wrongsuesmith

[wrongsuesmith]

Receipts!

All sent to me. None of these purchases were made by me.

[wrongsuesmith]

I forgot to mention that I also get Facebook messages that are meant for different Sue Smiths. 

I got this one the other day... Um, what? Your foot is burnt to a crisp? It looks like the skin on a pig at a pig roast. Mmmm gimme some bbq sauce and I’ll chomp it right up!

[wrongsuesmith]

Ok, so read the email ^ (this is how Americans pick up women, btw.)

Now picture the kind of guy who you expect to be on a site called LOCAL BOOTY.

Is it this guy? Because this is the picture he sent.

[wrongsuesmith]

A whirlwind of emotions with this one. At first I was like, “What a sweet email.” Then I was like, “What a douche! You should CALL HER.” But I think I’ve decided that alternate Sue Smith is going through something very painful (death in the family) and it’s one of those things where people don’t know how to react. You did the right thing, Keith.

[wrongsuesmith]

Look, I’m not dumb or anything, but I’m always stunned by the stuff I don’t know. Take, for example, Pharmacotherapy. Never heard of it. 

Just googled it and it means “medical treatment by means of drugs.” WHY COULDN’T THEY JUST SAY THAT? 

Anyway, in this alternate reality, Sue Smith is may be a doctor who needs to know if the drugs are working. Maybe she’s been overprescribing and she feels guilty about it and now she wants to read up on how effective medicine actually is. 

Let this be a lesson to all of you: don’t abuse prescription drugs.

[wrongsuesmith]

Ah, another update on Rhett’s teeth. If you’ll recall, Rhett is undergoing a procedure to try and grow some new ones.

idk if your teeth are like your liver and regenerate themselves (doubtful), but what, exactly, is going on in Rhett’s mouth? OMG, what if they used a cadaver jaw and fused it to his regular jaw and are hoping that the two grow together? THAT WOULD BE SO COOL. 

[wrongsuesmith]

Ok, this is clearly spam. But what if it isn’t? What if we take John at his word that he’s a widower with a 9 year-old son, living in Afghanistan? I have some questions.

1. How did John lose his wife? I immediately think that he must have killed her. It’s always the husband.

2. Why didn’t he send a pic? What kind of numbskull solicits a potential spouse without attaching a picture? 

3. Green font, really? This is dumb. The only explanation is that he is old and doesn’t know better, he’s trying to look that way, or he’s subliminally telling the recipient that he wants that green.

4. Is that the kind of English they speak at NATO? His diction is way too formal to have been written by an American citizen.

THEORIES: 

1. This is an Afghan person who lives in the vicinity of the NATO peacekeeping mission.

2. He’s 23.

3. He’s looking for victims. 

[wrongsuesmith]

An alternate Sue Smith is going to Del Mar with her family and she has a lovely friend named Ginny who emails her to tell her to have a fun time. We could all learn a thing or two from Ginny.

[wrongsuesmith]

Spray Tan Time!

I just... Can’t... The design! The sample text unedited! The flip flops! Budget for my funeral. I’m dead.

[wrongsuesmith]

Reference, Please

Here’s my guess: Sue Smith is a madame and Elle is one of her sex workers. Elle is moving to another country so she needs references to get hired by a new madame, so she’s putting herself out there on LinkedIn. That’s how you land a job!

[wrongsuesmith]

What’s up with Lukas?

Here’s what I think: Lukas is a troubled child. He got kicked out of school and his case workers are trying to figure out where he’ll go to next year. But he shouldn’t have been kicked out! The teacher overreacted! Lukas just wanted to take a walk in the woods by himself.

[wrongsuesmith]

Dissed by Diss

Diss is PISSED! The choice to use all caps really takes passive aggressiveness to a whole new level.

[wrongsuesmith]

Texas DMV

A Texas resident with my name is requesting to transfer her car title. I bet it’s because she was an Uber driver for a year and she got sick of driving. It’s so hard to sit down all day! Now she’s just going to give her Prius to her niece and say, “To hell with it!” What a good aunt.

[wrongsuesmith]

Besmirched By Sue Smith

Remember last week’s post that WAS SENT FROM MY EMAIL address? I understand that water is important, toxic, and tragically unclean for no good reason in the year 2017. I get that. But, that subject line is just so off-putting. REPORT IT. This Sue Smith is besmirching our good name.

[wrongsuesmith]

A Teeth Grows In Brooklyn

People are interested in all types of growth: spiritual, emotional, plant. But Rhett? He just wants his teeth to grow back. After getting numerous emails about them, I’ve concluded that he must have lost his teeth in the war. I think it’s nice of Dr. Anderson to try and get them to grow back and I’d like to read his Growth Study. 

[wrongsuesmith]

Fee Fi Fo Fife

Fife Folk Museum Trust <xxx@gmail.com>

Jul 12

to me

Hi all,

Can you please send in your monthly stats.  If these can’t be done by end of today can you possibly do them before end of week.  After today can you please send them to [redacted] where my colleague Jan Hooper will pick them up for me.  These are required for collation by Monday for FCT board meeting.

Many thanks

JaneJarrett

You can tell that Jane’s passive aggressive because she doesn’t use question marks. I’ve always resented people who ask you to do something without a question mark at the end of their sentence. So presumptuous. But then agin, if there’s a question mark, which implies I have a choice in the matter, I’ll go full Bartelby and say “I’d prefer not to.” Wow, I didn’t know I was so angry about punctuation.

[wrongsuesmith]

AirBNB Guest?

This is a confusing little puzzle. Is it an AirBNB host thanking the guest for letting him store luggage in his own house? 

idk but I’m just going to assume that Andrusk is an Easter European refugee who Sue lets live in the shed for free. Sometimes she makes him feel guilty and in those moments, Andrusk must perform sexual favors in order to keep a roof over his head.