingx]

“I’ve wanted to kill myself a hundred times, but somehow I am still in love with life” -

Voltaire, Candide