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writer--in--theory · 2 months ago

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I'm Over This Roller Coaster

First fic. Beta read by my loves @birdsandbeetlesandmoths and @mobirights so if it sucks, blame them. Heavily based off of Wish You Were Sober - Conan Gray but it's not a songfic.

Word count: 3543

Warnings: Angst-ish, transphobia, drug and alcohol usage. I think that's it

Remus leans his head back against the wall and squeezes his eyes shut, trying to block out the loud noise, suffocating smell of alcohol, and lights of the frat party he’d been dragged to. Lately, Sirius had been doing this a lot; dragging him from party to party like Remus was his own personal chaperone.

It was always a pattern with Sirius. A break would happen, he and Regulus would go home, their parents would be assholes, he’d come back and drink himself near death. Though, Regulus wasn’t much better. The only difference is that his poison of choice is a vape.

“Remusss!” A very drunk Sirius slurred as he stumbled over to his best friend—Well second-best, James still holds first.

Remus was quick to catch his drunken friend as he let out an exasperated sigh. “Sirius, how much did you have to drink?” He asks, eyeing the cup that Sirius was carelessly sloshing around. Remus tried not to be too mad at the bit of liquid that splashed on his new Converse.

“Uhhhh… i d’nno. Lost count,” Sirius mumbles out. Remus does his best to get Sirius back on his own two feet. Eventually, and after quite a bit of struggle, he manages to do so. Once he does, he looks over Sirius’ appearance. There’s a dark spot on his shirt that Remus prays is just alcohol, his belt was loose, and his hair was incredibly disheveled. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that he had just gotten done snogging someone.

As Remus is taking inventory of Sirius, the latter begins to lean forward, close to Remus’ lips, but is quickly stopped.

“Sirius, not this again. Please.” Remus all but begs.

This was also a common occurrence. Sirius would get blackout drunk, then try to make out — if not sleep — with Remus, then profess his undying love for him; not necessarily in that order.

“And put the cup down.” He demands, snatching the red solo cup out of Sirius’ hands mid-sip. Sirius immediately begins pouting and whining like the child he is. Remus could feel his irritation rising at an unusually fast rate, especially for him, and even more so that it was towards Sirius.

Remus grabs Sirius’ hands and leads him through the party until he finds James talking aimlessly to Marlene and Dorcas. “Tag, you’re it” is all he says before shoving Sirius in their direction and walking off. He doesn’t have the energy to push through the crowds and get to the door, so he simply finds the nearest window and climbs down the fire escape.

A small, hopeful part of Remus hoped that Sirius would come running out after him and beg him to stay or even to go with him, but it never happened. Even if Sirius had wanted to, he was far too drunk to even climb out of a window, let alone get down a fire escape.

Even without his friend following him out as hoped, Remus continued into the parking lot. He pulled out the keys that Sirius had handed him after they arrived and unlocked the jet-black Range Rover, climbing into the passenger seat and starting it. James would drive him back, plus Remus didn’t want to risk something happening to Sirius’ car because he left it overnight in front of a frat house.

At least that was what he told himself to excuse basically stealing Sirius’ car.

As Remus drove, his mind drifted to Sirius. No surprise really, Sirius practically lived in his mind. He thought about tonight, about the way Sirius acted, about the cause of it all. Being the oldest heir to a rich family that puts all of their expectations on you, protecting your little brother from their scrutiny while also doing your best to raise him because they can’t be bothered, having to grow up faster than everybody else your age; truly it would drive anyone mad.

Remus didn’t blame Sirius for his drinking, especially since he knew for a fact that those same circumstances might have led him to something much worse than a few beers here and there. Hell, Remus didn’t even blame him for the way he acted while he was drunk, what he did blame him for was the way he fell all over Remus as though he were in love.

He could never flirt with Remus sober.

It was honestly absurd.

Sirius has the confidence you’d expect from any rich white boy. He flirts with anything with a pulse, including his friends, but the second Remus becomes the friend in question he suddenly “doesn’t want to cross any boundaries.” Remus would find it endearing if he believed it, but he didn’t. Not for a second.

Remus’ mind began to drift as he drove home basically on autopilot. He thought about the millions of other parties he’d been dragged to against his will. He thought of all the beers that Sirius would down, one after the other like they were water. He thought of those times when Sirius would seek him out and always find him no matter where he hid in the party or how drunk he was.

Remus thought about those quiet moments when he and Sirius would be alone together in the silence of a mostly abandoned backyard or a locked bedroom. Well—locked before Remus picked it.

But then Remus kept thinking. He never was good at turning his mind off and stopping at the nice memories. He kept going until he got to the less sweet memories. Sirius dancing with, grinding on, and trading drinks—and other things—with random girls he didn’t even know.

He thought of Sirius coming to him after making out with dozens of people. Only then did he give him any attention. And Remus would eat it up every time, acting as though his heart wasn’t slowly breaking as Sirius treated him as nothing more than an afterthought, or worse, a secret to be kept from the world and, in a sense, from Sirius himself.

As Remus pulled up to a red light, he looked over at the passenger seat as another unwanted memory flooded his mind. He thought of what was simultaneously the best and worst night of his life. He remembers it like it was yesterday (it was only a week ago), and it still makes his stomach flip every time it crosses his mind.

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“You didn’t have to punch him!” Remus called desperately to his friend as he did his best to keep up with Sirius’ fast and angry stride.

“That prick was making fun of you being a scholarship kid! I should have beat his ass!” Sirius yelled back in pure rage, fists clenched at his sides and teeth grinding so hard that Remus feared for his dental health.

Sirius got to his car and climbed in, waiting for Remus to get into the passenger side before he started the engine. “Uhm…Sirius? Are you sure you should be driving… like this?” Remus asks nervously.

Sirius’ grip on the wheel was so tight, he was sure to leave a dent in the faux leather, His foot was tensed hard, clearly trying not to slam down on the gas and send them flying through every red light for the next ten miles. Not to mention his near-manic muttering. Remus could only catch bits of it, “...so fuckin’ special…damn rich kid…daddy’s money…beat him up…deserved it…”

Suddenly, Sirius swerved hard enough to send Remus flying into the door, letting out a grunt of pain. When he gained his bearings again, Remus saw that Sirius had pulled them into a parking lot. He didn’t even have time to properly register the situation before Sirius was talking again.

“That jerk thinks you’re not good enough for the school? The school’s not good enough for you! Fuckin’ classist prick…” Sirius continued ranting, with a look in his eye that damn near scared the Welsh out of Remus.

“Sirius…you should calm down. Maybe I should drive instead…”

“You’re right, I should,” Sirius replied, clearly ignoring the second part of what Remus said. Remus didn’t get to comment on it because just seconds later, Sirius leaned over and kissed him.

He kissed him.

The kiss lasted a good thirty seconds before Remus finally came to his senses and pushed Sirius away. “Are you drunk?” It was a stupid question. Of course, he was, but Remus felt the need to ask anyway.

“...Yes.” At least Sirius had the decency to feel ashamed this time.

“Give me your keys, I’m driving.” Remus’ tone left no room for argument. Sirius did as he was told and they switched seats.

The drive back to Sirius’ place was silent, neither of them wanting to breach the topic of what just occurred between them. By the next morning, it was like nothing had. Remus wouldn’t usually be so stuck on it if it weren’t for the fact that Sirius is never that coherent when he’s drunk. However much he drank, it wasn’t enough to make him forget the kiss, but he acted as though he had, and that broke Remus’ heart.

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Remus was shaken out of his memories when a loud car horn blared behind him. He looked up and saw that the light was now green. He did his best to shake off the memory before he continued off down the street and finally made it home.

He walked inside, putting his jacket on the coat hanger before making a beeline to the stairs, seeking the solace of his room. “Hey sweetie, how was the-”

“Not now, mom, please.” Remus felt bad for brushing off his mother so quickly and harshly but he really wasn’t in the mood right now.

He got into his room and closed the door, careful not to slam it, before belly-flopping down on his bed and burying his face in his pillow, desperate to smell anything other than Sirius’ cologne that had unfortunately tainted his clothes.

That night was a restless one for Remus.

——————————————————————————————————

James parked his bright red Ferrari in the driveway of the Black household. Despite his “bad influence” according to Walburga, he was always welcome because he’s an heir and the brothers could “use more of those” as friends. It’s a stupid and definitely classist reason really, but if it means he gets to see his friends, then he’d endure it.

He makes his way up the ridiculously long walkway and to the door, ringing the doorbell which he can hear echoing inside the large house. Only moments later does he hear voices. “No! Kreacher I’ve got it!” “.....” “I understand it’s your job but I’ve got it!”

The door opens seconds later, revealing Regulus on the other side with a wide smile. “James!” He exclaims, pulling James into a hug which he happily returns.

“[REDACTED]! Close the door! You’re either inside or outside!” Walburga yells from further inside the house. Regulus tenses when his mother yells out his deadname and James acts as though he didn’t even hear it. Regulus pulls away from the hug and steps aside to let James in, making sure to slam the door shut as an act of pettiness toward his mother. She wastes no time in yelling at him for “being rude in front of a guest.”

“Let's go to the garden. It’s quieter,” Regulus suggests. James agrees and they make their way through the estate and into the garden. They spend the rest of the day there, hanging out and talking, basking in the warm glow of the sun on their skin and for a while, Regulus forgets about his shitty parents.

As the sun gets closer to kissing the horizon, James begins to take his leave, packing up his things and heading towards the side gate that leads directly from the driveway into the backyard, only to be immediately stopped by Regulus.

“C’mon stay! Pleaseee?” Regulus gives his best puppy dog eyes accompanied by a pout. James crumbled immediately. He sent a quick text to his parents to let them know that he was staying over and then they made their way up to Regulus’ room.

As soon as they get up there, Regulus locks his door and grabs his pen. He throws himself down on his bed and takes a hit. It doesn’t take long for him to get high. James, on the other hand, was sitting on the windowsill, trying his best not to judge, considering his friend’s predicament. Though, internally, he is judging, just a little. Since Regulus was too busy trying to pretend his problems didn’t exist, he busied himself on his phone, playing games like a bored child at a family function.

Unfortunately, like his brother, Regulus had a pattern. His parents purposely deadname and misgender him, he calls James for comfort, he smokes, and he flirts. Unlike Sirius, Regulus wasn’t afraid to flirt with James when he was sober, it just happened less. James did his best to ignore Regulus’ seemingly endless tirade of cheesy pickup lines while Regulus did his best to get at least a smile out of him.

Also unlike his brother with Remus, Regulus has never kissed James.

Then again, there’s a first time for everything.

“Jamie,” Regulus called out to his friend in a sing-songy tone.

“Yes, Reg?” James responded, looking up from his phone to give the boy his full attention. Though there wasn’t much room for clear thought when suddenly Regulus’ lips were on his. Hands grasping at James’ shirt, mostly to keep himself steady.

“Mmph!” James let out a muffled yelp and immediately shoved Regulus off of him. “What the hell?!” He yells out. It’s not necessarily anger, mostly shock. Regulus, of course, can only giggle.

“Wassa matter Jamie? Wasn’t the kiss good?” He asks, seeming to feign offense at the thought that James didn’t enjoy the kiss. James sits there for a moment, fuming. Since when does Regulus kiss him? Since when did Regulus have any genuine interest in him? Does he? What would this lead to? A relationship? No. No, that was too permanent for him…right?

James couldn’t take it. Even when he was high, Regulus’ flirting never went past joking, but this, this was too real. Did Regulus actually like him or was it a mistake? Was this just the effect of drugs? He hoped it was. Not because he didn’t like Regulus, because he did. A lot. Commitment just scared the hell out of him, and he thought that Regulus felt the same.

Also unlike his brother, Regulus remembered everything he said and did while under the influence, so he’d have no way to avoid this, no way to pretend the kiss never happened.

Slowly, James’ anxiety began to rise, and then, in a moment of panic, he ran. He ran out of Regulus’ room, down the hallway, down the stairs even skipping several steps, and out the door. Never once did he look back as he jumped into the car and drove like he was in a Fast and Furious movie.

He kept driving until he pulled into Remus’ driveway. He ran up and frantically knocked on the door. Hope Lupin opened it with a look of concern on her face.

“My god, James, where’s the fire?” The older woman asks, giving James a lopsided smile. It takes James a moment to respond, the panic still pumping adrenaline through his veins.

“Remus…Where’s Remus?” He stumbled over his words but there was still a sense of urgency in them. Hope’s concern grew tenfold at this. She waved James inside and led him to the couch.

“Rest, dear. I’ll go get Remus.” Whether it was the motherly tone or the comfortable and homey feel that the Lupin family house gave off, James could feel some of his panic fading away.

A minute later, James could hear soft footsteps coming down the stairs. He looked up to see Remus’ concerned face. God, he looked like his mother. Remus walked over and took a seat beside him.

“...Hey…” It was awkward and a stupid way to start a conversation when your friend shows up at your door mid-panic attack. Usually, Remus was better at comforting his friends, but the situation felt so bizarre that he didn’t know how to react.

“Reguluskissedme.”

The words were spit out in rapid succession, and it took Remus a few seconds to decipher them, but when he did he let out a heavy sigh. He knew more about this situation than he’d like.

“What is it with those two? I mean honestly, god forbid they actually discuss their feelings instead of just kissing people at random.” Remus gives a bitter chuckle and leans back against the couch. He turns to see James staring at nothing. “Mate?”

“Yeah yeah, I heard you. I just…oh god. I can never speak to him again. Or Sirius, 'cause he’ll kill me for avoiding his brother and-” It wasn’t hard to tell that James was spiraling all over again and Remus was quick to cut him off and try his hand at calming him.

“James! You’re being ridiculous! Just talk to him, it’s really not that hard.”

“Oh yeah? Then talk to Sirius.”

“...”

“Exactly”

For a while they both just sit there in a comfortable silence, both of them considering their horrible situations. Until they both came to the same conclusion. Avoid the Black brothers at all costs.

———————————————————————————————

“—And then I kissed him, Siri!” Regulus cries out in despair as he throws himself face down onto his brothers’ bed. Sirius watches his brother with a mixture of pity, understanding, and amusement.

“Just do what I did with Remus and pretend you don’t remember it.” He replied as though it were simple. Regulus rolls over onto his back and turns his head to look his brother in the eye.

“You’re joking.” Sirius was not, in fact, joking. “Siri, I can't do that! It’s mean! Plus, I’m pretty sure Remus doesn’t buy that ‘I forgot’ bullshit.” Regulus groaned with annoyance as he buried his face in his hands. He was truly fucked and not in a good way.

“Okay, how about this…You talk to James and…and maybe I��ll finally talk to Remus. That way we can comfort each other in the face of rejection.” Sirius gave a small grin, chuckling softly at his little joke.

“Yeah, sure. It’s funny to you. You know Remus likes you, you’re just scared of emotions.”

Sirius rolled his eyes at his brother. “Mate, James likes you so much it’s actually a little sad that you don’t notice it.” This immediately became an argument between the two brothers.

~two week time skip~

Two weeks. It had been two weeks since James and Remus had spoken to either of the Black brothers. Two weeks since those same two swore to come clean about their feelings. Two weeks that the brothers have been agonizing and planning over what to say.

Currently, James and Remus are hiding from the brothers in James’ house. They would have gone to Remus’ place, but they’re running low on food and James eats for ten so they decided that his place was better.

“Jamie! Remus! You’ve got visitors!” Euphemia called from downstairs. Both boys were half asleep and just overall mentally exhausted from classes, so neither of them considered who could be at the door until they came downstairs and saw three somewhat unsettling things.

Sirius and Regulus dressed up Both holding flowers and chocolates Euphemia smiling like crazy

“I’ll leave you four alone.” The words were thrown over her shoulder as she made a quick escape out of the living room and into the kitchen. Still, as James noted, close enough to hear everything.

“Okay, what the hell is going on?” Remus was the first to speak after a minute of everyone standing there like it was an impromptu game of statues.

“We uh…we have some…things to say.” Regulus muttered shyly, shuffling his feet so hard, James worried he might wear a hole through the rug. “We’re sorry for the way we acted and how we treated you…”

“Yeah and if you want nothing to do with us ever again, we wouldn’t blame you-” Sirius was cut off when Regulus elbowed him harshly in the ribs. He coughed and continued, “-But we’d really like you guys to forgive us and maybe even take you out?” Both boys braced themselves, clearly waiting for rejection.

“Will you stop? With the drinking and the smoking, and avoiding your emotions?” Remus knew it was a tall order, and that all of those things would take work. but he at least wanted them to acknowledge what it is that they did wrong.

“Yes, I promise.”

“Me too.”

James and Remus looked at each other, having a silent conversation. Meanwhile, Sirius and Regulus were both shifting from foot to foot nervously. Most of the silence was honestly just to make them sweat.

“...Okay, yeah we’ll go out with you guys.”

Their eyes lit up like kids in a candy store

“Really?!” They squealed in near-perfect unison. Both boys nodded and were immediately pulled into bone-crushing hugs. From the kitchen, they could all hear the quiet squeals of Euphemia who was probably mentally planning their weddings and naming their future kids.

Uh…. idk how to end this so the end ig

#maurauders #muggle au #modern au #remus lupin #sirius black #james potter #regulus black #trans regulus #remus x sirius #james x regulus #wolfstar #jegulus #fluff #angst #angst with a happy ending

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