x1s7z8 - Tumblr blog

[x1s7z8]

(yap)

the crazy thing is being “dead” scares me beyond anything else. it feels like such a lonely, solitary thing, and yet its the one thing all life has in common. coming to an end.

no matter what we do, what we eat, how happy or how sad we are, how fulfilled or unfulfilled we are, and no matter what we experience, we die all the same and return to the soil. id like to believe maybe the religions are true, or maybe we have souls that live on, or maybe bits of our consciousness find themselves in the cells of our descendants. i really would. i cant though. i cant shake the anxious pit in my stomach that keeps telling me that when it’s done, it’s done. that i could be taken early. that there is no afterlife. that it doesnt matter how hard i want to keep going and experiencing, it will stop. i wont exist. thats what truly scares me.

you know, a hell would be comforting compared to not existing at all. i would give anything for there to be an eternal afterlife. im jealous of people who truly know theyll live on. they have a comfort i dont think ill ever find.

im scared to be lost to time. forgotten as my friends and family move past mourning. then when they die, no one will know what i was like. who i really was. i wont exist. and maybe thats just selfish human nature making me think that i should get to live on when all the other countless people felt the same fear i do and yet theyre in the ground. maybe thats too much to ask. but i just want to live. i want to live and experience. i dont want it to ever end. id rather live in eternal suffering than not live at all. i love life and yet i feel like its the most limited thing ill ever have.

you spend all your life learning, acquiring, building, loving, grieving, collecting memories, understanding people, raising pets, making a home, and it all ceases to exist the moment you do. you could say “well, not really. people will know even after you die”, but they wont truly know. we’re all the same. and im scared to lose life. the life i love so dearly.

[x1s7z8]

update (nother yap)

(previous post gives context)

i told him i loved him again. this time i was honest. completely honest. i told him i really loved him. that i missed him. i told him i was trans. he said that the other guy was not someone he was interested in, and only saw him as a friend. that he wasnt sexually into me but he can still love me. he told me he isnt thinking of anyone romantically because hes in a depressive loop. i told him it was okay. that i didnt expect him to be attracted to me. hes gay, and i dont have what he needs.

i can only offer him my soul, since my body isnt what he wants. i was okay with that. he told me i was just as much of an option to him as his friend. that he would try with me. i cant word properly the feeling that those words gave me. all i can say is i felt accepted.

i feel like the word “accepted” is overused in the lgbtq group. i dont mean it in a “accepted as my identity.” i mean it as “it felt like i, as a whole, was accepted.” my feelings, my thoughts, my love, my being. it felt okay again. it felt okay to love him again. it felt okay.

[x1s7z8]

im just gonna yap

idk if anyone will read this, and ill probably delete it later fr

i like a gay (cis) guy; i am a gay (trans) guy

he doesnt know im trans, and i know he doesnt like me, but we’re friends, and now someone else is in his life and they mutually like each other.

its very complicated. i think part of me hates him, while another part desperately loves him. he has a lot of flaws, and so do i. i know a relationship would never work with him. he tends to imitate me..? or, kind of copy things i say i do. i dont know if its intentional, and i dont plan on asking him about it. we used to argue a lot, and we still kind of do, despite me trying to avoid it more now. i think i resent him.

doesnt sound too bright, i know. we have been friends for a little over a year now. we met on a friend finding app, and then we formed a group chat where we would talk with my two other friends. he lives about two to three hours away. he didnt really have any friends when we met since he had just recently moved to a neighbouring city from Vancouver. i dont know when i started to like him. “oh you like someone you haven’t even met yet?” unfortunately, yeah. that wasnt the plan. you cant blame me for liking personality over appearance. it sounds ridiculous. i know. it really does.

i was simply looking for people who were interested in the same topic i was - typology. i had recently gotten into cognitive functions and psychology, and i wanted people to discuss and share my ideas with. thats what we were for a month. then we just became friends. always talking and playing games. always debating. i usually won, not to brag, but thats something to keep in mind when i get to how he behaves in the present.

i wasnt healthy then. im not exactly healthy now, but i was worse then. more insecure, argumentative, defensive. i was more judgmental. i hated being trans, and i hated being gay and trans at the same time. im still touchy about it, but i think im more comfortable now. they didnt know. one of them still doesnt know im gay. none of them know im trans. ive contemplated telling them, but theyve asked me before, and ive said no. itd be awkward to finally tell them, even if they suspect it.

for some reason, after a month or two, hed always flirt jokingly at me. you know, how some people are with friends. its funny. maybe thats why i started liking him, who knows. i sure dont. i always knew he was bi/gay because he told us from the start. id flirt back in a joking manner as to not be weird. i never really realized it, but he only did it with me.

i eventually told him i was gay, and that i didnt want him to tell anyone, since i had already told them i was straight and i had heard some iffy jokes. he said it was fine and asked me my type. i told him. then he told me his. i wasnt his type, but he was mine.

a few months later, i told him i liked him. i told him, “even when i was being mean i liked you”. thats not all i said but yk. i had wanted to tell him for a while. he told me “im a fan of friends to lovers”. i found that funny. he asked if i still liked him, and i said “maybe a little”. he said i hurt his feelings, but in a joking manner.

we then played a game we really liked, and he called us love birds. i knew we weren’t going to date or anything, but it felt really nice. at least for a night i could like him without feeling ashamed about it. i still held some resentment but it felt good letting it go away for a night. then everything went back to normal a week or a little over a week later. we debated more. played games. maybe argued some as a group.

then a couple months later we had a big argument. went silent for a few weeks, made up. then a month later the same thing happened, and we made up again. then another few months later we argued, and he was contemplating on getting rid of us. the group.

i was hearing this in the middle of class, after waiting a week or three for him to answer my message. i didnt know why it was so heartbreaking to hear. i didnt know why it hurt, since i resented him. i was sitting in class, staring out the window, and wondering why i wanted to beg him to stay. why i was so upset, and why i missed him so much. i knew why, but i didnt.

we make up again. all is well. then another argument two more months later. this time, it was me contemplating leaving. except i didnt contemplate it. i did it. i got rid of them. on nearly everything. i had issues, and they were ruining my friendships.

i was fine the first week. fine the second. then i started missing him again. why?? after all that, did i still miss him? why was i attached to this guy??? why did i want to tell him how much i missed him and im sorry? well, i did. it didnt really matter why, just that i did. and so i told him on the game we used to love to play so much.

he eventually found the message. he talked to me. i was anxious to even check what he said. then we made up again.

a month goes by. im sure hes already forgotten what i had told him. that i liked him. it was fine though. i was content that we could be friends. he became more argumentative though. im sure it was just the stress, but he got unhealthy. he still is. i think i had become healthier before the last two big arguments. the break from him seemed to make me healthier. i didnt really care though. he had made new friends many many months before now. we were happy for him. i had been giving him as much advice as i could. i wanted to meet his friends but he kept saying no. that was fine. i didnt pressure him.

he eventually told me and my friend that someone liked him. someone who was his type. someone who lived close to him. that they had kissed and talked about dating when hes less stressed. i told him i was happy for him. i told him i hope things go well. i told him to do what felt right. why would i ever say anything different? i mean, hes a gay amab guy. he just got told someone his type likes him, and theyre another amab guy.

i had known there was no chance for me from the start. hes gay. he wants someone who has the body of a dude. i dont have one. im not going to put pressure on him. if i had ever asked him out i would have to mention im trans, and i know hes not attracted to that. its fine. he doesnt need to be. even if i wasnt trans, there were all the other issues we had. the arguments. the resentment we both had. the odd “copy-cat” thing he has going on w me that i havent even talked about yet.

despite knowing it would never work, despite knowing he wouldnt want me, and that he doesnt like me, it was still heartbreaking. you know? its one thing liking someone while theyre single and your friend, but its another to like them while they get into a relationship. i dont know. i felt sick and anxious. a deep pit feeling in my abdomen. i love him and i hate him, and it hurts seeing him love someone else.

he used to hangout with us so much. hed play games every night, we’d watch movies, we’d have long early morning conversations. he mentioned that, since i struggle waking up in the morning, if we ever lived together for university, he’d wake me up and drag my lazy a*s out of bed. i don’t think he remembers that, but i do. now he only hangs out with his new friends. every night. when we finally get time with him, its cut short because hes hanging out with his friends. i found out yesterday hes even hanging out with them while he hangs out with us.

maybe im being selfish, like he says. maybe i wasnt clear enough when i told him i liked him. maybe hes just forgotten. or maybe he just doesnt care. i dont expect him to care. its okay. i dont blame him. i know. i just wanted to whine somewhere other than my writing app.

i wish his jokes werent jokes. i was still kinda hoping that when we got to the same university, maybe things would have been different.

anyhow. big yap. i like this song