wtfjh

[wtfjh]

I humanized the Magic School Bus, since it’s Ms Frizzle’s TARDIS equivalent! I mean, she IS a Timelord right? And the cliche of overused references ensued!

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I haven’t shown you guys our cat yet. Meet lemon, in the sink.

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my "oh fuck i am derek hale" moment

it was a fanfic moment, not a show moment, so at least there’s that

niq and i are writing a universe called WTFJH where, approximately, when stiles was about to go away to college he took a shot at derek and derek shot him down and told him to grow up, and uh, kind of broke stiles’s heart, but then everyone moved on and did other stuff and there was a distinct lack of pining. stiles dated other people, derek dated other people, stiles ended up in committed queer poly thingness in grad school, derek tried to marry someone and ended up naked in chris argent’s SUV at one point, and it’s been like five years since they’ve talked to each other when stiles calls derek out of the blue for urgent, immediate advice on a troll problem, and then hangs up to deal with it and doesn’t answer derek’s follow-up calls, so derek ends up driving out to make sure he’s not dead, and meets stiles’s boyfriend drew. drew is awesome and very laidback about weird shit happening, which is good, because you know, living with stiles. somehow derek ends up sort of kind of FAILING AT WORDS BECAUSE HE’S DEREK dating both of them, which confuses him more than anyone else.

but so, in one part of this story he’s explaining the thing with Heather (the woman who did not marry him) to Stiles, because Chris Argent is an asshat and also sort of Derek’s friend, but kind of a failcakes stalkery friend (which is you know, right up Derek’s alley), so he made vague threatening remarks at stiles about not hurting derek because a mopey alpha is just a pain to watch, and stiles was pretty confused. I have like 2/3 of this part of the story written so it’s bugging me I can’t just post it to explain this thing but it’s not done, it’s not getting done tonight, so—

Derek is explaining the convergence of failcakes that was his proposal to Heather. She was considering taking an out of town job, he told her he was a werewolf because he knew he had to do it before he proposed, and uh, you know frankly Heather reacted pretty reasonably to be like “I’ma have to think about this” and kick him out for a week. And then she thought about it and said no, partly because it wigged her the fuck out that she hadn’t known he was keeping a secret of that magnitude (like if she’d known he was keeping a secret just not what it was that might have been different?) partly because no really, out of town job offer she actually wanted, why did you try to make that choice harder Derek, why. But like, as he’s telling stiles about it, derek mentions he still has the ring

and stiles kind of facepalms at him because really derek, but he goes on, because he assumes derek has it in like a drawer in his house somewhere

and then derek asks if he wants to see it

because in fact it’s been in the bottom of derek’s wallet for over a year

it’s not like he gets it out and looks at it a lot? or ever? it’s more he couldn’t figure out what to do with it and like, he wasn’t angry at Heather, he didn’t want to get rid of it to get over her or something, but it’s just. there. and it’s worn a smooth, stretched place in the leather. and.

drew gets home as stiles is looking at the thing going wow wtf dude. this is before derek’s officially dating them because he fails at words and also he was trying to explain his relationship history of fail to get stiles to understand why it was a terrible idea to consider dating him, so drew’s amiable snark about things getting serious fast, well. drew is the best.

anyway stiles thinks derek totally one hundred percent needs to get rid of the thing and is pitching everything from pawn shop to epic LOTR quest and, yeah. I happen to know where derek eventually gets rid of it, but i’ll save SOMETHING for when i actually post the story, okay?

—-

so anyway my job is dickwad, i can’t really talk about in public but suffice to say I am severely overdue a promotion and a raise and not likely to get either anytime soon. in the course of telling niqaeli about the latest dickwaddery at work, I went over to my purse to get out an illustration—company logo pin, which they give out for like, meritorious service or something—i told her i felt like they were giving me trinkets to keep me hanging on. Then i put the pin back in my purse and

A WHOLE FIVE MINUTES LATER GOT BACK UP to get the thing out again going help fuck my life I am Derek Hale I HAVE TO GET RID OF THIS THING HELP

it took me that long to realize

NOT TO MENTION I WAS CARRYING THE THING AROUND IN MY PURSE IN THE FIRST PLACE

it’s back in my purse by the way because I can’t think where else to stash it until next week when I have the opportunity to CHUCK IT IN THE PACIFIC

that is my plan, by the way.

but i keep going why is it still in my purse what is my life WHY AM I DEREK HALE

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[wtfjh]

Booboo Stewart and Quentin Lee on Hawaii News Now discussing the Hawaii premiere of White Frog.

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hmmm query

So, if two authors are working on a series together, how do we post it to AO3 so that we can both post to the series/edit the series etc? Do we need to mark all the stories co-authored to be able to do that?

Relatedly, I reposted werewolf-induced cuddle trauma to AO3 because it seemed relevant now that niq's put up Sleeping Arrangements.

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wtfjh, actual fic!

I actually wrote prose fic; it’s not chronologically the first bit in this series and I honestly have no idea how well it stands on its own, but here it is:

Sleeping Arrangements, available over on the AO3.

If you’re terribly confused, the WTFJH tumblr may be enlightening. Or possibly not, but yes.

I WROTE AND POSTED FIC YAY

[wtfjh]

So this just happened.

My sincerest apologies to the random dude that I just French dipped in public and then proceeded to make a comic about.

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a couple people asked for wtfjh...

and I have actually written new words!  i just… am not sure if i can publish the specific new words i have written as they are from the middle of a story i have been working on.

but, um, here, have a snippet from that story that needs no set up context:

Derek wolfed down about half his food almost immediately and then just — stopped. And stared at his food for awhile, instead of eating it, which was sort of terrifying. “Okay, what the hell, spill,” Stiles said.

Derek flinched a little and said, “Chris Argent wants to know if I’m dating you and your boyfriend,” before taking another bite of steak.

Stiles stared at Derek for awhile after he finished choking. “Chris — Chris Argent — wants to know. If we,” he waved a hand vaguely to include said absent boyfriend, “are dating.”

“Yes,” Derek said, almost guiltily. There was no sane explanation Stiles could come up with for why Chris Argent would be interested in Derek’s love life. Or why Derek would feel guilty about it.

“I have no idea where to start with that statement,” Stiles said, after a moment, at a loss. He shoved his plate away; somehow, his appetite was shot. “No, wait, I think I have to start at Chris Argent. Why is Chris Argent asking whether we are dating?”

“The last time I dated, it didn’t go well,” Derek said, staring at the wall to the side of Stiles’ head intently. “It’s professional concern.”

“Out of curiousity, when was that?” Stiles asked because if Derek was talking about Kate… Derek flinched at Stiles’s question, which was fascinating but not particularly enlightening.

“A couple years ago,” Derek said, finally, stabbing at his salad.

Stiles thought that over; odd, then, that he hadn’t heard anything about it. He had rarely made it back to Beacon Hills, but he talked to his Dad all the time and he was still in touch with Scott and Erica. Stiles hadn’t yelled at them for letting anything Derek-related slip since, oh, his second year of undergrad — years and years.

“That — still doesn’t actually explain why Chris Argent thinks we might be dating,” Stiles said, slowly. Chris Argent was not really top of Stiles’s Christmas list, because fuck all hunters ever. Stiles wouldn’t have thought he’d be anywhere on Derek’s either.

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Reblog if you're the weird friend.

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wtfjhverse

so it’s like.  yeah.  visit #4 for derek?  he has been visiting intermittently.  anyway, it’s summer, the plot shenanigans that got derek back in stiles’ life were during the spring semester.

anyway, drew comes in to the bedroom complaining about people being wrong on the internet.  as like, an aside, drew has a degree in either math or physics that he does not use in and of itself because what he actually makes a living at is computer programming; he started volunteering on open source shit (like, LJ or something) when he was 14 or 15 and taught himself to code and eventually ended up legit working in the field.  so, anyway, he telecommutes, for whatever company he’s working for now — one of the advantages to sticking with that field is that he can follow stiles wherever stiles’ career in academia may take.

anyway, he comes in to the bedroom complaining about people being wrong on the internet.  at like 2am.  and stiles is like “did you want me to distract you?” and drew keeps complaining, actually.  so stiles is like “bored.  very bored.  i’m distracting you now,” and there is kissing and hands and THING.  derek WAS asleep, until drew came in, and was just ignoring them and trying to get back to sleep.  but yeah, he complains to his pillow that he is RIGHT HERE when they start making out.   “This is our bed. If you don’t like it,” Stiles says, patiently, “you can leave.”   “We have a couch, I hear,” Drew adds helpfully, slightly muffled as he hasn’t removed his mouth from Stiles’ neck.   “The bed’s more comfortable,” Derek mutters.   and Derek POSSIBLY manages to articulate that it’s weird that they want to do, whatever, with him still in the bed, and.  just.  and they’re like whatever, there’s room.  it’s our bed, we’re gonna use it, you can sleep over there or not, it’s up to you, dude. also probably stiles points out that with the werewolf senses how much difference would it actually make in terms of effective privacy, if derek were out in the living room on the couch?  and if it is making derek; uncomfortable, he should maybe leave.  preferably now, if he’s going to because: hello, kind of busy, and things are going to go from here.

like, Stiles has zero interest in pressuring derek to endure being a voyeuristic participant in sex, he’s really serious about derek leaving.  stiles himself just does not *care* of derek is there because, look, whatever.  it is not really something that bothers him or drew, the bed IS more comfortable, so if derek would rather stay in the bed that’s fine.  but he and drew are going to use their own damn bed however they please and if that *does* make derek uncomfortable, that’s legit: he should get his ass up and leave.

i’m pretty sure derek does get up and leave because he really super has no idea what to do with stiles and drew’s relationship.  it’s even more confusing to him because they seem to be so happy with each other!  how do they need to have other people, if they are so happy with each other?  (derek is.  sort of mired in the monogamous narrative.  it’s not that he won’t ever get better, it’s just that he’s never really examined the narrative closely before and seen all the wholes and problems.)

i have no idea what derek does with himself because as stiles pointed out, werewolf senses.  and it’s 2am.  possibly he goes to the nearest all-night diner or something.

it’s totally not any less awkward when he gets back, though, because the bed smells of stiles and drew and sex.  really fresh sex.

and derek sort of just hides in the living room on the couch until drew ends up wandering out and demanding sleepily that derek come back to bed already so drew can sleep on him.  stiles is like “you really, really don’t have to.  somehow he manages to survive with just his body pillow most nights.”

derek tells them to change the sheets, but he does come back to bed and drew falls asleep on top of him and it’s all incredibly, painfully adorable.

anyway.  it’s ADORABLE.

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wtfjh

fic I wrote for niqaeli in the WTFJH universe (future fic, Stiles went away and went to college and has a boyfriend and is happy and Derek drops by for a visit and is confused). (x-posted to dreamwidth)

Stiles woke up at—he had to look away from the looming Derek to stare blearily at the clock for a minute—seven in the morning. Which was way too early. “Hi?” he said. Maybe he’d found the couch uncomfortable. Or forgotten where the bathroom was. Or maybe, despite all prior evidence, Derek was a morning person. “You need something?”

“The bed smells like more than you,” Derek said unhappily.

“Uh,” Stiles said. It was way too early for this, and what the hell was that even. “Out of curiosity, when you told me I was too young and needed to go experience life, what kind of life experiences did you think I was going to have?”

“I know,” Derek said. He sounded glum, and the weird part was that this was discernable from his normal broodiness. “But. More than just him.”

Read More

[wtfjh]

so this is not a thing i am writing

But I really want a futurefic where

Derek told Stiles that he was too young and that it was a crush and that Stiles should go and grow up and get over it

and Stiles is like “…fine, fuck you,” and DOES.

like, he goes to college and he doesn’t come back and he grows up and he gets over Derek because Derek is, actually, pretty much an asshole.  a kicked puppy but also an asshole.

and Stiles does not go back home at all, he has a LIFE.  it’s a good life!  he’s like a grad student and a TA and he has a stable boyfriend he moved in with and he has friends and he did grow up and move on and what the hell ever; he’s not pining, he’s not fucked up, he’s happy.  and he doesn’t talk to Derek because, you know, sanity: he has it.  he talks to the others as need be?  but not really Derek because, you know, not even being bitter it’s just — Derek said no, Stiles moved the fuck on, that’s what people who are sane DO.

and then, like, supernatural shit happens and he is all FUCK MY LIFE WHAT IS THIS EVEN

and tells the boyfriend what’s going on because by this point Stiles has figured out ignorance is not protective

but also, in the middle of shit, calls Derek and is like “Hi, Derek.  Yeah, can we not do the awkward right now, I’m kind of in the middle of a firefight and do not even have the time.  Do you know how to kill a [whatever], using things that I might conceivably have in my backpack; this is not theoretical, and I would like to NOT DIE RIGHT NOW.”

and Stiles survives and then in the morning his boyfriend hands Stiles his phone and says “Someone named Derek is asking if you’re alive?” and Stiles is like “…seriously?  Fuck.  Yes, hi Derek, I survived thank you for concern let’s not do this again,” and hangs up.

and his boyfriend asks who Derek is because what?

and the answer is “Derek.  Where.  Do I even start with explaining Derek.  Um, okay, well, where I grew up?  Was for years and years pretty much overrun with werewolves?  Derek’s one.  Also, an asshole.  Which is why I haven’t talked to him in years.”

and then like later that day Derek shows up unannounced and Stiles yells and the boyfriend is… a little bewildered.  and kind of concerned that Derek is a stalker.  the boyfriend is not jealous, because he and Stiles are kind of an open relationship anyway, and he really wouldn’t care but Derek.  Derek does not come off as a sane person at all.

so Derek shows up and Stiles is like “JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, I told you I was fine, WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE,” and hits Derek.  and the boyfriend (who probably needs a name except i am NOT WRITING THIS).

and Derek says, “You hung up before I could tell you that the [whatever] can have mental effects,” like whatever it is Stiles was dealing with really WAS seriously dangerous and there were risks of side/after effects.  and Stiles goes, “fuck.  that.  would explain our next door neighbour, actually.”

but overall it is very weird.  and the boyfriend is like.  “So.  You’re a werewolf?  And an asshole, I hear?” at Derek.

and Derek just stares.  “Stiles told you?”

“…um, yes?  Why would he not have?” because, you know, that IS the sane and mature thing to have done considering.  Stiles laid everything out for the boyfriend when the supernatural shenanigans first showed up again and was like “APPARENTLY i am a magnet for this bullshit, so you should probably know all of this and decide if you still want to be involved with me; I will understand if you don’t, just.  Here’s the information to make an informed decision on that,” and the boyfriend is sticking around because he loves Stiles.  and like Stiles isn’t going to argue with him because, HEY THEY ARE BOTH SANE AND MATURE ADULTS, who respect each others’ decisions.

but Derek stares a lot.

and it’s awkward.

at some point the boyfriend just asks straight up, “Were you guys a thing?”

and Stiles says, “NO,” and Derek says “But —” and Stiles cuts him off, “No, no you don’t get to pull that on me, you are the one who shut that down.”

and the boyfriend goes “…so that’s a yes, then.”

and Stiles headdesks.  and the boyfriend is like “You know if you need to work this out or whatever, I’m fine with it,” and Stiles says “No. No, there is nothing to work out.”

and after another half an hour the boyfriend is like “…Okay, no, seriously, if you guys need to fuck this out, I can go over to [whoever]’s place for the night,” and Stiles is like “NO.  YOU ARE NOT LEAVING ME ALONE WITH HIM.”

and the boyfriend is like “…I’m not sure what you think I can do against a werewolf, but I mean, okay?” and Stiles goes, “I’m not worried about him attacking me, I’m worried I will lose my fucking temper and go for the wolfsbane bullets.”

so yeah.  that — happens.  I guess Derek is hanging around for awhile because he wants to make sure Stiles is not under the influence of the [whatever]?

but, so, like.  in the morning.  Derek wanders into Stiles’ bedroom after his boyfriend has gone to work or school or whatever.  and promptly complains that the bed smells of more than just Stiles, and looks tragic.  and Stiles is like “…when you told me I should go off and have life experiences, the fuck kind of life experiences were you EXPECTING me to go have?  No shit my bed smells of more than me.”

and Derek is like >:| and also “It smells of more than just *him*,” and Stiles says “Okay, no, you don’t get to have an opinion on my life choices, you wrote yourself out of having an opinion on my life choices.  [BOYFRIEND] does not judge my life choices, which is why he gets to BE IN MY LIFE.”

which like.  Derek was actually assuming it was his boyfriend cheating?  and was trying to come up with a not horrible way of mentioning it?  he was not expecting it to be Stiles.  and he just looks terribly confused, and Stiles is like “Seriously, I don’t owe you an explanation of my relationship, if you don’t like it you can take your stupid face somewhere else.”

and like the happy ending to this

is not Stiles and Derek rekindling whatever it is they never had

but like

they manage to agree to be friends

who can maybe talk sometimes when it’s not a horrible emergency

but the only reason stiles can manage that much

is the fact that he DID move the fuck on with life?  and grow up, and took the years and time to find space

to be his own person and have relationships and just generally let go of whatever it was he had for Derek

because as much as he was yelling and shit at Derek and being really LOUD in enforcing the boundaries of ‘no, you don’t have a fucking say in this,’ he — well, he was legitimately kind of freaked out.  Derek.  is not the best at respecting boundaries.  and Stiles HAD moved on and Derek HAD written himself out of any place in Stiles’ life where he had any right to be expressing any opinions.

but yeah, stiles has moved on.  and derek maybe hasn’t completely dealt with his shit?  but stiles enforcing his boundaries actually — was good for derek to see?  like.  frankly.  he knows stiles IS happy and functional and so apparently he made the right decision for them both when he shut Stiles down.

so the happy ending is: friends.

and stiles continues to be very happy in his life outside beacon hills that is actually a really good and happy life.

(okay and maybe there is a epilogue where they, from a sound basis of genuine friendship that is not super fucked up all around, maybe have a bit more of a thing.  but that is not the happy ending.  it is the epilogue.  also, stiles continues to be very happy with his boyfriend as his primary relationship.  a lot of people are actually kind of startled that Derek can do the non-monogamous thing?  but he’s actually fine with it because — Stiles is happy.  and he doesn’t have to have everything of Stiles to enjoy the time he has with Stiles — it kind of makes it more of a gift that Stiles spends time with him, really.  because Stiles doesn’t HAVE to.  he just chooses to.  but, yeah, epilogue.)

i want this story so much, but i am not writing it.

you can see how much i am not writing it.

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verstehen1 replied to your post: so this is not a thing i am writing

ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE NOT WRITING THIS? BECAUSE TOGETHER-AND-BOUNDARY-ENFORCING!STILES IS SORT OF A BULLETPROOF KINK OF MINE.

Considering I already have 1500 words of me not writing it, no, I’m not sure I’m…

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WTFJH

So, uh.  What The Fuck Just Happened.  Is a webcomic that Stiles’ boyfriend has been doing since he was in high school?  It’s like seven years old.  It is — basically a chronicle of all the awkward conversations he has ever had that left people going “…what the fuck just happened.”

Well, actually, these days a lot of it is stuff that didn’t happen because one of the things Stiles’ boyfriend eventually mastered was his inside voice.  Partially by dint of putting everything he WOULD have said that would make things bizarre and/or awkward into the comic.

Anyway, yeah.  Awkwardness is basically Stiles’ boyfriend’s superpower.  (At some point I will name the boyfriend, at which point I will have to admit I am writing this, oh my god what.)  He’s pretty good with people!  He just… had to work hard at that.  And he can still stop a conversation cold when he feels like it.  (He mostly uses the power for good!  Sometimes conversations NEED to be stopped cold.)

Anyway Stiles’ Dad is pretty fond of the comic because he can keep tabs on his son — anything serious is likely to show up in the comic?  Also, he is deeply fond of being able to say, completely legitimately, “So. Wanna tell me about what the fuck just happened?”

Anyway.  Like a month or two after everything goes down where Stiles has to contact Derek?  Stiles’ werewolf ex shows up in the comic.  There’s horrible questions about knotting.  Also possibly implications of a threesome.  Because aside from being where Stiles’ boyfriend dumps his brain-mouth filter, it’s also fictionalised in general for hilarity.

Stiles’ Dad calls and is like “STILES.  WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ME ABOUT THIS,” and Stiles is like “…oh, look, it’s for you Derek.  I am not handling this one,” because the comic got prompted by Derek visiting and Derek and the boyfriend interacting and the boyfriend, you know, channelling his superpowers of awkward into the comic rather than at the damaged and kind of dangerous werewolf.

So Derek and Stiles’ Dad have a deeply confused and angry conversation about whether or not Derek has ever slept with Stiles (because, yeah, Stiles had told him that was a thing that had not happened because Derek shut it down, and, what).  At one point Derek is, like, “I don’t — remember your Dad ever swearing this much,” because Stiles’ Dad keeps referencing WTFJH.

Which is how Derek finds out about the comic, and his face is HILARIOUS.  Particularly the knotting comic.  Which is basically Stiles’ boyfriend’s avatar/character asking in detail about knotting, and werewolf-ex!character making Derek’s frowny eyebrow face.  (And actually at some point it comes up that Stiles made  that comic his desktop.  He says it perfectly captures their respective selves.)

But anyway, yeah.  That’s a whole thing.

(As an aside, obviously Stiles’ Dad knows about the non-exclusive nature of his relationship.  Stiles’ Dad doesn’t get it, at all, but he takes the attitude that what consenting adults do is none of his business and that doesn’t change just because one of the adults is his son.  He’d be unhappy if there were lying happening, but as it is, he’s just bewildered and doesn’t want fine details.)

Anyway, so yeah, Derek aside from being deeply suspicious of Stiles’ boyfriend because oh my god so much damage: is also really really confused by how much he likes the boyfriend.  (It’s actually contributing to his general suspicion and unease?  Because oh my god Derek you are a PILE of issues.)  But yeah.  Like, the boyfriend drags him out for breakfast because Stiles is buried in grading and Derek is like “…are you hitting on me,” at point because he really has no idea what the fuck is going on and is very confused by their relationship in general.  And the boyfriend goes “Are you serious, no.  You are like one big pile of damage, and while your abs DO appear to be rock-hard, they don’t outweigh the damage, sorry, no,” and then continues being really sweet and funny.

At some point when Derek is off his deeply suspicious kick he ends up failing his way through a conversation with Stiles where he is talking about Stiles’ boyfriend and what he’s TRYING to say is, your boyfriend is a good person, you make each other happy, I’m glad for you, I’m glad you found someone like that for you, but like I said, he fails his way through it and eventually Stiles is like “…are you…?  Do you want to sleep with him?  Because while that will be deeply fucking weird for me, that’s still between you and him, and you should probably, I don’t know, talk to him.  I mean, whatever, did you want my blessing?  A lot of people do, I have found,” and Derek goes back to being really fucking confused about their relationship.

I also have Stiles and his boyfriend’s relationship history in my head and also am looking at researching colleges to figure out where exactly they variously went to school WHAT IS MY LIFE EVEN.